closure/possibilties

sometimes closure can serve as a catalyst. in these often painful moments when reality is turned on its head, we have no other choice but to accept, to move on--and from there, the possibilities are limitless. and this is where i have been standing for the past month. (well, more like dancing and exploring than a state of immobility). in the space of clarity and revelation i have an opportunity to discover who i am and what i truly want out of my life. and it's not an easy process, but it feels good.

last day of summer, or the return of may 2005

as far as the calendar is concerned, today is the last day of summer--the autumnal equinox lurking just beyond sunset. but come september we are generally ready for a new era, for new beginnings. even if it is still 80 degrees and sunny.

even on the best days in september/it's hard to find my peace of mind

on the last day of august, it hit me that many of my aspects of my current life in philly eerily mirror my reality in madison over 6 years ago. i wrote down a list of things that are identical to my final month in the midwest, in the spring of 2005:

-fucking broke/in debt/un(der)-employed
-registered with a temp agency with unfortunate, demoralizing results
-heartache across distance/attempting to salvage a seemingly impossible long-distance relationship
-making plans to move to western massachusetts to live with a close, platonic female friend
-drinking heavily after a long period of sobriety
-involvement in local bookstore collective my primary commitment

crazy, huh? it's so interesting to discover the weird ways our histories repeat themselves. hopefully by reflecting on where i was at back then and the subsequent years that followed i can move in new directions. i want to go beyond the familiar and start a new. unlike 2005, i am committed to returning to school and am currently applying to goddard college's master in individualized studies program. trying to focus on that now, despite the weight of these other challenges. i am ready for the fall. 

impatiently patient

sitting in the waiting room lately. it's that gnawing mental state of disconnection from the present, from my immediate surroundings. something bigger and better does lie ahead, down the road, but reaching that point feels improbable, almost unattainable--as if this current moment will never end.

but there are glimpses of better things to come on the horizon. soon i will be sitting on the beach, back in the land where i grew up. very soon, actually. it's funny how time works though. we're so impatient and then the things we are desperately waiting for often arrive before we're even prepared for them.

i want to be more engaged in the world. i want to have more going on and begin to challenge myself again, to do new things and put myself out there. time to leave the waiting room and start pushing the boundaries.

moments of transition

this year is half over. after a challenging winter of both upheaval and stagnancy, the spring was a transitional moment, offering me an opportunity to begin the process of starting things over. after couch-surfing off and on for a month or so, i said goodbye to the apartment i had shared with lv in west philly. on march 17th--an unusually warm st. patrick's day--james helped me move all of my belongings into traci's car and then into my temporary, transitional residency in south philly. for the next 2 months i lived with traci's boss from a certain progressive lawyers' organization. he was moving out of the 3 bedroom row home he had rented for the past 3 years on june 1st and welcomed the company and donations (in the form of "rent") to said organization. the whole situation worked out really well for both of us.

moments of transition are important. they help us put things into perspective and prepare for the next era of our lives. that's where i'm at now. just as spring ended (commencing the second half of the year) and the tempatures climbed back into the 90's again, i moved just down the street, staying in south philly. i now live in a beautiful house with 4 other humans and 5 cats. this is where i want to be right now and it makes a lot of sense as i work towards going back to school. in navigating the bureaucracies of student loan debt and collections, i have come to terms with the reality that i must wait until next spring to start school. this will give me a little extra time to get ready on various levels, so it's probably a good thing. i'm applying to both temple university (master of liberal arts) and goddard college (master of individualized studies) and i think either way i will be happy. now that i have entered my 30's i'm just ready for the next level, the next epoch. the next challenge. i'm psyched.

(a line from that one song about living for the moment)

forget about doom and gloom. i don't want to be paralyzed by fear of the world outside of our safety bubbles, or the reckless fear of that world coming to an end. but i can't deny that things are getting scary here in the early 21st century--with tornadoes in places that have never seen tornadoes before, never-ending oilspill monstrosities, heatwaves that kill the human spirit, and air conditioners that kill the planetary immune system.

instead of hiding in fear, these things inspire me to work towards being as present as possible. i don't want to invest everything in an uncertain future. i want to actualize my dreams as soon as i can. i don't want to put them on lay-away. i want to live for today and tomorrow (and perhaps the next one). but not for a few years down the line, or a fucking decade from now. this is all we have. let's not take it for granted.

your responsible planning is irresponsible. let's be impatient.

birthdays, bagels, and graduations

past.
this past weekend, i found myself in new york city for the first time in far too long. it was nice to catch up with a few friends that live there, but the main purpose of the trip was to celebrate tyler's 30th birthday. i have known tyler, literally, my entire life so i would not have missed this for the world. waiting outside the turkish restaurant in astoria for the rest of the of the party to arrive, i called my brother and then had to hang up shortly after as tyler waved to me through a car window. a few seconds later i noticed a woman that looked a whole lot like tyler's mother who i hadn't seen in at least 5 years. and it was! she surprised him by flying up from austin, texas just for the occasion. his brother and father (also surprisingly) came down from massachusetts too, so the whole family--my sort of extended-neighbor family--was all present. it was great. after dinner we ended up at a latin dance club in queens. continuing a tradition that began last may, tyler's girlfriend grisel and her sisters and cousins sang along to all their favorite tunes from growing up in colombia and we all danced like crazy. in between dj sets, some latin rock groups played while a dvd of live ramones concerts played on all of the bar's tv screens. quite surreal. and amazing.

present.
this morning was bagel tuesday at the gym. even though i've been fighting off a cold the past couple days, i woke up determined to finally check out this monthly situation. it was nice that they provided free coffee as well, but the "bagels" were beyond disappointing. the thin-style they offered tasted exactly like a slightly thicker pita pocket--but even worse than that. this is all to say, i belong to a gym and that is weird and should be surprising to anyone reading this. i'm getting a little more comfortable being there, but the space is still foreign territory to me with its only particular culture and mores outside of my comfort zone; not dissimilar to casinos or stripclubs. despite this specific chain's commitment to being "safe" and a "judgement free zone," it is still a hypermasculine space with rigid gender norms and traditional, well, everything. i'm just trying to keep my heart healthy as i advance in years, and the price is right.

future. 
this coming weekend, my mother is graduating from elms in college in western mass in their rn to bsn program. we're all so proud of her. i'm taking the time off work so i can go up and celebrate. can't wait! my friend amanda, who i also work with now, is driving up to northampton for a bridal shower this weekend so we're gonna roadtrip it together from philly. i'm looking forward to seeing my family again, being there for my mom, and seeing some northampton friends sunday night. karaoke at bishop's anyone? 

an impending future of grad school

sometimes we have no choice but to focus on the future. and sometimes the future is only a couple months away. preparing for this moment can help us get through a present reality that is unfulfulling, or rife with day-to-day uncertainty. this vision inspires us to make it through, to make it happen.

my impending future begins in late-august. my vision is to return to studenthood, pursuing a masters degree. i am excited about dedicating my life toward one thing--a temporary autonomous zone free of neverending questions marks.

recently, i have had the state of vermont on my mind and began entertaining the idea, once again, of applying to goddard college as well as temple. the application deadline for both is mid-summer. both have start dates in august. when i woke up this morning i turned on the radio and an ad for temple's master of liberal arts (mla) program was playing on npr. i interpretted this as a peculiar sign, at least a mild inspiration for getting my shit together.

i'm just gonna go for it and apply to both programs over the next month. letters of recommendation will be requested, bureaucracies will be navigated, and a seemingly crippling personal financial situation will be addressed full-on. all in pursuit of a future of new possibilities.

past/present/future

if you got one foot in the past and one foot in the future, then you're pissing on the present.  -an ancient proverb

now that i have passed into my 30's and people all around me (myself including) are making, or are preparing to make, major life decisions i'm obsessed with how our present realities are informed by our past and/or by our potential futures.

here's a survey: what percentage of your life orientation is dedicated to living for the elusive present moment? how about focused on the past? what part of you is dedicated toward future plans?

go!

360 months

next month i will be passing a personal milestone. it will mark my 360th month living on this planet; also known as turning 30. i like the idea of 360 months though. it's sort of a metaphor about where one is at when they reach this moment: a full rotation into adulthood, preparing for the next stage in life.

it seems like that moment for me is all about starting over, beginning new things, and facing new challenges and dreams. i'm curious how my peers are feeling as they approach this 360 month mark. what are the things that excite you, or scare you? or do you think that this is just an arbitrary birthday, just as any other?

here's to taking our lives (and our dreams) seriously and embracing getting old.

function is the key

Ten years ago, a summer had been an eternity; now entire years were flying by in a blur interrupted only by deaths, marriages, and other catastrophes. There is no more commonplace observation than this, but to my knowledge no one has yet set out to study why children and adults experience the passing of time differently.

everything is changing all around me but i'm temporarily paralyzed, sitting in the proverbial waiting room. uncharacteristic indecision and uncertainty have taken over; along with a more familiar spontaneity. anything is possible: fear and excitement, confusion and ecstacy all dominate at once. i am both stuck and going everywhere. simultaneously moving and waiting; i am patient and in a fierce hurry. time is illusive and my strongest ally. sitting outside of town...