formula for focusing

nearly 6 years after graduating college i am still struggling to figure out how to focus and get work done. deadlines are meaningless. i need urgency to accomplish anything. i'll wake up early with hopes of having a productive day and then before i know it the sun is setting and i have nothing to show except a headache. but i know it's a process of a larger process. trying to finish an article today a couple weeks past when it was originally due. now it's urgent. time to focus.

free at noon

in philly, you can see a free concert every friday at noon. sponsored by npr affiliate wxpn (based at upenn), the world live cafe hosts premium live music each week for free--usually touring bands playing in the city that night.

i discovered this the week i moved here. an increasing popular northampton band called the winterpills just happened to be playing there my second day in philly. lv and i walked the 15 or so blocks before arriving at this venue that feels more like a museum when you enter it than a music club. there is a little stage in the street-level restaurant where smaller, mostly acoustic acts play, but the free at noon bands perform downstairs in the music hall replete with full bar and the biggest sound board i have ever seen.

it's always disorienting walking in to this dimly-lit, windowless space from the sun of high noon, in addition to being at a concert in the middle of the day with a few hundred other people who are either unemployed or skipping work. but once your eyes adjust you can begin to appreciate the siutation.

at the end of january i had the pleasure of seeing devotchka who were so fun to see live with their vast array of instruments. i returned again yesterday for a concert featuring two songwriters i had never heard or seen before: john wesley harding and m. ward.

i use the word concert very consciously. i enjoy going to see free live music in the middle of the day on fridays as much as anyone else, but there's something detatched about the culture that stirs up an awareness and pride of my punk roots. it's a strange dichotomy: watching free music in a deeply commercial (even if xpn is "member supported") space. on the wall next to the stage where the bands play, the logo for comcast is projected underneath the xpn call numbers. the majority of musicians fall under the oxymoronic "commercial indie" genre, which for me is sometimes a guilty pleasure. i love devotchka's music but what is the significance of a band gaining noteriety from a movie soundtrack? and i know not every band can be fugazi, but i just feel like integrity is important. of course this won't prevent me from continuing to go to the free at noon concerts it's just things that i can't stop thinking about while i'm there...

in defense of joel kovel

this week my alma mater, bard college, decided that it would not renew the contract of one of my mentors, professor joel kovel. this is undoubtedly a result of the college's unfortunate allegiance with the state of israel and joel's outspoken, principled critique of zionism and the escalating oppression of palestinians in the occupied territories. read his statement about the situation here.

the following is a letter of protest that i wrote to the president and vice president of bard:

Dear Leon and Dmitri,

As a Bard alum, I am writing to express my shock and disapproval of the college's recent decision to terminate one it's finest professors, Joel Kovel. Not only did I learn a great deal from Joel's classes, I considered him a mentor and a friend. He was an amazing resource for his students and was extremely supportive of those of us committed to political organizing on and off campus.

It is outrageous to me that Professor Kovel never received tenure during his 20 plus years teaching at Bard. Your decision to not renew his contract is an insult to those of us that gained so much from him. Furthmore, this unfortunate action undermines the values of academic freedom that the college was founded on and that both of you have claimed a committment to during your time there.

As similar letters pour in from around the world in support of Professor Kovel it should become uncomfortably clear what an egregious mistake you have made. I urge you to reinstate him immediately or to at least issue a public apology.

Sincerely,

Matt Dineen, Class of 2003

back in philly (part II)

since i've been back in philly it's been like this: new room, up and down 48th st. in between here and lv's place two blocks away, applying for paid internship with the prometheus radio project, back to volunteering at the wooden shoe, starting to work with cristy road for aid & abet, crossing my fingers for tax refund to arrive before march rent is due, feeling more like i actually live here, grateful for the lack of ice or snow, no money but lots of love, can't wait for spring...

r.i.p. tj

when i visited my mother in new hampshire last week tj, the cat that's been in our family for over 22 years, wasn't doing to well. her health had gone down since my last visit a few months ago. her fur looked pretty ragged and her hind legs were wobbly. i'll spare you the more digusting details.

i talked to my mom today and she shared with me the bad news: she found tj dead earlier in the week, curled up in the closet with the cat door, tongue sticking out. so sad.

tj stands for tigger junior. my brother's cat tigger was hit by a car when i was 5 years and we got tj a few months later from someone that my mom worked with. i remember the night tigger died. paul was really devastated and he sat on the living room floor listening to "every rose has it's thorn" by poison on the radio:

every rose has its thorn
just like every night has its dawn
just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song
every rose has its thorn

i feel grateful that i was able to see tj one last time before she passed away. as my mom pointed out, "she's been such a thread connecting our family all these years." she had her cremated and will bury her ashes in the spring under a forsythea bush.

rest in peace, tigger junior...

little glimpses

when spring actually arrives, for real, it will be so extrordinary. we're not there yet--not even in temperate, ice and snow-free philadelphia. when it does get here, everything will become alive again. it's the greatest feeling in the world. i've found that it's necessary, although frustrating, to have these little glimpses of the possibility of spring throughout the final months of winter. it keeps me going until the real thing makes it.

after a nice visit to boston i am back in philly, slowly moving into my new house. the possibilty of early spring is fueling everything right now. it's good to be back.

february visit

i've been back in new england for a week. when i left philly it was sunny and warm. spring was in the air and i was feeling good. soon after arriving in northampton the "snow showers" predicted by the weather channel started to fall on my old town. my nose started running within an hour of being back. sniffle. sniffle. emily opened up her apartment to me and let me use her car the next day to drive to evolution. i worked the lunch shift and got paid in cash. it kind of felt like i had never left, like the month of january had never happened. despite drinking heather's amazing conconction of raw garlic, ginger, lemon juice and cayenne, i felt sick and wiped out when i got out and just went to bed early instead of going out dancing at the basement. didn't sleep well that night, waking up dehydrated and blowing my nose.

wednesday morning i walked through town for the first time since december, but just to stop by the bank and then straight to the bus station. i made it just in time to hop on the 10:30 bus to brattleboro where my mom was meeting me. she could tell i was sick before i even got in the car and i basically spent the next two days relaxing at her house and taking care of myself. the first night there i realized that one year ago i was in the same place, surrounded by snow, house-sitting for her while she was on vacation in the dominican republic. one year later, i listened to a certain album that i associate with that week, filled with mixed feelings. it was all too weird and appropriate.

i felt a little better when i took the bus back to northampton friday. i got in just in time to work one more shift back at the cafe. i was reunited with austin and we trudged through a crazy night featuring a concert that made my head pound. it was all worth it for the free food and money. definitely my last shift ever though!

saturday was the first day that i was actually able to hang out and be back in northampton for real and it felt good. it was great seeing old friends again that i have missed a lot and i had so much fun dancing and running around town again.

i woke up early and walked to my old apartment building to make sure my bike still existed. it was securely locked up and even had plenty of air in the tires! my mom drove down before work to meet me for breakfast and paul came up with lee and her daughter too. it was really nice to see them all before i went back to philly.

this morning i returned to valley free radio as a guest on tony and keely's show parapolitics. we talked about the new administration and the forging of new activist strategyies with obama in office. i'm trying to write an article about it all using the inauguration as a metaphor for this dilemma and the lack of visible dissent at his swearing in, particularly compared to those of bush in 2001 and 2005. that's what i'm doing now with my last day here.

tomorrow, amanda and are going on a field trip to boston. i'm excited to see tyler after so many months since our last visit. then back to philly on wednesday. i'm looking forward to feeling like i actually live there, after a month of just visiting, as i will move into my own place. also can't wait to see my sweetheart who i miss so much...see you soon!!

divided psyche

pour me a glass of paralyzing bad habits and distractions. pinch my nose and force it down my throat. every. last. drop. dreams colonized by the existence of reality tv. but not tonight. wrap me up in kleenex soaked in nyquil. fold my clothes on top of piles of pet dander. two days of being in elementary school again. press hard on the remote control. my desires are drowned out by static and commercial breaks. it's over now. i'm surrounded by hardcover books i will never read. let's crash the art show. pretend we enjoy photographs of sunrises as much as the free grapes and crackers. everything is in hibernation-mode. but still, they call this a warm front. here's a patch of my skin. keep it somewhere safe for the next time i leave. trust me. i'm not stranded. not yet.

the chonology of a wageslave trage-comedy

a month after my last day of work, i finally got paid today. the following is me trying to make sense of it all...

monday, dec. 29th: my last day of work at the cafe.

wednesday, dec. 31st: leave northampton for philly.

friday, jan. 2nd: paychecks are issued. my address in philly hangs on the cafe's bulletin board.

thursday, jan. 8th: check has not arrived. i call the cafe and the owner explains that there was a mix up between him and the manager about who was going to mail it to me and, oh, sure enough, it was just sitting there as i anticipated the mail delivery each day. he promised to mail it before the end of the day.

monday, jan. 12th: the check has still not arrived.

tuesday, jan. 13th: i call the cafe again to inform them that i still have not received my check and acquire the owner's cell phone number. i leave a brief, stern message on the voicemail of said cell phone.

friday, jan. 16th: are you fucking kidding me? my former boss receives a more caustic, blunt message on his voicemail. he calls back like everything is cool: "oh, i mailed it a few days ago. and yesterday i mailed the check for your tip money. so you should be getting them soon." i call the cafe to give them the update.

saturday, jan. 17th: the absence of this money begins to affect every aspect of my life and complicate this transition in a new city. psychologically distracted from other projects, i begin to check craigslist for jobs. getting home late after my first volunteer shift at the wooden shoe anarchist bookstore, i find the check that he sent for my tips. it was sent the day after my paycheck, which still has not arrived.

tuesday, jan. 20th: i call the cafe to ask about w-2 forms. one of my former co-workers leaves the owner a note about the persistant non-arrival of my paycheck.

wednesday, jan. 21st: he calls me back after seeing the note. we agree that it was most likely lost in the mail and if does not arrive by the end of the week then he send me a new one.

friday, jan. 23rd: i leave him yet another message informing him that i still have not received the check and that it is his responsibilty, especially since he did not get it in the mail when originally promised (x2), to get me my money as soon as humanly possible. he is instructed to return my call with a plan of action. an hour later he leaves me a message about the payroll company cancelling the first check and mailing him a new one. he will then send me the new check via priority mail, probably monday or tuesday. the message ends with the word, "peace." it is later replayed for lv on speakerphone.

wednesday, jan. 28th: message left while i am doing work informs me that the new paycheck has arrived and that he had it sent to "overnight." i have to be present to sign for it when it gets here around noon.

thursday, jan. 29th: at 10:15 am the dog barks. looking out the window i see the postal truck drive away and subsequently discover a slip in the mailbox informing that i would have to wait until tomorrow to pick it up at a local post office. fucking unreal.

friday, jan. 30th (today): i walk the treacherously icy sidewalks toward the post office at 53rd and florence. it's sunny today but i am hating on philly in all kinds of ways. i eventually figure out how to get around (or over, to be more accurate) the train tracks that split the neighborhood like a spinal chord. at 4:00 pm i sign for my express mail and am delighted to see the cost to ship it overnight: $15.20

maybe there is some justice after all? next week i will be returning to visit western mass and will simply deposit this check into my account there. ridiculous. it's over...

the sidewalks are watching me think about you (part III)

i think things are beginning to look up. next month i will be moving into a beautiful house with friends, mere blocks from lv, called international waters. this weekend we will try to forget all our worries and retreat to the post-bush district of columbia. it's warmer today and people are smiling a little more. money continues to be a paralyzing force in the lives of nearly everyone i know, but collectively we can help discover temporary band aids to get through the tough spots. all the while holding those accountable for fucking us over. i miss my friends in northampton and look forward to visiting soon. here's a kiss, a postcard, and box of cupcakes for all of you! ;-*

the extended re-mix of history on repeat

as i write this, a new president is being inaugurated. my toes are cold and looking out the window i see two small dogs shivering, waiting patiently for their guardians to finish their lunch indoors. the local football team lost. my final paycheck still hasn't arrived. the political is intimately personal this winter, and on a local and global-scale i see history on repeat like a skipping record. please don't hold the door open. it's a walk-in freezer out there filled with frost-covered concrete and nude tree branches blowing in the frigid breeze. i'm choking on pennies. five dollar bills are not a reliable method of birth control in this new millenium. close the fucking door. breathe. as i finish writing this dick cheney is exiting the slave-built white house in a wheel chair. clenching his cane light a rifle, 2 million people wave good bye...

when the tape slows down it means the battery's dead

the windows are covered in frost. is the world closed for the day? surprisingly, the door is not locked and the lights are not off. everyone is huddled inside, sipping coffee, listing to outkast and early 90's crust punk. our dreams begin to overlap and we can now make references to the ones that we've shared. i have to remind myself where i am. forget about the day of the week and time...what fucking year is it anyway? what is this alternate universe i'm surrounded by? sitting in a circle, going over the consensus decision-making process, i am 19 years old again listening attentively to the meeting's facilitator. hold my hand. melt my alienation in your sweaty palm. this is starting to feel more real.

goodbye vfr, hello wooden shoe?

since i left northampton i have maintained contact with valley free radio, following up on some projects and responsibilites. realizing that this has distracted me from the work that i want to be working on here, i decided on monday to unsubscribe from the station's e-mail list and start to move on. approximately 15 minutes after my confirmation message that googlegroups had removed me from both the discussion and announcement lists i received another e-mail welcoming me to the wooden shoe books listserve.

i had recently submitted the form to volunteer at philly's formidable radical bookstore/infoshop and apparently they just added me to their email list to keep me up to date on events, meetings, and the global anarchist struggle. part of me is nervous about volunteering at wooden shoe. partially it stems from my past experience in madison where i was unemployed, floundering for months, while volunteering at rainbow bookstore cooperative after just missing out on getting hired as paid staff member when i first moved there. but i think i can balance some volunteer work with paid projects and hopefully my experience there will fuel and inspire the other work i'm doing.

still waiting for my final paycheck from evolution, by the way...

back "home" after a field trip to "the" city

returning "home" from a lovely field trip to nyc, i reflect on my first full week in philly. there were ups and downs, challenges and celebratory moments. i'm stressed about my checking account dipping into double digits with no source of income in sight. meanwhile my incompetent former-boss has yet to mail me my final paycheck. food not bombs dinner at the a-space, an inspiring performance by bread and puppet theater, and a vibrant discussion at the wooden shoe (local anarchist bookstore) about the recent insurrection in greece feed my passion and remind me of this city's infinite potential. amazing to spend quality time with my sweetheart without worries of imminent departures, bus schedules and craigslist rideshares looming over us. still not sure where i will be living in february or whether or not i will be able to afford to live period, but fairly optimistic that something will work out. it always seems to, right?

nyc. we took the city by storm friday night after deciding not to navigate the subway deep into the bowels of brooklyn to erik petersen's mischief brew set at a house show. instead, we walked around lower manhattan in disgust and awe of the spectacle that permeates the streets. we sought out pockets of resistance finding ourselves sipping coffee and reading the onion in the low-lit cafe that was once a record/bookstore; a show raging in the bar below. we were on a date. we meandered our way toward washington square park and had dinner at one of the neighboring vegetarian establishments before indulging in cupcakes. we eventually retreated to the subway toward park slope where we were staying for the weekend with lv's friend tal.

on saturday we walked all over brooklyn and ran into some familiar faces, while meeting some new ones. surly northampton baristas transplanted to this strange urban world, prince and pearl jam rotating on the stereo. a bizarre afternoon children's birthday party at a neighborhood bar. heart racing, i resisted the urge to steal all of their cupcakes. spicy mexican dinner and kindly discounted red velvet cake was followed by an incredible event to benefit make/shift magazine.

hosted in a ft. greene apartment of supporter's the rsvp benefit featured readings from contributors and a chance to meet the magazine's editors who were visiting from LA. after coincidences, surprise people, and networking the reading began. halfway through the first person's piece i felt my nose running which was strange since i did not have a cold. sure enough, my fingers appeared bloody after inspecting the situation, lv was horrified as we sat there silently. i felt like every eyeball in the crowded living room was focused on my nostrils as napkins were procured as i tilted my head back, or forward..."wait, which one is it?" this hasn't happened in 9 years! i retreated to the bathroom after the first reader was done deconstructing the movies of al pacino and diane keaton. every word was torture until it ended. the blood stopped flowing and i thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the event. so glad we made it, really.

after walking the snowy streets and flawlessly riding the controversial G train we made for the last song of khira's band behavior. it was their first show and cho's variety was packed wall to wall with a disturbing ratio of northampton bodies, which michelle pointed out when she eventually arrived. i had a great night and an overall fun time in "the" city.

navigating the (un)comfort zone

this doesn't seem like winter. i don't know what it feels like; an androgynous season in this strange new city. i feel emotionally grounded but completely alienated from almost everything that surrounds me. taking out library books on the history of the city is my attempt to have some sort control, or at least greater understanding of this urban environment.

how is it so far? i don't even know how to answer this question honestly to myself. i'm alone most of the day but i don't feel lonely yet because i'm getting work done. i have friends here that i just haven't made the effort to reconnect with yet. i don't miss my old home too much yet, but i know i will. i'm focusing more on the impending visit to nyc with lv this weekend and reuniting with good friends there.

for now, i try to scrape together a routine, to sculpt together a comfort zone in this foreign complex land that's mostly intimidating as hell. and i continue to balance on the tight rope of excitement and fear...

northampton to philadelphia

if i ever fall sleep i'll remember my dream,
where everybody's there and nobody leaves
-mischief brew

i think back to last monday, the last monday of 2008. after doing my final radio show and completing my last shift at evolution cafe, emily picked me up at the apartment that i had been living in for over 3 years. when i got in her car she wanted to wish me happy birthday but she paused and realized that even though we were heading to my party it was to commemorate something bittersweet. my going away party was fun but emotionally exhausting with all of those hugs goodbye. i wanted to have it on monday so i would have all day tuesday to get all of my shit together and be ready to hit the road early wednesday morning.

i am the biggest procrastinator in the world. i'm always scheming ways to extend deadlines to put things off even longer until the absolute very latest moment they can get done. it's embarassing. i got off to a late start on tuesday and spent a leisurely morning/afternoon doing laundry and beginning to excavate my bedroom. emily lent me her car when she got out of work in the evening and, with some help from pauly, i packed it with an assortment of belongings to store at my grandmother's house in westfield. i didn't arrive at her house until quarter of 9:00 after a stressful drive alone on 91 and the masspike in which i left a number of frantic voicemail messages for people in my life that i wished were in the passenger seat providing moral support. that's waht the ride home looked like too, except i took the back way, and was a little sorer after carrying everything up to the third floor of her house.

emily and i agreed to leave northampton at 6:00 am to drive to avoid the impending snow storm. by the time 2:00 rolled around i was faced with the reality of staying up all fucking night as piles of material possessions and refuse surrounded me, closing in on my sanity. i was able to take an hour-long power nap at 3:30 which proved to be the difference between making it to philly before the new year. i made countless trips from my fourth floor apartment to the dumpster out back, in the eerie, cold silence of pre-dawn. i sent emily a desperate, apologetic text message at 5:45 explaining that even though i stay up most of the night packing i would not be ready at 6:00 but was aiming for 6:30. i picked her up at 7:00 just as the snow started to fall on this town i was leaving for good. we drove back to my house only to begin loading the car up together and to finish desposing of the last pile of weekly papers i had been hoarding since 2006. we finally got on the highway at 8:00 after brushing the snowing off her car. we hit the road and proceeded to plunge through the state of connecticut at a tortoise-like 30 mph.

we finally arrived in sunny, snowless philadelphia around 5:00 pm. driving over the delaware river we marvelled at the dramatic sunset and it's reflection off the city's triumphant skyline. i pointed out how weird it is that this will be my new home. so strange. we landed in west philly right before lv got home from work with a prime parking spot right in front of her apartment. i felt like half a human as we all carried in my stuff that filled up emily's massive trunk, before taking a much deserved nap. feeling more human, i got dressed up fancy with lv before we headed to a lovely dinner party in heath's bedroom. i managed to stay up until midnight and almost got kicked out of gojo's for wearing a "happy new year" plastic tierra instead of the more gender-conforming plastic top hat. 2009 had arrived and i was ready to crash. the longest day of my life had culminated with a kiss in this new city and a new year.

monday hearts

it's monday morning and i'm starting a new job, sort of. for the past 3 years, my usual monday would look something like this: wake up around 8:00, bike 3.5 miles to the florence community center to do my radio show from 9-10, do some work at the station or get coffee with tony before going to work at evolution at 11, work til 6ish.

this monday is a completely different beast despite waking up around the same time: i made coffee and oatmeal for sweetheart and then after she left for work i made my way down the street to the satellite cafe (sort of the haymarket of west philly) where i now find myself, struggling to be productive, to approach the projects i'm working on as a full-time job that my life is structured around. in 2 hours i will be checking out a room in a house in the neighborhood that i might move into before the end of the month. this is my new life in philly that i am slowly adjusting too. i miss the old mondays but am embracing this new one.

tony sent me an e-mail around 9:30 informing me that the last episode of passions and survival that i recorded last monday was being replayed this morning, just in case some listeners missed my final show. maybe next monday too. and even though i will be here in this strange new city each monday, my heart will be on the airwaves and in florence and in northampton with people that i miss so much.

it's the dawning of a new era

i shouldn't even be writing this. there's too much to do. literally. there are more tasks than minutes left before i leave, but i've been wanting to do this for a while now.

despite saying it over and over again the past week, the fact that i am moving to philadelphia tomorrow is still completely surreal. so is leaving northampton. that felt a little more tangible this morning as i woke up to bare walls and piles of belongings in my bedroom. i spent the afternoon excavating the closet in which i have collected clothes in over the past 3 years.

yesterday was fun but exhausting with all of the emotional goodbyes and see-you-laters. in the morning i did my final radio show after producing "passions and survival" almost every monday since january 2006. then i had breakfast with my mom before working my final shift at evolution. so many endings making way for new beginnings.

i had a lot of fun at my going away party and really appreciated all of the great friends that came out for it to sing karaoke. i walked home after the snow dusted over northampton and was in awe of its beauty. a friend who lives in minnesota now recently pointed out that northampton looks really gorgeous when you're leaving it. well, i'll miss you dearly but don't worry...i'll be back to visit often!

i will be waking up soon and driving to philly with my best friend here who i will miss so much, emily gallagher. how amazing is it that she offered to give me a ride on new year's eve? here's to a new era...

nourish

what a moment. when so many things in one's life are up in the air, when destiny is determined by countless variables that are all seemingly at odds with each other, every day produces a series of newsflashes: the gas almost got turned out, we decided to just tell the landlord we're moving out and not pay rent this month, my brother didn't get the job, etc.

after another visit to the city that i will soon be calling home, i'm still trying hard to make it all seem real in my head. i keep looking at the calendar: "december," it keeps reading back to me. okay. it helps a little. it also reads: "nourish," which is a lot more helpful.

somehow, we're going to have to remove everything from this apartment that i've lived in for the past 3 years. i've received advice about chopping up the huge desk in my bedroom. i guess i could try to sell things that i don't need, but i seem to be horrible at things that involve acquiring money. hmmm...

i also need to have my mail forwarded, cancel gas and electricity, find someone take over fundraising at the radio station and all the other logistical drudgery involved with moving away that's probably painfully boring to read about.

i reminded myself today about the pledge i made to myself earlier this year to leave my minimum wage job before the new year. i'm doing it! that gave me a boost.

it's happening.

last month in northampton

wake up. wake up. wake up. it's the first of the month...

my last month in northampton. it hasn't really set in yet that i'm about to make this gigantic life move, but it felt a bit more real waking up this morning. walking the streets, i reflect on the past 3 1/2 years here and what it means to be leaving this town. i know i'm ready for change, and i know that i can also come back to visit. i have a lot to do, but i'm ready for the challenge.