just like a dream

so much has happened. i can't even comprehend it. but in a good way, like i know i am in the middle of something special and when i look back on this it will be an important chapter of my life.

went back to cape cod for a few days to celebrate x-mas with the fam. it felt like fucking florida the whole time i was there. it was such a relief to have a break from the sub-freezing snow bank of the past month. and i slept a lot.

it's nice to be back here though. all the anticipation and excitement of meeting a new person and getting to know them. all day adventure yesterday and i found myself in places that i never thought i would ever see.

i woke early again today, eager to live. there's no time to waste anymore.

phone calls that remind you that you're alive

just talked to amanda m. on the phone and i everywhere i look i see madison. slowly putting the pieces together of that experience. trying to make sense of it all. those songs that defined a year, buzzing through my head. i miss places and people and smells. i want to visit the isthmus soon.

but it's another winter and i'm here. i feel more centered in the northeast. i want to travel this summer though and play music everywhere and see old friends and make new ones. i've been thinking about going to umass for grad school in the fall, but i'm not sure what function that would play. i don't want to do anything just for the sake of security. i just want to really go for it. as the newest fortune cookie message reads: "don't pursue happiness...create it."

word.

winter arrives forever

things are looking up a bit. i have another interview with clamor this weekend about joining their publishing collective. also, i've been getting involved more with valley free radio--a new community radio station here. i have joined the station's labor collective and have spent the past couple fridays sitting on their "bread and roses" show. soon i will begin producing my own show on passions and survival. i'm pscyhed.

mailed out a couple mixed tapes today too. one to the bitch magazine headquarters and the other to a house in richmond, virginia. "no delivery confirmation necessary," i explained to the postal worker. it was strange mailing non-holiday related things amidst the chaos and insanity of this time of year. but i feel a nice sense of accomplishment and pleasure knowing that next week two of my friends will have good days because of me. the soundtrack to their winter.

"if you want it...take it."

it's been a rough week (or two). every aspect of my life, from work to love to my house, has been challenging. but i'm not ready to give up now. i feel more determined than ever to create change. sometimes it's hard to be inspired when everything's just fine. we take shit for granted and we become bored and unhappy. my life seems to be crashing down on top of me but i am going to stand up and do something about it. here's a list in the spirit of this brilliant message (see title) from the fortune cookie at lunch today:

*write, write, write!
*create music
*self-educate (with others)
*read, read, read!
*appreciate the important people in my life
*dance!
*build new connections
*find empowering paid work
*sell shit
*cook food
*mix-tapes!
*try new things
*travel
*be assertive
*sleep well
*stay active
*be outspoken
*listen to others
*write letters
*bake goodies
*support friends
*push the limits

if you want it...

when i got out of work last night i told liz what happened with my boss. "sometimes i think about coming to visit you there," she told me. "but i don't want to see you like that. i want to see you dancing."

thanks for saving my life...again.

ambition (part IV) and communication

i was just laying around feeling like i had no direction in my life. freaking out.

then jen angel called.

they are looking for another person to join the clamor magazine management collective. i had expressed interest so this was an interview of sorts. it would be a pretty awesome experience. they are speaking with 10 other people so we'll see what happens...
*
i use this space to (ocassionally) express (some) things that are on my mind. i make a point to not provide too much information out of fear that it will replace mutual communication with people in my life that i care about. so, if you're reading this and we haven't met for lunch in a while or if i haven't seen you in a few months or we should probably talk on the phone then it would make me happy if we could do those things together. i probably miss you.

i'm just going to leave

there's too much to say. back at bard college for hannah's senior photography show. such an intense experience, as it always is returning to this place. there are still so many familiar faces; some that make me smile and others that make me want to look away. there's just so much history and social anxiety. but it was great to be back too. to see hannah (and her amazing photos) before she leaves this continent for good. to see the backdrop of the catskill mountains against the hudson river valley. those fucking mountains have so much meaning for me. i realized this today. seeing their beauty before the sun set and then again in a couple of hannah's photos. this is my personal psychogeography. this ridge etched into my consciousness like a dream from another world. or like the back of my left hand.

there's more to say. about my incredible adventure in new york city with liz. about vegetarian restaurants and subway lines and coffee. about diy music and seeing good friends and starting over. about sleeping on floors and busrides and cooking food. and how tragic love is when nothing seems to work out right.

sorry but i can't call you before i leave in the morning.
i just can't do this anymore.