half a decade later

it's been 5 years since i started writing here. at that time i was living in madison, wisconsin and spent my first thanksgiving alone, away from family. now i am living in philadelphia with a really amazing woman that i love a lot. yesterday we cooked all afternoon with her good friends who are visiting from out of town and appreciated being here and not in transit. i thought about plymouth and the national day of mourning, where i used to go each year. it was nice to speak to my family on the phone and i look forward to seeing them all in one month when i will have almost 2 weeks off of work. today i'm trying to refocus on the work that my full-time job as been distracting me from. there's a list goals for the month of november hanging on our fridge. just a few more days to get it all done!

breaking guitar strings and writing words again

shit. i'm not sure how i went the entire month of october without writing a single word here. i could simplisticly attribute it to this full-time job lifestyle, but there has to be more. i have to take responsibility too. writing is important; it's vital to my mental health. i don't think i can attribute my written silence to an unreliable internet connection either--at least not completely.

there was something about today. it felt like the beginning of a new era, a forging of that balance between self-confidence and self-critique. there was a heightened awareness of where i'm going and what i'm doing. this week, month, year, and beyond.

and now here i am, writing again. hello. it's nice to be back...

the final days of summer

september accelerates. i've developed this new existence where i wake up with the sun each morning and ride my bike into the world of wage labour, alongside cars that still have their headlights on. there's such an unusual comfort in cultivating a daily routine. alarm clocks, endless commentary about the weather, in bed before 11:00 pm. repeat. repeat again...

i struggled to accomodate my bulging to-do-list with this new lifestyle. home by 3:00 each day, but there's a conflict between the lazy desire for relaxation, for post-work leisure with a burning passion to get shit done.

last night i closed all the windows in our beautiful new apartment for the first time. fall creeps in and with it, the urgency to create and live hard.

on a move

today is the first day of september and everything feels different. the air has shifted, a glimpse into cool autumn nights and new beginnings. today, lavange and i are moving in together. when she gets out of work this afternoon we're gonna pick up a moving truck which we'll have for 4 hours. by 7:00 pm tonight we'll be settled in our new apartment. i'm looking forward to the potential of this new space and starting a new chapter here in philly.

a paradise built in hell

the most mundane is always the most existential. what we do each day/what we are doing with our lives. a lyric from a song is scribbled in sharpie on the bathroom wall: "daily life is shit." we are forced to read that over and over again as we, well, shit. hmmm...where is this going?

where are we going? what are we doing?

it's always in the most desperate, seemingly hopeless moments that we reach our most brilliant and life-affirming revelations. disaster brings out the very best in human nature. crisis as a glimpse of utopia...i can't do this anymore. let's pursue what truly matters with reckless abandon, together.

(re)visiting northampton

by the time sunday afternoon arrived i was practically crawling out of my skin, beyond ready to leave. i had seen everyone that i wanted to see. done everything i wanted to do. but i had a couple more hours before meeting my ride. i went under cover at the cafe where nobody else would be. at least nobody that would recognize me, or vice versa. i sipped coffee and hid behind the gorgeous words of valencia, michelle tea's memoir about her early years in san francisco's 1990's dyke underground--generously lent to me by liz diamond, my fabulous weekend host.

so, once we were on 91 heading south toward philly with the windows down and classic rock blaring on the speakers i felt relieved. but also full and content after a mostly lovely weekend in the town i called home for 3 and 1/2 years. every moment between thursday evening and that late afternoon sunday departure was a reminder of either why i stayed as long as i did, or why i'm glad i left. each one a manifestation of this ongoing love/hate relationship. with its culture, streets, buildings, and residents; this complex personal history with a town that's population has consistently remained 30,000 over the past 100 years.

the good and the bad. the paralyzing beauty and alluring ugliness. so much promise and potential. so many limitations and disappointments. i took it all in with a sweaty hug that lasted 3 days. all of it. in those final moments i realized that i had overstayed my welcome and relieved the awkwardness with a bike ride past the medows and the county fairground. i will keep returning, but maybe next time for just 2 days...

grad school revisited/returning to new england

so i've been thinking about grad school a lot lately. it's an idea i have played around with off and on the past 5 years, but i think this time is a little different. being back in school is a lot more appealing right now that working a shitty, just-barely-above-minimum wage job. it's been one week since i got fired from last one of those i had and the timing couldn't have been better. i basically have 4 months to research programs, study for and take standardized tests and apply. it would probably living in philly for the next year (in the apartment that lv and i are about to move into) and then relocate this time next year, probably to nyc. but we'll see!

i've also been thinking about, in the mean time, finding a new shitty (or maybe not so shitty) job and also about visiting northampton...which i'm doing this weekend! looking forward to seeing the good people that still live there and to be back in new england again before the end of the summer. who wants to go swimming?

take me back to the summertime...

growing up, i never wanted summer to end. it was always a magical season of infinite possibility and wonder. back then i didn't have to worry about mundane concerns like securing a wage job, navigating bureaucracies to access basic human needs, or the weight of losing everything. but that part of us never dies. it's what keeps us going; persevering through all the shit that the world offers up now and then.

many years later, there's part of me wants to just wake up on the last day of summer. all of my worries figured out. nothing but promise and potential ahead of me. but there is beauty in struggle. it makes us who we are and gives us appreciation for the good times.

i'm still a little kid. enjoying the summer.

the one thing that i couldn't live without

on the other hand, if i'm not on the lease, have no protection under the law, and the landlord responds to my propsal in a greedy, soul-less, um...oh, like a landlord, then this could end up being one of the worst weeks of my life.

one small victory did occur this morning when i tried to turn my stereo on...it totally works! i will now proceed to turn up the volume, lay on my floor staring at the damaged ceiling, and sing my lungs out to "this year" by the mountain goats.

but you're right. it won't kill me.

rent-free summer rainstorms

in addition to getting fired from my job, another significant event occurred this past week. early friday evening, the final day of july, a violent rainstorm pummeled philadephia while i was at work. by the time i was biking home the sky had cleared, the humidity disappearing into the sunset and puddles along my route home the only evidence of the monsoonesque explosion of just a few hours before.

arriving in my bedroom i was greeted with puddles of water around the open windows, but the windowsills themselves were mysteriously dry. i discovered that my ceiling had leaked directly above my stereo. over a dozen cd's were destroyed. the 5 disc changer that i had possessed since my senior year of college had been murdered by the house's structural damage. the meaning of this incident soon turned itself on its head when i realized the opportunity it presented me. the value of these personal items lost in the storm was about equal to the check i would have soon written towards rent.

instead i wrote a letter to the landlord explaining the situation and, interestingly enough, the day i lost my job he stopped by the house to pick up one less rent check and my letter which he scanned and left on the dining room table. today i plan on mailing it to him. now that i have returned to the financial insecurity of unemployment i feel weirdly grateful for the summer rainstorm and the improperly repaired ceiling for helping to keep me afloat an extra month.

rejoining the unemployed masses, a tragedy in 3 parts

i should be at work right now. instead, i'm at the neighborhood coffeeshop sipping ice coffee. shorts, flip flops, air conditioning, seat by the window. i did bike the 5 miles to my job earlier this afternoon. after clocking in at 12:59 i found myself sitting down next to my boss as he explained to me that he would have to "let me go." what?! fuck.

last week he mentioned that the owner of the store would be coming back to town soon and that i needed to increase the production level of the sandwiches since they're the "pet project" of the big bossman. over the next 3 days i did so, "producing" more sandwiches than i previously had been. when i left sunday, before my 2 days off, the sandwich case was filled to the brim, overflowing.

something else happened sunday that contributed to my termination...as i was wrapping up the sandwiches that afternoon my boss was getting ready to leave, complaining to the other kitchen manager about how stressed out he was. i decided it was clearly a bad time to ask him about taking a few days off at the end of the summer. i left an hour later and just went ahead and wrote in the days i would be out of town on the kitchen staff's calendar. apparently this was a big mistake: "you've already taken time off and the way it works here is that after you've worked for a year you're eligible for a week off." wow. i wish i knew that before i got hired.

oh, and he mentioned the recession a few times.

so obviously there's a lot more to say, but that's what happened today. ironically, i just started working on an article for wiretap about my experiences job-hunting (and eventually getting hired for a low-wage job) in the context of the economic crisis. now i have another chapter to add. hopefully something positive will come out of this.

over the past month...

i have:

-gone on a loooong bike ride with lv...50 miles north to quakertown. then back the next day.

-surprised my sister by showing up to her open studio show at the school of visual arts in nyc. thank you $5 megab*s ticket!

-enjoyed another visit to philly by jen angel.

-taken advantage of my 2 days in a row off. most notably by squeezing in a trip to maine during part of my family's vacation week there. chinatown bus to nyc, then another to boston; followed by the train to old orchard beach. arrived 1:26 am monday, departed at 2:50 pm tuesday. totally worth it.

-continued to work, pay bills.

-celebrated lv's 30th birthday!

-read more than i had been: finally finished "passionate mistakes and intricate corruption of one girl in america" by michelle tea! currently: "where we stand: class matters" by bell hooks.

-volunteered a bunch at the wooden shoe. getting ready for the big move.

-and thought a lot about writing and work for aid & abet. finally getting around to doing it NOW!

first half/second half

today is the last day of june. the final day of the first half of the year. what can i say about these past 6 months? in some ways, it seems like just yesterday that i moved to philadelphia. at the same time it has been a long droning period of struggle with unemployment and lack of direction. and now, all of that is over. this is a new beginning. the rest of the year is ahead of me...

after less than 2 weeks at my new job i received my discount card--20% off everything in the store! i'm starting to get paid too as the anchor slowly drops in the deep ocean of debt and neglected adult responsibilities. soon it will stick and i will be able to move forward, beyond merely catching up.

and i exhale, thinking about tomorrow's opening day of a certain chocolate-themed restaurant chain at 15th and walnut that i will not be working. tomorrow is the first day of the second half of the year. it's my day off and i plan on making the most of it, to start this new era.

double week

yesterday i did a double shift. at essene i felt at home with the smell of natural and organic food and tattooed, smiling co-workers. then over to mb for my final training for a job i will never actually work. leaving the building i confessed to the one person that i liked from the barista crew that it was my last night and that i found another job. this morning i called the bar manager and gave him the bad news. he was surprisingly peppy and just told me to bring my uniform back, which i did after my second training shift at essene. what a strange week. the summer is now about to begin.

ephemeral choco-pops

i called my new boss at the natural food store this morning to see how long my training would last tomorrow. if i was finished before 5:00 i could get paid for at least one more training behind the bar at max brenner before telling them to kiss off. sure enough, he doesn't want me to be there too long on my first day. so after coming in at 11:00 tomorrow morning i should be out by 3:00 or so with plenty of time to breathe, eat, and make it over to 1500 walnut street.

tonight i showed up there at the suggested 15 minutes earlier than scheduled. it started raining before i arrived so i was a little wet after locking up my bike and walking into the building. i said hi to the bar manager, who looked at my wet long sleeve striped shirt and informed me that i was supposed to be wearing my uniform. i reassured him that it was in my bag and that i would go change into hit. walking to the bathroom i exhaled and felt the relief of the temporary nature of this ridiculous situation.

i joined my fellow choco-men and women after punching in and spent the next 4 hours learning how things work behind the chocolate bar. we did get to taste some of the hot chocolates which was nice, but the whole experience was pretty surreal for me. knowing that i really don't need to absorb any of this information, that it's all pretty meaningless, i vaguely paid attention just to prevent boredom.

all 9 of us trainees cleaned and closed up the whole thing, bumping into each other and squirming for direction from the trainers brought in from the union square restaurant in new york. by quarter to 9:00 we were done. before we left the general manager had us meet him in the basement office where he handed each of us paychecks for our 2 hour orientation we had to sit through last month. a whopping $12.05!

it was still raining outside when i was reunited with my bike. this week can't be over soon enough.

sandwich-maker vs. "chocoman"

okay. so, i went to the first training at max brenner last night and it was pretty ridiculous. fortunately i will be getting paid for the 3 hours that i endured. max himself (the mystical chocolatier/cult-leader) graced us with his presence, sharing with us the story of how this all came to be--his ascent from an aspiring romance novelist in israel to the ceo of an international restaurant group. surely, if he had touched all of our foreheads we would have collapsed to the floor. instead we all just sat there, all 150 of us who were hired to work at this brand new center city establishment, obediently listening to every word. laughing at every joke.

there's really too much to say about what happened last night. the main headline is: because of a "gas issue" mb will not be opening for business until july 1st. however, they calmly reassured us that they would keep us busy until then with various trainings and even make it fun for us! whoopee.

i received my uniform before leaving at 8:00 pm: 2 medium-sized brown t-shirts with a drawing of max's head on the left arm and the phrase: "chocolate is good for you" in big colorful letters on the back; a brown apron with one pocket and "100% pure max" scrawled at a dramatic angle across it; and finally, a brown beanie (which one of my fellow baristas pointed out, "is not fashionable and, rather, resembles a horseshoe crab") which ties in the back and features the word "chocoman" on the front. of course, the female-identified barista's hats are labeled "chocowoman." fucking hell.

in addition to the opening day being delayed until "july one," they granted us with today off, along with saturday and sunday to celebrate father's day weekend. this is all good news.

the experience actually wasn't terrible, but it did make me desire the natural food store job even more. this morning, after finishing up a coffee date with local radical historian dan berger, i received a voicemail message from the kitchen manager that had interviewed me yesterday afternoon: "we want to bring you on."(!!!)

i called back and chatted with him for a minute and he asked me to come in thursday to start training. great! the whole cafe is vegan, the people seem really cool, and the only weird thing is that i am expected to bring my own knife to cut the sandwiches....but no uniform! just can't wear open-toed shoes or tank tops. no problem.

SO. i'm still gonna go in for another day of training at mb tomorrow since i'll get paid for it. i mean, what do i have to lose? then on thursday i'll give the bar manager the bad news and my address to mail the check. word. looks like things are gonna work out okay this summer afterall!

early summer job chronicles (continued)

it's unusual that the middle of a month could contain so much upheaval, moments of transition and starting over. today is the 15th and over the past few days the world has been turned upside down and shaken up; mostly for the best.

on friday night lv's roommate and bf ollie began to move out of their 2 bedroom apartment. the living room was filled with boxes filled with (most of the) kitchen items and all the large furniture ready to be moved across town the following day, along with her amazing dog marmalade and cat, estelle.

late that night a car parked across the street from my house (where my least-friendly housemate had moved out of for the summer the day before) containing 3 good friends that i missed a lot. it was so great to see liz, david, and michelle again. l & d were on their way to new orleans where they are moving for liz to begin her librarian career. they picked up michelle in nyc on their way to philly and at 2:30 am they all settled into my bedroom to sleep after a long day of travel.

also, last week i applied for a job at a local natural/organic grocery store that's near south street. they had posted an ad on craigslist the day before for a sandwich-maker and i figured that if they hired me it would be vastly superior to the corporate chocolate culture of m*x brenner that i would begin training for this week.

and that brings me to today. i just had an interview for that job and it went really well. if they call me back in a couple days offering it to me than i can kiss the bald man goodbye forever. although tonight i am going in to begin my week of training. luckily i will get paid for it and i have this plan to finish the training but not work when the restaurant opens for business next week. crossing my fingers!

stay tuned...

a new, new beginning

from this moment on we will remind ourselves of the things that are good for us and pursue them with wild abandon. they are our fuel, our lifeline. the other shit, those pesky (and yes, alluring) speedbumps on our road to happiness will be rejected and ignored. from now on. let's remind each other of this. let's talk more often. the only thing that can really hold us back now is our own self-doubt. a new summer is on the horizon and anything--everything--is possible.

into the atmosphere

i feel like i've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, but i'm not really sure what to write about. in this moment of transition and upheaval i remain in the same place i've been since january, struggling for direction and inspiration. i'm in this weird in between point though where i'm still looking for a job but have this weird one that will be starting soon. i had another interview with prometheus last week where the entire staff collective asked me questions. so intense. i think it went pretty well, but we'll see what they decide later this week...

i wouldn't have been able to sustain myself here this long without lv's love and support. she has just been so amazing. and now she has been laid off from her full-time job and is battling the bureaucracies of unemployment offices, her dysfunctional agency, and the non-profit job-hunting complex. i hope to support her through all of this. we're gonna make it, together.

adventures in job hunting: part two

after my interview at cigna (did i mention that they were featured in michael moore's movie sicko?), i bought a pretzel from these kids across the street who were trying to raise money for some sort of program for youth. i sat down and breathed in the strange corporate culture that surrounded me in the heart of this urban business zone. then i biked a few blocks down the street to apply for another job. this one was just posted a few days before and it was to work at a restaurant opening here next month.

i had never heard of max brenner (mb) or its "chocolate by the bald man" before, but i soon learned they it is a growing "international restaurant group" and in addition to locations across australia, israel, one in the phillipines and one in singapore, there are two of these chocolate-based concept restaurants in new york city. and now, the company is preparing to spread its "chocolate culture" to philly. um, okay...

the space where it is moving into is right on walnut street amidst a concentration of other high end restaurants and boutiques. i entered the building, signed in, and took the elevator up to the second floor. they had set up a temporary hiring office, sort of assembly line, where they greeted us with a application and clipboard and asked what position we were interested in. people were spilling out of this room and i almost turned around and left as lv was meeting for lunch down the street. but i decided to stay and go through with it.

i came back later and ended up being interviewed, one by one, by each of the various managers of this new establishment and by the end of the afternoon i was filling out tax formers and being welcomed to their weird cultish family as a barista. so i finally got a job! but the feeling was pretty surreal and bittersweet since i wouldn't actually start working for a few weeks when training starts. there's a lot more to say about all of this too. i'm sure it will all come out eventually...

as june's rent starts to loom over my consciousness i still need to figure something out. the challenges continue but whatever happens should be interesting. we'll see.