the chonology of a wageslave trage-comedy

a month after my last day of work, i finally got paid today. the following is me trying to make sense of it all...

monday, dec. 29th: my last day of work at the cafe.

wednesday, dec. 31st: leave northampton for philly.

friday, jan. 2nd: paychecks are issued. my address in philly hangs on the cafe's bulletin board.

thursday, jan. 8th: check has not arrived. i call the cafe and the owner explains that there was a mix up between him and the manager about who was going to mail it to me and, oh, sure enough, it was just sitting there as i anticipated the mail delivery each day. he promised to mail it before the end of the day.

monday, jan. 12th: the check has still not arrived.

tuesday, jan. 13th: i call the cafe again to inform them that i still have not received my check and acquire the owner's cell phone number. i leave a brief, stern message on the voicemail of said cell phone.

friday, jan. 16th: are you fucking kidding me? my former boss receives a more caustic, blunt message on his voicemail. he calls back like everything is cool: "oh, i mailed it a few days ago. and yesterday i mailed the check for your tip money. so you should be getting them soon." i call the cafe to give them the update.

saturday, jan. 17th: the absence of this money begins to affect every aspect of my life and complicate this transition in a new city. psychologically distracted from other projects, i begin to check craigslist for jobs. getting home late after my first volunteer shift at the wooden shoe anarchist bookstore, i find the check that he sent for my tips. it was sent the day after my paycheck, which still has not arrived.

tuesday, jan. 20th: i call the cafe to ask about w-2 forms. one of my former co-workers leaves the owner a note about the persistant non-arrival of my paycheck.

wednesday, jan. 21st: he calls me back after seeing the note. we agree that it was most likely lost in the mail and if does not arrive by the end of the week then he send me a new one.

friday, jan. 23rd: i leave him yet another message informing him that i still have not received the check and that it is his responsibilty, especially since he did not get it in the mail when originally promised (x2), to get me my money as soon as humanly possible. he is instructed to return my call with a plan of action. an hour later he leaves me a message about the payroll company cancelling the first check and mailing him a new one. he will then send me the new check via priority mail, probably monday or tuesday. the message ends with the word, "peace." it is later replayed for lv on speakerphone.

wednesday, jan. 28th: message left while i am doing work informs me that the new paycheck has arrived and that he had it sent to "overnight." i have to be present to sign for it when it gets here around noon.

thursday, jan. 29th: at 10:15 am the dog barks. looking out the window i see the postal truck drive away and subsequently discover a slip in the mailbox informing that i would have to wait until tomorrow to pick it up at a local post office. fucking unreal.

friday, jan. 30th (today): i walk the treacherously icy sidewalks toward the post office at 53rd and florence. it's sunny today but i am hating on philly in all kinds of ways. i eventually figure out how to get around (or over, to be more accurate) the train tracks that split the neighborhood like a spinal chord. at 4:00 pm i sign for my express mail and am delighted to see the cost to ship it overnight: $15.20

maybe there is some justice after all? next week i will be returning to visit western mass and will simply deposit this check into my account there. ridiculous. it's over...

the sidewalks are watching me think about you (part III)

i think things are beginning to look up. next month i will be moving into a beautiful house with friends, mere blocks from lv, called international waters. this weekend we will try to forget all our worries and retreat to the post-bush district of columbia. it's warmer today and people are smiling a little more. money continues to be a paralyzing force in the lives of nearly everyone i know, but collectively we can help discover temporary band aids to get through the tough spots. all the while holding those accountable for fucking us over. i miss my friends in northampton and look forward to visiting soon. here's a kiss, a postcard, and box of cupcakes for all of you! ;-*

the extended re-mix of history on repeat

as i write this, a new president is being inaugurated. my toes are cold and looking out the window i see two small dogs shivering, waiting patiently for their guardians to finish their lunch indoors. the local football team lost. my final paycheck still hasn't arrived. the political is intimately personal this winter, and on a local and global-scale i see history on repeat like a skipping record. please don't hold the door open. it's a walk-in freezer out there filled with frost-covered concrete and nude tree branches blowing in the frigid breeze. i'm choking on pennies. five dollar bills are not a reliable method of birth control in this new millenium. close the fucking door. breathe. as i finish writing this dick cheney is exiting the slave-built white house in a wheel chair. clenching his cane light a rifle, 2 million people wave good bye...

when the tape slows down it means the battery's dead

the windows are covered in frost. is the world closed for the day? surprisingly, the door is not locked and the lights are not off. everyone is huddled inside, sipping coffee, listing to outkast and early 90's crust punk. our dreams begin to overlap and we can now make references to the ones that we've shared. i have to remind myself where i am. forget about the day of the week and time...what fucking year is it anyway? what is this alternate universe i'm surrounded by? sitting in a circle, going over the consensus decision-making process, i am 19 years old again listening attentively to the meeting's facilitator. hold my hand. melt my alienation in your sweaty palm. this is starting to feel more real.

goodbye vfr, hello wooden shoe?

since i left northampton i have maintained contact with valley free radio, following up on some projects and responsibilites. realizing that this has distracted me from the work that i want to be working on here, i decided on monday to unsubscribe from the station's e-mail list and start to move on. approximately 15 minutes after my confirmation message that googlegroups had removed me from both the discussion and announcement lists i received another e-mail welcoming me to the wooden shoe books listserve.

i had recently submitted the form to volunteer at philly's formidable radical bookstore/infoshop and apparently they just added me to their email list to keep me up to date on events, meetings, and the global anarchist struggle. part of me is nervous about volunteering at wooden shoe. partially it stems from my past experience in madison where i was unemployed, floundering for months, while volunteering at rainbow bookstore cooperative after just missing out on getting hired as paid staff member when i first moved there. but i think i can balance some volunteer work with paid projects and hopefully my experience there will fuel and inspire the other work i'm doing.

still waiting for my final paycheck from evolution, by the way...

back "home" after a field trip to "the" city

returning "home" from a lovely field trip to nyc, i reflect on my first full week in philly. there were ups and downs, challenges and celebratory moments. i'm stressed about my checking account dipping into double digits with no source of income in sight. meanwhile my incompetent former-boss has yet to mail me my final paycheck. food not bombs dinner at the a-space, an inspiring performance by bread and puppet theater, and a vibrant discussion at the wooden shoe (local anarchist bookstore) about the recent insurrection in greece feed my passion and remind me of this city's infinite potential. amazing to spend quality time with my sweetheart without worries of imminent departures, bus schedules and craigslist rideshares looming over us. still not sure where i will be living in february or whether or not i will be able to afford to live period, but fairly optimistic that something will work out. it always seems to, right?

nyc. we took the city by storm friday night after deciding not to navigate the subway deep into the bowels of brooklyn to erik petersen's mischief brew set at a house show. instead, we walked around lower manhattan in disgust and awe of the spectacle that permeates the streets. we sought out pockets of resistance finding ourselves sipping coffee and reading the onion in the low-lit cafe that was once a record/bookstore; a show raging in the bar below. we were on a date. we meandered our way toward washington square park and had dinner at one of the neighboring vegetarian establishments before indulging in cupcakes. we eventually retreated to the subway toward park slope where we were staying for the weekend with lv's friend tal.

on saturday we walked all over brooklyn and ran into some familiar faces, while meeting some new ones. surly northampton baristas transplanted to this strange urban world, prince and pearl jam rotating on the stereo. a bizarre afternoon children's birthday party at a neighborhood bar. heart racing, i resisted the urge to steal all of their cupcakes. spicy mexican dinner and kindly discounted red velvet cake was followed by an incredible event to benefit make/shift magazine.

hosted in a ft. greene apartment of supporter's the rsvp benefit featured readings from contributors and a chance to meet the magazine's editors who were visiting from LA. after coincidences, surprise people, and networking the reading began. halfway through the first person's piece i felt my nose running which was strange since i did not have a cold. sure enough, my fingers appeared bloody after inspecting the situation, lv was horrified as we sat there silently. i felt like every eyeball in the crowded living room was focused on my nostrils as napkins were procured as i tilted my head back, or forward..."wait, which one is it?" this hasn't happened in 9 years! i retreated to the bathroom after the first reader was done deconstructing the movies of al pacino and diane keaton. every word was torture until it ended. the blood stopped flowing and i thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the event. so glad we made it, really.

after walking the snowy streets and flawlessly riding the controversial G train we made for the last song of khira's band behavior. it was their first show and cho's variety was packed wall to wall with a disturbing ratio of northampton bodies, which michelle pointed out when she eventually arrived. i had a great night and an overall fun time in "the" city.

navigating the (un)comfort zone

this doesn't seem like winter. i don't know what it feels like; an androgynous season in this strange new city. i feel emotionally grounded but completely alienated from almost everything that surrounds me. taking out library books on the history of the city is my attempt to have some sort control, or at least greater understanding of this urban environment.

how is it so far? i don't even know how to answer this question honestly to myself. i'm alone most of the day but i don't feel lonely yet because i'm getting work done. i have friends here that i just haven't made the effort to reconnect with yet. i don't miss my old home too much yet, but i know i will. i'm focusing more on the impending visit to nyc with lv this weekend and reuniting with good friends there.

for now, i try to scrape together a routine, to sculpt together a comfort zone in this foreign complex land that's mostly intimidating as hell. and i continue to balance on the tight rope of excitement and fear...

northampton to philadelphia

if i ever fall sleep i'll remember my dream,
where everybody's there and nobody leaves
-mischief brew

i think back to last monday, the last monday of 2008. after doing my final radio show and completing my last shift at evolution cafe, emily picked me up at the apartment that i had been living in for over 3 years. when i got in her car she wanted to wish me happy birthday but she paused and realized that even though we were heading to my party it was to commemorate something bittersweet. my going away party was fun but emotionally exhausting with all of those hugs goodbye. i wanted to have it on monday so i would have all day tuesday to get all of my shit together and be ready to hit the road early wednesday morning.

i am the biggest procrastinator in the world. i'm always scheming ways to extend deadlines to put things off even longer until the absolute very latest moment they can get done. it's embarassing. i got off to a late start on tuesday and spent a leisurely morning/afternoon doing laundry and beginning to excavate my bedroom. emily lent me her car when she got out of work in the evening and, with some help from pauly, i packed it with an assortment of belongings to store at my grandmother's house in westfield. i didn't arrive at her house until quarter of 9:00 after a stressful drive alone on 91 and the masspike in which i left a number of frantic voicemail messages for people in my life that i wished were in the passenger seat providing moral support. that's waht the ride home looked like too, except i took the back way, and was a little sorer after carrying everything up to the third floor of her house.

emily and i agreed to leave northampton at 6:00 am to drive to avoid the impending snow storm. by the time 2:00 rolled around i was faced with the reality of staying up all fucking night as piles of material possessions and refuse surrounded me, closing in on my sanity. i was able to take an hour-long power nap at 3:30 which proved to be the difference between making it to philly before the new year. i made countless trips from my fourth floor apartment to the dumpster out back, in the eerie, cold silence of pre-dawn. i sent emily a desperate, apologetic text message at 5:45 explaining that even though i stay up most of the night packing i would not be ready at 6:00 but was aiming for 6:30. i picked her up at 7:00 just as the snow started to fall on this town i was leaving for good. we drove back to my house only to begin loading the car up together and to finish desposing of the last pile of weekly papers i had been hoarding since 2006. we finally got on the highway at 8:00 after brushing the snowing off her car. we hit the road and proceeded to plunge through the state of connecticut at a tortoise-like 30 mph.

we finally arrived in sunny, snowless philadelphia around 5:00 pm. driving over the delaware river we marvelled at the dramatic sunset and it's reflection off the city's triumphant skyline. i pointed out how weird it is that this will be my new home. so strange. we landed in west philly right before lv got home from work with a prime parking spot right in front of her apartment. i felt like half a human as we all carried in my stuff that filled up emily's massive trunk, before taking a much deserved nap. feeling more human, i got dressed up fancy with lv before we headed to a lovely dinner party in heath's bedroom. i managed to stay up until midnight and almost got kicked out of gojo's for wearing a "happy new year" plastic tierra instead of the more gender-conforming plastic top hat. 2009 had arrived and i was ready to crash. the longest day of my life had culminated with a kiss in this new city and a new year.

monday hearts

it's monday morning and i'm starting a new job, sort of. for the past 3 years, my usual monday would look something like this: wake up around 8:00, bike 3.5 miles to the florence community center to do my radio show from 9-10, do some work at the station or get coffee with tony before going to work at evolution at 11, work til 6ish.

this monday is a completely different beast despite waking up around the same time: i made coffee and oatmeal for sweetheart and then after she left for work i made my way down the street to the satellite cafe (sort of the haymarket of west philly) where i now find myself, struggling to be productive, to approach the projects i'm working on as a full-time job that my life is structured around. in 2 hours i will be checking out a room in a house in the neighborhood that i might move into before the end of the month. this is my new life in philly that i am slowly adjusting too. i miss the old mondays but am embracing this new one.

tony sent me an e-mail around 9:30 informing me that the last episode of passions and survival that i recorded last monday was being replayed this morning, just in case some listeners missed my final show. maybe next monday too. and even though i will be here in this strange new city each monday, my heart will be on the airwaves and in florence and in northampton with people that i miss so much.

it's the dawning of a new era

i shouldn't even be writing this. there's too much to do. literally. there are more tasks than minutes left before i leave, but i've been wanting to do this for a while now.

despite saying it over and over again the past week, the fact that i am moving to philadelphia tomorrow is still completely surreal. so is leaving northampton. that felt a little more tangible this morning as i woke up to bare walls and piles of belongings in my bedroom. i spent the afternoon excavating the closet in which i have collected clothes in over the past 3 years.

yesterday was fun but exhausting with all of the emotional goodbyes and see-you-laters. in the morning i did my final radio show after producing "passions and survival" almost every monday since january 2006. then i had breakfast with my mom before working my final shift at evolution. so many endings making way for new beginnings.

i had a lot of fun at my going away party and really appreciated all of the great friends that came out for it to sing karaoke. i walked home after the snow dusted over northampton and was in awe of its beauty. a friend who lives in minnesota now recently pointed out that northampton looks really gorgeous when you're leaving it. well, i'll miss you dearly but don't worry...i'll be back to visit often!

i will be waking up soon and driving to philly with my best friend here who i will miss so much, emily gallagher. how amazing is it that she offered to give me a ride on new year's eve? here's to a new era...

nourish

what a moment. when so many things in one's life are up in the air, when destiny is determined by countless variables that are all seemingly at odds with each other, every day produces a series of newsflashes: the gas almost got turned out, we decided to just tell the landlord we're moving out and not pay rent this month, my brother didn't get the job, etc.

after another visit to the city that i will soon be calling home, i'm still trying hard to make it all seem real in my head. i keep looking at the calendar: "december," it keeps reading back to me. okay. it helps a little. it also reads: "nourish," which is a lot more helpful.

somehow, we're going to have to remove everything from this apartment that i've lived in for the past 3 years. i've received advice about chopping up the huge desk in my bedroom. i guess i could try to sell things that i don't need, but i seem to be horrible at things that involve acquiring money. hmmm...

i also need to have my mail forwarded, cancel gas and electricity, find someone take over fundraising at the radio station and all the other logistical drudgery involved with moving away that's probably painfully boring to read about.

i reminded myself today about the pledge i made to myself earlier this year to leave my minimum wage job before the new year. i'm doing it! that gave me a boost.

it's happening.

last month in northampton

wake up. wake up. wake up. it's the first of the month...

my last month in northampton. it hasn't really set in yet that i'm about to make this gigantic life move, but it felt a bit more real waking up this morning. walking the streets, i reflect on the past 3 1/2 years here and what it means to be leaving this town. i know i'm ready for change, and i know that i can also come back to visit. i have a lot to do, but i'm ready for the challenge.

alone again, four years later

my voice is slowly returning to normal. during the two nights i spent in new hampshire earlier this week i drank hundreds of gallons of filtered water, and went through at least a dozen bags of herbal tea. i also ate lots of homemade cookies and pie and a third of a tofurky. maybe it all got balanced out, i'm not sure. my voice got scratchier and more painfully pubescent as the night grew later. when the period that free cellphone minutes arrived, and my sweetheart was free to chat, my words were awkward skeletons straining to breathe dusty air.

returning to northampton in the middle of another dubious national holiday yesterday, i marvelled at the deserted streets. i got dropped off at home and didn't leave until well after the sun set and then rose again. i spent a delightful afternoon and evening alone, not straining my voice, doing as i pleased with no agenda to speak of. i grabbed my guitar and then halfway through a song grabbed a book on my bookshelf that caught my eye. i simultaneously strummed a chord and read a quote from an old professor of mine on the psychology of racism. i made tea, baked a pretzel, did whatever i pleased with the bathroom door open. i wore layers and comfortable sat around with the heat off.

i could've spent the day on cape cod with my dad or walked through the streets of plymouth mourning the ongoing genocide of native peoples. but i was content in my solitude, taking care of myself, getting healthy again.

making sense of last week

last week commemorated the births of two people i'm related to and those of countless others, close and distant; along with the death of someone loved by someone i now love, and saw the death of the father of someone i work with.

it officially became cold. tension and conflict permeated the frigid air. miscommunication, straight up insults, threats of lawsuits, ignoring inappropriate friend requests--all commenced as we layered up, armed with mittens, scarfs, and winter hats. is this winter?

last week i was centered, immune to it all. i surprised the surprisers. triumphant, until i began coughing and sniffling. and now today i found myself making your lunch with gloves, my nose dripping, my vocal chords unable to articulate the words transmitted from my brain. we were all damaged in our own special way, but i left early and haven't left home since.

survive

sitting together in anticipation, we slowly flip the next page of the calendar: survive. the crows stand defiantly in the puddles, staring up at the emerging sun as it begins to drown out the ominous storm clouds surrounding them. the prospects of a new year are like those beams of light radiating from the sun. it's still raining on us. our feet are wet. but soon the tunnels will recede and everything will be fresh, new and, most importantly, close. we are invincible.

dreaming of insomniacs

shake me out of my comfort zone. feed my brain with seeds of a new world. there's too much at stake right now to sit on our asses watching romantic comedies. give me your words and i'll turn it into a song. join me at the grand opening of the corporate clothing store on main street and help me hand out molotov cocktail-shaped candies to teenage consumers. bring the wheat paste recipe tonight and we'll cover the town with our maps of picnic tables. meet me at my favorite one, where we'll conduct interviews at 12:30 am. the day after tomorrow is today.

we're all presidents: election night part two

we had already bounced all over downtown, but we needed a change of scenery. we needed a better setting to witness the big speech. i'm sure for some it was exhausting, but i really appreciated how on that night the only thing on people's lips was politics. it was a glimpse of what it's like in countries with a richer, more informed year round political culture. a contagious sense of participation and purpose permeated the streets, workplaces, schools, bars, and cafes--in northampton and all across the country.

we briskly walked across town as hundreds of thousands of chicagoans eagerly awaited the historic speech in grant park. when we arrived at the backroom of packards to an enthusastic crowd that had graciously saved us a seat to view the big screen tv on the wall. minutes later obama began his speech. despite my mixed, even ambivalent feelings about his victory i have to admit to being moved in that moment.

returning to the warm november night outside, honking cars and screams of joys came from all directions. i decided to embrace it by borrowing a guitar from a kid sitting on main street across from city hall. i belted out the only song that made sense:

we're all presidents. we're all congressmen. we're all cops in waiting. we're the workers of the world. there is the elite and the dispossessed. and it's only about survival. who has skill to play the game for all it's worth. and reach an obscure kind of perfection.

just before we reached the point in the song where the guitar drops out and handclaps take over, a police officer walked up to us and asked if i had a permit. he commanded me to stop playing. after he left, we resumed singing with handclaps:

and we rock. because it's us against them. we found our own reasons to sing...

we continued to sing other songs and keep the handclaps going as we walked to the dance party. the small crowd outside the basement was quietly smoking cigarettes when we showed up, still singing. but inside it was an epic celebration. we danced as hard as we could to "you can get it if you really want" and "let me clear my throat." when the ceo of the iron horse entertainment group, the owner of this building we danced in, arrived i had a thought that he might not be as excited as the rest of us.

if president obama does, as he promised on the campaign trail, to roll back bush's tax cuts for the wealthy this may negatively impact small-town capitalist eric suher. feeling fiesty, i approached him after using the bathroom to express my condolences for this potential threat to his assets. "what?!" he replied, caught off guard. "i said, i'm sorry to hear that you may lose your tax break under the new president." grumbling something inaudible beneath the booming dance beats, he was visibly angered. i smiled and just danced away.

we left a little early only to discover a smaller, but just as spirited dance party on the street. "groove is in the heart" played from a boombox as passerby smiled and cheered, some joining us. "what is love" began and we walked into the night, embracing the potential of a new future.

spinning on that dizzy edge

last night was fun. in places like west philly, detroit, new orleans, harlem, and obviously chicago a collective bonfire of joy spread into the streets, triumphantly raging into the wee hours. in northampton it was more like an organic scented candle of relief, but we made the most of it.

as the returns came in and john mccain prepared his concession speech, we ran down the street for some live karaoke. i decided earlier that i had to sing. it had just been too long. after the band's intermission was over i chose a song from the piles of lyric sheets strewn across the bar. "surrender" by cheap trick--an appropriate lullaby for the arizona senator as his supporters, that angry sea of white in phoenix, booed obama's name.

"we played that one earlier," the guitarist informed me. "sorry."

someone else came up and sang a beatles song. i came back up with my second choice: "say it ain't so" by weezer. again for mr. mccain. but again, a song they had already played during their first set. crazy, no? so finally i chose a more celebratory tune that was a non-repeat: "just like heaven," by the cure. as i sung from the stage with this live band i thought less about the election results and more about the person i missed so much who was celebrating three states away:

show me how you do that trick. the one that makes me scream, she said. the one that makes me laugh, she said. and threw her arms around my neck. show me how you do it. and i promise you. i promise that i'll run away with you. i'll run away with you.

my performance was followed by hotel california, replete with wanking guitar solos, as the number of people smoking cigarettes outside outnumbered those watching the music. it was clearly time to move on and to witness history.

we can all fly

let's create soundtracks to this moment. an amalgamation of your most meaningful songs of fall with mine. we'll break into that beautiful abandoned church and play these songs from the rusty boombox we found on the street, singing along at the top of our lungs. this is our last chance to not get caught.

i hope to learn more about the pronunciation of rivers, the best bicycle routes, and secret cupcake shops. and i know that you'll expertly teach me all of it. we will learn more together. we'll lay in the park, protected by the most ferocious of guard dogs, excavating the sky for cloud bunnies and horses. they all look like horses.

i close my eyes and we are rolling around in the snow, smiles ear to ear. it's cold, but we're not.

chinatown bus & craigslist rideshare

exactly 9 hours after leaving philly i return to my home in northampton. as always, the trip was completely worth it. and despite the absurd amount of time spent enroute it was so much less stressful and traumatic (emotionally and financially) than the last time.

we were kurt and courtney for halloween. my voice was shot from singing along to every word of the misfits and minor threat (and some jawbreaker) cover bands in that west philly basement. i saw people from bard, northampton and other areas of my life as the universe shrunk just a little more. with some of them, i was too uncomfortable to say hello with my costume so i sort of avoided them. eventually, i felt confident enough being "the girl with most cake" and greeted dan berger, explaining who i was underneath the hot mess before we hugged and caught up. being there was important. it made me realize that there's a really vibrant community there that i can be a part of if i want. that i can sing-along with and maybe collaborate in all kinds of other ways.

the rest of the visit was pretty magical and i'm excited about january. congrats to lv for getting a job! everything is so ripe for potential right now. eating apple cobbler and drinking cider i think, exhale, and realize how lucky i am.