the dialectics of living in northampton

somewhere sympathy is more than just a way of leaving.
somewhere someone says 'i'm sorry.'
someone's making plans to stay.
-the weakerthans

negative/leave
walking down main street yesterday i had an old song in my head. it was by a local cape cod band i liked in 8th grade called cheesewheel: "why am i here?/what have i done?/why am i the only one?" the angsty bridge of their classic "chicken statutory" asks. i used to ask myself these questions a lot when i first moved to northampton. unlike most other people my age, i did not move here to attend school. so what the fuck am i doing here? i've come to peace with all of this recently as i continue to lay down roots after two years, but i've been putting my current situation into perspective as i walk the streets, as i brush my teeth:

*i am unemployed but living in an overpriced apartment.
*two of my closest friends here just moved away, beyond western mass.
*the one thing i am invested in here is a dysfuntional, volunteer-run organization that is facing a financial crisis and a lawsuit.
*i haven't been inspired to write a song since the month i moved here, two years ago.
*it's hard to avoid drama in a small town, other than staying in alone every night.
*the local, bookstore collective hasn't called me back about doing an interview.
*ak press is hiring for their collective in oakland, ca.
*i spent an hour yesterday filling out a 210 question "personality test" at the local whole foods.
*have i mentioned that i am unemployed and am living in an overpriced apartment?

positive/stay
after spending a weekend in detroit i am reminded of how nice northampton is. problematic, culturally homogeneous, and limiting in many ways...but nice. a comfortable, safe place to live with a thriving pedestrian-friendly town center. where corporate chains go out of business and are replaced by locally-owned pizza parlors and coffeeshops. where anyone can sell art or sing their hearts out on the street and i can go out dancing almost any night of the week for free, and freely dance the way i want without being harassed or beat up.

i sit here in the town's beautiful public library, working on a new equation of hope and action. some say that hope prevents action because it removes our agency, putting faith in some higher power. others say that action is not possible without hope. sometimes i think i'm hopelessly hopeful. some may say i'm naive. i think we need a vision for what is possible and then do the work to make it happen, both in our daily lives and in the bigger-picture sense too. begin at start:

*i have an incredible new roommate that practices what she learned in communication studies.
*there are lots of amazing people, many close friends here, and i meet new ones all the time.
*it's summer and the possibility for adventure is infinite.
*i don't need to depend on geography for the work i love to do, just a good desk.
*there are potential musical conspirators emerging from the woodwork.
*i have a new bike.
*valley free radio has begun a new era.
*not working is amazing and our apartment is half the cost of a smaller space in new york.

well, come on and let me know...