autumnal searching (2014 edition)

the seasons have changed once again. i find myself in the same house i moved into ("temporarily") one year ago. i'm done with school and i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing with my life now. anything is possible which is exciting/overwhelming. for now, i'm a barista with a masters degree in search of a new adventure.

returning to the summit/transcending self-sabotage

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back to that summit again. i'm so close. and yet, psychologically, so far away. but this is when everything changes. this is when i fully return to this project and to being a student. and soon, i will reach that summit and celebrate with an epic dance party.

over lunch we plot against our shared tendencies to procrastinate on the things that matter in our lives. we recognize these patterns for what they truly are: self-sabotage. we are that snake infinitely consuming its own body.

but no more.

today, i gain the strength to transcend this self-sabotage and actualize my wildest dreams.

that summit is too fucking close to turn back now.

winter residency of the mind

two years ago i began the masters program at goddard. that february, i took the train up to the campus in plainfield, vermont for the first time. and now, two years and 4--well, 3 and a half--semesters later, i find myself at my temporary home in philadelphia and not on campus graduating. i am missing the residency this week. sure, i deeply miss the friends and mentors who are currently gathered there, but also the residency itself and the opportunities that it provides. it has proven impossible to even try to replicate that experience here; that combination of intellectual (as well as social) immersion and solitude that i thrive on so much. but this is when things need to shift. i need to seriously return to the thesis and its vision over the next month. it is the most important thing in my life right now and i have to prevent other forces from trying to deny that.

this is what truly matters.

it's the end of another year

another year, fading away. i look ahead toward new beginnings and realize that i need to make things happen. more creating and less consuming in 2014. more challenges beyond the comfort zone. the challenge to be conscious in the present moment.

i don't want to be at lunch some day in the future just casually mentioning that the past decade has just flown by. like a blurry blink of 10 years of life.

i want more.

10 feet from the summit

another thanksgiving has arrived--another day of mourning. it was 9 years ago this week that i started writing here, almost one decade ago. and i'm still here. still writing. still mourning. still navigating this profoundly cruel and unjust world. but also still giving thanks for all the beauty and inspiration, for all the amazing people i have known and loved during this time.

so 9 years later, i find myself living in philadelphia; in the third neighborhood of my nearly 5 year journey here. my life is completely up in the air right now. i'm sitting in the waiting room, struggling to finish, now, my first draft of the master's thesis by next wednesday morning. everything is completely on hold until that is complete. from now until then, i will immerse myself in the writing. i will get into the zone and make this happen.

i just got off the phone with my sister who shared something very helpful from her experience in art school. one of her professors looked at a series of paintings she had done and responded, "it's as if you were 10 feet from the summit and then just turned around and went home." 

10 feet from the summit.

that's where i'm at now. after nearly two years of this low-residency program at goddard i am so close to being done. almost there. and yet lately, my focus and determination has been nonexistent. i have felt isolated from the process. i need to treat this challenging task ahead the same way i approached moving out of my house and into my current living space early last month. i didn't over-prepare. i just focused my determination on accomplishing what urgently need to get done. and i did it, despite everything. despite trips to the emergency room and parking tickets. i made it happen.

after this task ahead is complete next week, i will be free to figure out what the fuck i am doing with my life. i will update my resume, research job openings in philly and beyond, and spend most of my time writing cover letters and pursuing something new. a new life.

for now, i'm 10 feet from the summit. but i'm not turning around.  

leave(s)

fall has arrived and i'm ready to change with the leaves. embracing all the upheaval, the crumbling of foundations long taken for granted. i walk all around this city now, my bicycle broken and quietly resting in the parlour of my temporary living space. walking, we notice the details of the changes going on around us. yes, the leaves do change colors in the city. they are bright and then earth-toned...and then dead. i walk miles to sit in a coffeeshop, one that i will be not getting paid minimum wage to be inside. sitting there, gazing out the window, instead of diligently writing, i see the one face i would prefer to never see again pass by. it's unclear whether we made eye contact or not. but in that moment, i think to myself: i need to get the fuck out of here. i should leave. and fantasies of starting a new life in a new place are so comforting. like the change of the seasons. but for now, i am here. and i am writing. i am changing.

supervising myself, against all odds

i'm sitting at my desk in my new room, looking out onto my new neighborhood as the sun begins to set once again. another day. another massive challenge and nothing to show for it. i'm feeling pathetic. this is my last chance to get my first draft of my thesis to my advisor and i can't even begin to write. not a single word. what the fuck is wrong with me? i think back to 6th grade. sitting at my childhood desk in my bedroom 20 years ago, i struggled to write my report on the man-o-war jellyfish. i missed the due date and my authoritarian social studies teacher marked me down. then i think back to my first year living in northampton, struggling to write an article about an antiwar protest that was overdue for a friend's website. i was getting paid for that one, but i still couldn't find the focus or determination to make it happen. then my dear friend liz accompanied me to the public computer lab at smith college's library. she graciously acted as my chaperone, making sure i kept on track. sitting behind me, she kept looking up from her graphic novel, providing much needed supervision until i finished the article. eventually, i wrote it. and then we were free to leave. liz saved my life and i will forever be thankful for that. before i go to bed tonight i need to somehow find the strength and the focus to write a rough draft of the main body of my thesis. then i will wake up in the morning, pump out a draft of the concluding chapter, put it all together and send it off to my advisor before i head to my coffeeshop job in the afternoon.

inhale. exhale.

i can do this.

wow.

one month ago i fell off my bike. i fell as a result of a driver's reckless behavior. when they drove directly through a red light just ahead of me, along my route to work, i slowed down in disbelief. i turned my head as they continued driving south to yell the only word that made sense: "WOW." i then lost balance and hit the pavement with my bike. i scrapped my left elbow and then, with most of my body weight, landed on my right hand. with adrenaline racing through my bloodstream, i rose back on my feet and hopped on my feet and back on my bike. wow. i biked the remaining two blocks to work with my right handlebar slightly bent, my elbow bleeding, and my right wrist sore. i made it through my work shift despite everything, thanks to some pain relievers, a bandage, and a lot of extra help from my sweet coworker.

a month later, the scab on my elbow has almost disappeared, but my wrist is still pretty fucked up. sometimes our bodies heal like we expect them too. other times, they need some assistance. our wrists are made up of dozens of tiny bones and tendons and some of the pieces of my right wrist are still damaged, one month later. as one of the millions of americans without health insurance, i do not have access to a doctor to fix this. and even the community acupuncture clinic in my neighborhood is not an option for me financially right now.

so i wait. i patiently let my body heal itself as i walk around the city now. i walk everywhere and embrace the new perspectives offered as a pedestrian. i slow down and turn my head, and say to myself, "wow." does it really have to be like this?

revolt against adulthood

i turned 32 in april and i've spent the whole year thinking about 10 years ago, back to when i was finishing college. in that last semester, spring 2003, i decided to just do everything: write most of my senior project, save the old gym, try to stop a war, and even start a new band. i was fueled by radical ambition and i made it all happen. everything seemed possible.

10 years later, i returned to that college where i graduated at age 22. there's too much to say about the reunion here, although that story will  be told, but i do want to mention the driving theme heading into that experience and which defined last weekend for me: forging a balance between navigating the responsibilities of being in one's 30's and a dedication to redefining, or even revolting again, adulthood. escaping the trap of what-are-you-up-to-now? conversations, i squatted the reunion.

a few nights after i returned to philly, i realized that something i need in my life now is new challenges, new experiences, and to push myself into the unknown, out of the comfort zone i have sculpted this past decade.

this year, i will be writing a new thesis and finishing a masters program. it is what lies beyond this that will offer what i need. something bigger. something radically ambitious.

a season for new ideas

"for me, the fall is always a time of new ideas," she said as i paid for my coffee.

i like that. a season of new ideas. and here we are: immersed in the fall, embracing autumnal insights and revelations. we are ready for new ideas, new music, new experiences.

new everything.

but we also need to look back, to reflect. this is also a season of introspection.

the day before the multi-billion dollar 2012 election, one of my old little league pals from cape cod died of a heart attack at the tragically young age of 32. it doesn't make any sense that nick desimone is no longer alive on this planet with us. when something horrific like that happens it helps you put into perspective all the petty bullshit in your life and serves as a reminder of what really matters--namely the people we love and love us. don't take any of that for granted.

my heart goes out to nick's loved ones and family, especially his dad lenny who was the best fucking t-ball coach ever.

in other thoughts, i am finishing up my second semester of grad school. my winter break begins the first week of december and i don't return to goddard again until mid-february. during this time i will be starting research for my thesis, including a revisit of my "passions and survival" project. i will also be revising an essay for my progress review on developing a radical "right livelihood" beyond capitalism. it will be nice to have this time to catch up on my work and get back on track before my final year of the program begins.

until then, cheers to new ideas.

 

conquering today

my final packet of the semester is due today. here i am at grindcore house to finally confront this situation. part of the psychology of procrastination is the denial of reality. we convince ourselves that everything is just fine, our hands covering our eyes as we begin to approach the cliff ahead of us. today, i am opening my eyes up and embracing the fierce urgency of NOW. today is about getting shit done and being in the zone. it's also about demystification and conquering self-destruction. taking away the power from fucked up dyanamics and fucked up tendencies that get in the way of our own liberation. those things that become barricades to realizing our dreams. today, we tear them down and keep moving ahead...

conscious unemployment & the paradox of freedom

it's been over a month now since i quit my job. two days after my last day i found myself on a plane to chicago to write about the protests there between may day and the NATO summit. every day i was there i tried to be grateful of the situation, of not having to go to work at this place that made me miserable for four months. of course i also started missing philly and looking forward to leaving. 3 weeks is a long time to visit one place.

now i'm back in philly. i'm focusing on the end of my first semester in grad school, prioritizing being a student while i can. i have just enough money saved up to sort of scrape by through, at least some of, the summer. so here i am, consciously unemployed. i'm free. but this first week back in philly has been a struggle. when you don't have to be somewhere, to punch the clock everyday it is up to you to stay focused and be productive. in theory this moment is all about reading and writing all the time, eating and breathing my studies. but when you're free, it's hard not to enslave yourself with destructive (or at least unhealthy) tendencies.

in a repressive culture where we are conditioned to follow orders, we become dependent on our own unfreedom. in these rare moments of empowerment and liberation, we tend to self-sabotage ourselves by pursuing the things that are bad for us because, well, we can do whatever the fuck we want.

but this is not inevitable. part of being consciously unemployed is resisting this tendency and demonstrating that we do not have to be dependent on hierarchical instituitions ordering us around and structuring our lives by their clocks and bank accounts. we have the capacity to control our own lives, and yes, to be free.

two-thousand-twelve: this is what adulthood looks like

i guess i missed the deadline for reflecting on 2011. oh well. i have already moved on. after a year of profound personal change, challenge, and growth, i am embracing the potential of this new year. this fresh start couldn't have arrived any sooner. if 2011 was defined by loss, introspection and the recognition of unhealthy patterns, 2012 is all about moving beyond these lessons learned and actualizing my desires.

one week ago, i began this year waking up in a very adult bedroom. this person's living space exuded a "i-totally-have-my-shit-together" aesthetic. even though i will likely never return to this bedroom, i was inspired by this monument of adulthood and see it as a metaphor for what lies ahead in my year.

i already feel like more of an adult now than i did in december. after working the last 8 and a half months of 2011 washing dishes at a cafe, i now find myself a very different situation. for the first time in my adult life i have a job where i am earning a living wage. when my roommate kyle moved back to his hometown in massachusetts at the end of december i took over his position doing food deliveries for big-shot catering company in philly. the material benefits have already manifested in the form of a workable (hell, even fancy) phone, a bike helmet that will actually protect my brains, pants without holes, and a new stylish winter jacket.

this is what adulthood looks like.

not the voracious accumulation of material possessions. i'm talking about the ability to provide oneself with basic human needs. over the past 8 years the inabilty to do so has, in many ways, preventing me from following my dreams. when you are stressing out about paying bills it is often difficult to go beyond that point, to realizing the impossible. we are trapped in a monthly loop of phone calls from debt collectors, piles of recycled warning letters, shitty food, and a psychological block around escaping this fate.*

on december 30th, appropriately, i worked my final shift at the cafe, closing out a challenging year of starts and stops, confusion and revelation. on january 6th of this new year, i finally submitted my application to goddard college's masters in individualized studies program. after months and months of talking about this plan i finally put it all together and sent it out. i will likely begin my graduate eduation next month with the program's week-long residency. and i will be one step closer to actualizing my dreams.

this is what adulthood looks like.

*[of course, i am just speaking from my own experience here. i have had the privilege of only needing to take care of myself (ie: not supporting a family) and also being part of a really amazing, supportive community of friends and family.]

closure/possibilties

sometimes closure can serve as a catalyst. in these often painful moments when reality is turned on its head, we have no other choice but to accept, to move on--and from there, the possibilities are limitless. and this is where i have been standing for the past month. (well, more like dancing and exploring than a state of immobility). in the space of clarity and revelation i have an opportunity to discover who i am and what i truly want out of my life. and it's not an easy process, but it feels good.

last day of summer, or the return of may 2005

as far as the calendar is concerned, today is the last day of summer--the autumnal equinox lurking just beyond sunset. but come september we are generally ready for a new era, for new beginnings. even if it is still 80 degrees and sunny.

even on the best days in september/it's hard to find my peace of mind

on the last day of august, it hit me that many of my aspects of my current life in philly eerily mirror my reality in madison over 6 years ago. i wrote down a list of things that are identical to my final month in the midwest, in the spring of 2005:

-fucking broke/in debt/un(der)-employed
-registered with a temp agency with unfortunate, demoralizing results
-heartache across distance/attempting to salvage a seemingly impossible long-distance relationship
-making plans to move to western massachusetts to live with a close, platonic female friend
-drinking heavily after a long period of sobriety
-involvement in local bookstore collective my primary commitment

crazy, huh? it's so interesting to discover the weird ways our histories repeat themselves. hopefully by reflecting on where i was at back then and the subsequent years that followed i can move in new directions. i want to go beyond the familiar and start a new. unlike 2005, i am committed to returning to school and am currently applying to goddard college's master in individualized studies program. trying to focus on that now, despite the weight of these other challenges. i am ready for the fall. 

impatiently patient

sitting in the waiting room lately. it's that gnawing mental state of disconnection from the present, from my immediate surroundings. something bigger and better does lie ahead, down the road, but reaching that point feels improbable, almost unattainable--as if this current moment will never end.

but there are glimpses of better things to come on the horizon. soon i will be sitting on the beach, back in the land where i grew up. very soon, actually. it's funny how time works though. we're so impatient and then the things we are desperately waiting for often arrive before we're even prepared for them.

i want to be more engaged in the world. i want to have more going on and begin to challenge myself again, to do new things and put myself out there. time to leave the waiting room and start pushing the boundaries.

moments of transition

this year is half over. after a challenging winter of both upheaval and stagnancy, the spring was a transitional moment, offering me an opportunity to begin the process of starting things over. after couch-surfing off and on for a month or so, i said goodbye to the apartment i had shared with lv in west philly. on march 17th--an unusually warm st. patrick's day--james helped me move all of my belongings into traci's car and then into my temporary, transitional residency in south philly. for the next 2 months i lived with traci's boss from a certain progressive lawyers' organization. he was moving out of the 3 bedroom row home he had rented for the past 3 years on june 1st and welcomed the company and donations (in the form of "rent") to said organization. the whole situation worked out really well for both of us.

moments of transition are important. they help us put things into perspective and prepare for the next era of our lives. that's where i'm at now. just as spring ended (commencing the second half of the year) and the tempatures climbed back into the 90's again, i moved just down the street, staying in south philly. i now live in a beautiful house with 4 other humans and 5 cats. this is where i want to be right now and it makes a lot of sense as i work towards going back to school. in navigating the bureaucracies of student loan debt and collections, i have come to terms with the reality that i must wait until next spring to start school. this will give me a little extra time to get ready on various levels, so it's probably a good thing. i'm applying to both temple university (master of liberal arts) and goddard college (master of individualized studies) and i think either way i will be happy. now that i have entered my 30's i'm just ready for the next level, the next epoch. the next challenge. i'm psyched.

(a line from that one song about living for the moment)

forget about doom and gloom. i don't want to be paralyzed by fear of the world outside of our safety bubbles, or the reckless fear of that world coming to an end. but i can't deny that things are getting scary here in the early 21st century--with tornadoes in places that have never seen tornadoes before, never-ending oilspill monstrosities, heatwaves that kill the human spirit, and air conditioners that kill the planetary immune system.

instead of hiding in fear, these things inspire me to work towards being as present as possible. i don't want to invest everything in an uncertain future. i want to actualize my dreams as soon as i can. i don't want to put them on lay-away. i want to live for today and tomorrow (and perhaps the next one). but not for a few years down the line, or a fucking decade from now. this is all we have. let's not take it for granted.

your responsible planning is irresponsible. let's be impatient.

birthdays, bagels, and graduations

past.
this past weekend, i found myself in new york city for the first time in far too long. it was nice to catch up with a few friends that live there, but the main purpose of the trip was to celebrate tyler's 30th birthday. i have known tyler, literally, my entire life so i would not have missed this for the world. waiting outside the turkish restaurant in astoria for the rest of the of the party to arrive, i called my brother and then had to hang up shortly after as tyler waved to me through a car window. a few seconds later i noticed a woman that looked a whole lot like tyler's mother who i hadn't seen in at least 5 years. and it was! she surprised him by flying up from austin, texas just for the occasion. his brother and father (also surprisingly) came down from massachusetts too, so the whole family--my sort of extended-neighbor family--was all present. it was great. after dinner we ended up at a latin dance club in queens. continuing a tradition that began last may, tyler's girlfriend grisel and her sisters and cousins sang along to all their favorite tunes from growing up in colombia and we all danced like crazy. in between dj sets, some latin rock groups played while a dvd of live ramones concerts played on all of the bar's tv screens. quite surreal. and amazing.

present.
this morning was bagel tuesday at the gym. even though i've been fighting off a cold the past couple days, i woke up determined to finally check out this monthly situation. it was nice that they provided free coffee as well, but the "bagels" were beyond disappointing. the thin-style they offered tasted exactly like a slightly thicker pita pocket--but even worse than that. this is all to say, i belong to a gym and that is weird and should be surprising to anyone reading this. i'm getting a little more comfortable being there, but the space is still foreign territory to me with its only particular culture and mores outside of my comfort zone; not dissimilar to casinos or stripclubs. despite this specific chain's commitment to being "safe" and a "judgement free zone," it is still a hypermasculine space with rigid gender norms and traditional, well, everything. i'm just trying to keep my heart healthy as i advance in years, and the price is right.

future. 
this coming weekend, my mother is graduating from elms in college in western mass in their rn to bsn program. we're all so proud of her. i'm taking the time off work so i can go up and celebrate. can't wait! my friend amanda, who i also work with now, is driving up to northampton for a bridal shower this weekend so we're gonna roadtrip it together from philly. i'm looking forward to seeing my family again, being there for my mom, and seeing some northampton friends sunday night. karaoke at bishop's anyone? 

an impending future of grad school

sometimes we have no choice but to focus on the future. and sometimes the future is only a couple months away. preparing for this moment can help us get through a present reality that is unfulfulling, or rife with day-to-day uncertainty. this vision inspires us to make it through, to make it happen.

my impending future begins in late-august. my vision is to return to studenthood, pursuing a masters degree. i am excited about dedicating my life toward one thing--a temporary autonomous zone free of neverending questions marks.

recently, i have had the state of vermont on my mind and began entertaining the idea, once again, of applying to goddard college as well as temple. the application deadline for both is mid-summer. both have start dates in august. when i woke up this morning i turned on the radio and an ad for temple's master of liberal arts (mla) program was playing on npr. i interpretted this as a peculiar sign, at least a mild inspiration for getting my shit together.

i'm just gonna go for it and apply to both programs over the next month. letters of recommendation will be requested, bureaucracies will be navigated, and a seemingly crippling personal financial situation will be addressed full-on. all in pursuit of a future of new possibilities.