i want to be what you want me to be

it's interesting to look back on what i was doing a year ago. i spent most of last year organizing a national music festival for the now-defunct clamor magazine. i remember waking up in that tiny bed the next morning content, and remembering that it was the national day against police brutality. when i was in college i would observe "the criminalization of a generation" by wearing black.

sometimes i feel like i haven't done anything since bard college, as if the past 4 1/2 years have been a waste of time and then i think of things like the clamor music festival or traveling across the country and it helps put things into perspective. i guess i "haven't done anything" in the sense that i've been deferring my student loans (due to "economic hardship") and have yet to earn a living wage or secure health insurance. but i am reminded that there's more to life than all of this. there are other indicators of success and happiness.

i think about how much my life has changed since we were last together. the last time i was really together with anyone. the details are being censored in this limited space, but the importance lies in the general fact that i am a different person now in so many ways. this crosses my mind as i place a one hundred dollar bill inside the book about 69 love songs album. i hope you check page 69. i hope it crosses the border safely and that you're able to exchange the currency. but i'm not helping you out. i'm just indebted to the weight of the past.