liminality

in between. anticipating.
i float through this present moment.
too mundane to be a rite of passage, i sleep-in everyday.
because i can.

redefining the meaning of work and love.
beyond jobs and relationships.
was it the chai
that prevented me from falling asleep last night?
or was it the urgency of these ideas?
curled up alone on saturday night, i read.
my room is messy but the moon is getting bigger,
so it will be clean soon.
this is the new puberty.

your heart is a muscle the size of your fist!

last valentine's day i attended a "dress-like-a-goth" party in boston. sat on the couch alone for hours watching goth-friendly movies, such as edward scissorhands and the crow on mute as bauhaus or some other such nonsense blared in the distance. i (ironically, okay!) wore black eyeliner and white face stuff, spiking my hair with gel. this year i'm looking for jobs, going to the post office and seeing freddy faggot play at the glass nickel tonight. oh yeah.

yesterday was:

*"porn in the morn" at madison's own bennet's smut & eggs with the chicago folks from saturday night's "rock and read" event where they read from their zines. it was my first time there and it lived up to all of my worst expectations. the aging waitresses were surprisingly (grand)motherly in a very comforting way. this, of course, was juxtaposed with cum-on-her-face money shots in slow-mo surrounding us above. and professional bowling on espn. so weird.

*interviewing anne elizabeth moore for my project at the electric earth cafe. she's awesome. got her own book published last year on radical media literacy for kids and she's also an editor at punk planet where she also runs their new publishing company. not mention all the other zines and articles she writes when she's not teaching media studies at columbia college and bringing down the american girl store. pheewwww! she is changing the world.

*having so much fun at a pre-valentine's day rock show with local legends charlemagne and my favorite madison band ric-rac-attack. it made me happy to be back. there were delicious cupcakes and i smashed one of the heart-shaped pinata's. yup, i'm a heart breaker.

frozen lakes & pajama violence

do you think that i could pay my rent with freelance writing and nude modeling? is that legal?

yesterday i walked on a lake. this may not seem strange to mid-westerners, but for me it was an exciting and slightly scary experience. i walked very carefully and slowly across lake mendota, beyond the shadows of the university of wisconsin. i reached the sun that was beading down on the solid ice and thin layer of snow. i stood there and marveled at this other planet and caught a nice glimpse of the capitol. then i walked back.

so, the pajama (dance) party last night at kristy dactyl's new apartment didn't go so well, despite delicious sushi rolls and cake. at around 1:00 am, a bunch of frat-bro's (apparently lured in by the olsen twin look-a-likes milling about outside) marched in to dactyl's apartment. they were not greeted very warmly since it was a small, private affair and so the fratties started throwing punches and breaking bottles. luckily i was in the other room watching people bust-a-move on the dance, dance revolution video game. i saw it all go down though and then the lights came on. everyone was in pajamas, mind you. the cops caught up with their getaway cab and then everyone who got beat up at the party went down to the station to identify the attackers. i felt bad for dactyl since it was her first party ever. it's a good story though.

earlier in the evening i attended a talk by anti-racism activist/theorist tim wise...
http://www.zmag.org/bios/homepage.cfm?authorID=96
he ruled. it was just really inpiring. so after a couple hours of breaking down issues of privilege from a radical perspective it was perfect having these fuckers from frat row further fuel the fire. look out. look out....

back to the present

it's almost four o'clock pm, central time. i find myself back in madison, wisconsin at a computer in the university library. i am here. i'm back. it is very weird.

i haven't really spoken to anyone since i've been back. got in at midnight on the van galder bus. i walked through the light snow up state street toward the blurry silhouette of the capitol. this was a strange experience.

when i was at bard college last week i was recalling what it felt like to return to campus after a break between semesters. you spend that time away remembering all the good things: your friends, favorite spots, and think about all the stuff you want to do when you get back. but this romanticized version always crumbled upon return. not that those things weren't there, it's just that they were floating around all this other shit that your tried to forget about. like how the first person you would see walking around was that asshole from your first year seminar that you tried to forget about, or biting into an uncooked piece of rice at kline commons. the messy stuff.

this is what was racing through my head as i walked home last night amidst drunken frat-boy-speak and shitty weather. is this the madison that i left two months ago?

when i reached my house i remembed that i had left my key inside. it took 2 rings of the doorbell for one of my 11(?) housemates to wake up and answer the door. "welcome back," jen muttered as she simultaneously opened the door and headed back up the stairs to bed. the kitchen was empty and dark, but i was greeted with lots of mail. some good, some garbage, some bad. since bria bailed on our subletting agreement i now owe friends' co-op over $600. sheeeit. if i don't pay half of this by tomorrow then i will be homeless. that's what the "5 day pay or quit notice" told me as i stood in front of the mailbox cubbies. i guess i need to get a fucking job, huh?

so so long to ten hour shifts and faking sympathies.
farewell to piles of bills, unpayed utilities.
all rolled up and unfurled like a flag.
wake up and pack your bag.

i have no regrets. the past two months has been amazing. i wouldn't trade all of these experiences for the entire planet. how could i have not done this. i had a craving for liberation and it tasted really, really good. and things will work out. this is just a small road bump.

valentine's day is next week. perhaps i could cash in on that weird phenomenon and try to climb out of debt. i could deliver roses or sing acoustic-punk-love-ditties to serenade anonymous crushes across this city. work in the valentine's industry: what a funny idea. i used to really enjoy the mid-winter ritual in elementary school when we would exchange valentines to our classmates and draw that big heart on the most suggestive message to our secret sweetheart. and lots of candy, of course. but by eighth grade things changed. that year, i walked down the hallway with a handmade "valentine's day sucks" sign tapped to my angsty, pubescent chest. now i feel ambivalent about this hallmark-holiday. i miss that magical feeling from elementary school, but i resent being forced to experience it by corporate culture. yeah, it would be hilarious if i got some sort of temporary job related to it though.

*

again, i really haven't talked to anyone here yet. said hi to jen as she turned for the stairs, and this afternoon i asked the girl working at the catacombs if they were still serving pesto pasta for lunch. she said yes. i gave her $3 and told her my name and then said thank you when i recieved my plate. those are the words that i have spoken in person here in the past 16 hours. it's nice to be back though. i'm back.

the inauguration was a funeral...

...but we had a party in the streets! indeed. we roamed around dc for hours creating songs like that. singing them to the cowboy hat, tuxedo, and/or furcoat totin' republicans. we sang "we're not gonna take it," while everyone stood in line for the counter-rally along the parade route. and "i believe in miracles" to some asshole wearing red-white-and-blue from head to toe waving an offensively large american flag at people with a shit-eatin' grin. he couldn't quite comprehend the irony of being called a "sexy thing." it was all captured on camera, by someone.

we had a blast, despite the implications of the next four years. it was a funeral for democracy but we sang the counter-eulogy, for a completely different world: one without inaugurations or presidents. and as the tear gas wafted toward the official parade we sang our hearts out and in that brief moment, we experienced this new world.

and we rock; because it's us against them
we found our own reasons to sing

choose your own adventure (part 3)

now: J20 (inauguration day)

you go with the flow. it's 10:30 am now and everything began at 9:00 except for the rally for women's lives. to dupont circle! your group arrives for the end of the rally just in time to join the march. someone suggests that this gathering is all boring liberals and the real action is happening at malcom x park.
http://www.stratecomm.net/~fritz/gallery/j20/012005yy_a

do you stick with the dupont circle march and try to shake things up (p.47) or head over to where "everyone else is" so you feel cooler(p.50)?

(p.47) part of this march is a funeral procession for the american soldiers that have died in iraq. people are carrying mock caskets draped in american flags. most of the people in this march are pretty quiet, but you decide to break out the bucket drum anyway and try to make things a bit more interesting. one of the students from bard brought a bullhorn so your group gets things going in a big way, with the "one! we are the people. two! a little bit louder. three..." chant as you and other protest-percussionists keep the beat alive. one of your wooden spoons breaks in half at the get-go though and you wish you had brought real drum sticks. half a spoon will suffice for now.

marching through the streets of dc feels good. you reach a square where other people are drumming like crazy. your group joins them except for one friend who decides to follow the black flags to the unpermitted black bloc march at logan circle. you join the raucous drum circle for a while, simultaneously dancing and banging the bucket. good times. 20 minutes later griffin gets a call from the black bloc march where fit has hit the shan. the cops predictably showed up in full force and are currently brutalizing the black clad comrades with pepper spray and good old fashion beatings.

do you stay at the hippy drum circle blissed out on drum beats (p.55) or meet up with the maimed black bloc folks who are escaping the melee (p.58)?

(p.58) on the way there you reach an intersection where some excellent street theater is being performed. an abu grahib-style prisoner, replete with black mask/robe, is standing on a milk crate with his arms extended at his sides. to the left and right of this prisoner stands two people from the bush administration (with over-sized cut out masks for identification) dancing and cheering. http://www.stratecomm.net/~fritz/gallery/j20/012005dddd
all four of them are wearing matching "abu grahib fraternity" sweatshirts as a sound system plays classic rock n' roll songs and clips from "animal house." they begin chanting, "toga, toga, toga, toga! toga! toga! toga!" which turns into brutal sounds of torture, transitioned into the anthem "louie, louie"
http://www.stratecomm.net/~fritz/gallery/j20/012005n

dc is filled with supporters of bush as well. many of these republicans are wearing tuxedos, cowboy hats, and/or fur coats to make sure you know which side they are on. some of them walked through this intersection looking down at the street and sheilding their children's eyes from the visceral image of the prisoner abuse caused by their heroes. people can't argue with this powerful imagery.
http://www.stratecomm.net/~fritz/gallery/j20/012005b

the actual inaugural parade is about to begin. do you wait in line to join the rally along the parade route (p.63) or do you continue to roam freely through the streets of dc playing your drum and freestyling songs with your friends about all the cowboy hats, tuxedos and furcoats (p.68)?

*to be continued...

choose your own adventure (part 2)

it's now: january 19, 2005

you have had a lovely visit in new york city, but the inauguration is quickly approaching.

do you go down to dc today to see one of the greatest bands in the world (p.21) or wait until the day of the inauguration (p.24)?

(p.21) driving down in a carpool with students from bard college, the music is blasting and the gas and tolls are paid for by the school. you are happy, despite the snowy conditions and the existence of new jersey. after a long drive you finally reach the suburban maryland home where you are spending the night. the show downtown has already begun but your group must first figure out logistics for the big day. eventually you escape and griffin is the only other one coming along for the rock. when you reach the show there is good news and bad news: the best people in madison, wisconsin are there to greet you at the door, but they inform you that ghost mice has already played. there's another band from bloomington up next and then defiance, ohio. you haven't eaten all day so the tofu wrap and french fries melt in your mouth during the next band's set.

do you stay sitting at the counter (p.27) or dance your ass off to defiance, ohio (p.32)?

(p.32) the place is packed and it's hard to move or see anything. you and griffin slink through the crowd and end up in between the band and the bathroom line. perfect. they open with "bikes and bridges," the song that amanda lewis put on your mixtape. the whole place goes nuts and there's nowhere else in the world that you'd rather be than this amazing show with good friends and all the inspiration and hope to change the fucking world. it's cold outside but the night is hot.

returning to the house you make a bucket drum for the protest as others make signs to hold and after trying three different rooms you finally find a place to sleep...for a few hours. bush awaits.

do you wake up and leave early to make it to one of the rallies before the march (p.35) or just go with the flow and see what happens when you reach downtown (p.40)?

*to be continued...

life as a "choose your own adventure" book (part one)

the beginning: january 14th

you are spending two weeks at your mother's home after a wild new year's in nyc. after completing a radical grant application and helping your sister apply to graduate school you begin to contemplate your next move.

do you stay an extra day (p.2) or leave for boston tonight (p.4) to visit your best friend tyler?

*(p.4) the next bus doesn't leave for almost two hours so you find yourself roaming around the cape cod community college campus in the freezing cold just to kill time. it's after 10 pm when you arrive in boston to deliver tyler's passport and catch up on the past couple weeks. eggplant subs are the only late-night food option but this okay. delicious, in fact.

in the morning you call amanda m. to wish her a happy birthday. she is surprised that you remembered as she shops for books in madison, wisconsin. she's not going to mexico anymore so perhaps you will see her in richmond later in the month. after pancakes and vegan sausage you interview tyler's older brother broderick about hating his dilbert job and loving skateboarding still. then you meet erica wells for lunch at the most expensive cafe/bookstore in the western hemisphere. soup du jour will suffice.

do you stay in boston for the rest of the weekend (p.9) or take the chinatown bus immediately to new york city (p.14) to meet griffin to continue your intense e-mail correspondence in person?

*(p.14) dillinger four is playing on your headphones once again as your bus descends on the city that never sleeps. your heart is racing as you navigate through chinatown on your way to bluestockings bookstore. griffin is waiting for you there as her tea is getting cold. she explains how there's too much to discuss and analyze to sleep tonight. special nuggets at the vegan restaurant next door and a coffee date planned for later. the night is spent deconstructing gender and singing against me! songs in the elevator as her neighbors yell "shut up!" from their bedrooms. the sun has risen and the apartment is filled with a chorus of snoring emanating from all directions. the inauguration is four days away.

*to be continued...

left and leaving

i'm leaving. mixtapes, laundry, letters, last meals. it's time to leave but it seems like i'll be here all winter. soon: buses, interviews, cities, highways, people, going broke.

goodbye for now, cape cod.

this time, this year is bigger than us.

wow. it's a new year, a new beginning, and i am finally writing here again. yes, i'm back. is it just me or does it feel like the whole world is on winter break right now?

yesterday, i finally finally finally finished my grant application! it came down to a letter of recommendation that was sent via e-mail the night before. but i also thought of a sexy new title for my proposal at the last minute: passions and survival: beyond the capitalist dilemma, toward a new society. hot, right? printed out my writing sample, bibliography, everything and mailed it all to the institute for anarchist studies in quebec. cross your fingers for me, this could change my life.

now i have a few more days left on cape cod. the snow is back but nothing like the blizzard after christmas. before i leave i need to interview my sister, sarah and my friend jared for my project. sarah is an amazing artist who is trying to liberate herself from food industry slavery. i wish she could just have all the time in the world to make her beautiful paintings and not have to worry about paying off bills and all that garbage. jared and i played in a punk band together in high school and he is still rocking out with a new band that has played a lot in the boston-area. but he makes his living cleaning carpets. i'm excited about talking to both of them about their daily dilemmas and their life dreams.

starting this weekend i will be embarking on a tour of sorts. it will kick it off in boston before i take the chinatown bus to new york city. i guess i'll be there for a few days before i head to dc for the counter-inaugural. i hope to interview people during this time.

i'm excited about dc! i'm going down there with all these kids from bard college who are after my time. it's all about bridging those generational gaps. one of my favorite bands: defiance, ohio is playing the night before the inauguration. i can't wait. then after dc i'll be heading down to richmond to meet fellow blogger, substitute-teacher extrordinaire, and mix-tape artist amanda g. lewis. this should be a blast. check out her blog: http://flood.orphaned.net/

after that i'll be going here: http://organizedresistance.org --you should join me!

i still miss my friends in madison a lot and am really looking forward to going back there and grounding myself again.

happy new year everyone. i think this is gonna be a good one...

frameworks labeled 'home'

brooklyn, ny

wandering around "the city" i miss my friends in madison. my heart is there and i am excited about returning and giving it everything i have. i've found that it's really important to have space from places (and people) sometimes to be able to truly appreciate how much they mean to me.

i want to call everyone i know on new year's eve and let them know how much i love them. i wish i could get all the people in my life on the same island or something. a big weekend extravaganza. one day...

i miss you all.

tsunami and snow

"everyone's hands cause natural disasters."
-propagandhi

i've always appreciated the fact that the weather and nature is the only thing that humans cannot control. most people freak out when the power goes out during a big storm but not me. it's an opportunity for us to be more creative with our time, to talk with our neighbors and friends--for real. i thought the black out in new york city last, last summer was a glimpse of what the revolution truly could be: people cooperating, helping each other out, and realizing that all the stuff that we own is worthless. all we have is each other.

but occasionally mother nature comes around and seriously kicks some ass. last night there was a snow storm on cape cod that buried my hometown 2 feet deep. we made national news. this snow storm has caused car accidents and probably other problems too, but it pales in comparison to what's going on in south asia right now...

i can't even fathom what it's like to be in sri lanka or indonesia today. an earthquake under the indian ocean has caused a tsunami that has already claimed the lives of tens of thousands of people across south asia. it's so hard to comprehend that sort of destruction. when i first heard about this disaster i freaked out.

one of my best friends, jo, who i love dearly is living in india this year and is currently travelling around the country. i wasn't sure exactly where she was but the news reported that all of india was affected by this. it's so scary when someone you care about might be in danger but you don't know.

well, luckily she e-mailed me today is doing fine on the west coast of india. apparently the east coast was seriously hit and she had thought about going there first but decided not to last week. phewww...what a relief. but my heart still goes out to everyone else who has been affected by this tragedy. it makes it a lot easier to shovel the snow here.

drifting across time and space

to the drifters! in hopes that our paths cross again.
to the homesick! home is when we do meet again.
our histories, our futures, our foundations, are hope.
it's a way to never forget. i'll say goodbye.
and hope never to mean it.
our love and our hope.
no nation or state can contain it.
-defiance, ohio

boston, ma

the past couple days haven't really happened. i have been living in my own time zone, unaware and cut off from my lifeworld. the sun sets, rises and then sets again--and i witnessed it all but with no recollection of rapid eye movement. i am still alivethough; very alive.

the train from chicago to boston left almost 5 hours later than scheduled. i left union station and took the santa express subway (replete with free candy canes) to the punkrock holiday party that i was missing. the soup was so good and silk nog too. and all the coolest most sincere people chicago has to offer. homefries is travelling too and she knows the guy that went to the same high school and college as me. she offers me the key to her apartment in boston. then we introduce ourselves. i look around and realize how lucky i am to be connected to all of this. it's amazing.

music and zine readings amongst the yummy food and wingnut film-maker and i find myself on the living room stage playing "other things" and "gardenhead."

to take on the world at all angles
requires a strength i can't use

i shouldn't be here, i explain...i'm suppose to be on a train right now. maybe i should get going soon. they scanned my finger print so i could use their lockers and my fresh guitar callouses made it difficult to retrieve my bag. spooky.

in chicago, ruth explained, you constantly run in to surprise people and have crazy coincidences. this is my life. yes, i know chris and adam too. i lived in that house in bushwick with them a couple summers ago. and there's katrina who knows you and went to school with me and lives in san francisco now but is from chicago so our paths cross at reckless records. she's arriving, i'm leaving.

backbackback...i think i said goodbye to everyone i could. and after danceparty, pizza, kitchen conversation, delerious packing and two hours of sleep i got on my fucking bike for the last time this year. biking down johnson i take a deep breath and it hits me that this is my last moment in madison until i return in february. i climb the stairs of 1042, lift the mailbox to place the package and i peak a glance at your last name, but it still remains a solitary letter. memory is a motherfucker. cross east wash. on ingersoll and gleefully wake up r and c. i felt so bad about not bowling last night and this is all i could do to show that i really care and am going to miss you. hugs, e-mail exchange and i can't miss my bus so i gotta go...

where am i? am i home yet? "but you don't know where you live," my mom warned me last week. i should call and get directions. for now, i drift.

last/first day

it was easier to get out of bed monday morning. the rising sun was filtered through light clouds and for the first time in my life i biked through snow. it was sort of perfect. it was my last day of work.

it felt like my birthday. and voluntarily leaving a job is sort of like being reborn. i thought i broke my toe when the 1,000+ pounds pallet of frozen grocery products almost rolled over my foot. but it wasn't as serious as my imagination suggested. it barely hurts anymore. that would've been a weird way to end my job, huh?

i hate it when my life degenerates into a soundbyte that is repeated to each person i interact with. but i wanted to tell everyone i knew at the co-op that it was my last day. "why are you leaving?" enter soundbyte: "going back to the east coast for a while...blah, blah, blah...probably work closer to my home when i return...blah, blah, blah."

it was so comforting though when some of my coworkers congratulated me for "getting the fuck out of here." yes, i am moving ahead with my life now. and i don't feel guilty for thinking that anymore.

as i biked home against the backdrop of the winter sunset i sang out loud "and it won't take much to taste liberation!" the first day of the rest of my life. look out...

http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/T-Shirts/egfenton/control.jpg

synchronicity

the theme of my life lately...





synchronicity

    n : the relation that exists when things occur at the same time;

       

        [syn: synchronism, synchrony, synchroneity,

        synchronization, synchronisation, synchronizing]

        [ant: asynchronism, asynchronism, asynchronism]

conscious

friday was partypartyparty-nap-workworkwork-nap-movie-show-nap...and it all caught up with me sunday evening. after working all day monday and biking to/from work in the rain i slept for 12 hours last night. ah...and one more week of work to go.

i've been thinking about all the people in my life all over the country and world that i miss dearly and how i want to be conscious about this time in madison and the people here that i care about. some of them are leaving madison too and i might not see them again for a while.

"you never realize what you've truly got until it's all fucking gone..."
-the degenerics

get it done, live for now

i think i've cracked the code for overcoming procrastination. well, at least understanding it better. it is directly related to our tendency to not truly live in the present.

the past three months i have been in madison (plus an evening trip to milwaukee to see ward churchill speak) working 32 hours a week. my work week is friday through monday, 8-4--every week. overandoverandover...i've realized that when you have such a set schedule life is no longer urgent. it's as if you are trapped in a maze with no map or exit strategy. it makes things seem immortal, like they will always be this way--forever.

this past week i decided to shake things up, giving my two weeks notice at work. i'm leaving madison soon and it's given me motivation to get shit done. it's exciting. when it seems like you're a hampster hopeless running along in the wheel it seems like there's always extra time to do all the things you've been thinking about. but no inspiration. how come it's only when our time is finite that we accomplish amazing things? maybe it's just me. here's to doing stuff...

one foot in the past, one foot in the future...you're pissing on the present.

calendar hopes

woke up this morning and changed the calendar to december. i like starting a new month or a new year because it helps me reflect on where i've been, where i'm going, and what the hell i'm doing now.

where were you a year ago today? i was swimming at a resort in wrightsville beach, north carolina at the tail-end of a three month road trip across the country. weird. time seems to always be moving simultaneously fast and slow. like how so much has happened in that time but it seems like just last week.

i like where i'm at right now. only two more weeks left of work. i'll miss everyone in madison, but i definitely need some time away, some space. i'm psyched about seeing everyone on the east coast, plunging into this book project and being able to appreciate my life here more when i return.

with hope, we keep flipping the pages of the calendar...

"tell the boss i quit today, i'm through with working..."

so i am finally going to quit my job. ah, the two weeks notice. it's actually a lot more stressful than it sounds. last week i was joking about how it would be so much more fun and painless to intentionally get fired. think of all the creative possibilites...

richard confessed that his get-fired-fantasy was to throw a slice of roast beef at an obnoxious customer and watch it slide down his/her face. i decided that the best way to go out would be to somehow turn off all the power and simulanteously create an acoustic punk show in aisle four. it would rock so hard. it would go down in history. but yes, i would probably get arrested in addition to getting fired. sounds fun though, right?

the plan is to go back to the east coast for a while and work on finding grants so i can write a book about the dilemma of our time: pursuing our passions while surviving in a capitalist society. can i interview you?

ps: i work at a natural foods co-op not a mysterious mixtape factory. :)

thank or mourn?

tomorrow is thanksgiving and for the second year in a row i will be hundreds of miles away from any family. i've always been critical of the problematic mythology around the holiday but last year i discovered that it's all about being around people you care about--family or friends. this is a positive thing despite the history.

in high school i started attending the national day of mourning in plymouth, ma. here native people would passionately articulate the legacy of genocide that most americans are ignorant of as they get fat on turkey and pie. i would go to this every year from 1998 to 2002.

i am still critical of this suspect holiday but i also recognize that it is a rare opportunity for most americans to appreciate the people in their lives that they love.

tomorrow i will mourn but also give thanks to all the amazing people in my life.