turn around

it's all downhill from here
-the evens

it's amazing how quickly things can turn around sometimes. in the past 24 hours:

*i finally started a webpage for my passions and survival project!
*figured out that i will be able to stay in ocean park all of next week with family because:
*class action postponed my intern orientation until the following monday!
*i got a fucking job at woodstar cafe and it won't start until the day after that!
*i will get to visit kelderberry while i'm in maine!
*twenty dollars magically appeared in the mail this morning!

can it get any better? my grandmother is picking me up tomorrow afternoon and i'm so excited to see my aunts and uncles and my mom and my sister too. i'm almost done reading a language older than words and am looking forward to diving into my beach book that sarah gave me for my birthday.

okay, moment of excitement over...now.

job interviews and laundry

it's all about lying on job applications. i am soooooo experienced at everything. will you be my fake reference? what else can you do when a bachelor's degree can't you get you a job at a fucking ice cream shop? and we just repeat over and over again in our heads: "i am over-qualified. i am..."

haven't done laundry in a while so i'm down to my most offensive t-shirts. the ones that jon pawned off on me when we were roomates because he couldn't be seen in public wearing them: the brother inferior shirt with the man hanging from a noose against the backdrop of the american flag and on the back reads: And With The Guts Of The Last Priest Let Us Strangle The Last King So We Can Finally be The Land, or the atom and his package "go metric" shirt: Stick Your Foot up your Fucking Ass

oh yeah. but what do i do when she says my job interview is in one hour? i just grabbed the button-down short sleeve job that i sported at the party in florence friday night. and i shaved. ah, the adventures of employment...

responsibilty not adventure

wake up it's time to get out of bed
you've been sleeping for a year
let's go to the post office
the weather's nice
we'll ride our bikes
-ghost mice

i woke up this morning not knowing where i would be tonight. i went down to raven used bookstore with three hard cover books to sell them. but $10 couldn't get me a bus ticket to brattleboro. as i write this there are dozens of people dancing their hearts out in that unitarian church. it looks like i'm not going to experience any of the plan it x fest shows this summer. and i can't accurately explain how devastated i am about this. but i'll get over it. i have seen defiance, ohio play 3 time already. if you do live in a city where the tour is passing through, please go and tell me how it is.

in a sense, it was really good that i didn't go to brattleboro. not just because i'm broke and didn't have a ride back or know the town at all, but because of something that occured an hour after the bus would have left...i got the internship at class action! woo hoo! so it wasn't a bad day after all.

somewhere else

here i am again, desperately wishing i am somewhere that i am not. i decided to be responsible and not go to the allied media conference in bowling green, ohio but that's where my heart is right now. instead i'm just here, isolated, not spending money but not doing anything useful either. last night was the beginning of the plan-it-x fest at the amc. i just tried not to think about it too much.

i have a feeling that things will start to get better soon. i just need to take control of my life again.

running downhill

the summer is on hold as i float, just waiting to hear back about jobs. ah, the powerlessness of selling one's labor. i wonder what it would be like to live in a society that is free of such worries. where everyone could freely cultivate and pursue their passions without worrying about the present cultural expectations or the economics of survival. how do we get there? reading derrick jensen's a language older than words, i came across a passage that deeply resonated with this dilemma:

"for nearly as long as i can remember, i've had the habit of asking people if they like their jobs. over the years, about 90 percent...have said no. as i sat bored those days at my computer, i began to wonder what the percentage means, both socially and personally. i wonder what it does to each of us to spend the majority of our waking hours doing things we'd rather not do, wishing we were outside or simply elsewhere, wishing we were reading, thinking, making love, sleeping, or simply having time to figure out who the hell we are and what the hell we're doing. we never have enough time to catch up--i never knew what that meant, but it always felt as though i were running downhill, my body falling faster than my legs could carry me--enough time to try to understand what we want to do with the so very few hours each of us are given."

yes. this is the struggle we are faced with: to figure out what we want to do and then try as hard as we possibly can to do it and make the most out of our lives. recently, i have spent some of the hours i have been given watching numerous episodes of the showtime series "the l word," and fucking around on the internet. i need to rediscover my inspiration and become more conscious of these limited hours, the precious time that i have to live the only life i have.

i am going to stop writing this and get to that...

good and bad on the east coast

i'm back on the east coast and there's too much to say about the past week. way too much. i have learned a lot about myself and mistakes that i've made, personally and economically. the year is almost half over and it is time for a change. everything seems out of control right now and seemingly hopeless, but these are just obstacles that i can break through.

good things and bad things dueling...

bad:
1.) leaving all my favorites in madison. i miss you already...
2.) last minute packing and two hours of sleep before hitting the road.
3.) still owing money to my co-op house.
4.) arriving in cleveland and realizing that i left my bike in madison!
5.) did i mention that i'm completely broke?
6.) not being able to go to the allied media conference (see number 5).

good:
1.) dessert potluck and outdoor seating at genna's when i should've been packing.
2.) seeing jo again after her 9 months in india!
3.) boca burgers at denny's (with hickory smoked sauce and onion rings).
4.) anne's mixtape about travelling, places, roads, leaving, etc.
5.) summer.
6.) publishing passion/survival interviews in future issues of toward freedom and clamor.

i'm on cape cod for the weekend to see my family. jared's surf guitar band, east coast tremors, is playing a show at "the beach break" saturday night and i'm gonna open for them and get payed a little bit! and maybe sell some copies of my new cd that david recorded. it will be good to see jared and everyone and tyler will be here for the weekend too. i'm psyched. i want to sell my ted williams bat too. can you smell the desperation?

i applied for a million jobs in northampton, but the only one i care about is a part time research internship at class action. hopefully something will work out.

i miss everyone. i don't have a phone anymore so send me an e-mail: mattdineen@riseup.net

no goodbyes. only see you laters...

forces

my last few days in madison. this is it. what a strange, strange week it's been. sun rises and nonstop social-izing. i can't put down derrick jensen's words and the reality of my departure seems just as surreal as the events of the past week. the summer is afoot. don't lose the magic...

"the idea of north"
by defiance, ohio

the idea of north was frozen like some glacial ice, so large and imposing - but quickly thawed by words of secrecy and thoughts of northern lights and polar ice and things i can't quite understand. not some cardinal point on a map, but a feeling that takes me where i meekly stand - an idea so exciting that suddenly i'm not content with running wild and playing games with friends in streets of this old college town.

i wish i had a magic compass. to tell me that adulthood's corrupt and there's more to this world than that which meets the eye. it could tell you the truth but to read it, you'd have to leard for yourself the meaning. to meter means to measure, and measures are what i'm so afraid to take.

they say the powers of this world are very strong. that men and women are moved by tides much fiercer than you can imagine. that they sweep us up in their currents, icy waves - the most terrible of lies. could we be much bigger than this with no forces to force us to decide?

today, i woke up and...

less than two more weeks left in madison. last night was my final house meeting at friends' co-op. i'm really bittersweet about the whole thing. i'm going to miss a lot of people here and all the good things about madison, but i know this just isn't the place for me right now and i'm looking forward to the possibilities that lie ahead.

i have a place to live for (part of) the summer! it's a beautiful one bedroom apartment in northampton. the woman subletting it went to smith and knows one of jo's friends so it all works out quite well. the search is over. august is up in the air for me, which i'm kind of excited about. i'll just see what happens. i really should settle down in the fall though....right? isn't that what i said a year ago?

anyway, this weekend was a lot of fun because rachel jacobs was in town with lemuria, from buffalo, ny, and the show on saturday was a blast. sunday was a day off from their tour so they hung out in madison. they got tofu scrambler (which apparently doesn't exist in buffalo) at monty's blue plate diner and then played frisbee golf...as i partcipated in the house workday. not exactly what i wanted to do on a gorgeous spring day. but then we all went to the aftershow for the mad rollin' dolls, madison's all-girl roller derby league, final bout. it was the most crowded i have ever seen the high noon saloon. screamin' cyn cyn and pons rocked the werewolf's ass.

it was a good weekend overall. so nice to see rachel again and catch up, and to meet the friendly lemuria kids. they were really cool and put on a fine live show. yay to new friends! i was sad to see them all leave today. back on the road toward davenport, iowa. i should've gone with.

gossiping about how great people are

i survived my stint as a temp-slave at the univeristy bookstore. the job itself wasn't so bad after that awful supervisor left me alone. but i was sick the whole time i worked there, coughing and sneezing all over the text books. it was one of the last places i wanted to be. but i survived.

this is partially due to a few amazing people who passed through town during this difficult moment in my life. first was david rovics, a political folk-singer from boston that i've known for several years and brought to bard college a few times. he played in madison just as i was starting my job and i got to interview him about following his passion as a full time job. hearing him play "minimum wage strike" brought me back to my senior year in high school when i first heard him play, but also deeply resonated with my current situation. he had no idea that i was in madison so after his performance at the memorial union terrace i tapped him on the shoulder and said, "hey." he was totally surprised and gave me a big hug. so nice to see him.

and then last thursday in the midst of the week from hell, peter linebaugh unexpectedly descended on madison. his wisdom and radical spirit provided me with the hope and perseverance to make it through the week. he reminded me that the most effective way to fight power is get together with other people and organize because you can't do it alone. peter continues to be an important mentor of mine and a true friend.

after working 6 days in a row, i enjoyed a much-needed day off on sunday. it was anne's birthday so we all went to the glass nickel and stuffed ourselves with delicious pizza. it was also the day of allison's graduation at the UW so her whole family came along too. before i left my house to celebrate with them i got a phone call from meredith informing me that she was in town from los angeles! she had written me a couple weeks ago to let me know she was gonna be around for a couple days later in the month, but i totally forgot. it was such a lovely surprise. meredith is one of the most wonderful people i know. she is a dear friend, an incredible conversationalist, and a radical, compassionate, musicologist visionary. i feel more hopeful about the state of the world when i remember that meredith is out there.

so, we met up that night after i returned from the glass nickel. walked down to michaelangelo's and drank tea until we were the last ones there and they were mopping the floor. unfortunately she had to leave the next day and i had to work, but we had lunch together on my break before saying goodbye. those brief moments that we share with people in our lives are so precious. you never know when you'll see each other again so you need to make the most of it. i hope that our paths cross again...soon.

so all of these special visitors helped me get through the week. and tomorrow i get to see another old friend from college. rachel jacobs is on tour playing her amazing acoustic songs and i'm setting up a show for her in madison! i can't wait. oh, and jo is back from india! yaaaay!

these are the moments.

small defeats, large visions

held like water in your shaking hands
are all the small defeats a day demands
10-6 or 9-5 trying, dying to survive
never knowing what survival means

i have spent most of my time this week with the likes of upton sinclair, virginia woolf, mark twain, max weber, juliet schor, and william shakespeare. although this sounds like great fun, it has been one of the most miserable weeks of my entire life. i fucking hate my job.

my time as a temp-worker sorting books at the university of wisconsin bookstore will end only a week and half after it began. i can't imagine doing it any longer. it's funny because i love books and i always enjoyed putting books away at rainbow bookstore cooperative on my volunteer shifts. but this is different. the university bookstore is a corporate factory surrounded by a much larger bureaucratic monster. it is a plantation of text books. thousands of students who are done with their spring semester courses are selling their books back this week. as the bookstore's temporary slaves we are responsible for sorting, alphabetizing and organizing the returned books. as the week progresses the space is closing in on itself, like a basement quickly filling up with water. all we can do is tread as hard as we can until we can't breathe anymore. then we leave.

the work itself actually is not that bad. i work at a pretty leisurely pace and i don't smell when i get home. it's the workplace that is oppressive. my supervisor is little rat named terry doyle. a small fish in ginormous chlorinated lake, trained to micro-manage us plankton that are temporarily floating below him. i don't do well with supervisors and their dubious mission to reinforce the myth that there is one correct way to do everything.

when i registered with the temp agency i decided that i would go by matthew; to assume a different name and identity for this strange, disjointed experience. "hi this is matthew dineen. do you have any work for me this week?" undercover, selling my labor...the ultimate alienation. i was introduced to terry doyle as matthew. when he approached me early in the week to assign me a "project" and accuse me of taking an extra break "at 10 of 3," he had forgotten my name. after uselessly speaking at me, without my acknowledgement, he finally submitted to requesting that i remind him what my name is. "matthew," i responded, still sorting books. "oh yeah, matt," he shot back. he's on to me. he reminds me that there are cameras. cameras. watching.

so, it sucks. but these kinds of experiences are important and stimulating. it has helped me put a lot of things into perspective. it has crystallized my politics and reinvigorated my commitment to particpatory democracy and collectively decision making. to creating a society where people truly have control over their lives. one that can cultivate lives worth living for. and i realize that i have it better than most of my fellow plankton. they are stuck in this temporary economy in madison, moving from job to job just to survive. some have families, some are alcoholics, everyone is miserable doing this work. by the end of the month i will be moving on with my life, away from madison and it's lakes (both real and metaphorical).

* * *
amidst my week of hell at the book plantation (and having a cold on top of it), i had a wonderful experience yesterday evening that helped me get through all of this. riding my bike to ambrosia co-op for dinner i discovered a very special person on the corner of state and w. johnson. seeing peter linebaugh, a professor and close comrade at bard college, standing on that corner was like biking through a dream. those ones with someone from your life that you haven't seen in a while because they mean a lot to you and you miss them.

there he was. visting madison from ann arbor, michigan with some students of his from the university of toledo. they were on a road trip researching landmarks relevant to the magna carta. it was cold here and they were going to camp, so i offered my house. we all hung out and engaged in stimulating conversation. mostly about how much my job sucks. and strategies of resistance. they were grateful to have a warm, dry place to stay and i was excited to have the company. and peter showed his gratitude by donating a copy of his book to the friends' co-op library.

it was so good to see peter. we went to 2 degrees coffeeshop this morning before i went to work and they heading back. we hugged goodbye and he looked at me and said, "don't let the bastards get you down." that got me through the day. thanks peter.

i am gonna make it through this year
if it kills me

working again

do we only need to keep working because it pays rent?

i started working again yesterday. i finally got a job through the temp agency. so, for the next couple weeks i will be sorting books alphabetically at the university of wisconsin bookstore. i'm a booksorter, an alphabetizer, a temporary wage-slave. i'm working again.

the thing about the job that i feared most was the red vest i was told i had to wear. at the end of the our group's tour through the bowels of the store the human resources manager brought us to the closet where the red vests live. "here they are." just before we tried them on, another university bookstore employee appeared, to inform her that the policy had changed. "they don't have to wear the red vests....well, unless they want to!" sigh. now i can just blend in and do my thing. no uniform. no name tag. And for some reason i have equated red vests with facial acne; as if they are related somehow or wearing the vest causes acne. so, no facial acne too.

i have the weekend off but will be working all next week. my manager, terry, who reminded me of a used-car salesman with a stutter, replied bluntly when i asked about the schedule for next week as i was leaving: "just show up."

questions to ask

"in general, what direction do you think your life is heading?" i paused before answering her. my brain froze and i felt my heart collapse into my feet. this is the big question, right? the one that i've been obsessed with for the past couple years: what we do with our lives; how we live in this illogical society. so why was i drawing a blank? is it just this week of upheaval where everthing in my life seems uncertain?

i'll drown the urge for permanence and certainty...

what direction is my life going? i think i do know this. it was just that initial pause that sort of frightened me. that moment where nothing seemed to make sense. i want to take on the world with as much ambition as i can possibly create in my head:

BE REALISTIC, DEMAND THE IMPOSSIBLE.

the other question that tickled our minds that night seemed mundane, but in actuality is just as provocative and revealing: how do you feel about eating alone? the variety of responses this invoked made me realize how important this question is; how it can function as one of the most accurate measures of one's personality. so, what's your take on eating alone and why do you feel this way?

this is the most interesting question you can ask someone when you meet them.

snow in may?

may day was always such an important event when i was in college. the first of may: the history of workers' struggle and a current vision for a new society weighed down on me each year when i would run around the campus greeting everyone with, "happy may day!" it was such a special occasion. a time to celebrate the revolutionary spirit that was inside us.

yesterday was may day. for a brief period of time it snowed in madison. snow. in may. snow. it fucking snowed on may day. did i mention that i am leaving wisconsin soon?

the snow was something of a metaphor of my recent apathy. i didn't have the same intangible feeling that i usually do on this usually magical day. but i can't blame it on the snow. the snow was just symbolic for the way things have been recently.

that spirit is still there, inside of me. i just need to become inspired again, to get off my ass and do something. to stop the damn snow. i can see the light shining ahead...

happy (belated) may day.

between here and now and then

madison is a revolving door. almost all of the friends i have made here have already left. richard and kate are leaving today. i had breakfast with them this morning before their greyhound ride into the future. they're not coming back. and i don't know when i'm gonna see them again because they're travelling around mexico and beyond this summer, then moving to chicago in the fall. i miss them already. but soon it will be my time to leave too.

*the politics of living for the future*
i think we all want to live in the present as much as possible, but sometimes the present doesn't look so good and the only way to get through it is by looking ahead. the potentiality of next year, next month, next week, tomorrow can provide much needed inspiration. i think, like most things, it's important to reach a balance. to appreciate the present moment while plotting future plans for hope. i don't want to feel completely alienated from my current reality or lost in the present without a forward vision.

recently it's felt like my body has been going through the motions in madison, functioning with the rest of the central time zone, while my heart and brain has been elsewhere--a future dimension in a different land; a different reality. this fracture has been challenging but it should help me appreciate the summer after i leave. i want to feel alive again and to be around the ones i love.

and we won't stop until we are the people
that we decided we should be
i want to be a shot heard 'round the world
fucking unstoppable
this distance is not something we'll regret
between here and now and then and forever
and days after that 'til the very end

exit strategy

cough, cough, cough. writing songs in my head. temp-slavery awaits me this week and i need to get out of here. june couldn't come fast enough. my body is here but my heart is beating on the east coast of this giant land mass. all my friends have left or are leaving and everyday i ask why i am still in this strange college town. but it's not quite as drastic as it sounds because spring is here and that's what gets me through each day. but i'm getting pretty fucking impatient.

i want to run away and never look back.

years

hey! today is my birthday. "april seventh"--those words still hold a magical meaning for me. all those birthday parties of my youth, all the memories come back when i hear them. it's my birthday.

growing older is weird. like how you can talk about how something was ten years ago and really remember it as if it happened last week. ten years ago i started playing punk rock and that's when my life began to change. ten years from now? scary.

i like the number 24 though. it fits me right now. and i like even numbers better in general. here's to an amazing year...

"People like you and I, though mortal of course like everyone else, do not grow old no matter how long we live...[We] never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born."

-Albert Einstein

goodbye winter. goodbye wisconsin.

goodbye for now, wisconsin. i'm leaving you for a week and half to play by the pacific ocean. i might miss you a little, but probably not. your lingering snow and frozen lakes are bringing me down. that shit better be melted when i come back to you. in return i'll make the sun stay out an hour later.

goodbye, wisconsin. i'll tell california you say hello.

amelie equinox

things are looking up. a week from today i will be in california, escaping the winter despair. i can't wait to be back in the bay area and to see all of these amazing people that i care about so much.

when i return it will be spring. the days will be an hour longer and soon i can walk around outside in a t-shirt searching for adventures.

can you hear the accordian playing?
let's skip some stones together.

"we regret to inform you"

that's right. yesterday, the mail i had been waiting for this whole time i've been back in madison arrived. the envelope was light and after i reached that second sentence i yelped, "fuck!" and kim knew exactly what that meant as she read the newspaper at the kitchen table next to me.

so now what?

i'm more determined to dive into this project now because nothing is holding me back. i just need to overcome my crippling financial situation. i need to sell myself, somehow.

any ideas?

*

"Living is no laughing matter:
you must live with great seriousness like a squirrel, for example--
I mean without looking for something beyond and above living,
I mean living must be your whole occupation.
Living is no laughing matter: you must take it seriously,
so much so and to such a degree
that, for example, your hands tied behind your back,
your back to the wall,
or else in a laboratory in your white coat and safety glasses,
you can die for people--
even for people whose faces you've never seen,
even though you know living is the most real,
the most beautiful thing.
I mean, you must take living so seriously
that even at seventy, for example, you'll plant olive trees--
and not for your children, either,
but because although you fear death you don't believe it,
because living, I mean, weighs heavier."

-Nazim Hikmet

spring/hope

did i mention that spring is the best time of the year? everything comes to life again after stagnant winter dormancy. the days are longer and we run around like bunnies.
birthday parties and the start of the baseball season. a buzz in the air.

springtime greeted madison by surprise the past couple days. it was amazing. boundless sunshine and warmth inspired bike rides and walks in the park. but as i have learned, this is a very transitory town. people come and go like no other place. go away for a week and half of your friends have moved to the west coast or fucking new york...

today spring left as soon as it arrived. the biting wind is back. the lakes are still frozen.
*

the past month i have been waiting, living outside of myself. but there is hope:

Greetings,
Letters to grant applicants informing them of the IAS Board's awarding decisionswere mailed yesterday. We will be posting information about grant recipients and their projects on our website very soon.
All my best,
andrea
Institute for Anarchist Studies

i will keep you posted.
spring is on its way.