addendum

shit. i guess i should start looking for cheap apartments in the bay area...

Thank you so much for applying to be part of our collective. We’re sorry to say that we won’t be requesting an interview with you. We received an incredible stack of resumes and we’re sad that we can’t hire everyone. We are flattered, overwhelmed in fact, by the exceptional group of people who applied for this position. Please know that it was a very difficult decision.

In case it interests you, we will be hiring again in the spring of 2008. Please apply again then, if you’re inclined.

Thanks again,
Erika, Joan, Matthew, and Mitch
--------------------------------------------------------
Food for Thought Books
106 N. Pleasant Street Amherst, MA 01002
(413)253-5432 (phone)(413) 256-8329 (fax)www.foodforthoughtbooks.com

the dialectics of living in northampton

somewhere sympathy is more than just a way of leaving.
somewhere someone says 'i'm sorry.'
someone's making plans to stay.
-the weakerthans

negative/leave
walking down main street yesterday i had an old song in my head. it was by a local cape cod band i liked in 8th grade called cheesewheel: "why am i here?/what have i done?/why am i the only one?" the angsty bridge of their classic "chicken statutory" asks. i used to ask myself these questions a lot when i first moved to northampton. unlike most other people my age, i did not move here to attend school. so what the fuck am i doing here? i've come to peace with all of this recently as i continue to lay down roots after two years, but i've been putting my current situation into perspective as i walk the streets, as i brush my teeth:

*i am unemployed but living in an overpriced apartment.
*two of my closest friends here just moved away, beyond western mass.
*the one thing i am invested in here is a dysfuntional, volunteer-run organization that is facing a financial crisis and a lawsuit.
*i haven't been inspired to write a song since the month i moved here, two years ago.
*it's hard to avoid drama in a small town, other than staying in alone every night.
*the local, bookstore collective hasn't called me back about doing an interview.
*ak press is hiring for their collective in oakland, ca.
*i spent an hour yesterday filling out a 210 question "personality test" at the local whole foods.
*have i mentioned that i am unemployed and am living in an overpriced apartment?

positive/stay
after spending a weekend in detroit i am reminded of how nice northampton is. problematic, culturally homogeneous, and limiting in many ways...but nice. a comfortable, safe place to live with a thriving pedestrian-friendly town center. where corporate chains go out of business and are replaced by locally-owned pizza parlors and coffeeshops. where anyone can sell art or sing their hearts out on the street and i can go out dancing almost any night of the week for free, and freely dance the way i want without being harassed or beat up.

i sit here in the town's beautiful public library, working on a new equation of hope and action. some say that hope prevents action because it removes our agency, putting faith in some higher power. others say that action is not possible without hope. sometimes i think i'm hopelessly hopeful. some may say i'm naive. i think we need a vision for what is possible and then do the work to make it happen, both in our daily lives and in the bigger-picture sense too. begin at start:

*i have an incredible new roommate that practices what she learned in communication studies.
*there are lots of amazing people, many close friends here, and i meet new ones all the time.
*it's summer and the possibility for adventure is infinite.
*i don't need to depend on geography for the work i love to do, just a good desk.
*there are potential musical conspirators emerging from the woodwork.
*i have a new bike.
*valley free radio has begun a new era.
*not working is amazing and our apartment is half the cost of a smaller space in new york.

well, come on and let me know...

a check

june is almost over and i need a reality check. i don't want to live in a society where people have to pay to live in their homes. but for now, i do. and for now, i have to pay too. the problem is that i haven't been working so there's no surplus income to filter from an employer to a landlord. there's nothing there. i've been living back in my apartment since the first of the month in denial of this looming crisis. i can pretend that i am free all i want, but that doesn't making living in the current society free. i can joyously live for pleasure every single day, but when the end of the month arrives i am expected to pay up. like a slap in the face, a cold shower, or a wet willy penetrating my ear canal: i am harshly reminded that the rent is due.

time without work is a blessing and a curse. even those who "love their jobs" usually want nothing more than a break from the routine. we all crave this 'free time' in a society of unfreedom. but to truly enjoy this time is an overwhelming challenge. even for those of who have an analysis of the work ethic and all of its trappings, we tend to take this moment for granted and can never overcome the economics of anxiety. and then in desperation our analysis is set aside, our standards deterioriate, and we submit to selling our bodies and our time. simply to live. simply to stay alive. well, maybe it's not so simple.

june is almost over. and i need a check. help.

i apologize for abandoning you for so long

is anybody out there?

i'm doing pretty well. haven't been feeling the blog thing lately.
summer just ended tonight.

secret week, part II

still in madison. getting ready to leave soon though. just found a ride to minneapolis next wednesday which is exciting. tonight i start crashing at lothlorien co-op. meredith and i volunteered to be in extras for a movie that was being filmed in madison last night. it was awesome. we were part of an angry mob of pirates. afterwards we received "lunch" (at 1:00 am!) with the rest of cast and extras and were invited to a bon fire party today as well. we're down for whatever.

i'm thinking about returning to northampton before the allied media conference but i'm not sure if it's a good idea, logistically and financially. it's nice though to have the freedom to change plans and just go with the flow. choosing my own adventure along the way.

the summer is here and i'm soaking it up.

the secret week

i've been in madison for a week now and it's still nice to be back. earlier last week meredith and i kept making references to going to minneapolis next weekend. after a couple days of this i realized that there's a secret week in between the end of may and the beginning of july and that it is actually the following weekend that we will be going up to sexy spring! a secret, extra week! so we need to make the most of it.

in the uw library now trying to get work done on the clamor music fest and an interview i need to transcribe for my passions and survival project. so distracted though...

woke up this morning with that song "land down under" by men at work in my head. it would be a crazy thing to do but australia's summer does begin right when it starts to get cold here. hmmm...

you better take cover

back in madison

after a long journey i made it here yesterday morning. it's great to be back and the weather is beautiful. i'm looking forward to seeing all my friends again and all the fun that awaits this adventure...

the outcome's not so clear

a lot is happening and it's finally setting in that i'm leaving for the midwest next week. spring is in full bloom but the incessant rain has extinguished much of the springtime buzz. i can't even remember the last time i saw the fucking sun. but it's not terrible. so, updates...

*gave my notice at the bookstore but might be able to return after my travels
*didn't get the job with the newstandard but will freelance for them
*found a ride to the edge of the midwest and will bus to madison from there
*excited about all the fun happenings in madison when i arrive
*starting to get serious about coordinating the clamor music fest
*can't stop listening to the new defiance, ohio album
*already miss riding bikes everyday with my roomate dave

calling old friends to make sure they're real,
talking, talking just to feel that sense of home
you lost when you left last year.
distance is just numbers on a dashboard,
hours thinking about nothing
but the transmission stutter you fear.

i remember what you whispered in my ear,
and all the things we tried so hard
to never have to hear,
like kids tighten up,
start saving for the golden year.
well, hey, that picture it fades day by day
and the outcome's not so clear.

looking ahead

it's almost may and i can't stop thinking about the midwest. i'm planning on spending the month of june out there. visiting my friends in madison before heading up to sexy spring and then back through on the way towards the allied media conference. it's going to be a very exciting adventure. i just need to figure out how i'm getting out there and everything.

still waiting to hear back from the new standard. this could be a really amazing job if i get it. i'm a little nervous that it actually will work out. we'll see what happens...

what these cryptic symbols mean

when the seasons change it's really important to have a new soundtrack to accompany the transformation. lately, i can't stop listening to the mountain goats' album we shall all be healed. it's the perfect music right now--in this particular moment in my life. and i know that when i listen to it again next winter i will taste springtime. i will return to this beautiful day, riding my bike through the woods with the sun warm on my skin. and i'll think of the people in my life right now. the ones that are keeping me inspired and alive. i love you all.

when the last days come
we shall see visions
more vivid than sunsets
brighter than stars

25 years

so much happening. i turned 25 years old this past friday. yes, the golden birthday...a quarter-century of living. crazy, huh? i'm feeling pretty good about it, like being comfortable with the skin i've grown into. i had a nice birthday here with friends. free ice cream sundaes and book readings and a bowling party, karaoke and birthday cake in the wee hours. and receiving sweet birthday messages from people that mean a lot to me was so special. from san francisco to argentina, new york, boston and vermont...i realized that i have a lot of good friend out there and it made me feel good.

the days are longer and we have begun to explore, to relcaim public space and push the limits. the roof of the parking garage was just a beginning. we are emerging from the frozen woodwork and are getting ready for revolution spring. be on your toes. it's happening...

our paths cross again

did i mention that it's officially spring? there's a buzz in the air.

best surprise ever: liz arrived last night unexpectedly from new orleans. so amazing. she's the best. now we just have to convince her to stay here. frrrriends.

now i can put siamese dream back in the cd case and enjoy the spring air.

i can hear it breathing

sometimes i like to look around and try to be conscious of how i got to this particular moment in my life. all of the decisions and variables that led to the present situation--once again with the choose your own adventure analogy. but what's the point of this exercise?, she asks me. it doesn't ever seem to go anywhere. until last night i wouldn't have had an answer, but we had just learned from the wisdom of the zapatistas: as we walk this path we need to maintain an awareness of where we've been, where we are, and where we are going.

where are we going, anyway?

things have been pretty good lately. i've discovered that after enduring and surviving the worst situations i can truly appreciate the smallest things that a lot of people take for granted. my new apartment is still like a palace to me and i feel so grateful to be sharing it with two of the best people i know. likewise, my new job isn't perfect but after doomstar cafe it seems like the best occupation in town. when we adapt to unhealthy conditions the slightest improvements have the potential to transform our lives.

despite the sub-freezing temperatures the days are getting longer and i can begin to hear spring breathing in the distance. it will be nice to soon enjoy the bikeride to the radio station on monday mornings. right now i have to blow on my fingers to prevent them from falling off onto the bike trail. ughhhh...but it will get better soon.

change is afoot. get ready.

we'll set our watches forward like we're just arriving here

so...in the past couple weeks i got a new job, saw some of the best people i know at ncor in dc, had really fun house-warming/dessert party in my fabulous new apartment, started doing a weekly radio show on valley free radio, made some new friends, and a lot more.

is february really almost half way done?

hearts to everyone i miss so dearly. you are all in my dreams...

a new beginning (part III)

it's amazing how drastically one's life can improve in a single week. i'm still unemployed but it's more of a joyous job-free existence. i am now sharing a beautiful new apartment with two of my best friends. i'm so grateful of all of this.

as sailor and i were finishing up filling the u-haul on saturday the mail was delivered to our old house. amongst junk mail and bills was my check from toward freedom for the interview and article i wrote for them! everything has come together smoothly. it really couldn't be any better.

i do miss liz though. i'm glad that she went to new orleans because it's going to be a really great experience for her but it's just weird not having her around. i'm glad that she's been able to call me from down there to let me know what's happening. it sounds so messed up. but her friend leigh is there with her and they're sharing a bunk bed!

i'm looking forward to going down to dc this weekend for ncor. it will be great to see old friends and be back in that vibrant, radical environment again. things are good.

embracing change

i spent last week avoiding reality. then i woke up sunday morning and it all hit me, both physically and emotionally. there is just so much happening right now. jo and liz leaving town indefinitely, searching for a new job, and now moving back to south street. it's all very intense but i am embracing change. it forces me to be more conscious of everything. i'm also finishing up an article for toward freedom that i will be using for my first passions and survival radio show next week. i'm going to finally do it. everything will be fine. i just need to get my shit together and stay motivated...

take this job and shove it

i got fired today.

it's fine though. leaving the cafe, there was this feeling of liberation not sadness. a new beginning not a tragic loss. it sucks that i have to start looking for a new job again and play all those charades but i this is definitely a positive development. i want to keep supporting all my coworkers in their struggle to follow their passions in this brief stepping stone to bigger things. there is something more at our finger tips and we will not be held back...

onward!

feeling better, finally

i'm feeling better and it's nice outside. it almost feels like spring again with the sun out and temps in the 50's. crazy. i'm not as jealous of my friends who are in san francisco this week.

shit is going down at the woodstar. we're getting together tonight to try to change things. i wouldn't call it mutiny but it's exciting that we're starting to organize.

i'm currently day-dreaming about diy summer adventures...

money sickness

i've been sick all year so far. it hit me on new year's day and i haven't been able to shake it off yet. i had to work last night and spent most of the shift blowing my nose and coughing. but i have to work because i have also spent the beginning of 2006 completely broke. the bank reopened january 3rd. that day i cashed my paycheck and after giving my roommates rent money i had a whopping $1 surplus. yes, one dollar.

one.

cough, sneeze. happy new year.

but this is just a bump in the road. i will be getting paid soon for my articles for toward freedom and after a day of rest i should be feeling better tomorrow.

i talked to richard and kate last night. they're trying to get a ride out from milwaukee to go to ncor in february. i can't wait to see those kids again.

this time, this year (part II)

is bigger than us,
and goes on long after we're gone.

another year. looking over a journal entry from new year's day last year i begin to put things into perspective and realize that my optimism and hope in those words didn't exactly pan out. not so say it was a bad year. it's more complex than that. it was just challenging. after an incredible winter adventure of falling in love and throwing myself into the world i returned to madison in february. my stubborn refusal to return to the wage market got me in a lot of financial trouble of which i am still feeling the effects. but half way through the year i moved back to the east coast to begin anew.

northampton has been pretty good to me. i've met some amazing people here and it's been really nice being so close to cape cod, boston, bard, nyc and other northeastern points of interest. i'm starting to feel centered here as i prepare to move back to south street february 1st. this will be good. so like last year, i am beginning 2006 with optimism and hope, but (hopefully) with more wisdom from the mistakes i've made and more potential for greatness...

*still forging ahead with the passions and survival project with articles and interviews in toward freedom and other publications along with an hour long radio show on valley free radio!

*just appointed the coordinator of the 2006 clamor music festival: dozens of benefit shows will take place all over the country sometime this fall and i'm in charge of putting it together!

*diy tour this summer, playing my acoustic punk songs and networking with rad people and making new friends!

*maybe grad school at umass, amherst in the fall to get a masters in labor studies. i could use their resources to write a book on passions and survival!

so yeah, there's a lot of stuff going on. this could be a really amazing year. i wish you all the same...