in the past week...

*i hung out with dave meek after his adventure in grenada.

*saw al burian and jessica hopper read at flywheel.

*realized that i sweep/mop floors left-handed.

*learned that i enjoy pulling weeds and watering plants.

*returned to the welfleet beachcomber to see east coast tremors.

*listened non-stop to old built to spill and pinhead gunpowder.

*took a 5 hour bus ride and then worked a 7 hour shift.

*was asked, "is this job working out for you?"

*danced my ass off to '90s music at the elevens.

*still haven't figured out where i'm living in the fall.

*...or next week.

show & movie

it was another day in which i woke up uncertain of what would happen--whether or not i would be able to do what i wanted to do. such is the life of a person without a phone or mode of transportation.

a monday show at flywheel that could've packed a huge hall in any large city: lightning bolt along with local legend thurston moore and his new side project the heavy creeps. a must-see show, indeed. it was scheduled for 8:00 pm and they meant it. by the time emily and i showed up it had been "sold out for a while." damn.

there were so many kids there and i realized how much i've missed all of that. everyone was all sweaty and gross because of the ridiculous humidity and heat. oh, and there's no air conditioning in the performace space. we did get to hang out in the air conditioned zine library room though while thurston's band played and everyone who got there on time suffered from the harsh conditions. i read an old copy of maximum rock n' roll from '92. the survey question of the month was: "would you fuck a punk over 30?" weird how the 17 year olds who were surveyed are the 30 year olds now. and how that will be me in 6 years. funny shit. there was also an ad for a "riot grrrl convention" in dc and i felt like i was flipping through a history book.

so...we left after all the sweat poured out of the room. instead of sticking around to partially experience lightning bolt's set we skipped out and drove to hadley to see the new charlie and the chocolate factory movie. i really enjoyed the book and original movie when i was younger so i was curious to check it out. it was fun but i did have a lot of issues with it. not just because johnny depp's willy wonka reminded us of michael jackson frollicking with the children through neverland. the whole oompa loompa subplot was pretty disturbing to me. i'm sorry but no silly song-and-dance number can make racist cultural imperialism cute. although i do appreciate the critique of greed and excess manifested in all the other spolied children.

i had a good night despite missing lightning bolt and everything.

search for meaning

it seems like it all comes down to having some sort of meaning in one's life: a direction, a sense of purpose. looking back, it's so obvious that the happiest periods in my life consisted of this urgency of meaning. from big things like protesting an ensuing war to little things like having an old friend visit for a weekend; this is what keeps me going. the challenge is to create that meaning in every word spoken, every breath inhaled.

labor puberty

i think i've figured out why i hate working so much. (besides the fundamentally warped logic of the capitalist wage economy) the underlying issue for me is manifested in the process of beginning a new job, getting trained. i feel scared, stupid, nervous and vulnerable. it brings me back to an earlier period in my life when i often felt insecure and socially inept. it's like puberty all over again.

i think a lot of people go through this when they start a new job but my problem is that sometimes that feeling doesn't ever completely go away. i continue to feel alienated from my work and these insecurities and fears linger. there's something dehumanizing about being trained in the most rote, menial tasks when i know that i could being doing something more intellectualy challenging that i would acutally enjoy.

but i get through the day knowing that this is a temporary situation. that something better awaits my near-future. as the operation ivy song continues:

...but i'll get out. i'll get out of here!

now i'm working just like everyone else

back in northampton after a wondeful vacation in maine.

started the internship at class action today.

tomorrow, i begin working at woodstar cafe.

now i just need to figure out what i'm doing this fall...