the enormity of cupcakes and bunnies

some experiences are just too big, too powerful to reduce to the limitations of the written word. this is partially why i haven't written much lately. everything has just been so intense, so otherworldly, so big. language could never do this moment justice.

the moment ended less than an hour ago with a bus station goodbye straight out of the most heart-wrenching 80's movie ever produced. but there are no goodbyes, only see-you-laters. an ending opens up into a new beginning. just the beginning of something even more magical, something even bigger.

i bet most of the people you know enjoy busrides

in southern new hampshire it got cold after the sunset. cold in a way that i haven't felt in months, that first sensation that the summer has begun to recede. the days getting shorter, the fall looming in the near future. i learned that there are two kinds of people in this world: those that enjoy busrides and those who don't. burn collector #13 entertained me on the ride home this afternoon, after the anxiety produced by the greyhound being 45 minutes late. al burians tales of travel misadventures in germany, after a much-feared family reunion there, made me like i had gone through more than the 90 minute ride from keene to northampton. there was the brief stop in greenfield in which i got off the bus to hand my brother an envelope only to get right back on, but it wasn't that eventful beyond that sketchy act. now, i'm happy to be home. ready for another adventurous weekend after a nice contemplative get away.

complete control

woke up this morning craving the clash, knowing it would be a good day. it was a gut feeling. now i have this nice block of time to be alone in my bedroom, to confront the things i have been avoiding for weeks, months, years. laundry drying downstairs, the clash on my turntable. i put a new E string on my neglected guitar and it wasn't even on my to-do list. my arms and fingers just made it happen, as if it was a physical need like drinking water or defacating. this summer needs music! i flip the record over for the third time and anticipate a fun night ahead.

saturday night theater

tonight we celebrated the 3 year birthday of valley free radio. it was this week 3 years ago that the station went on the air during the grassroots radio conference and barnraising facilitated by the prometheus radio project. we sat along the canal in holyoke squinting our eyes, pretending we were in venice for a night. veggie meatballs and frozen cream puffs on the grille. tomorrow is a performance of the taming of the shrew at heather's farm in the berkshire's, featuring a number of evolution characters, blueberry-picking-brunch, and the cafe will be closed to accomodate the show. another anniversary was passed recently, that being my one year working there. honestly, i never thought it would last this long. i'd like to find something new before the year's end but it is so comfortable and mindless. but on the downside...it's so comfortable and mindless. i receive e-mails about ak press hiring again and i fantasize about the bay area. but really, all i can think about is west philly. drool, drool...

in my secret place

i want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth...

the sappiest indie-pop songs make so much sense right now, like they're in synch with the pulse in my left wrist. really, i'm just happy that my bike was where i left it last night after the rain began. it's always a gamble leaving it downtown after sunset. my heart skipped a beat as i turned that corner only to find it leaning against the street sign, a little wet but still fully alive. abandoned but forgiving, ready to ride again. it's gonna be a good day. i can feel it.

playgrounds

i could've been in new york city today, rescuing long-lost bicycles from brooklyn alleyways; or in brattleboro, vermont reading anonymously in coffeeshops and climbing mountains with local superheroes. but instead i'm just here, breathing. i'm wiping the cobwebs off of the growing pile of adult responsibilites multiplying on top of my desk. well, at least in theory. i'm actually sitting in the lamest cafe in town with a dozen other alienated souls, all secretly hoping that one of us will sink each other's electronic battleships. then we could all escape this strange, artificial keyboarded and flat screened world for something fresher, something that we can actually taste and smell.

i'm facing a wall of greeting cards and i think about all of the belated greetings i should be sending across the country. i haven't forgotten about you. i'm just lazy. really, i still care. in simpler times we could just leave cryptic messages on poles and 'spaceship' walls on the playground. two sets of initials added together, sketched into the paint and metal, surrounded by hand-drawn penises and titles of 80's movies. we were part of a secret club that never had to rely on hallmark logos or fancy fonts.

we returned there last night and proudly added our own messages to this twisted tapestery of scribbles and lewd comments. time stopped. and every whisper pierced our ears, as we lay there just waiting to get caught.

ambush august

july is over and so far this new month, labeled ambush on my nikki mcclure calendar, has relentlessly deprived me of alone time. things have been really exciting but i need to stop and think in order to fuel everything else. but i can't get enough of it all. sometimes i'll give myself a quick thought break by spending a little extra time in the bathroom to sing a song in the mirror, or i'll show up early to the after-party and just lie down in the middle of the street watching shooting stars. these are the moments that sustain the passion.

inquire within

sometimes you just need to shave your head and write up a to-do list. inhale. exhale. move forward. there's a break in the rain and i need to go take advantage of that shit. you'll probably see me from heavy traffic, singing at the top of my lungs. i want to make it all happen. now. or just give me a week to let my thoughts germinate. grow, grow, grow. then watch out. ohhhhhh! i have to go, but just wait...

both sides of the river

when you live in a valley, the notion of horizon and the actual time of the sunset are pretty blurry, imprecise. you have to climb to the top of one of the surrounding hills or mountains to have a more authentic perception of the day's end. last night i found myself on top of mt. skinner, celebrating my roommate pete's birthday. gazing out beyond the valley below from the porch of the summit house i saw the horizon. the sun set prematurely under the cluster of thick clouds in the distance, but i can honestly say that i witnessed the sunset.

today i biked to the medows, the flat expanse of farmland that winds around the opposite side of the river and holyoke range. those pink, luminescent puddles scattered up and down its dirt roads that i pointed out last night became extreme challenges to overcome as the sun beat down on my neck. carrying my bike as i shuffled along the edge of corn crops, i forged ahead riding until the next obstacle presented itself. finally reaching the puddle-less stretch toward the airport i looked up at the summit house and thought about the chipmunk that scuttled along its base while i watched the sun set.

late night

i want to be able to remember all of my friends' birthdays without relying on the internet to remind me. i ended up at the wrong party saturday after a long night of work and serving food to white people listening to white people playing jazz, i found myself in the cooley dickinson waiting room. as 4:00 am pressed on i was commiserating with the girl who also had a friend gettting treated for a glass-in-head injury, just before i dozed off while trying to read rebecca solnit's a field guide to getting lost. the rain and thunder raged outside as heads were stapled and i returned home to read the newest issue off the bard college alumni magazine featuring photos from my reunion. before dozing off for real. this may explaing why i feel so tired now...

the show

the show went well. i'm still laughing about the girls who asked me if i was the "owner" of the house. "i don't even live here," i said, smiling, after gaining my composure. all the bands were really great and a lot of good people showed up to rock out to a mid-week, summer basement show. even the rain and lightning couldn't hold us back. griffin and i both broke strings on our guitars. mine was right after singing: i never have and never will pledge allegience! i didn't know the rest of the words of the classic propagandhi anthem anyway so maybe it was for the best that the E string snapped. i just cut right to the outro: those who see through the lies, are quickly gagged and bound. ambition realized: tear the whole fucking thing down! ella and ben were very gracious hosts, particularly given the fact that they didn't know many people there, in their own home. they seemed like they had a nice time too.

i hope more house shows and parties happen this summer. it's so important to create these spaces, even temporarily, in which people can have meaningful interactions outside of market exchanges. no purchases, customer service, tips, or hierarchy. just fun, conversation, dancing, singing, and sharing. there's so much more to write but it's a truly beautiful day and we should all just turn our computers off and go outside...now.

anchor of adventure

this is the peak season for trainhopping, greyhound scams, and other types of ill-advised road trips. mid-summer. even with sky-rocketing fuel costs people are criss-crossing this vast country in search of adventure and connection. with the exception of a possible day trip to nyc (anyone wanna join me?) this sunday i am feeling pretty anchored right now. i am here, in this apartment i moved into 3 years ago, with an extra bed for those on the move.

sunday afternoon hannah-(lastnamesareferfeds) contacted me on couchsurfing.com about crashing in northampton monday night. she was hitchiking from boston so wasn't certain when exactly she would be arriving, but she was aiming to get in before the potluck at 7:00 i invited her too. after work, with an hour before the potluck, i rode bikes with two of my coworkers down to a secret swimming spot in leeds. it was truly amazing. i hadn't been swimming in this area since my first summer here and after a sweaty shift and bike ride i needed it. a return trip is surely in order...

despite travelling from north carolina, hannah knew half of the people at the potluck and it was promptly invited to lori's birthday party saturday upon meeting her. she greeted my coworker with long-lost-friend-type hug as, it turns out, they worked together at the camp in rowe last summer. it all made so much sense. i biked home and hannah found a ride. we were equally tired and fell asleep early after studying maps and helping her secure a ride for the morning. she was pleased about not having to hitchike another day.

my brother arrived at my door from the bus just minutes after hannah's ride picked her up. an ostensible job-hunting trip to northampton quickly degenerated into socializing with his new bff and my incredible neighbor ani. i spent hours spamming everyone i know about the house show i'm setting up for griffin this week while they drank beer and out-sassed each other. ani fed us delicious pesto from basil she grew in her garden. i was distracted by phone calls with rumors of the iron horse entertainment group potentially interfering with the upcoming valley free radio benefit that we've worked so hard to organize. several additional phone calls clarified that the story was more complicated, but the benefit has, indeed, been cancelled.

after our vfr meeting to discuss all of this tony and i came back to my apartment to meet up with paul who had just woken up from a nap. the second house party of the day, also featuring my lovely roomates, winded down as they got ready for bed and roseredd stopped by to say hello. she gave me, tony, and paul a ride to the basement before she drove home to clean the yankee candles off her skin. the basement was too much fun, well, for me. they sat on the couch in the corner feeling too old. i talked to everyone i could about the show the following night and danced hard in between. we walked home before the music ended and had a little sleepover to avoid any drunk driving to chicopee. i'm not used to waking up with a boy in my bed, but i felt okay about that. paul is spending the day with his friend lee checking out the massage school in easthampton and applying for jobs. ostensibly.

tonight is the show. griffin and her true believers should be on their way down from montreal but i haven't heard from them yet so i'm just waiting in anticipation. waiting to rock...

the edge of honesty

my former, 22-year old self looks over my right shoulder as type this, moralizing, carpel tunnels on fire. how could i truthfully explain to him what i've done? really. honestly. the blood, the guts, the stained sheets. dozens of scandalous tales scribbled in haiku form to melt his naivete and post-adolescent world view. he remains there, on both shoulders, filtering my experiences and emotions into the words you read. did all of these things really happen? the sweat, the late night bike rides, the stories that only one or two people have ever heard. i want to tell you everything, honesty dripping out of my nostrils, oozing out of my lips onto this computer screen. but not tonight. he looks down at me and ties my wrists together with elastic bands and duct tape. "you're never gonna guess what happened last night..." a message in a bottle to be read on a different shore. i have a crush on your words. on your truth.

doing my laundry

i think you're right. the ocean definitely helped me clear my mind. i was pretty quiet that week in maine around my family, but the whole time my mind was racing with the wildest dreams and ideas. i've been trying to actualize all of that since i've been back. finally got around to publishing my interview with erick lyle (soon to be be on towardfreedom.com--who are paying me!), and have just been writing more in general. i've also been playing my guitar everyday, reconstructing those fingertip callouses again, in preparation for the show i'm setting up here for griffin and her true believers next week. that's been nice. biking more too. now i just need to get my shit together with the tours i'm booking for aid & abet. i also need to dance more. and swim. it's all about balance. i think i can do it. all of it.

sesame tofu

during that (first) summer of poverty katie z. came to visit and graciously took me out to lunch. sesame tofu and miso soup at the only pan-asian restaurant in northampton i was familiar with at the time. we used to go there back in the day and ordering my "usual" brought me comfort. going out to lunch was sort of a reintroduction to society after selling books to finance unsuccessful payphone calls to a certain cellphone in manhattan that never picked up. desperate voicemail messages left as nocturnal insects infested the streetlight outside the bus station. my future boss had to leave a message on my roommate's phone informing me that i was hired. things didn't turn around until, during my week of homelessness, i met my new bestfriends on a back porch of a third floor apartment downtown.

today i went out to lunch, alone, at said pan-asian restaurant. for old time's sake i ordered my usual and reflected on these peculiar three years, where i've been how i got here, how i returned over and over again. i used to say, "i'm here...for now." but now, this is where i live. and it's good.

surprise show

i wasn't planning on going to a show in a crowded record store yesterday.

after biking over the connecticut, through hadley (with a pit stop at a certain air-conditioned natural foods chain), and into amherst on the bike trail i found myself walking around the center of town. that's when i came across the flyer for a show at mystery train records. " tuesday july 15," it read. "6 pm sharp!" it was just after 6...perfect. bands were still setting up when i arrived to familiar faces and the buzz of a pre-sunset, midweek summer rock show. predictably it didn't start until after 6:30, but still giving me time to catch fat worm of error's set before i had to meet thais down the street.

the last time i saw fat worm was when they opened for deerhoof at pearl street a couple years ago. they played much quieter this time which worked well given the setting. i enjoyed their experimental performance even if it was visually obstructed by the towering thurston moore who intermitently flipped through the surrounding records while bopping his head to the music. we returned to the show later but it was a little too hot and stuffy to stick around so we walked past emily dickinson's house and back.

i got back on my bike well after the sun went down and fearlessly plowed through route 9 toward northampton. reasonably well-lit by all of its gas stations and strip malls, the road only fucked with me once as i skidded through a small patch of soft dirt on one darkened strip. i returned home sweaty and exhausted with no desire to socialize or dance. but i felt good.

superheroes against the elements

the hazy sun was setting as i sat on my back porch in my underwear, eating mac & cheese. it was then that i noticed the plot of land--adjacent to the dumpster below--that would make the perfect guerilla garden. come plant seeds with me. we'll feed the whole town and the absentee landlord will never notice.

the map on my wall takes on a whole new meaning upon discovering that i can reach any point on its surface with my bike. the town boundaries, even the mighty river and mountain ranges don't look so scary anymore. but then i wake up in a cold sweat to the sound of cars driving through the rainy street. and i'm freaked out. the summer's first bike ride in the rain, or do i wait for the fucking bus?

i face my fear, dry pair of pants tucked in my bag next to cd's and the newest issue of doris. i arrive at the radio station 10 minutes late, but am welcomed by my own voice on the speakers reading an essay embracing failure in a society obsessed with success. and overcoming fear.

come ride with me in the rain.

triumphant

it's hard to wrap my mind around the synchronicity of the past 12 hours. as i biked to work underneath angry summer clouds yesterday afternoon i had pretty much give up any hope of finding a late night ride to brattleboro for the end of the show. at that point it seemed implausible. but by 7:00, after a few phone calls to/from my newest friend i still hadn't met, i had a ride! it was actually going to happen! we closed up quick and early and i raced home after locking up the cafe, my mischief brew t-shirt drenched in sweat as i walked in the door. lisette came over with cassie to hang out and get to know each other a bit before we hit the interstate. diane entertained us and concocted some fuel for our trip north. after parting ways with cassie we hit the road with nonstop conversation about our mutual friend in boston over her perfect mix cd featuring every song i had listened to earlier in the day.

we pulled into brattleboro and i didn't have to climb through jen's window, as her second wind kicked in just before midnight. we successfully bumped into each other amidst legions of crusty traveler kids spilled out onto eliot street. the bar downstairs boomed, "it's gettin' hot in here so take off all yo' clothes..." little did the booty dancers, emerging for the night from woodwork, vermont, know that it was much hotter in the upstairs tinderbox and people actually were taking off all their clothes!

after the second to last band finished their set, i set out to search for erik petersen. mischief brew was scheduled to play next but he was nowhere to be found. i brought him a copy of the zine, big hands issue 5 1/2--"the chumbawamba issue" as a present. but the zine still remains in my bag.

jen and i returned from our pitstop at the weathervane and guy from brooklyn was getting ready to play announcing, "i'm not erik petersen but i'm gonna do the same thing he would've done...rock out!" or something. the point being, erik wasn't playing. halfway through the replacement headliner's set i confided to jen that, in fact, it was my fault and i would explain it after the show.

there's an punk rock legend that it is bad luck to listen to the band you're going to see the day of the show. i recklessly disregarded this legend and played erik's split with robert blake as i was sweeping the floors and washing dishes earlier in the evening. i even mentioned the risky significance of this act to my coworker. i fucked it all up. my apologies to the disaffected, dog-owning youth of brattleboro and their train-hopping friends from across the states who walked to the squat three doors down disappointed. it was all my fault.

somehow this almost made the experience even better, more romantic. of course, it would've been great to see erik and to sing along with his impassioned anthems with dozens of others who love his music as much as i do. but this was a blemished fairy tale, not a sterile disney-fied one. as we sat on the sidewalk at 2 am, i felt happy to be alive and endlessly entertained by the mingling of crusties from the show and sketchballs from the bar all sneering at the local cops doing laps around the block just waiting for something to happen, anything.

as i bought my bus ticket home, i thought about that bus that i couldn't afford 3 years ago. i thought about the empty feeling i had sitting in forbes library reading about the fest online, bittersweet knowledge of an experience so close by, but so far out of reach. i felt catalyzed, and excited about the fun, new people in my life and the growing potential of adventure summer 2008.

three years later: triumph or tragedy?

three years ago, i moved to northampton from madison. the first month i lived here i wrote a song. the last song, incidentally, i've written:

i woke up today. not knowing where i would be tonight. but i knew where i wanted to be. it was just a question of whether or not i'd get there. so i got out of bed. and grabbed three hardcover books. to sell to a used bookstore. because i'm fucking broke. but ten dollars won't get me across the state line today. now it's 1:24 in the afternoon. and the bus is about to leave without me. i'm stuck in this town. and i won't be rocking out tonight. but i'll do what i can with these precious hours that have been given to me. even if i can't afford the busfare.

it's ridiculous how history repeats itself in such obscure ways sometimes. three years later, i am no longer the new kid in town and have a supportive community of friends. this enables me to be less dependent on bus schedules and even the almighty dollar itself. but bratt fest has returned and, three years later, i am once again stuck in this town singing my favorite bands' songs in my head instead of in front of them at the tinderbox in brattleboro, vt...or maybe not?

my friend erik's mischief brew will be "headlining" friday night and although i am working that night at the cafe he isn't scheduled to play until 1:00 am! maybe i can finally make up for the tragedy of 2005...anyone up for an adventure?

i knew angels who've been dancing with some devils

this summer we will perfect the art of sharing smiles with strangers but not saying hello. that universal gesture which transends language and national boundaries. we'll discover secret swimming spots only reachable by bicycle. adapt our bodies to thriving on 5 or less hours of sleep each night in top-floor apartments on fire. we'll proudly spit on air conditioners that spit on our heads as we walk down the street. our phones will be converted into electronic pipebombs so that when the phone company calls about delinquent payments it will make national headlines. boom.

new people and poverty

this seems like one of those weeks where everyone i know has a different theme. one or more forces shaping their lives in most interesting and sometimes frustrating ways. my themes this week are: meeting new people and dealing with the reality of poverty. there's a couchsurfer from norway waiting for me at the bus station as i write this. travelling in the states this summer she sent me an urgent message last night about escaping new york city, in search for a place to crash in northampton. and then there's joan's friend from boston, who is teaching art in northampton for the summer, is going out tonight dancing.

and i did that terrifying math equation where the totals of checks i wrote didn't quite match up with the balance in my checking account. sigh...i'm just glad that things seem to always work out, especially in the summer.

silverware and the arc of history

"my father worked in this building 80 years ago." my eyes widened, jolted out of the drudgery of a monday afternoon lunch rush. "i was passing through so i figured i would eat where he used to work." the building where i currently work. back in the day the whole building was a silverware factory and the space where the cafe is now was where joe's dad worked. as i made his tofurky sandwich i thought about how history connects people and places, the stories that are buried underneath the floors we walk on everyday. we continue this trajectory as we walk.

"ha! we could use some silverware up in here!" del joked. i thought about what it must have been like to work in the same space 80 years ago.

my boss stopped by to take the money from the cash register and i noticed the temperature in the cafe rising immediately after he fled. sure enough, the bastard turned the air conditioning off again to try to save a few bucks as we sweat balls. with an hour of steamy dishwashing ahead of me i turned it right back on. i thought about joe's father and imagined what his boss was like and the working conditions of a factory in mid-summer before air conditioning. some things never change.

off the radar summer

there's something romantic about being somewhere where nobody else wants to be; places off the radar in any given season. a small alaskan port in the dead of winter, only a bar and gas station open to the fittest survivors. returning to northampton from a week in "vacationland" i realized that this is, in some ways, the summer equivalent: a place that people leave this time of year. this off-season in the pioneer valley began yesterday.

less than an hour out of the car with my grandmother i found myself back at the cafe disoriented, ocean air and sunblock still fresh on my skin. tables full of ugly families adorned the other side of the counter and my fantasy of a quiet, short night seemed threatened. but things began to look up and by 7:30 it was totally dead and we just started closing up. i was home in record time and got to decompress a bit before biking back to florence for a very fun house party where new people came out of the woodwork to properly celebrate.

perhaps summer arrived here at some point while i was away, as thunderstorm after thunderstorm bombed this valley and the population completed its annual evacuation. after no-holds-barred adventure in montreal followed by a week on the beaches of maine with the fam i am back, ready to dig into projects i have been neglecting for months. there's so much potential in this land devoid of tourism. i'm inspired to push myself this summer: long bike rides across state lines, playful danger, spicy food, explosive ideas, soundtracks to indelible moments. all nourished by my sweaty, cramped fourth-floor apartment. the masses have fled but the summer is here. i can taste it.

dispatches from the reunion (part 1)

after 5 years, i've been told, one can no longer defer student loan payments. over $20,ooo dollars in debt now, i am still seeking deferment based on "economic hardship"--5 years after receiving my degree from bard college. it was this day in 2003 that i graduated, which brings me back to annandale-on-hudson ("back to my old school" as fellow bard alumni steely dan once sung), for my first reunion.

reuniting based on shared educational experience can be a pretty strange phenomenon. my friend jared used to fantasize about returning for our high school reunion in a limosine and performing an identity completely at odds with his actual life. reunions are often social magnifine glasses which reduce us to empty soundbytes: "what have you been up to these past 5 years?"
we are restricted in this environment from honestly expressing ourselves.

of course, this is all just heresay as i just arrived on campus and have yet to squirm through any disingenuous intereactions. but i'm prepared.

i'm really glad to be here actually. this is evidenced by the amount of energy and money i spent today getting here. after a couple of potential rides from fellow alumni/ae fell through, i entered the abyss of online transportation options for non-car owners. i replied to craigslist ads for rides to not-so-nearby new york city, calculated unimaginable bus routes between the pioneer valley and this mid-hudson valley, and navigated the foreign terrain of the auto rental economy.

sitting at my desk, unpacked and flustered i was about to jump in the shower and run down to the northampton bus station to catch the 11:25 bus to kingston, ny--via albany (2.5 hour wait) and springfield, ma--when tony called. he offered me a ride to the closest car rental place that offered one way rentals. this gave me a couple more hours to get ready and retrieve my pay check, which i will obviously need this weekend. so now i have this sweet ride until 1:00 pm tomorrow. the only question marks that remain are: where will i sleep tonight (and tomorrow night) and how the hell am i getting home? i'm just glad i made it.

i drove around the campus when i got here. passing the office of financial aid i thought about the pile of overdue notices in my bedroom from sallie mae. i think my experience here was worth it, but now i find myslef at this crossroads and i'm not sure what to do. despite all this, i'm going to have a good time this weekend and party like it's 1999--the year i first arrived here.

"writing in your journal in union square is so high school"

[new york, ny] 4/8/08

27 years old and back in new york for the first time in nearly a year. fresh off the bus/subway, i sit in union square soaking in the fresh air and the sun. the process of adjusting to being in this congested urban environment is difficult, particularly if you're a little out of it from sleep deprivation. the pace of life is on fast forward and, entering into it, you are forced to join a race that is of no use to you. a race in which the destination is undeclared but seemingly important enough to rush millions of people in unison, this park is an island of slow motion where we seek refuge from the race to nowhere. the starkness of my trek through the bowels of times square was interupted by a friendly smile and accompanying eye contact offered by a female around my age. i smiled back and continued smiling for the next minute or so before i settled at the platform to wait for my train downtown...

the emerging spring (part 27)

the snow is finally starting to melt, the days are getting longer, and i am ready for change. this is when i thrive. i've been searching for the focus and motivation to balance all of the parts of my life, all of things that i want to be doing. this year is all about going for it and being more ambitious. i'm starting to get paid to book tours for aid & abet which just blows my mind. jen angel and i are working on workshop proposals for the allied media conference in detroit this summer. for the first time since i've lived in northampton i feel secure financially, putting away tax refunds in my savings account and cutting back one of my shifts at the cafe in order to focus on this tour for independent journalist mark engler's new book how to rule the world.

i had been thinking about going away for the summer but i'm leaning toward staying here and getting shit done. i also need to get new strings for my guitar so i can have that ever-so-important musical release at my finger tips once again. and hopefully conspire musically with some friends this spring/summer.

this past weekend was the first time in probably over a decade that i hung out with both of my siblings (outside of larger family gatherings). paul came to visit from new mexico for 4 days, but has decided to stay and escape a pretty unhealthy situation out there. i hope he can find something better for his life. i had breakfast with him saturday when he got off the bus from new hampshire. right before he left to meet with a friend in springfield for dinner sarah arrived from the cape. we all reunited later in the evening for dancing and pool at diva's. so great to see them both again.

for now, i look toward the emerging spring for inspiration. it's time to get serious and make it happen...

our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate

there's a famous quote (often attributed to nelson mandela) that declares how the primary obstacle that prevents many of us from accomplishing our dreams is not the fear of failure, but the fear that we actually are capable of realizing our wildest desires. that is what is truly holding us back. every now and then i turn towards this idea for inspiration, but i think that my biggest obstacle is lack of self-control.

i just got a beautiful, brand new computer and i'm hoping that i will use this tool wisely, toward realizing my full potential as a writer and thinker and doer. this is such a monstrous challenge for me though. the first days that i have owned this computer have been the story of lack of focus and procrastination. i struggle to resist the bountiful temptations of the world wide web as my deadline for a book review passes by me. even monetary compensation for said review doesn't seem to be enough motivation to get my shit together.

of course, the act of writing all of this is an attempt to get my head straight, to get into the groove of writing, and meditate on these issues that are holding me back from creating amazing things...

year in p/review

so...2007 is just about over. what to say? hmmm....

*finished the passions and survival documentary with mark hillis
*finally quit my job at booklink
*organized a tour for ben dangl's book the price of fire
*went on said book tour for almost 2 months and over a dozen cities
*spent a month in new hampshire "house-sitting" for my mom
*started a booking cooperative with jen angel called aid and abet
*served as a broomsman at jo and dave's wedding
*returned to the midwest for the allied media conference
*stayed unemployed for half of the summer, which sucked
*started working at evolution at the end of july
*organized various fundraisers for valley free radio
*played in against me! cover band called against you!
*played in a misfits cover band called candy apples and razorblades
*wrote some stuff, danced a lot, made trouble, started a bank account
*etc.

looking forward to the potential of a new year.
maybe i'll finally write that fucking book...

library scandals

the public library doesn't open until 1:00 on thursdays. for those of us who don't have immediate internet access, can't afford dvd's at blockbuster video or the latest augusten burroughs memoir at barnes and noble we wait all morning to enter its doors. it meets our needs. or so we hope...

i arrived today at 1:07 to see that every single computer was occupied. i went upstairs to use the bathroom and when i opened the unlocked door i was greeted with a man crouched on the floor with his back turned to me, shouting "whoa!" from the 4 second interaction i deduced that he was shooting up, and apparently needed his fix so desperately that it slipped his mind to lock the fucking door. i left the library immediately, slightly trembling in horror of what i had just witnessed.

i now find myself at the smith college library on a computer that a student forgot to log out on. my gender causes me to stand out as a non-student but no one bothers to confront me. i've been here for two hours now, and it is time to go to work and endure the monthly poetry night at my dead-end cafe job. it's nice to write again....

beyond the grease-traps of everyday life

when i got to work last night my boss was there. this was unusual considering that he normally just rushes in and out once or twice a day to count the money like a capitalist tornado briefly passing through a small village. without even saying hello he commanded, "matt, the grease-trap needs to be cleaned out." for those unfamiliar with this term, the grease-trap is a contraption found in food establishments that collects solids dumped down industrial sink drains. in traditional restaurants and cafes the stench can be so overbearing and putrid that private companies are hired to do the deed. luckily for me, the collected refuse at my workplace is 100% vegan and basically just resembles a digested version of our spicy peanut noodles. this is not to suggest that the act of cleaning it is somehow not disgusting and degrading. it is both of those things. regardless, i sucked it up and filled two and half empty tofu buckets with the slimy, greasy waste that had been festering in the metal box for over a month. i thoroughly washed my hands and approached the rest of my shift with a certain sense of uncharacteristic righteousness. at that point my boss had long sped off in an SUV (one of the two he owns) which dons an "impeach bush" bumper sticker.

one week earlier we nearly ran out of bread at the cafe. right before my boss came in to (unknowingly) deal with this problem two men and a woman sat down. one of the men was eric drooker, one of my favorite political artists who's work we used for countless political campaigns at bard college. one of his prints even made its way to the cover of my senior project. eric, i learned about a month before i started this job, is also my boss' brother--a fact that i was clearly surprised and confused to learn. visiting from california with a lady friend named emma, they sat there with his (and my boss') father. i had met eric at an anarchist bookfair in montreal in may of 2003 just before i graduated, and then again at a similar gathering in san francisco two years later where he gave a brilliant slideshow presentation on a recent trip to the occupied territories of palestine. he smuggled in massive amounts of acrylic paint to create murals with palestinian kids on the apartheid wall built by the state of israel. he sang a poem at the end by his friend allen ginsberg.

so there i was working my low-wage job, thinking about all of these things, the significance of this man's work, the dysfunctional power relations of the cafe, and before i could say hello as they were getting ready to leave my boss asks me, "matt, can you sweep the floor over here?" luckily, eric and emma were sitting by the exit near where i was ordered to sweep and so i brought the broom over there, started sweeping and said hello. i met emma and we all reminisced about these anarchist bookfairs, figured out people that we knew in common and generally connected in a way that transcended the $8 an hour i was being paid. after they left i revisited the larger questions of what i'm doing with my life, and the importance of being around radical people doing inspiring, challenging projects. in that moment i was torn in half, my body remaining inside the cafe while my heart and brain migrated beyond this space of hierarchy, brooms, and grease-traps.

i want to be what you want me to be

it's interesting to look back on what i was doing a year ago. i spent most of last year organizing a national music festival for the now-defunct clamor magazine. i remember waking up in that tiny bed the next morning content, and remembering that it was the national day against police brutality. when i was in college i would observe "the criminalization of a generation" by wearing black.

sometimes i feel like i haven't done anything since bard college, as if the past 4 1/2 years have been a waste of time and then i think of things like the clamor music festival or traveling across the country and it helps put things into perspective. i guess i "haven't done anything" in the sense that i've been deferring my student loans (due to "economic hardship") and have yet to earn a living wage or secure health insurance. but i am reminded that there's more to life than all of this. there are other indicators of success and happiness.

i think about how much my life has changed since we were last together. the last time i was really together with anyone. the details are being censored in this limited space, but the importance lies in the general fact that i am a different person now in so many ways. this crosses my mind as i place a one hundred dollar bill inside the book about 69 love songs album. i hope you check page 69. i hope it crosses the border safely and that you're able to exchange the currency. but i'm not helping you out. i'm just indebted to the weight of the past.

book dating

i have been known to compare the reading of books with romantic relationships. the term "book slut" refers to avid readers or people who read little pieces here and there of several books at a time. i prefer the term "literary nonmonogamy." toward the end of the summer i started reading a book that my friend ben dangl sent me called remembering tomorrow. it's a new memoir by activist, theorist, and z magazine founder, michael albert. the subtitle is from sds to life after capitalism, as the book chronicles his experiences from the 60's antiwar movement at MIT through the current era of world social forums. i enjoyed the book for the most part, but it started dragging on as i would only read a chapter or two every couple days. after over a month of this, and with 100 pages still to go, i decided to abandon the "relationship" and begin anew.

i had purchased rebecca solnit's new book storming the gates of paradise about a month ago at broadside books in northampton. the beautiful hardcover edition that they had on the shelf had been severly water-damaged so i convinced them to give me a hefty discount. simply reading solnit's introduction was a refreshing change of pace. she has such a way with words, describing with elegant detail the intersections of politics and the natural environment, culture and history. here's a taste from the intro entitled, "prisons and paradises:"

There's a widespread belief...that idealists should not enjoy any pleasure denied to others, that beauty, sensuality, delight all ought to be stalled behind some dam that only the imagined revolution will break. This schism creates, as the alternative to a life of selfless devotion, a life of flight from engagment...But change is not always by revolution; the deprived don't generally wish most that the rest of us would join them; and a passion for justice and pleasure in small things are not incompatible.

i want to read as much of this book as i can, maybe reading others here and there along the way. keep things open, try to learn as much as i can. any suggestions?

things are looking up

summer is still here even though the leaves are shedding and changing colors. i'm excited about this weekend: punk rock movie night and sleepover friday! the mountain goats and lots of friends saturday! and the premiere screening of passions and survival, the film sunday! it's all so exciting. plus...i'm finally getting over my allergies, i think. so i'm feeling much better. oh, and did i mention that we finally got internet in my apartment?! although, that could be a good or bad development. i'll keep you posted on that one...

sickness and cleansing

i got sick thursday night. i hadn't experienced that kind of illness since i was a little kid, honestly. i still don't know if it was food poisoning (from the vegan cafe i work at!) or if it was just a 24 hour bug or something. regardless, it sucked. i had to call in to work friday as i spent most of the day in bed recovering.

in a weird way, i think i kind of needed that to put things into perspective--to confront and reassess my own mortality. i'm still not 100% as i am coughing and sniffling (allergies?) as i was before the flu hit, but i think i've begun a process of cleansing that my body clearly wanted. so, only clean living for me these days...it's a new era.

against you!

last month someone told me that against me! was scheduled to play northampton in september. five years ago i would have been ecstatic to see them play, as they became one of my favorite bands upon first listen. in fact, i did go to one of their shows in october of 2002 at abc no rio in nyc. it was amazing. unfortunately, they are a much different band now.

thursday night's show was part of a tour to support their major label debut no wave. i had an idea to gather some friends outside the show and do some covers of their old songs as everyone was pouring out of the club. we would sing:

we want a band that plays loud and hard every night
and doesn't care how many people are counted at the door
who will travel one million miles
and ask for nothing but a plate of food and a place to rest

i was scheduled to work thursday night. if i had gotten a free ticket i would've tried to get the night off but i didn't really try. i wanted to make fliers for the against you! performance but i never got around to it and all the people who were down with the idea couldn't make it. as i biked home from work jocelyn called from the show. the song was inaudible as i sped down the hill from florence but it was definitely against me! playing.

i biked down there as everyone was getting out and i wish i had my fucking guitar. the drummer, warren oakes, was signing autographs and hugging extremely cliched-looking punk girls in front of the ginormous tour bus. i thought about the kid who was hitchiking from gainesville earlier this summer and how warren was the first boy he had ever kissed. i just stood there dumbfounded, yearning to share the moment with someone who could understand. i called nick albertson who used to sing along to their old songs with me when we were at bard college. he lives in portland now but was in new york for a few days when i called. i described the situation and wished that he was there, on top of the tour bus with me singing:

who strike chords that cut like a knife
mean so much more than t-shirts or ticket stubs
and will stop nothing short of a massacre
and everyone will leave with the memory
that there's no place else in the world
and this is where they've always belonged

i returned to that same spot, across from pearl street, the following day to retrieve my bike that i had left there over night. it was gone. actually, it wasn't even my bike. it was emily's and she was loaning it to me indefinitely so i could commute to work.

ready for some action

i spend a lot of time talking. "i really want to do this...i hope this happens...wouldn't it be awesome if...?" talking about ideas is obviously not a bad thing, but so often it never goes beyond that, as if articulating the desire to do something will magically accomplish that act. it doesn't work that way though. i'm ready for some action. and that's what this time of year has always been about for me...

when i was at bard i would spend most of each summer bouncing around ideas of things i wanted to do when i returned to school. from starting a band to clandestine political actions, i would brainstorm and converse with co-conspirators and then we would make it happen when the leaves started changing. it still feels like summer now but there's a new buzz in the air that i hope will inspire action. are you in?

21st century digital blah

the week's not even over yet and i've already lost my phone twice. until tuesday this had never happened to me before. it's such a strange 21st century phenomenon that we carry around dozens and dozens of phone numbers in a small device, information that is vital to our social wellbeing and communicational livelihood. we don't memorize these numbers anymore. i don't know my own mother's phone number. it's crazy. luckily i found it both times, the next day. phew...

my grandmother is turning 84 years old tomorrow. evolution is closed all weekend so i'll be able to celebrate at her house in westfield. i think i'm going to go back to new hampshire with my mom afterwards and spend the weekend up there, unless i can find a way to burlington. i think i need a little breathing room from this valley that is beginning to fill up with 18 to 22 year old bodies again. sigh...

embracing change and mutual aid

you can feel the air changing on the streets of northampton as calendars prepare to turn to september. some mourn the end of summer, while others embrace the potentiality of fall.

yesterday, cirilia finished moving her things out of my apartment just as mike and jenn began moving there stuff in. i rearranged my room in anticipation of the couchsurfers who were arriving by bus in the afternoon. i now have sailor's amazing bed in the windowed nook, while the futon now lives across the room on the other side of my desk. it feels much cozier now.

valerie contacted me nearly a month ago through couchsurfing.com, explaining that she would be travelling from colorado with her daughter sofia who is starting at smith college and that they would need a place to crash the night of the 27th. how cool is that? i enjoyed showing them around northampton and smith campus. they came to erika's soy party and received a very informative orientation of the five college area from kelley and amelia (who brought some pretty amazing spicy peanut noodles with tofu, i must add!). sofia learned to never attend frat parties at umass or drink northampton water without a filter. i think she'll do well here even without the fake id valerie wanted to get her.

i was able to say goodbye to them this morning when i returned from holyoke. they were sincerely grateful for the hospitality and valerie offered me a photo her boyfriend took and a giftcard to the local healthfood store. ah, mutual aid...this is what i live for.

ready for it

the summer is beginning to feel like a distant memory even though it's hot again today. i think i'm ready to change things in my life. maybe try to settle down a bit. i never got around to answering those questions for the ak press job. the idea of moving to california just isn't that appealing to me right now. perhaps i'll feel differently about the situation come january.

being back on cape cod was nice, even if it was just for a couple days. it was great to see jared again and to rock out to east coast tremors at the beachcomber. i like going back but i feel so removed from the cape especially now that my mom lives in new hampshire.

now i'm back in northampton, my home. it feels right--for now.
i'm ready for the possibilities of the fall...

crazy day (chapter 2)

i called to erika to see if she was still looking for a place to live for september. she told me that she's moving into liz's old apartment on pleasant street with kate who was subletting my room from me march-may. good to know. the search has begun...

we hadn't hung out in a while so erika and i made plans to get dinner in amherst. i told her about all the crazy shit that was happening. i wanted to call my stepmother, who's an astrologer, to see if something out of the ordinary was happening with the stars or something. i was convinced that our trip to amherst would bring about something ridiculous like a run-in with my ex, and i was ready for all of it!

strange things did happen. it's almost too much to explain, really. i found myself running down south pleasant street in search of a special person who had just messaged me from outside of antonio's. on the way, i ran into leah and ned. "today's is so crazy! where are you guys going? freshside? my friend is waiting for me there so i'll see you in 10 minutes!" hugs outside of bueno y sano before running back for a much needed dinner. i think i ran into every person i know at freshside. the guy who gave me the bike that broke earlier in the day walked by and i ran outside to talk to him. all the dots were connecting. the ice coffee i drank at work was making me a little loopy on top of everything. i was also starving. we waited in the sweaty dining room forever until our food finally came. i inhaled a heaping plate of vegan pad thai and felt a little more stabilized. then we went on a shopping spree at newbury comics. what's going to happening next? i was up for anything.

not much else happened. i did convinced erika to stop by whole foods so i could visit my crush that works in the front end. it was about 9:30 at this point and pretty dead there. i had seen my other paralyzing crush at work earlier and it was all coming full circle. a crazy day, indeed. i went home and finished my mango flavored water, called christa, and listened to the new shellac album. i needed to stay in, take a deep breath, and let my body slow down. the day was over.

crazy day (chapter one)

yesterday was crazy. i'm not even quite sure where to begin, but to say that something larger than me was at work. a force beyond my control. it started in the morning when i received an e-mail from ak press informing me that i have moved on to the second round of their application process:

"We have narrowed our pool of applicants to a smaller group...of which you are a part."

so...good news. i just need to respond to a slightly intimdating list of questions which includes an explanation of my interest in anarchism. gulp....then if they like my answers i'll be contacted for an interview, at which point i can begin stressing out about whether i should move to california.

after checking my e-mail i rode my bike to work in the oppressive heat, arriving just in time to start my shift. my first hour on the clock was also the last hour at evolution for my coworker who just happened to be hired at food for thought books last month. they hired her instead of me and now i was sort of replacing her at my new job. coincidental, no? i learned all of this the day before when i saw her at food for thought. now here we were working together for an hour. while washing dishes i told her about the e-mail from ak press. "what is ak press?" she responded. fuck.

but the craziness hadn't even begun.

biking home from work on the bike trail between florence and northampton i thought about how i should get a new, more reliable bike that fits me better. the one i've been riding for past couple weeks was from the pedal people bike lab. it's pretty rickety, thoroughly rusted, and junior sized. the bike trail ends and morphs into state street which leads directly to my building. just before i reached the intersection with main street my subpar bicycle responded to my thoughts of its inadaquacy. the chain broke in half and i just glided for about 20 feet. i stopped, got off the bike and carried it to the metal fence in front of the church and laid it to rest. i grabbed the lock and walked the rest of the way home.

when i reached my apartment there was a couple of text messages waiting for me inside my phone. one was from my roommate informing that she has decided, after much deliberation, to move back to amherst at the end of the month. this was a possibility ever since she moved in so it wasn't a shocking surprise or anything. but now it was urgently official: i need to find a new roommate in less than a month.

to be continued...

refreshed

my head feels rested now. ah...i desperately needed to get away for a few days. now i'm back and i feel good, ready to take on the world at all angles (now that i have the mental/physical strength that requires).

i escaped to new hampshire after an adventure tuesday night at the pirate's ball with christa and leslie. despite my strong aversion to being one with the goths, i always have fun getting in costume and performing as if it's a weekly halloween you can just join whenever you're up for it. usually about twice a year, as it turns out.

i was the designated driver, as we headed back after the festivities were over. it's always sort of liberating to leave, especially when i haven't left this town in so long. and i really needed to this time! i ended up staying at my mom's house for a couple days, taking the bus back today in time for work.

august is almost here and i can feel a new era beginning...

abandoning dumb ideas

right before the storm hit northampton yesterday afternoon i walked away from an emotional storm with the conclusion that i had to leave town by the end of the month. it was just one more thing on top of everything else. i devised a plan to move down to the cape for the rest of the summer, live at my father's house, and try to get my old job back at the orleans whole food store. then i wouldn't have to pay rent again and could just focus on finding something better for the fall.

luckily, i thought that plan through before i called my dad. now i don't have to rush to find someone to move into my room in the next 14 days, abandon my responsibilities with the radio station, and have to leave all my amazing friends here. instead, i found a job.

tomorrow is my first day training at the evolution cafe in florence. ah, back to work...

getting it together

so, i finally got my shit together and applied for the position at ak press today.

leaving western mass is beginning to make more and more sense each day. we'll see what happens...

home sweet home?

when i was leaving ocean park with my grandmother saturday morning we drove by a carwash that was blaring "home sweet home" by motley crue. i smiled. after a lovely week-long vacation i was strangely excited about returning "home" to northampton. i was more excited about being back with my friends than confronting my overdue rent, unemployment and related financial hardship.

i attended two birthday parties during my weekend of return. they both served well as an escape but also as a space to connect with other people in this area who are somehow making it work. i found, however, that most decent, rewarding jobs in the valley are mostly found on the periphery and are only accessible by those who can drive to westfield, whately, east longmeadow, etc.

i think i'd rather live in oakland and ride my bike to work.

vacationland

i'm in maine for the week on vacation with my family. we've done this every summer of my life so it's nice to be back and share more memories.

it's also nice to avoid reality for another week.

addendum

shit. i guess i should start looking for cheap apartments in the bay area...

Thank you so much for applying to be part of our collective. We’re sorry to say that we won’t be requesting an interview with you. We received an incredible stack of resumes and we’re sad that we can’t hire everyone. We are flattered, overwhelmed in fact, by the exceptional group of people who applied for this position. Please know that it was a very difficult decision.

In case it interests you, we will be hiring again in the spring of 2008. Please apply again then, if you’re inclined.

Thanks again,
Erika, Joan, Matthew, and Mitch
--------------------------------------------------------
Food for Thought Books
106 N. Pleasant Street Amherst, MA 01002
(413)253-5432 (phone)(413) 256-8329 (fax)www.foodforthoughtbooks.com

the dialectics of living in northampton

somewhere sympathy is more than just a way of leaving.
somewhere someone says 'i'm sorry.'
someone's making plans to stay.
-the weakerthans

negative/leave
walking down main street yesterday i had an old song in my head. it was by a local cape cod band i liked in 8th grade called cheesewheel: "why am i here?/what have i done?/why am i the only one?" the angsty bridge of their classic "chicken statutory" asks. i used to ask myself these questions a lot when i first moved to northampton. unlike most other people my age, i did not move here to attend school. so what the fuck am i doing here? i've come to peace with all of this recently as i continue to lay down roots after two years, but i've been putting my current situation into perspective as i walk the streets, as i brush my teeth:

*i am unemployed but living in an overpriced apartment.
*two of my closest friends here just moved away, beyond western mass.
*the one thing i am invested in here is a dysfuntional, volunteer-run organization that is facing a financial crisis and a lawsuit.
*i haven't been inspired to write a song since the month i moved here, two years ago.
*it's hard to avoid drama in a small town, other than staying in alone every night.
*the local, bookstore collective hasn't called me back about doing an interview.
*ak press is hiring for their collective in oakland, ca.
*i spent an hour yesterday filling out a 210 question "personality test" at the local whole foods.
*have i mentioned that i am unemployed and am living in an overpriced apartment?

positive/stay
after spending a weekend in detroit i am reminded of how nice northampton is. problematic, culturally homogeneous, and limiting in many ways...but nice. a comfortable, safe place to live with a thriving pedestrian-friendly town center. where corporate chains go out of business and are replaced by locally-owned pizza parlors and coffeeshops. where anyone can sell art or sing their hearts out on the street and i can go out dancing almost any night of the week for free, and freely dance the way i want without being harassed or beat up.

i sit here in the town's beautiful public library, working on a new equation of hope and action. some say that hope prevents action because it removes our agency, putting faith in some higher power. others say that action is not possible without hope. sometimes i think i'm hopelessly hopeful. some may say i'm naive. i think we need a vision for what is possible and then do the work to make it happen, both in our daily lives and in the bigger-picture sense too. begin at start:

*i have an incredible new roommate that practices what she learned in communication studies.
*there are lots of amazing people, many close friends here, and i meet new ones all the time.
*it's summer and the possibility for adventure is infinite.
*i don't need to depend on geography for the work i love to do, just a good desk.
*there are potential musical conspirators emerging from the woodwork.
*i have a new bike.
*valley free radio has begun a new era.
*not working is amazing and our apartment is half the cost of a smaller space in new york.

well, come on and let me know...

a check

june is almost over and i need a reality check. i don't want to live in a society where people have to pay to live in their homes. but for now, i do. and for now, i have to pay too. the problem is that i haven't been working so there's no surplus income to filter from an employer to a landlord. there's nothing there. i've been living back in my apartment since the first of the month in denial of this looming crisis. i can pretend that i am free all i want, but that doesn't making living in the current society free. i can joyously live for pleasure every single day, but when the end of the month arrives i am expected to pay up. like a slap in the face, a cold shower, or a wet willy penetrating my ear canal: i am harshly reminded that the rent is due.

time without work is a blessing and a curse. even those who "love their jobs" usually want nothing more than a break from the routine. we all crave this 'free time' in a society of unfreedom. but to truly enjoy this time is an overwhelming challenge. even for those of who have an analysis of the work ethic and all of its trappings, we tend to take this moment for granted and can never overcome the economics of anxiety. and then in desperation our analysis is set aside, our standards deterioriate, and we submit to selling our bodies and our time. simply to live. simply to stay alive. well, maybe it's not so simple.

june is almost over. and i need a check. help.

i apologize for abandoning you for so long

is anybody out there?

i'm doing pretty well. haven't been feeling the blog thing lately.
summer just ended tonight.

secret week, part II

still in madison. getting ready to leave soon though. just found a ride to minneapolis next wednesday which is exciting. tonight i start crashing at lothlorien co-op. meredith and i volunteered to be in extras for a movie that was being filmed in madison last night. it was awesome. we were part of an angry mob of pirates. afterwards we received "lunch" (at 1:00 am!) with the rest of cast and extras and were invited to a bon fire party today as well. we're down for whatever.

i'm thinking about returning to northampton before the allied media conference but i'm not sure if it's a good idea, logistically and financially. it's nice though to have the freedom to change plans and just go with the flow. choosing my own adventure along the way.

the summer is here and i'm soaking it up.

the secret week

i've been in madison for a week now and it's still nice to be back. earlier last week meredith and i kept making references to going to minneapolis next weekend. after a couple days of this i realized that there's a secret week in between the end of may and the beginning of july and that it is actually the following weekend that we will be going up to sexy spring! a secret, extra week! so we need to make the most of it.

in the uw library now trying to get work done on the clamor music fest and an interview i need to transcribe for my passions and survival project. so distracted though...

woke up this morning with that song "land down under" by men at work in my head. it would be a crazy thing to do but australia's summer does begin right when it starts to get cold here. hmmm...

you better take cover

back in madison

after a long journey i made it here yesterday morning. it's great to be back and the weather is beautiful. i'm looking forward to seeing all my friends again and all the fun that awaits this adventure...

the outcome's not so clear

a lot is happening and it's finally setting in that i'm leaving for the midwest next week. spring is in full bloom but the incessant rain has extinguished much of the springtime buzz. i can't even remember the last time i saw the fucking sun. but it's not terrible. so, updates...

*gave my notice at the bookstore but might be able to return after my travels
*didn't get the job with the newstandard but will freelance for them
*found a ride to the edge of the midwest and will bus to madison from there
*excited about all the fun happenings in madison when i arrive
*starting to get serious about coordinating the clamor music fest
*can't stop listening to the new defiance, ohio album
*already miss riding bikes everyday with my roomate dave

calling old friends to make sure they're real,
talking, talking just to feel that sense of home
you lost when you left last year.
distance is just numbers on a dashboard,
hours thinking about nothing
but the transmission stutter you fear.

i remember what you whispered in my ear,
and all the things we tried so hard
to never have to hear,
like kids tighten up,
start saving for the golden year.
well, hey, that picture it fades day by day
and the outcome's not so clear.

looking ahead

it's almost may and i can't stop thinking about the midwest. i'm planning on spending the month of june out there. visiting my friends in madison before heading up to sexy spring and then back through on the way towards the allied media conference. it's going to be a very exciting adventure. i just need to figure out how i'm getting out there and everything.

still waiting to hear back from the new standard. this could be a really amazing job if i get it. i'm a little nervous that it actually will work out. we'll see what happens...

what these cryptic symbols mean

when the seasons change it's really important to have a new soundtrack to accompany the transformation. lately, i can't stop listening to the mountain goats' album we shall all be healed. it's the perfect music right now--in this particular moment in my life. and i know that when i listen to it again next winter i will taste springtime. i will return to this beautiful day, riding my bike through the woods with the sun warm on my skin. and i'll think of the people in my life right now. the ones that are keeping me inspired and alive. i love you all.

when the last days come
we shall see visions
more vivid than sunsets
brighter than stars

25 years

so much happening. i turned 25 years old this past friday. yes, the golden birthday...a quarter-century of living. crazy, huh? i'm feeling pretty good about it, like being comfortable with the skin i've grown into. i had a nice birthday here with friends. free ice cream sundaes and book readings and a bowling party, karaoke and birthday cake in the wee hours. and receiving sweet birthday messages from people that mean a lot to me was so special. from san francisco to argentina, new york, boston and vermont...i realized that i have a lot of good friend out there and it made me feel good.

the days are longer and we have begun to explore, to relcaim public space and push the limits. the roof of the parking garage was just a beginning. we are emerging from the frozen woodwork and are getting ready for revolution spring. be on your toes. it's happening...

our paths cross again

did i mention that it's officially spring? there's a buzz in the air.

best surprise ever: liz arrived last night unexpectedly from new orleans. so amazing. she's the best. now we just have to convince her to stay here. frrrriends.

now i can put siamese dream back in the cd case and enjoy the spring air.

i can hear it breathing

sometimes i like to look around and try to be conscious of how i got to this particular moment in my life. all of the decisions and variables that led to the present situation--once again with the choose your own adventure analogy. but what's the point of this exercise?, she asks me. it doesn't ever seem to go anywhere. until last night i wouldn't have had an answer, but we had just learned from the wisdom of the zapatistas: as we walk this path we need to maintain an awareness of where we've been, where we are, and where we are going.

where are we going, anyway?

things have been pretty good lately. i've discovered that after enduring and surviving the worst situations i can truly appreciate the smallest things that a lot of people take for granted. my new apartment is still like a palace to me and i feel so grateful to be sharing it with two of the best people i know. likewise, my new job isn't perfect but after doomstar cafe it seems like the best occupation in town. when we adapt to unhealthy conditions the slightest improvements have the potential to transform our lives.

despite the sub-freezing temperatures the days are getting longer and i can begin to hear spring breathing in the distance. it will be nice to soon enjoy the bikeride to the radio station on monday mornings. right now i have to blow on my fingers to prevent them from falling off onto the bike trail. ughhhh...but it will get better soon.

change is afoot. get ready.

we'll set our watches forward like we're just arriving here

so...in the past couple weeks i got a new job, saw some of the best people i know at ncor in dc, had really fun house-warming/dessert party in my fabulous new apartment, started doing a weekly radio show on valley free radio, made some new friends, and a lot more.

is february really almost half way done?

hearts to everyone i miss so dearly. you are all in my dreams...

a new beginning (part III)

it's amazing how drastically one's life can improve in a single week. i'm still unemployed but it's more of a joyous job-free existence. i am now sharing a beautiful new apartment with two of my best friends. i'm so grateful of all of this.

as sailor and i were finishing up filling the u-haul on saturday the mail was delivered to our old house. amongst junk mail and bills was my check from toward freedom for the interview and article i wrote for them! everything has come together smoothly. it really couldn't be any better.

i do miss liz though. i'm glad that she went to new orleans because it's going to be a really great experience for her but it's just weird not having her around. i'm glad that she's been able to call me from down there to let me know what's happening. it sounds so messed up. but her friend leigh is there with her and they're sharing a bunk bed!

i'm looking forward to going down to dc this weekend for ncor. it will be great to see old friends and be back in that vibrant, radical environment again. things are good.

embracing change

i spent last week avoiding reality. then i woke up sunday morning and it all hit me, both physically and emotionally. there is just so much happening right now. jo and liz leaving town indefinitely, searching for a new job, and now moving back to south street. it's all very intense but i am embracing change. it forces me to be more conscious of everything. i'm also finishing up an article for toward freedom that i will be using for my first passions and survival radio show next week. i'm going to finally do it. everything will be fine. i just need to get my shit together and stay motivated...

take this job and shove it

i got fired today.

it's fine though. leaving the cafe, there was this feeling of liberation not sadness. a new beginning not a tragic loss. it sucks that i have to start looking for a new job again and play all those charades but i this is definitely a positive development. i want to keep supporting all my coworkers in their struggle to follow their passions in this brief stepping stone to bigger things. there is something more at our finger tips and we will not be held back...

onward!

feeling better, finally

i'm feeling better and it's nice outside. it almost feels like spring again with the sun out and temps in the 50's. crazy. i'm not as jealous of my friends who are in san francisco this week.

shit is going down at the woodstar. we're getting together tonight to try to change things. i wouldn't call it mutiny but it's exciting that we're starting to organize.

i'm currently day-dreaming about diy summer adventures...

money sickness

i've been sick all year so far. it hit me on new year's day and i haven't been able to shake it off yet. i had to work last night and spent most of the shift blowing my nose and coughing. but i have to work because i have also spent the beginning of 2006 completely broke. the bank reopened january 3rd. that day i cashed my paycheck and after giving my roommates rent money i had a whopping $1 surplus. yes, one dollar.

one.

cough, sneeze. happy new year.

but this is just a bump in the road. i will be getting paid soon for my articles for toward freedom and after a day of rest i should be feeling better tomorrow.

i talked to richard and kate last night. they're trying to get a ride out from milwaukee to go to ncor in february. i can't wait to see those kids again.

this time, this year (part II)

is bigger than us,
and goes on long after we're gone.

another year. looking over a journal entry from new year's day last year i begin to put things into perspective and realize that my optimism and hope in those words didn't exactly pan out. not so say it was a bad year. it's more complex than that. it was just challenging. after an incredible winter adventure of falling in love and throwing myself into the world i returned to madison in february. my stubborn refusal to return to the wage market got me in a lot of financial trouble of which i am still feeling the effects. but half way through the year i moved back to the east coast to begin anew.

northampton has been pretty good to me. i've met some amazing people here and it's been really nice being so close to cape cod, boston, bard, nyc and other northeastern points of interest. i'm starting to feel centered here as i prepare to move back to south street february 1st. this will be good. so like last year, i am beginning 2006 with optimism and hope, but (hopefully) with more wisdom from the mistakes i've made and more potential for greatness...

*still forging ahead with the passions and survival project with articles and interviews in toward freedom and other publications along with an hour long radio show on valley free radio!

*just appointed the coordinator of the 2006 clamor music festival: dozens of benefit shows will take place all over the country sometime this fall and i'm in charge of putting it together!

*diy tour this summer, playing my acoustic punk songs and networking with rad people and making new friends!

*maybe grad school at umass, amherst in the fall to get a masters in labor studies. i could use their resources to write a book on passions and survival!

so yeah, there's a lot of stuff going on. this could be a really amazing year. i wish you all the same...

just like a dream

so much has happened. i can't even comprehend it. but in a good way, like i know i am in the middle of something special and when i look back on this it will be an important chapter of my life.

went back to cape cod for a few days to celebrate x-mas with the fam. it felt like fucking florida the whole time i was there. it was such a relief to have a break from the sub-freezing snow bank of the past month. and i slept a lot.

it's nice to be back here though. all the anticipation and excitement of meeting a new person and getting to know them. all day adventure yesterday and i found myself in places that i never thought i would ever see.

i woke early again today, eager to live. there's no time to waste anymore.

phone calls that remind you that you're alive

just talked to amanda m. on the phone and i everywhere i look i see madison. slowly putting the pieces together of that experience. trying to make sense of it all. those songs that defined a year, buzzing through my head. i miss places and people and smells. i want to visit the isthmus soon.

but it's another winter and i'm here. i feel more centered in the northeast. i want to travel this summer though and play music everywhere and see old friends and make new ones. i've been thinking about going to umass for grad school in the fall, but i'm not sure what function that would play. i don't want to do anything just for the sake of security. i just want to really go for it. as the newest fortune cookie message reads: "don't pursue happiness...create it."

word.

winter arrives forever

things are looking up a bit. i have another interview with clamor this weekend about joining their publishing collective. also, i've been getting involved more with valley free radio--a new community radio station here. i have joined the station's labor collective and have spent the past couple fridays sitting on their "bread and roses" show. soon i will begin producing my own show on passions and survival. i'm pscyhed.

mailed out a couple mixed tapes today too. one to the bitch magazine headquarters and the other to a house in richmond, virginia. "no delivery confirmation necessary," i explained to the postal worker. it was strange mailing non-holiday related things amidst the chaos and insanity of this time of year. but i feel a nice sense of accomplishment and pleasure knowing that next week two of my friends will have good days because of me. the soundtrack to their winter.

"if you want it...take it."

it's been a rough week (or two). every aspect of my life, from work to love to my house, has been challenging. but i'm not ready to give up now. i feel more determined than ever to create change. sometimes it's hard to be inspired when everything's just fine. we take shit for granted and we become bored and unhappy. my life seems to be crashing down on top of me but i am going to stand up and do something about it. here's a list in the spirit of this brilliant message (see title) from the fortune cookie at lunch today:

*write, write, write!
*create music
*self-educate (with others)
*read, read, read!
*appreciate the important people in my life
*dance!
*build new connections
*find empowering paid work
*sell shit
*cook food
*mix-tapes!
*try new things
*travel
*be assertive
*sleep well
*stay active
*be outspoken
*listen to others
*write letters
*bake goodies
*support friends
*push the limits

if you want it...

when i got out of work last night i told liz what happened with my boss. "sometimes i think about coming to visit you there," she told me. "but i don't want to see you like that. i want to see you dancing."

thanks for saving my life...again.

ambition (part IV) and communication

i was just laying around feeling like i had no direction in my life. freaking out.

then jen angel called.

they are looking for another person to join the clamor magazine management collective. i had expressed interest so this was an interview of sorts. it would be a pretty awesome experience. they are speaking with 10 other people so we'll see what happens...
*
i use this space to (ocassionally) express (some) things that are on my mind. i make a point to not provide too much information out of fear that it will replace mutual communication with people in my life that i care about. so, if you're reading this and we haven't met for lunch in a while or if i haven't seen you in a few months or we should probably talk on the phone then it would make me happy if we could do those things together. i probably miss you.

i'm just going to leave

there's too much to say. back at bard college for hannah's senior photography show. such an intense experience, as it always is returning to this place. there are still so many familiar faces; some that make me smile and others that make me want to look away. there's just so much history and social anxiety. but it was great to be back too. to see hannah (and her amazing photos) before she leaves this continent for good. to see the backdrop of the catskill mountains against the hudson river valley. those fucking mountains have so much meaning for me. i realized this today. seeing their beauty before the sun set and then again in a couple of hannah's photos. this is my personal psychogeography. this ridge etched into my consciousness like a dream from another world. or like the back of my left hand.

there's more to say. about my incredible adventure in new york city with liz. about vegetarian restaurants and subway lines and coffee. about diy music and seeing good friends and starting over. about sleeping on floors and busrides and cooking food. and how tragic love is when nothing seems to work out right.

sorry but i can't call you before i leave in the morning.
i just can't do this anymore.

one year later

another thanksgiving has come and gone. it was the first time in three years that i've been in the northeast. i was able to return to the national day of mourning in plymouth. it was really powerful going there with sailor this time since she grew up on the west coast. it gave me a fresh perspective on the whole thing especially after cruising by plimouth plantation and all the rich white people spending their holiday there trying to maintain the mythology.

sometime, as amanda lewis once pointed out, it helps to consult the archives...

here's to another year.

happy motherf-ing birthday, and don't forget i love you.

another bus journey back to cape cod. this time to celebrate both my sister's and mother's birthdays. yes, both scorpios. friday morning we met sarah at the court house in hyannis we she pleaded not guilty to a speeding ticket from the national seashore in april. she still had to pay $100 buy they dropped the fines for not showing up to court after the notice was mailed to her old address. happy birthday, indeed. then we went out for breakfast just before the hearth n' kettle began serving lunch. she listened to the mixtape i made her on the way up to boston that night.

that night jared and i saw the new film about johnny cash, "i walk the line." i enjoyed it. he was expecting the man in black to be a little more wild and crazy and not just the standard drug-addicted rockstar that it portrayed. it was definitely well done. later on we ended up at the sea dog for kareoke night with a few other friends. so fucking weird. after a dozen oldies tunes sung by local oldies i got up there and rocked the house with "99 luftballoons." hell yeah. we moved on to rick's afterward where various nauset high school grads were wasting away. probably spent about a hundred seconds in there. so uncomfortable. i couldn't deal with being there all the time, navigating the cultural emptiness of the cod.

i spent saturday with my mom which was nice. made gramps' special pancakes for breakfast, went to the beach with the dog, made some amazing vegetarian lasagne, and watch part II of "no direction home" the new bob dylan documentary. i felt bad for leaving the morning of her birthday but i had to work at my shitty job. so yeah, i still felt bad but it was really good to spend time with her and i think she was just psyched to have me home.

now i'm back in northampton for a few days then i'll be going to the national day of mourning ceremonies in playmouth thursday before returning to the cape again.

and my friend who was going out to the midwest this week is going in january instead so i'll be able to go see all my madison people then! get ready...

beyond the day to day

strive for something larger, something real for inspiration. bike across the country. fall in love with everyone. learn outside of academic institutions. fire your boss. cook your friends meals. watch the moon rise. send someone a letter. mean it. resist mediocrity. fight boredom. hug your enemies. kiss your friends. sing outloud. laugh. be impatient. make it happen...

runonrunonrun...

this town is too small for anything beyond a whisper and i can't get any time off around thanksgiving so a wisconsin reunion will not take place after all as my boss suggests that the midwest seems like a scary place for a liberal to be but i'm not a fucking liberal and she doesn't understand the radical tradition of participatory democracy in madison and other midwestern towns so i will just stay in the northeast and do my thing with friends and families and birthdays and days of mourning and radio stations and mixtapes and missing people and missed connections and tragic romance and turning over new leaves before the old ones turn on all of us and the meteorological training wheels begin to give way and we learn again what it truly means to be cold.

new era, new hopes

i find myself back in new hampshire where fall is beautiful and bright in its radiant colors. daylight savings and halloween pass and a new moon begins a new era. riding the bus, i read books about working on my day off. i know, i know.

there's a lot of good people in my life right now and things are beginning to make a little more sense again.

i think i'm going to the midwest the week of thanksgiving. perhaps i'll see you there...

live danceable ideas against work

the past week has been the story of live music and inspiring ideas and the ongoing dilemma of working in a capitalist society.

despite the commercial venue and uber-masculine crowd, seeing jello biafra with the melvins was a pretty awesome experience. they played a bunch of old dead kennedys songs and seeing him sing those songs that have been so important to me for the past ten years just made my life make more sense on some level. oh, and they did a wesley willis cover. i kid you not. it ruled.

the following night we had a lovely gathering at my house with food and live music and lots of great people. billed as the "gentle jamboree" it was a fun time for all including some friends that came from out of town for the occassion. that night i returned to pearl street with liz and pooja to see broken social scene play. they rocked the lion's ass. such a good day. and now i have an amazing new mix to listen to non-stop. things are good. :)

on tuesday i went with a couple co-workers to see author and activist jonathan kozol's devasting critque of the apartheid of the the american educational system. he is so passionate about this stuff. it inspired me more than chomsky or zinn the week before. his call for taking serious risks, shaking things up and truly acting out your convictions really struck a chord with me. after taking with kate and vina about how fucked up our work environment is these sentiments made me want to change things there. it was so important and refreshing to commiserate with my fellow workers about the cafe. i have just felt so isolated there and it's good to know that everyone else hates our boss and is dealing with similar stuff too.

last night i saw the glorious mountain goats rock northampton's iron horse hall. another powerful experience. that guy is just such an amazing songwriter. afterwards we biked around the dormant night city singing his songs before crashing the basement dance party. these are the times.

this weekend: salem, then new york. happy halloween!

but it's alright

things are closing in and i feel like there's more drama brewing right now than i have ever experienced before. i am becoming tangled up in the webs that i am weaving myself. but things are still pretty good. there's a lot of cool stuff happening here and it's keeping me going. just this month has seen: noam chomsky, howard zinn, jello biafra, the mountain goats, broken social scene, and others pass through this area.

and fun people visiting and walks through flooded pumpkin patches and farms and vineyards right in my back yard. and i'm excited about the potential for a radio show that i might do interview people from this community about following their passions in a capitalist society. and my bike is finally getting fixed. and halloween is soon. this is good.

7 weeks after the interview...

"Matt: thanks for taking the time to talk with us about the Online Organizer position at Free Press. After careful review of all of the applications for our Online Organizer position we have decided to re-advertise the position. We are seeking candidates with more directly relevant online community organizing work experience and, in particular, candidates who will help diversify our staff.

We wish you the best of luck in your search..."

---
so that's that.

it's more than money could ever buy

we write new birthdays songs to sing to our friends. this is the only present there is: the present.

browsing in a bookstore i learn that all that places i end up living in are considered "latte towns." coffeeshop class struggle every fucking morning. i am not new here, take your bread and leave. my grandmother asks when i will get a job, well, one that's not in a cafe. as if this is really what i want to be doing or that i am content with the wage/rent system that prevents so many of us from doing what we love to do. as if the reason that i don't like working at a cafe is because how it defines my status and how that reflects my family.

so & so he has a job
gets up at a certain time goes to a certain place
takes a lot of pride in his work
it's not what he would choose
just does it for the money...

would if we were all truly in control of our lives? would if we stopped following orders and started following our passions? let's fire our bosses and stop being spectators.

steal a pumpkin from a pumpkin patch.
make someone a mixtape.

may all the old ways die

another month has begun and i find myself, once again, in a new apartment for the fourth time since i moved here in june. this should be more long-term though seeing that the lease runs through may and i have my own room with a door and everything!

so that's good.

a new month presents new possibilites. this is desperately important for me since things have not going so well lately. i need a spark, a new inspiration to get me going again. i just started playing music with some friends so that will be really good. it's amazing how many times music has saved my life. from mixtapes to shows it has the ability to help me transcend the bullshit of everyday life.

as i'm washing dishes at work i have a song in my head that makes me think of you...

the vulnerability of autumn

after much time and effort i finally finished my article for toward freedom about you and the antiwar movement! read it...here.

the seasons are changing and everyone is freaking out. there is a unique vulernability abound when it starts to get colder. we have to equip ourselves with new, warmer clothes that haven't been worn in months. we add extra blankets or maybe find someone to cuddle with. if you don't have a car then all sorts of new challenges arise when you want to go anywhere. this is what it's all about, these urgent moments of transition when you are more aware of your basic needs.

there's more to say but now is not the time. i hope everyone is hanging in there.

a weekend of adventure

i'm tired after an amazing four day adventure. if i had stayed here i would have endured an unremarkable weekend of working--days like any other, emptied into the dustbin of my history. instead...i went down to dc for the national antiwar march there on saturday. before that i surprised various friends in new york city and a fun time there before heading to dc. friday night ben and i took the chinatown bus to baltimore, a city that i had passed through dozens of times but had never set foot in. we stayed there with a friend of ben's that was writing an article about the protest with him for the new standard. we drove right into dc the next morning and met up with tens of thousands people from all over the country to oppose the occupation of iraq. it was pretty awesome.

i left that night with some students from bard college. we got back there around 4 am and then i took a bus back to northampton yesterday just in time to see erik petersen rock out at the flywheel. so many moments packed into one weekend. if i wasn't so tired i would go into it more now, but basically it was really amazing.