turn around

it's all downhill from here
-the evens

it's amazing how quickly things can turn around sometimes. in the past 24 hours:

*i finally started a webpage for my passions and survival project!
*figured out that i will be able to stay in ocean park all of next week with family because:
*class action postponed my intern orientation until the following monday!
*i got a fucking job at woodstar cafe and it won't start until the day after that!
*i will get to visit kelderberry while i'm in maine!
*twenty dollars magically appeared in the mail this morning!

can it get any better? my grandmother is picking me up tomorrow afternoon and i'm so excited to see my aunts and uncles and my mom and my sister too. i'm almost done reading a language older than words and am looking forward to diving into my beach book that sarah gave me for my birthday.

okay, moment of excitement over...now.

job interviews and laundry

it's all about lying on job applications. i am soooooo experienced at everything. will you be my fake reference? what else can you do when a bachelor's degree can't you get you a job at a fucking ice cream shop? and we just repeat over and over again in our heads: "i am over-qualified. i am..."

haven't done laundry in a while so i'm down to my most offensive t-shirts. the ones that jon pawned off on me when we were roomates because he couldn't be seen in public wearing them: the brother inferior shirt with the man hanging from a noose against the backdrop of the american flag and on the back reads: And With The Guts Of The Last Priest Let Us Strangle The Last King So We Can Finally be The Land, or the atom and his package "go metric" shirt: Stick Your Foot up your Fucking Ass

oh yeah. but what do i do when she says my job interview is in one hour? i just grabbed the button-down short sleeve job that i sported at the party in florence friday night. and i shaved. ah, the adventures of employment...

responsibilty not adventure

wake up it's time to get out of bed
you've been sleeping for a year
let's go to the post office
the weather's nice
we'll ride our bikes
-ghost mice

i woke up this morning not knowing where i would be tonight. i went down to raven used bookstore with three hard cover books to sell them. but $10 couldn't get me a bus ticket to brattleboro. as i write this there are dozens of people dancing their hearts out in that unitarian church. it looks like i'm not going to experience any of the plan it x fest shows this summer. and i can't accurately explain how devastated i am about this. but i'll get over it. i have seen defiance, ohio play 3 time already. if you do live in a city where the tour is passing through, please go and tell me how it is.

in a sense, it was really good that i didn't go to brattleboro. not just because i'm broke and didn't have a ride back or know the town at all, but because of something that occured an hour after the bus would have left...i got the internship at class action! woo hoo! so it wasn't a bad day after all.

somewhere else

here i am again, desperately wishing i am somewhere that i am not. i decided to be responsible and not go to the allied media conference in bowling green, ohio but that's where my heart is right now. instead i'm just here, isolated, not spending money but not doing anything useful either. last night was the beginning of the plan-it-x fest at the amc. i just tried not to think about it too much.

i have a feeling that things will start to get better soon. i just need to take control of my life again.

running downhill

the summer is on hold as i float, just waiting to hear back about jobs. ah, the powerlessness of selling one's labor. i wonder what it would be like to live in a society that is free of such worries. where everyone could freely cultivate and pursue their passions without worrying about the present cultural expectations or the economics of survival. how do we get there? reading derrick jensen's a language older than words, i came across a passage that deeply resonated with this dilemma:

"for nearly as long as i can remember, i've had the habit of asking people if they like their jobs. over the years, about 90 percent...have said no. as i sat bored those days at my computer, i began to wonder what the percentage means, both socially and personally. i wonder what it does to each of us to spend the majority of our waking hours doing things we'd rather not do, wishing we were outside or simply elsewhere, wishing we were reading, thinking, making love, sleeping, or simply having time to figure out who the hell we are and what the hell we're doing. we never have enough time to catch up--i never knew what that meant, but it always felt as though i were running downhill, my body falling faster than my legs could carry me--enough time to try to understand what we want to do with the so very few hours each of us are given."

yes. this is the struggle we are faced with: to figure out what we want to do and then try as hard as we possibly can to do it and make the most out of our lives. recently, i have spent some of the hours i have been given watching numerous episodes of the showtime series "the l word," and fucking around on the internet. i need to rediscover my inspiration and become more conscious of these limited hours, the precious time that i have to live the only life i have.

i am going to stop writing this and get to that...

good and bad on the east coast

i'm back on the east coast and there's too much to say about the past week. way too much. i have learned a lot about myself and mistakes that i've made, personally and economically. the year is almost half over and it is time for a change. everything seems out of control right now and seemingly hopeless, but these are just obstacles that i can break through.

good things and bad things dueling...

bad:
1.) leaving all my favorites in madison. i miss you already...
2.) last minute packing and two hours of sleep before hitting the road.
3.) still owing money to my co-op house.
4.) arriving in cleveland and realizing that i left my bike in madison!
5.) did i mention that i'm completely broke?
6.) not being able to go to the allied media conference (see number 5).

good:
1.) dessert potluck and outdoor seating at genna's when i should've been packing.
2.) seeing jo again after her 9 months in india!
3.) boca burgers at denny's (with hickory smoked sauce and onion rings).
4.) anne's mixtape about travelling, places, roads, leaving, etc.
5.) summer.
6.) publishing passion/survival interviews in future issues of toward freedom and clamor.

i'm on cape cod for the weekend to see my family. jared's surf guitar band, east coast tremors, is playing a show at "the beach break" saturday night and i'm gonna open for them and get payed a little bit! and maybe sell some copies of my new cd that david recorded. it will be good to see jared and everyone and tyler will be here for the weekend too. i'm psyched. i want to sell my ted williams bat too. can you smell the desperation?

i applied for a million jobs in northampton, but the only one i care about is a part time research internship at class action. hopefully something will work out.

i miss everyone. i don't have a phone anymore so send me an e-mail: mattdineen@riseup.net

no goodbyes. only see you laters...