wake up call

after a blissful friday night i was briefly awoken this morning by the faint sound of my phone ringing. but it was waaaay too early to (physically) answer it. who the fuck is calling me anyway? back to sleep...at 9:30 am i wake up again, eyes open this time. but now i have the frightening realization that perhaps i was not scheduled to work at 3:00 pm today, but rather the opening 7:30 am shift! that's probably why my phone rang so damn early. i slowly grab my planner, open up to this week and stare at my ultimate (work-related) fear coming true: 7:30-2 in my signature hand writing.

fuck.

this is not a good way to begin a summer day. i listen to the multiple messages left by co-workers and bosses. i call the cafe to sheepishly apologize and tell them that i'm on my way. "see you soon," my boss replies. when i arrive enter through the back door. my boss requests that i speak with her outside. shit, is this really my life right now? "what happened?........"well, i let everybody screw up once." once. my expendability is layed out and reinforced in those words. i put on my apron and begin washing dishes. standing over the sink i think back to the first dishwashing job i had...10 YEARS AGO.

fuck.

i want more.

constellatory adventures

everywhere i go there is a coincidence waiting to greet me. life as constellation. everything thing revolves around the place where you began. everyone is related on some level.

in the next couple weeks i will figure out what i am doing. stay in northampton and work at the free press? go back to cape cod and figure shit out? stay here and figure shit out? go on a free cross country trip that a friend of a friend forwarded about widely? move anywhere? life as choose your own adventure book.

the thunderstorm and rain last night has changed everything. i can feel it in my bones. humid brutality has been washed away. we breathe again. tonight i will rock...

room, bike, phone

i have a room now and a bike and a phone. the luxuries of 21st century life in america. i might stay in northampton if i can get a job at free press.

the summer has just begun. there seems to be more potential now. is it just the ability to cross rivers and call friends to ask about song titles? mobility. communication.

but september is creeping up...i need to quit the cafe soon. everyday i work seems like my first fucking day on the job. "good luck with everything," she condescends as the buttons on the cash register beep uncontrollably. fuck you. this is not what i am living for right now. i'm just here for the wage, tips and the occasional free food. my life aspirations are bigger than the little world you've created for yourself in your head where your lesiure depends on my exploitation. this is not what i am living for. good luck to YOU.

i have keys to the office and the night owls in the park across the street watch me type this. it's still summer. it's still summer. go swimming. make some stencils. stay up all night. drink cold water. live...

early august medley

1.) homeless part II

walking down the street a man yelled out to me: "hey! dude with the dark sunglasses." he asked if i would be willing to donate a dollar to a charity for homeless people in the area. i hesitated, but then realized the weight of this request. i offered a dollar that i had received from tips at woodstar the night before. i told him that i didn't have a place to stay right now either and that i was sort of couchsurfing. he told me about how the church across the street has a place for folks to stay. i thanked him and told him that i have friends that will help me out and a potential home soon. "alright, i'll send a blessing up for you." i thanked him again and walked away as he discovered another guy with "dark sunglasses" who, from the hideous look on his face, did not appreciate having that pointed out to him. i walked thinking about everything, again confronted by my social privileges. most people who are truly homeless don't have the same options or resources as me. this is a situation of my own making that in actuality is just a nuisance, not an oppressive condition that i have to deal with for the rest of my life.

in fact, it will be over by the time that you even read this. i have been offered a room in a collective house in hadley and i am moving in tomorrow! the room is pink. the house is disbanding after the end of the month so it's temporary but it's cheap and amazing. so like i said before, i will be fine.

2.) no. i don't want to see you while you are in town this weekend.

i walk in defiance, trying not to make eye contact with cars as i walk around town. i look straight ahead or towards the tree tops so as not to seem defeated or as if i'm hiding from something. every fucking car that passes by is like a surviellance camera. i try to ignore it but it makes me even more of conscious of the possibility that i will be seen. this is bullshit. i slip up and look straight at the recently parked car. panic. my heart races and i begin walking faster. is my nightmare coming true? i walk around the corner without looking back...well, just once. i cross the street and i am free, for now. please leave...

3.) sleep-overs for survival.

thank you for letting me sleep in your bed. i feel like we've been friends all summer but i didn't even know your name when i got to your apartment thursday night. bodies traced on the porch with chalk like it's a crime scene as glass spins until the sun rises. this moment is rated PG-13 despite the suggestions, despite everything. i have to leave work early. a nap in the smith college campus center, newspaper at my side so it looks like i was just reading. i have keys to the office but the couches are too small. i have to wake up at 7:00 am so i return to your apartment before you leave for kareoke. thanks again for letting me sleep in your bed. you saved my life.

4.) i have a phone now.

please call me.

homeless in northampton

when you sleep
no one is homeless
when you sleep
you can't feel the hunger

-against me!

i left town monday night to escape the situation that i have created for myself. i had been planning on going to the mischief brew show in boston that night but my ride fell through. instead i found myself at my grandmother's house three towns away.

waiting for her to pick me up i decided that i would take a bus to new york city the next day. and i did. met up with jon and got to visit peter hart at fairness and accuaracy in reporting (fair) where i used to intern. i wanted to see griffin too but when i called her from the payphone at union square she answered...from albany. we missed each other by one day. after i hung the phone up the guy waiting to use it called me a "faggot." ah, new york. one day of summer filth baking in the sun was enough for me. i'm not sure if i really want to live there. of course if i found a rad job i would go for it, but we'll see...

took the fung wah bus to boston wednesday morning at 8am. arrived in boston to meet up with my mom for lunch. she's worried about me. my grandmother told her that i need new clothes. she thought i looked ill, like i lost weight in the past two weeks since she last saw me. i'm doing fine, i reassure her. met up with tyler at boston common and shot the shit amongst dogs the size of sport utilitiy vehicles. suv dogs for a supersized urban culture. boston is much cleaner than new york though and there's more trees. nick met us too and we walked and walked and walked looking for food. it was so great to hang out with those guys again.

i wish i could've stuck around longer. but of course i had to take another bus this morning back to northamtpon to work at woodstar cafe. the closing shift. so here i am, out of work. it's 80's night at diva's and i think i'm going... i'm just not sure where i'm sleeping tonight. but i'll figure out.

don't worry about me.

in the past week...

*i hung out with dave meek after his adventure in grenada.

*saw al burian and jessica hopper read at flywheel.

*realized that i sweep/mop floors left-handed.

*learned that i enjoy pulling weeds and watering plants.

*returned to the welfleet beachcomber to see east coast tremors.

*listened non-stop to old built to spill and pinhead gunpowder.

*took a 5 hour bus ride and then worked a 7 hour shift.

*was asked, "is this job working out for you?"

*danced my ass off to '90s music at the elevens.

*still haven't figured out where i'm living in the fall.

*...or next week.

show & movie

it was another day in which i woke up uncertain of what would happen--whether or not i would be able to do what i wanted to do. such is the life of a person without a phone or mode of transportation.

a monday show at flywheel that could've packed a huge hall in any large city: lightning bolt along with local legend thurston moore and his new side project the heavy creeps. a must-see show, indeed. it was scheduled for 8:00 pm and they meant it. by the time emily and i showed up it had been "sold out for a while." damn.

there were so many kids there and i realized how much i've missed all of that. everyone was all sweaty and gross because of the ridiculous humidity and heat. oh, and there's no air conditioning in the performace space. we did get to hang out in the air conditioned zine library room though while thurston's band played and everyone who got there on time suffered from the harsh conditions. i read an old copy of maximum rock n' roll from '92. the survey question of the month was: "would you fuck a punk over 30?" weird how the 17 year olds who were surveyed are the 30 year olds now. and how that will be me in 6 years. funny shit. there was also an ad for a "riot grrrl convention" in dc and i felt like i was flipping through a history book.

so...we left after all the sweat poured out of the room. instead of sticking around to partially experience lightning bolt's set we skipped out and drove to hadley to see the new charlie and the chocolate factory movie. i really enjoyed the book and original movie when i was younger so i was curious to check it out. it was fun but i did have a lot of issues with it. not just because johnny depp's willy wonka reminded us of michael jackson frollicking with the children through neverland. the whole oompa loompa subplot was pretty disturbing to me. i'm sorry but no silly song-and-dance number can make racist cultural imperialism cute. although i do appreciate the critique of greed and excess manifested in all the other spolied children.

i had a good night despite missing lightning bolt and everything.

search for meaning

it seems like it all comes down to having some sort of meaning in one's life: a direction, a sense of purpose. looking back, it's so obvious that the happiest periods in my life consisted of this urgency of meaning. from big things like protesting an ensuing war to little things like having an old friend visit for a weekend; this is what keeps me going. the challenge is to create that meaning in every word spoken, every breath inhaled.

labor puberty

i think i've figured out why i hate working so much. (besides the fundamentally warped logic of the capitalist wage economy) the underlying issue for me is manifested in the process of beginning a new job, getting trained. i feel scared, stupid, nervous and vulnerable. it brings me back to an earlier period in my life when i often felt insecure and socially inept. it's like puberty all over again.

i think a lot of people go through this when they start a new job but my problem is that sometimes that feeling doesn't ever completely go away. i continue to feel alienated from my work and these insecurities and fears linger. there's something dehumanizing about being trained in the most rote, menial tasks when i know that i could being doing something more intellectualy challenging that i would acutally enjoy.

but i get through the day knowing that this is a temporary situation. that something better awaits my near-future. as the operation ivy song continues:

...but i'll get out. i'll get out of here!

now i'm working just like everyone else

back in northampton after a wondeful vacation in maine.

started the internship at class action today.

tomorrow, i begin working at woodstar cafe.

now i just need to figure out what i'm doing this fall...

turn around

it's all downhill from here
-the evens

it's amazing how quickly things can turn around sometimes. in the past 24 hours:

*i finally started a webpage for my passions and survival project!
*figured out that i will be able to stay in ocean park all of next week with family because:
*class action postponed my intern orientation until the following monday!
*i got a fucking job at woodstar cafe and it won't start until the day after that!
*i will get to visit kelderberry while i'm in maine!
*twenty dollars magically appeared in the mail this morning!

can it get any better? my grandmother is picking me up tomorrow afternoon and i'm so excited to see my aunts and uncles and my mom and my sister too. i'm almost done reading a language older than words and am looking forward to diving into my beach book that sarah gave me for my birthday.

okay, moment of excitement over...now.

job interviews and laundry

it's all about lying on job applications. i am soooooo experienced at everything. will you be my fake reference? what else can you do when a bachelor's degree can't you get you a job at a fucking ice cream shop? and we just repeat over and over again in our heads: "i am over-qualified. i am..."

haven't done laundry in a while so i'm down to my most offensive t-shirts. the ones that jon pawned off on me when we were roomates because he couldn't be seen in public wearing them: the brother inferior shirt with the man hanging from a noose against the backdrop of the american flag and on the back reads: And With The Guts Of The Last Priest Let Us Strangle The Last King So We Can Finally be The Land, or the atom and his package "go metric" shirt: Stick Your Foot up your Fucking Ass

oh yeah. but what do i do when she says my job interview is in one hour? i just grabbed the button-down short sleeve job that i sported at the party in florence friday night. and i shaved. ah, the adventures of employment...

responsibilty not adventure

wake up it's time to get out of bed
you've been sleeping for a year
let's go to the post office
the weather's nice
we'll ride our bikes
-ghost mice

i woke up this morning not knowing where i would be tonight. i went down to raven used bookstore with three hard cover books to sell them. but $10 couldn't get me a bus ticket to brattleboro. as i write this there are dozens of people dancing their hearts out in that unitarian church. it looks like i'm not going to experience any of the plan it x fest shows this summer. and i can't accurately explain how devastated i am about this. but i'll get over it. i have seen defiance, ohio play 3 time already. if you do live in a city where the tour is passing through, please go and tell me how it is.

in a sense, it was really good that i didn't go to brattleboro. not just because i'm broke and didn't have a ride back or know the town at all, but because of something that occured an hour after the bus would have left...i got the internship at class action! woo hoo! so it wasn't a bad day after all.

somewhere else

here i am again, desperately wishing i am somewhere that i am not. i decided to be responsible and not go to the allied media conference in bowling green, ohio but that's where my heart is right now. instead i'm just here, isolated, not spending money but not doing anything useful either. last night was the beginning of the plan-it-x fest at the amc. i just tried not to think about it too much.

i have a feeling that things will start to get better soon. i just need to take control of my life again.

running downhill

the summer is on hold as i float, just waiting to hear back about jobs. ah, the powerlessness of selling one's labor. i wonder what it would be like to live in a society that is free of such worries. where everyone could freely cultivate and pursue their passions without worrying about the present cultural expectations or the economics of survival. how do we get there? reading derrick jensen's a language older than words, i came across a passage that deeply resonated with this dilemma:

"for nearly as long as i can remember, i've had the habit of asking people if they like their jobs. over the years, about 90 percent...have said no. as i sat bored those days at my computer, i began to wonder what the percentage means, both socially and personally. i wonder what it does to each of us to spend the majority of our waking hours doing things we'd rather not do, wishing we were outside or simply elsewhere, wishing we were reading, thinking, making love, sleeping, or simply having time to figure out who the hell we are and what the hell we're doing. we never have enough time to catch up--i never knew what that meant, but it always felt as though i were running downhill, my body falling faster than my legs could carry me--enough time to try to understand what we want to do with the so very few hours each of us are given."

yes. this is the struggle we are faced with: to figure out what we want to do and then try as hard as we possibly can to do it and make the most out of our lives. recently, i have spent some of the hours i have been given watching numerous episodes of the showtime series "the l word," and fucking around on the internet. i need to rediscover my inspiration and become more conscious of these limited hours, the precious time that i have to live the only life i have.

i am going to stop writing this and get to that...

good and bad on the east coast

i'm back on the east coast and there's too much to say about the past week. way too much. i have learned a lot about myself and mistakes that i've made, personally and economically. the year is almost half over and it is time for a change. everything seems out of control right now and seemingly hopeless, but these are just obstacles that i can break through.

good things and bad things dueling...

bad:
1.) leaving all my favorites in madison. i miss you already...
2.) last minute packing and two hours of sleep before hitting the road.
3.) still owing money to my co-op house.
4.) arriving in cleveland and realizing that i left my bike in madison!
5.) did i mention that i'm completely broke?
6.) not being able to go to the allied media conference (see number 5).

good:
1.) dessert potluck and outdoor seating at genna's when i should've been packing.
2.) seeing jo again after her 9 months in india!
3.) boca burgers at denny's (with hickory smoked sauce and onion rings).
4.) anne's mixtape about travelling, places, roads, leaving, etc.
5.) summer.
6.) publishing passion/survival interviews in future issues of toward freedom and clamor.

i'm on cape cod for the weekend to see my family. jared's surf guitar band, east coast tremors, is playing a show at "the beach break" saturday night and i'm gonna open for them and get payed a little bit! and maybe sell some copies of my new cd that david recorded. it will be good to see jared and everyone and tyler will be here for the weekend too. i'm psyched. i want to sell my ted williams bat too. can you smell the desperation?

i applied for a million jobs in northampton, but the only one i care about is a part time research internship at class action. hopefully something will work out.

i miss everyone. i don't have a phone anymore so send me an e-mail: mattdineen@riseup.net

no goodbyes. only see you laters...

forces

my last few days in madison. this is it. what a strange, strange week it's been. sun rises and nonstop social-izing. i can't put down derrick jensen's words and the reality of my departure seems just as surreal as the events of the past week. the summer is afoot. don't lose the magic...

"the idea of north"
by defiance, ohio

the idea of north was frozen like some glacial ice, so large and imposing - but quickly thawed by words of secrecy and thoughts of northern lights and polar ice and things i can't quite understand. not some cardinal point on a map, but a feeling that takes me where i meekly stand - an idea so exciting that suddenly i'm not content with running wild and playing games with friends in streets of this old college town.

i wish i had a magic compass. to tell me that adulthood's corrupt and there's more to this world than that which meets the eye. it could tell you the truth but to read it, you'd have to leard for yourself the meaning. to meter means to measure, and measures are what i'm so afraid to take.

they say the powers of this world are very strong. that men and women are moved by tides much fiercer than you can imagine. that they sweep us up in their currents, icy waves - the most terrible of lies. could we be much bigger than this with no forces to force us to decide?

today, i woke up and...

less than two more weeks left in madison. last night was my final house meeting at friends' co-op. i'm really bittersweet about the whole thing. i'm going to miss a lot of people here and all the good things about madison, but i know this just isn't the place for me right now and i'm looking forward to the possibilities that lie ahead.

i have a place to live for (part of) the summer! it's a beautiful one bedroom apartment in northampton. the woman subletting it went to smith and knows one of jo's friends so it all works out quite well. the search is over. august is up in the air for me, which i'm kind of excited about. i'll just see what happens. i really should settle down in the fall though....right? isn't that what i said a year ago?

anyway, this weekend was a lot of fun because rachel jacobs was in town with lemuria, from buffalo, ny, and the show on saturday was a blast. sunday was a day off from their tour so they hung out in madison. they got tofu scrambler (which apparently doesn't exist in buffalo) at monty's blue plate diner and then played frisbee golf...as i partcipated in the house workday. not exactly what i wanted to do on a gorgeous spring day. but then we all went to the aftershow for the mad rollin' dolls, madison's all-girl roller derby league, final bout. it was the most crowded i have ever seen the high noon saloon. screamin' cyn cyn and pons rocked the werewolf's ass.

it was a good weekend overall. so nice to see rachel again and catch up, and to meet the friendly lemuria kids. they were really cool and put on a fine live show. yay to new friends! i was sad to see them all leave today. back on the road toward davenport, iowa. i should've gone with.

gossiping about how great people are

i survived my stint as a temp-slave at the univeristy bookstore. the job itself wasn't so bad after that awful supervisor left me alone. but i was sick the whole time i worked there, coughing and sneezing all over the text books. it was one of the last places i wanted to be. but i survived.

this is partially due to a few amazing people who passed through town during this difficult moment in my life. first was david rovics, a political folk-singer from boston that i've known for several years and brought to bard college a few times. he played in madison just as i was starting my job and i got to interview him about following his passion as a full time job. hearing him play "minimum wage strike" brought me back to my senior year in high school when i first heard him play, but also deeply resonated with my current situation. he had no idea that i was in madison so after his performance at the memorial union terrace i tapped him on the shoulder and said, "hey." he was totally surprised and gave me a big hug. so nice to see him.

and then last thursday in the midst of the week from hell, peter linebaugh unexpectedly descended on madison. his wisdom and radical spirit provided me with the hope and perseverance to make it through the week. he reminded me that the most effective way to fight power is get together with other people and organize because you can't do it alone. peter continues to be an important mentor of mine and a true friend.

after working 6 days in a row, i enjoyed a much-needed day off on sunday. it was anne's birthday so we all went to the glass nickel and stuffed ourselves with delicious pizza. it was also the day of allison's graduation at the UW so her whole family came along too. before i left my house to celebrate with them i got a phone call from meredith informing me that she was in town from los angeles! she had written me a couple weeks ago to let me know she was gonna be around for a couple days later in the month, but i totally forgot. it was such a lovely surprise. meredith is one of the most wonderful people i know. she is a dear friend, an incredible conversationalist, and a radical, compassionate, musicologist visionary. i feel more hopeful about the state of the world when i remember that meredith is out there.

so, we met up that night after i returned from the glass nickel. walked down to michaelangelo's and drank tea until we were the last ones there and they were mopping the floor. unfortunately she had to leave the next day and i had to work, but we had lunch together on my break before saying goodbye. those brief moments that we share with people in our lives are so precious. you never know when you'll see each other again so you need to make the most of it. i hope that our paths cross again...soon.

so all of these special visitors helped me get through the week. and tomorrow i get to see another old friend from college. rachel jacobs is on tour playing her amazing acoustic songs and i'm setting up a show for her in madison! i can't wait. oh, and jo is back from india! yaaaay!

these are the moments.

small defeats, large visions

held like water in your shaking hands
are all the small defeats a day demands
10-6 or 9-5 trying, dying to survive
never knowing what survival means

i have spent most of my time this week with the likes of upton sinclair, virginia woolf, mark twain, max weber, juliet schor, and william shakespeare. although this sounds like great fun, it has been one of the most miserable weeks of my entire life. i fucking hate my job.

my time as a temp-worker sorting books at the university of wisconsin bookstore will end only a week and half after it began. i can't imagine doing it any longer. it's funny because i love books and i always enjoyed putting books away at rainbow bookstore cooperative on my volunteer shifts. but this is different. the university bookstore is a corporate factory surrounded by a much larger bureaucratic monster. it is a plantation of text books. thousands of students who are done with their spring semester courses are selling their books back this week. as the bookstore's temporary slaves we are responsible for sorting, alphabetizing and organizing the returned books. as the week progresses the space is closing in on itself, like a basement quickly filling up with water. all we can do is tread as hard as we can until we can't breathe anymore. then we leave.

the work itself actually is not that bad. i work at a pretty leisurely pace and i don't smell when i get home. it's the workplace that is oppressive. my supervisor is little rat named terry doyle. a small fish in ginormous chlorinated lake, trained to micro-manage us plankton that are temporarily floating below him. i don't do well with supervisors and their dubious mission to reinforce the myth that there is one correct way to do everything.

when i registered with the temp agency i decided that i would go by matthew; to assume a different name and identity for this strange, disjointed experience. "hi this is matthew dineen. do you have any work for me this week?" undercover, selling my labor...the ultimate alienation. i was introduced to terry doyle as matthew. when he approached me early in the week to assign me a "project" and accuse me of taking an extra break "at 10 of 3," he had forgotten my name. after uselessly speaking at me, without my acknowledgement, he finally submitted to requesting that i remind him what my name is. "matthew," i responded, still sorting books. "oh yeah, matt," he shot back. he's on to me. he reminds me that there are cameras. cameras. watching.

so, it sucks. but these kinds of experiences are important and stimulating. it has helped me put a lot of things into perspective. it has crystallized my politics and reinvigorated my commitment to particpatory democracy and collectively decision making. to creating a society where people truly have control over their lives. one that can cultivate lives worth living for. and i realize that i have it better than most of my fellow plankton. they are stuck in this temporary economy in madison, moving from job to job just to survive. some have families, some are alcoholics, everyone is miserable doing this work. by the end of the month i will be moving on with my life, away from madison and it's lakes (both real and metaphorical).

* * *
amidst my week of hell at the book plantation (and having a cold on top of it), i had a wonderful experience yesterday evening that helped me get through all of this. riding my bike to ambrosia co-op for dinner i discovered a very special person on the corner of state and w. johnson. seeing peter linebaugh, a professor and close comrade at bard college, standing on that corner was like biking through a dream. those ones with someone from your life that you haven't seen in a while because they mean a lot to you and you miss them.

there he was. visting madison from ann arbor, michigan with some students of his from the university of toledo. they were on a road trip researching landmarks relevant to the magna carta. it was cold here and they were going to camp, so i offered my house. we all hung out and engaged in stimulating conversation. mostly about how much my job sucks. and strategies of resistance. they were grateful to have a warm, dry place to stay and i was excited to have the company. and peter showed his gratitude by donating a copy of his book to the friends' co-op library.

it was so good to see peter. we went to 2 degrees coffeeshop this morning before i went to work and they heading back. we hugged goodbye and he looked at me and said, "don't let the bastards get you down." that got me through the day. thanks peter.

i am gonna make it through this year
if it kills me