frameworks labeled 'home'

brooklyn, ny

wandering around "the city" i miss my friends in madison. my heart is there and i am excited about returning and giving it everything i have. i've found that it's really important to have space from places (and people) sometimes to be able to truly appreciate how much they mean to me.

i want to call everyone i know on new year's eve and let them know how much i love them. i wish i could get all the people in my life on the same island or something. a big weekend extravaganza. one day...

i miss you all.

tsunami and snow

"everyone's hands cause natural disasters."
-propagandhi

i've always appreciated the fact that the weather and nature is the only thing that humans cannot control. most people freak out when the power goes out during a big storm but not me. it's an opportunity for us to be more creative with our time, to talk with our neighbors and friends--for real. i thought the black out in new york city last, last summer was a glimpse of what the revolution truly could be: people cooperating, helping each other out, and realizing that all the stuff that we own is worthless. all we have is each other.

but occasionally mother nature comes around and seriously kicks some ass. last night there was a snow storm on cape cod that buried my hometown 2 feet deep. we made national news. this snow storm has caused car accidents and probably other problems too, but it pales in comparison to what's going on in south asia right now...

i can't even fathom what it's like to be in sri lanka or indonesia today. an earthquake under the indian ocean has caused a tsunami that has already claimed the lives of tens of thousands of people across south asia. it's so hard to comprehend that sort of destruction. when i first heard about this disaster i freaked out.

one of my best friends, jo, who i love dearly is living in india this year and is currently travelling around the country. i wasn't sure exactly where she was but the news reported that all of india was affected by this. it's so scary when someone you care about might be in danger but you don't know.

well, luckily she e-mailed me today is doing fine on the west coast of india. apparently the east coast was seriously hit and she had thought about going there first but decided not to last week. phewww...what a relief. but my heart still goes out to everyone else who has been affected by this tragedy. it makes it a lot easier to shovel the snow here.

drifting across time and space

to the drifters! in hopes that our paths cross again.
to the homesick! home is when we do meet again.
our histories, our futures, our foundations, are hope.
it's a way to never forget. i'll say goodbye.
and hope never to mean it.
our love and our hope.
no nation or state can contain it.
-defiance, ohio

boston, ma

the past couple days haven't really happened. i have been living in my own time zone, unaware and cut off from my lifeworld. the sun sets, rises and then sets again--and i witnessed it all but with no recollection of rapid eye movement. i am still alivethough; very alive.

the train from chicago to boston left almost 5 hours later than scheduled. i left union station and took the santa express subway (replete with free candy canes) to the punkrock holiday party that i was missing. the soup was so good and silk nog too. and all the coolest most sincere people chicago has to offer. homefries is travelling too and she knows the guy that went to the same high school and college as me. she offers me the key to her apartment in boston. then we introduce ourselves. i look around and realize how lucky i am to be connected to all of this. it's amazing.

music and zine readings amongst the yummy food and wingnut film-maker and i find myself on the living room stage playing "other things" and "gardenhead."

to take on the world at all angles
requires a strength i can't use

i shouldn't be here, i explain...i'm suppose to be on a train right now. maybe i should get going soon. they scanned my finger print so i could use their lockers and my fresh guitar callouses made it difficult to retrieve my bag. spooky.

in chicago, ruth explained, you constantly run in to surprise people and have crazy coincidences. this is my life. yes, i know chris and adam too. i lived in that house in bushwick with them a couple summers ago. and there's katrina who knows you and went to school with me and lives in san francisco now but is from chicago so our paths cross at reckless records. she's arriving, i'm leaving.

backbackback...i think i said goodbye to everyone i could. and after danceparty, pizza, kitchen conversation, delerious packing and two hours of sleep i got on my fucking bike for the last time this year. biking down johnson i take a deep breath and it hits me that this is my last moment in madison until i return in february. i climb the stairs of 1042, lift the mailbox to place the package and i peak a glance at your last name, but it still remains a solitary letter. memory is a motherfucker. cross east wash. on ingersoll and gleefully wake up r and c. i felt so bad about not bowling last night and this is all i could do to show that i really care and am going to miss you. hugs, e-mail exchange and i can't miss my bus so i gotta go...

where am i? am i home yet? "but you don't know where you live," my mom warned me last week. i should call and get directions. for now, i drift.

last/first day

it was easier to get out of bed monday morning. the rising sun was filtered through light clouds and for the first time in my life i biked through snow. it was sort of perfect. it was my last day of work.

it felt like my birthday. and voluntarily leaving a job is sort of like being reborn. i thought i broke my toe when the 1,000+ pounds pallet of frozen grocery products almost rolled over my foot. but it wasn't as serious as my imagination suggested. it barely hurts anymore. that would've been a weird way to end my job, huh?

i hate it when my life degenerates into a soundbyte that is repeated to each person i interact with. but i wanted to tell everyone i knew at the co-op that it was my last day. "why are you leaving?" enter soundbyte: "going back to the east coast for a while...blah, blah, blah...probably work closer to my home when i return...blah, blah, blah."

it was so comforting though when some of my coworkers congratulated me for "getting the fuck out of here." yes, i am moving ahead with my life now. and i don't feel guilty for thinking that anymore.

as i biked home against the backdrop of the winter sunset i sang out loud "and it won't take much to taste liberation!" the first day of the rest of my life. look out...

http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/T-Shirts/egfenton/control.jpg

synchronicity

the theme of my life lately...





synchronicity

    n : the relation that exists when things occur at the same time;

       

        [syn: synchronism, synchrony, synchroneity,

        synchronization, synchronisation, synchronizing]

        [ant: asynchronism, asynchronism, asynchronism]

conscious

friday was partypartyparty-nap-workworkwork-nap-movie-show-nap...and it all caught up with me sunday evening. after working all day monday and biking to/from work in the rain i slept for 12 hours last night. ah...and one more week of work to go.

i've been thinking about all the people in my life all over the country and world that i miss dearly and how i want to be conscious about this time in madison and the people here that i care about. some of them are leaving madison too and i might not see them again for a while.

"you never realize what you've truly got until it's all fucking gone..."
-the degenerics

get it done, live for now

i think i've cracked the code for overcoming procrastination. well, at least understanding it better. it is directly related to our tendency to not truly live in the present.

the past three months i have been in madison (plus an evening trip to milwaukee to see ward churchill speak) working 32 hours a week. my work week is friday through monday, 8-4--every week. overandoverandover...i've realized that when you have such a set schedule life is no longer urgent. it's as if you are trapped in a maze with no map or exit strategy. it makes things seem immortal, like they will always be this way--forever.

this past week i decided to shake things up, giving my two weeks notice at work. i'm leaving madison soon and it's given me motivation to get shit done. it's exciting. when it seems like you're a hampster hopeless running along in the wheel it seems like there's always extra time to do all the things you've been thinking about. but no inspiration. how come it's only when our time is finite that we accomplish amazing things? maybe it's just me. here's to doing stuff...

one foot in the past, one foot in the future...you're pissing on the present.

calendar hopes

woke up this morning and changed the calendar to december. i like starting a new month or a new year because it helps me reflect on where i've been, where i'm going, and what the hell i'm doing now.

where were you a year ago today? i was swimming at a resort in wrightsville beach, north carolina at the tail-end of a three month road trip across the country. weird. time seems to always be moving simultaneously fast and slow. like how so much has happened in that time but it seems like just last week.

i like where i'm at right now. only two more weeks left of work. i'll miss everyone in madison, but i definitely need some time away, some space. i'm psyched about seeing everyone on the east coast, plunging into this book project and being able to appreciate my life here more when i return.

with hope, we keep flipping the pages of the calendar...

"tell the boss i quit today, i'm through with working..."

so i am finally going to quit my job. ah, the two weeks notice. it's actually a lot more stressful than it sounds. last week i was joking about how it would be so much more fun and painless to intentionally get fired. think of all the creative possibilites...

richard confessed that his get-fired-fantasy was to throw a slice of roast beef at an obnoxious customer and watch it slide down his/her face. i decided that the best way to go out would be to somehow turn off all the power and simulanteously create an acoustic punk show in aisle four. it would rock so hard. it would go down in history. but yes, i would probably get arrested in addition to getting fired. sounds fun though, right?

the plan is to go back to the east coast for a while and work on finding grants so i can write a book about the dilemma of our time: pursuing our passions while surviving in a capitalist society. can i interview you?

ps: i work at a natural foods co-op not a mysterious mixtape factory. :)

thank or mourn?

tomorrow is thanksgiving and for the second year in a row i will be hundreds of miles away from any family. i've always been critical of the problematic mythology around the holiday but last year i discovered that it's all about being around people you care about--family or friends. this is a positive thing despite the history.

in high school i started attending the national day of mourning in plymouth, ma. here native people would passionately articulate the legacy of genocide that most americans are ignorant of as they get fat on turkey and pie. i would go to this every year from 1998 to 2002.

i am still critical of this suspect holiday but i also recognize that it is a rare opportunity for most americans to appreciate the people in their lives that they love.

tomorrow i will mourn but also give thanks to all the amazing people in my life.

the art of mixtapes

"The thing about mix tapes, and the way that they're like relationships, is that I get to put all the genuinely pretty/interesting parts at the beginning, on the surface, to draw you in, to get you to want to be closer. And once I have you interested, attracted, wanting to know all of me, I show you the more human sides, the less pretty and the more petty. And then I feel cooler and better and more loved because you see all (whatever that means) of me and still love and like and are attracted to me. I try to explain the interesting things that I'm thinking and then hope that you'll still want me even when you know all the depressing shit that comprises large portions of my brain. Some good poetry about some bitter shit. A cut off the new Marchenko album, then here comes a crusty Dylan song."

-Tales of a Punk Rock Nothing by Jamie Schweser and Abram Shalom Himelstein