Saturday, August 20, 2005

wake up call

after a blissful friday night i was briefly awoken this morning by the faint sound of my phone ringing. but it was waaaay too early to (physically) answer it. who the fuck is calling me anyway? back to 9:30 am i wake up again, eyes open this time. but now i have the frightening realization that perhaps i was not scheduled to work at 3:00 pm today, but rather the opening 7:30 am shift! that's probably why my phone rang so damn early. i slowly grab my planner, open up to this week and stare at my ultimate (work-related) fear coming true: 7:30-2 in my signature hand writing.


this is not a good way to begin a summer day. i listen to the multiple messages left by co-workers and bosses. i call the cafe to sheepishly apologize and tell them that i'm on my way. "see you soon," my boss replies. when i arrive enter through the back door. my boss requests that i speak with her outside. shit, is this really my life right now? "what happened?........"well, i let everybody screw up once." once. my expendability is layed out and reinforced in those words. i put on my apron and begin washing dishes. standing over the sink i think back to the first dishwashing job i had...10 YEARS AGO.


i want more.

Monday, August 15, 2005

constellatory adventures

everywhere i go there is a coincidence waiting to greet me. life as constellation. everything thing revolves around the place where you began. everyone is related on some level.

in the next couple weeks i will figure out what i am doing. stay in northampton and work at the free press? go back to cape cod and figure shit out? stay here and figure shit out? go on a free cross country trip that a friend of a friend forwarded about widely? move anywhere? life as choose your own adventure book.

the thunderstorm and rain last night has changed everything. i can feel it in my bones. humid brutality has been washed away. we breathe again. tonight i will rock...

Thursday, August 11, 2005

room, bike, phone

i have a room now and a bike and a phone. the luxuries of 21st century life in america. i might stay in northampton if i can get a job at free press.

the summer has just begun. there seems to be more potential now. is it just the ability to cross rivers and call friends to ask about song titles? mobility. communication.

but september is creeping up...i need to quit the cafe soon. everyday i work seems like my first fucking day on the job. "good luck with everything," she condescends as the buttons on the cash register beep uncontrollably. fuck you. this is not what i am living for right now. i'm just here for the wage, tips and the occasional free food. my life aspirations are bigger than the little world you've created for yourself in your head where your lesiure depends on my exploitation. this is not what i am living for. good luck to YOU.

i have keys to the office and the night owls in the park across the street watch me type this. it's still summer. it's still summer. go swimming. make some stencils. stay up all night. drink cold water. live...

Saturday, August 06, 2005

early august medley

1.) homeless part II

walking down the street a man yelled out to me: "hey! dude with the dark sunglasses." he asked if i would be willing to donate a dollar to a charity for homeless people in the area. i hesitated, but then realized the weight of this request. i offered a dollar that i had received from tips at woodstar the night before. i told him that i didn't have a place to stay right now either and that i was sort of couchsurfing. he told me about how the church across the street has a place for folks to stay. i thanked him and told him that i have friends that will help me out and a potential home soon. "alright, i'll send a blessing up for you." i thanked him again and walked away as he discovered another guy with "dark sunglasses" who, from the hideous look on his face, did not appreciate having that pointed out to him. i walked thinking about everything, again confronted by my social privileges. most people who are truly homeless don't have the same options or resources as me. this is a situation of my own making that in actuality is just a nuisance, not an oppressive condition that i have to deal with for the rest of my life.

in fact, it will be over by the time that you even read this. i have been offered a room in a collective house in hadley and i am moving in tomorrow! the room is pink. the house is disbanding after the end of the month so it's temporary but it's cheap and amazing. so like i said before, i will be fine.

2.) no. i don't want to see you while you are in town this weekend.

i walk in defiance, trying not to make eye contact with cars as i walk around town. i look straight ahead or towards the tree tops so as not to seem defeated or as if i'm hiding from something. every fucking car that passes by is like a surviellance camera. i try to ignore it but it makes me even more of conscious of the possibility that i will be seen. this is bullshit. i slip up and look straight at the recently parked car. panic. my heart races and i begin walking faster. is my nightmare coming true? i walk around the corner without looking back...well, just once. i cross the street and i am free, for now. please leave...

3.) sleep-overs for survival.

thank you for letting me sleep in your bed. i feel like we've been friends all summer but i didn't even know your name when i got to your apartment thursday night. bodies traced on the porch with chalk like it's a crime scene as glass spins until the sun rises. this moment is rated PG-13 despite the suggestions, despite everything. i have to leave work early. a nap in the smith college campus center, newspaper at my side so it looks like i was just reading. i have keys to the office but the couches are too small. i have to wake up at 7:00 am so i return to your apartment before you leave for kareoke. thanks again for letting me sleep in your bed. you saved my life.

4.) i have a phone now.

please call me.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

homeless in northampton

when you sleep
no one is homeless
when you sleep
you can't feel the hunger

-against me!

i left town monday night to escape the situation that i have created for myself. i had been planning on going to the mischief brew show in boston that night but my ride fell through. instead i found myself at my grandmother's house three towns away.

waiting for her to pick me up i decided that i would take a bus to new york city the next day. and i did. met up with jon and got to visit peter hart at fairness and accuaracy in reporting (fair) where i used to intern. i wanted to see griffin too but when i called her from the payphone at union square she answered...from albany. we missed each other by one day. after i hung the phone up the guy waiting to use it called me a "faggot." ah, new york. one day of summer filth baking in the sun was enough for me. i'm not sure if i really want to live there. of course if i found a rad job i would go for it, but we'll see...

took the fung wah bus to boston wednesday morning at 8am. arrived in boston to meet up with my mom for lunch. she's worried about me. my grandmother told her that i need new clothes. she thought i looked ill, like i lost weight in the past two weeks since she last saw me. i'm doing fine, i reassure her. met up with tyler at boston common and shot the shit amongst dogs the size of sport utilitiy vehicles. suv dogs for a supersized urban culture. boston is much cleaner than new york though and there's more trees. nick met us too and we walked and walked and walked looking for food. it was so great to hang out with those guys again.

i wish i could've stuck around longer. but of course i had to take another bus this morning back to northamtpon to work at woodstar cafe. the closing shift. so here i am, out of work. it's 80's night at diva's and i think i'm going... i'm just not sure where i'm sleeping tonight. but i'll figure out.

don't worry about me.