back to the present

it's almost four o'clock pm, central time. i find myself back in madison, wisconsin at a computer in the university library. i am here. i'm back. it is very weird.

i haven't really spoken to anyone since i've been back. got in at midnight on the van galder bus. i walked through the light snow up state street toward the blurry silhouette of the capitol. this was a strange experience.

when i was at bard college last week i was recalling what it felt like to return to campus after a break between semesters. you spend that time away remembering all the good things: your friends, favorite spots, and think about all the stuff you want to do when you get back. but this romanticized version always crumbled upon return. not that those things weren't there, it's just that they were floating around all this other shit that your tried to forget about. like how the first person you would see walking around was that asshole from your first year seminar that you tried to forget about, or biting into an uncooked piece of rice at kline commons. the messy stuff.

this is what was racing through my head as i walked home last night amidst drunken frat-boy-speak and shitty weather. is this the madison that i left two months ago?

when i reached my house i remembed that i had left my key inside. it took 2 rings of the doorbell for one of my 11(?) housemates to wake up and answer the door. "welcome back," jen muttered as she simultaneously opened the door and headed back up the stairs to bed. the kitchen was empty and dark, but i was greeted with lots of mail. some good, some garbage, some bad. since bria bailed on our subletting agreement i now owe friends' co-op over $600. sheeeit. if i don't pay half of this by tomorrow then i will be homeless. that's what the "5 day pay or quit notice" told me as i stood in front of the mailbox cubbies. i guess i need to get a fucking job, huh?

so so long to ten hour shifts and faking sympathies.
farewell to piles of bills, unpayed utilities.
all rolled up and unfurled like a flag.
wake up and pack your bag.

i have no regrets. the past two months has been amazing. i wouldn't trade all of these experiences for the entire planet. how could i have not done this. i had a craving for liberation and it tasted really, really good. and things will work out. this is just a small road bump.

valentine's day is next week. perhaps i could cash in on that weird phenomenon and try to climb out of debt. i could deliver roses or sing acoustic-punk-love-ditties to serenade anonymous crushes across this city. work in the valentine's industry: what a funny idea. i used to really enjoy the mid-winter ritual in elementary school when we would exchange valentines to our classmates and draw that big heart on the most suggestive message to our secret sweetheart. and lots of candy, of course. but by eighth grade things changed. that year, i walked down the hallway with a handmade "valentine's day sucks" sign tapped to my angsty, pubescent chest. now i feel ambivalent about this hallmark-holiday. i miss that magical feeling from elementary school, but i resent being forced to experience it by corporate culture. yeah, it would be hilarious if i got some sort of temporary job related to it though.

*

again, i really haven't talked to anyone here yet. said hi to jen as she turned for the stairs, and this afternoon i asked the girl working at the catacombs if they were still serving pesto pasta for lunch. she said yes. i gave her $3 and told her my name and then said thank you when i recieved my plate. those are the words that i have spoken in person here in the past 16 hours. it's nice to be back though. i'm back.