looking ahead

it's almost may and i can't stop thinking about the midwest. i'm planning on spending the month of june out there. visiting my friends in madison before heading up to sexy spring and then back through on the way towards the allied media conference. it's going to be a very exciting adventure. i just need to figure out how i'm getting out there and everything.

still waiting to hear back from the new standard. this could be a really amazing job if i get it. i'm a little nervous that it actually will work out. we'll see what happens...

what these cryptic symbols mean

when the seasons change it's really important to have a new soundtrack to accompany the transformation. lately, i can't stop listening to the mountain goats' album we shall all be healed. it's the perfect music right now--in this particular moment in my life. and i know that when i listen to it again next winter i will taste springtime. i will return to this beautiful day, riding my bike through the woods with the sun warm on my skin. and i'll think of the people in my life right now. the ones that are keeping me inspired and alive. i love you all.

when the last days come
we shall see visions
more vivid than sunsets
brighter than stars

25 years

so much happening. i turned 25 years old this past friday. yes, the golden birthday...a quarter-century of living. crazy, huh? i'm feeling pretty good about it, like being comfortable with the skin i've grown into. i had a nice birthday here with friends. free ice cream sundaes and book readings and a bowling party, karaoke and birthday cake in the wee hours. and receiving sweet birthday messages from people that mean a lot to me was so special. from san francisco to argentina, new york, boston and vermont...i realized that i have a lot of good friend out there and it made me feel good.

the days are longer and we have begun to explore, to relcaim public space and push the limits. the roof of the parking garage was just a beginning. we are emerging from the frozen woodwork and are getting ready for revolution spring. be on your toes. it's happening...

our paths cross again

did i mention that it's officially spring? there's a buzz in the air.

best surprise ever: liz arrived last night unexpectedly from new orleans. so amazing. she's the best. now we just have to convince her to stay here. frrrriends.

now i can put siamese dream back in the cd case and enjoy the spring air.

i can hear it breathing

sometimes i like to look around and try to be conscious of how i got to this particular moment in my life. all of the decisions and variables that led to the present situation--once again with the choose your own adventure analogy. but what's the point of this exercise?, she asks me. it doesn't ever seem to go anywhere. until last night i wouldn't have had an answer, but we had just learned from the wisdom of the zapatistas: as we walk this path we need to maintain an awareness of where we've been, where we are, and where we are going.

where are we going, anyway?

things have been pretty good lately. i've discovered that after enduring and surviving the worst situations i can truly appreciate the smallest things that a lot of people take for granted. my new apartment is still like a palace to me and i feel so grateful to be sharing it with two of the best people i know. likewise, my new job isn't perfect but after doomstar cafe it seems like the best occupation in town. when we adapt to unhealthy conditions the slightest improvements have the potential to transform our lives.

despite the sub-freezing temperatures the days are getting longer and i can begin to hear spring breathing in the distance. it will be nice to soon enjoy the bikeride to the radio station on monday mornings. right now i have to blow on my fingers to prevent them from falling off onto the bike trail. ughhhh...but it will get better soon.

change is afoot. get ready.

we'll set our watches forward like we're just arriving here

so...in the past couple weeks i got a new job, saw some of the best people i know at ncor in dc, had really fun house-warming/dessert party in my fabulous new apartment, started doing a weekly radio show on valley free radio, made some new friends, and a lot more.

is february really almost half way done?

hearts to everyone i miss so dearly. you are all in my dreams...

a new beginning (part III)

it's amazing how drastically one's life can improve in a single week. i'm still unemployed but it's more of a joyous job-free existence. i am now sharing a beautiful new apartment with two of my best friends. i'm so grateful of all of this.

as sailor and i were finishing up filling the u-haul on saturday the mail was delivered to our old house. amongst junk mail and bills was my check from toward freedom for the interview and article i wrote for them! everything has come together smoothly. it really couldn't be any better.

i do miss liz though. i'm glad that she went to new orleans because it's going to be a really great experience for her but it's just weird not having her around. i'm glad that she's been able to call me from down there to let me know what's happening. it sounds so messed up. but her friend leigh is there with her and they're sharing a bunk bed!

i'm looking forward to going down to dc this weekend for ncor. it will be great to see old friends and be back in that vibrant, radical environment again. things are good.

embracing change

i spent last week avoiding reality. then i woke up sunday morning and it all hit me, both physically and emotionally. there is just so much happening right now. jo and liz leaving town indefinitely, searching for a new job, and now moving back to south street. it's all very intense but i am embracing change. it forces me to be more conscious of everything. i'm also finishing up an article for toward freedom that i will be using for my first passions and survival radio show next week. i'm going to finally do it. everything will be fine. i just need to get my shit together and stay motivated...

take this job and shove it

i got fired today.

it's fine though. leaving the cafe, there was this feeling of liberation not sadness. a new beginning not a tragic loss. it sucks that i have to start looking for a new job again and play all those charades but i this is definitely a positive development. i want to keep supporting all my coworkers in their struggle to follow their passions in this brief stepping stone to bigger things. there is something more at our finger tips and we will not be held back...

onward!

feeling better, finally

i'm feeling better and it's nice outside. it almost feels like spring again with the sun out and temps in the 50's. crazy. i'm not as jealous of my friends who are in san francisco this week.

shit is going down at the woodstar. we're getting together tonight to try to change things. i wouldn't call it mutiny but it's exciting that we're starting to organize.

i'm currently day-dreaming about diy summer adventures...

money sickness

i've been sick all year so far. it hit me on new year's day and i haven't been able to shake it off yet. i had to work last night and spent most of the shift blowing my nose and coughing. but i have to work because i have also spent the beginning of 2006 completely broke. the bank reopened january 3rd. that day i cashed my paycheck and after giving my roommates rent money i had a whopping $1 surplus. yes, one dollar.

one.

cough, sneeze. happy new year.

but this is just a bump in the road. i will be getting paid soon for my articles for toward freedom and after a day of rest i should be feeling better tomorrow.

i talked to richard and kate last night. they're trying to get a ride out from milwaukee to go to ncor in february. i can't wait to see those kids again.

this time, this year (part II)

is bigger than us,
and goes on long after we're gone.

another year. looking over a journal entry from new year's day last year i begin to put things into perspective and realize that my optimism and hope in those words didn't exactly pan out. not so say it was a bad year. it's more complex than that. it was just challenging. after an incredible winter adventure of falling in love and throwing myself into the world i returned to madison in february. my stubborn refusal to return to the wage market got me in a lot of financial trouble of which i am still feeling the effects. but half way through the year i moved back to the east coast to begin anew.

northampton has been pretty good to me. i've met some amazing people here and it's been really nice being so close to cape cod, boston, bard, nyc and other northeastern points of interest. i'm starting to feel centered here as i prepare to move back to south street february 1st. this will be good. so like last year, i am beginning 2006 with optimism and hope, but (hopefully) with more wisdom from the mistakes i've made and more potential for greatness...

*still forging ahead with the passions and survival project with articles and interviews in toward freedom and other publications along with an hour long radio show on valley free radio!

*just appointed the coordinator of the 2006 clamor music festival: dozens of benefit shows will take place all over the country sometime this fall and i'm in charge of putting it together!

*diy tour this summer, playing my acoustic punk songs and networking with rad people and making new friends!

*maybe grad school at umass, amherst in the fall to get a masters in labor studies. i could use their resources to write a book on passions and survival!

so yeah, there's a lot of stuff going on. this could be a really amazing year. i wish you all the same...

just like a dream

so much has happened. i can't even comprehend it. but in a good way, like i know i am in the middle of something special and when i look back on this it will be an important chapter of my life.

went back to cape cod for a few days to celebrate x-mas with the fam. it felt like fucking florida the whole time i was there. it was such a relief to have a break from the sub-freezing snow bank of the past month. and i slept a lot.

it's nice to be back here though. all the anticipation and excitement of meeting a new person and getting to know them. all day adventure yesterday and i found myself in places that i never thought i would ever see.

i woke early again today, eager to live. there's no time to waste anymore.

phone calls that remind you that you're alive

just talked to amanda m. on the phone and i everywhere i look i see madison. slowly putting the pieces together of that experience. trying to make sense of it all. those songs that defined a year, buzzing through my head. i miss places and people and smells. i want to visit the isthmus soon.

but it's another winter and i'm here. i feel more centered in the northeast. i want to travel this summer though and play music everywhere and see old friends and make new ones. i've been thinking about going to umass for grad school in the fall, but i'm not sure what function that would play. i don't want to do anything just for the sake of security. i just want to really go for it. as the newest fortune cookie message reads: "don't pursue happiness...create it."

word.

winter arrives forever

things are looking up a bit. i have another interview with clamor this weekend about joining their publishing collective. also, i've been getting involved more with valley free radio--a new community radio station here. i have joined the station's labor collective and have spent the past couple fridays sitting on their "bread and roses" show. soon i will begin producing my own show on passions and survival. i'm pscyhed.

mailed out a couple mixed tapes today too. one to the bitch magazine headquarters and the other to a house in richmond, virginia. "no delivery confirmation necessary," i explained to the postal worker. it was strange mailing non-holiday related things amidst the chaos and insanity of this time of year. but i feel a nice sense of accomplishment and pleasure knowing that next week two of my friends will have good days because of me. the soundtrack to their winter.

"if you want it...take it."

it's been a rough week (or two). every aspect of my life, from work to love to my house, has been challenging. but i'm not ready to give up now. i feel more determined than ever to create change. sometimes it's hard to be inspired when everything's just fine. we take shit for granted and we become bored and unhappy. my life seems to be crashing down on top of me but i am going to stand up and do something about it. here's a list in the spirit of this brilliant message (see title) from the fortune cookie at lunch today:

*write, write, write!
*create music
*self-educate (with others)
*read, read, read!
*appreciate the important people in my life
*dance!
*build new connections
*find empowering paid work
*sell shit
*cook food
*mix-tapes!
*try new things
*travel
*be assertive
*sleep well
*stay active
*be outspoken
*listen to others
*write letters
*bake goodies
*support friends
*push the limits

if you want it...

when i got out of work last night i told liz what happened with my boss. "sometimes i think about coming to visit you there," she told me. "but i don't want to see you like that. i want to see you dancing."

thanks for saving my life...again.

ambition (part IV) and communication

i was just laying around feeling like i had no direction in my life. freaking out.

then jen angel called.

they are looking for another person to join the clamor magazine management collective. i had expressed interest so this was an interview of sorts. it would be a pretty awesome experience. they are speaking with 10 other people so we'll see what happens...
*
i use this space to (ocassionally) express (some) things that are on my mind. i make a point to not provide too much information out of fear that it will replace mutual communication with people in my life that i care about. so, if you're reading this and we haven't met for lunch in a while or if i haven't seen you in a few months or we should probably talk on the phone then it would make me happy if we could do those things together. i probably miss you.

i'm just going to leave

there's too much to say. back at bard college for hannah's senior photography show. such an intense experience, as it always is returning to this place. there are still so many familiar faces; some that make me smile and others that make me want to look away. there's just so much history and social anxiety. but it was great to be back too. to see hannah (and her amazing photos) before she leaves this continent for good. to see the backdrop of the catskill mountains against the hudson river valley. those fucking mountains have so much meaning for me. i realized this today. seeing their beauty before the sun set and then again in a couple of hannah's photos. this is my personal psychogeography. this ridge etched into my consciousness like a dream from another world. or like the back of my left hand.

there's more to say. about my incredible adventure in new york city with liz. about vegetarian restaurants and subway lines and coffee. about diy music and seeing good friends and starting over. about sleeping on floors and busrides and cooking food. and how tragic love is when nothing seems to work out right.

sorry but i can't call you before i leave in the morning.
i just can't do this anymore.

one year later

another thanksgiving has come and gone. it was the first time in three years that i've been in the northeast. i was able to return to the national day of mourning in plymouth. it was really powerful going there with sailor this time since she grew up on the west coast. it gave me a fresh perspective on the whole thing especially after cruising by plimouth plantation and all the rich white people spending their holiday there trying to maintain the mythology.

sometime, as amanda lewis once pointed out, it helps to consult the archives...

here's to another year.

happy motherf-ing birthday, and don't forget i love you.

another bus journey back to cape cod. this time to celebrate both my sister's and mother's birthdays. yes, both scorpios. friday morning we met sarah at the court house in hyannis we she pleaded not guilty to a speeding ticket from the national seashore in april. she still had to pay $100 buy they dropped the fines for not showing up to court after the notice was mailed to her old address. happy birthday, indeed. then we went out for breakfast just before the hearth n' kettle began serving lunch. she listened to the mixtape i made her on the way up to boston that night.

that night jared and i saw the new film about johnny cash, "i walk the line." i enjoyed it. he was expecting the man in black to be a little more wild and crazy and not just the standard drug-addicted rockstar that it portrayed. it was definitely well done. later on we ended up at the sea dog for kareoke night with a few other friends. so fucking weird. after a dozen oldies tunes sung by local oldies i got up there and rocked the house with "99 luftballoons." hell yeah. we moved on to rick's afterward where various nauset high school grads were wasting away. probably spent about a hundred seconds in there. so uncomfortable. i couldn't deal with being there all the time, navigating the cultural emptiness of the cod.

i spent saturday with my mom which was nice. made gramps' special pancakes for breakfast, went to the beach with the dog, made some amazing vegetarian lasagne, and watch part II of "no direction home" the new bob dylan documentary. i felt bad for leaving the morning of her birthday but i had to work at my shitty job. so yeah, i still felt bad but it was really good to spend time with her and i think she was just psyched to have me home.

now i'm back in northampton for a few days then i'll be going to the national day of mourning ceremonies in playmouth thursday before returning to the cape again.

and my friend who was going out to the midwest this week is going in january instead so i'll be able to go see all my madison people then! get ready...