on (not) keeping it cool

at the end of this past month, i went "home" for the holidays. waking up early on christmas eve, i drove my sister's car to a small deli in the town where we grew up to get a few items for breakfast.

hey punk!

at first, i couldn't tell if this voice was directed at me as i walked to the end of the narrow grocery aisle. 

yeah, i'm talking to you, it continued.

i looked up to see a friendly, familiar face--the guitarist/vocalist of my favorite local band when i was 14 years old. there we stood, almost two decades later catching up. he self-deprecatingly announced that he has stuck around all these years, "living the dream." i told him how i've been in philly for a while now and he asked if i was still playing music. to which i responded that every new year i hope to start a band again...but never do. maybe this will be the year?

he's been recording stuff in his basement and he unenthusiastically promised to send me a link to his bandcamp page. as i was driving back to my sister's house i thought about how great his band was back in the day. and later on i listened to their discography as i wrapped presents; fond memories of that diy community of my youth rushing back to me. 

but i also wondered, why couldn't i tell him that? why did i mostly just feel sadness for his current situation, past glories collecting dust as he ages further into obscurity? perhaps if we shared these sentiments with each other more often it wouldn't be this way. 

how come our culture pressures us to keep it so cool? why are we discouraged from honestly sharing how much we respect and appreciate the people that have touched our lives? 

a couple weeks later, i found myself working at the radical bookstore in philly. the phone rang and the man on the end was looking to speak to someone who took care of ordering. i asked if he was looking to place an order and he responded, "i do a zine called cometbus and i was wondering if you all needed more copies of the back issues?"

and i kept it cool.

on the phone with aaron cometbus, one of the most legendary zine writers of the underground punk world, i remained calm and professional, despite becoming slightly friendlier as i counted the number of back issues on our shelf. 

after i hung up the phone i wondered, why did i keep it so cool? even though i demonstrated that i was familiar with his zine, why did i not feel comfortable saying how much i appreciated his work over the decades? maybe it's because i just assumed he knows and didn't want to hear it. he probably gets that all the time, right?

but what about my friend from my home town? and what about people from the past that are no longer with us? those that we now recognize as creative geniuses, but who--in their time--either toiled in obscurity themselves or struggled with mental health issues that prevented them from realizing their own greatness. 

as my friend ak thompson recently wrote about radical feminist icon shulamith firestone after she quietly passed away in 2012:

No mention is ever made of our collective failure, of the gulf between our willingness to concede Firestone's brilliance and our incapacity to realize a single one of her goals. Under venal conditions such as these, who in their right mind wouldn't retreat?

so, i think it's time for us to stop keeping it cool. let's remember to tell the people in our lives that we love and appreciate them. and let's stop being afraid to tell those whose creative and political work has inspired us that they should never give up and that what they do truly matters to us. 

we all deserve much more. 

new year/full moon

a lot people have anxiety about new year's; the intense social expectations to have fun and make meaningful resolutions for the year ahead.

i love new year's. i love celebrating with the most important people in my life. i love creating a more mindful space to reflect on where i have been and to consciously dream about where i would like to go. i love new beginnings. and i love a good party.

but this year was a little different. my current life in philadelphia feels plagued by stagnation so i decided i wanted to celebrate new year's elsewhere. but then after spending holiday time with family i came back to drop my luggage off and soon realized that i couldn't afford to leave.

so i just made the best of it. i entertained a few party possibilities where friends might be. and then, the night before, reality came crushing down on me reminding me how much i'm ready to move on, more forward, and challenge myself once again. i needed a new year's of solitude to think it all through.

so i made soup. i read and played my guitar. and i reorganized the desk in my bedroom--the one where i finally finished writing my master's thesis this past year. listening to the new throwback hip hop station on my radio, as the night went on, i separated a massive pile of recycled paper from year-old christmas cards and other personal items to save.

and then at midnight i turned off my lights and enjoyed the new year fireworks from my third-floor bedroom window. the impressive show exploded in front of the ben franklin bridge for several minutes. and i was alone, but it felt just right.

* * *

a few days later the first full moon of the new year arrived. yesterday also saw unseasonably warm weather in philly which combined for an extra weird day.

in the late morning, before i biked through light rain to my job, one of the active collective members of the bookstore where i volunteer announced over the listserve that she was leaving the collective. her message simply listed all of the responsibilities that other people would now need to take on in her absence.

less than an hour later, i arrived at the coffeeshop where i work to pay the bills. i was immediately informed that the newest worker (who started in the fall) had been fired that morning.

i stared at the new 2015 calendar as i washed dishes in the back and saw that, sure enough, it was a full moon: upheaval. endings. transitions. but also, new beginnings. new possibilities abound right now.

exhausted after a long shift, i went to bed early last night. in the middle of the night i woke up to the clearing sky giving way to the bright, raging moon pouring into my room. and i couldn't fall back asleep for more than an hour.

i was awoken again a few hours later by a brilliant sunrise through another window. a new day has begun. and i'm ready.

it might be nice to let some things go

she invited us to participate in this ritual
write something down
and release it
into the fire pit.

i let go of those people around me
i don't ever want to talk that way again
i don't want to know people like that anymore

i let go of the person i have started to become
and me and my friends 
are just growing 
into the drunks and the liars 
that we've always hated.

i released it all
into the fire pit
burn
burn
burn.

autumnal searching (2014 edition)

the seasons have changed once again. i find myself in the same house i moved into ("temporarily") one year ago. i'm done with school and i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing with my life now. anything is possible which is exciting/overwhelming. for now, i'm a barista with a masters degree in search of a new adventure.

returning to the summit/transcending self-sabotage

CorinaDross.com

back to that summit again. i'm so close. and yet, psychologically, so far away. but this is when everything changes. this is when i fully return to this project and to being a student. and soon, i will reach that summit and celebrate with an epic dance party.

over lunch we plot against our shared tendencies to procrastinate on the things that matter in our lives. we recognize these patterns for what they truly are: self-sabotage. we are that snake infinitely consuming its own body.

but no more.

today, i gain the strength to transcend this self-sabotage and actualize my wildest dreams.

that summit is too fucking close to turn back now.

winter residency of the mind

two years ago i began the masters program at goddard. that february, i took the train up to the campus in plainfield, vermont for the first time. and now, two years and 4--well, 3 and a half--semesters later, i find myself at my temporary home in philadelphia and not on campus graduating. i am missing the residency this week. sure, i deeply miss the friends and mentors who are currently gathered there, but also the residency itself and the opportunities that it provides. it has proven impossible to even try to replicate that experience here; that combination of intellectual (as well as social) immersion and solitude that i thrive on so much. but this is when things need to shift. i need to seriously return to the thesis and its vision over the next month. it is the most important thing in my life right now and i have to prevent other forces from trying to deny that.

this is what truly matters.

it's the end of another year

another year, fading away. i look ahead toward new beginnings and realize that i need to make things happen. more creating and less consuming in 2014. more challenges beyond the comfort zone. the challenge to be conscious in the present moment.

i don't want to be at lunch some day in the future just casually mentioning that the past decade has just flown by. like a blurry blink of 10 years of life.

i want more.

10 feet from the summit

another thanksgiving has arrived--another day of mourning. it was 9 years ago this week that i started writing here, almost one decade ago. and i'm still here. still writing. still mourning. still navigating this profoundly cruel and unjust world. but also still giving thanks for all the beauty and inspiration, for all the amazing people i have known and loved during this time.

so 9 years later, i find myself living in philadelphia; in the third neighborhood of my nearly 5 year journey here. my life is completely up in the air right now. i'm sitting in the waiting room, struggling to finish, now, my first draft of the master's thesis by next wednesday morning. everything is completely on hold until that is complete. from now until then, i will immerse myself in the writing. i will get into the zone and make this happen.

i just got off the phone with my sister who shared something very helpful from her experience in art school. one of her professors looked at a series of paintings she had done and responded, "it's as if you were 10 feet from the summit and then just turned around and went home." 

10 feet from the summit.

that's where i'm at now. after nearly two years of this low-residency program at goddard i am so close to being done. almost there. and yet lately, my focus and determination has been nonexistent. i have felt isolated from the process. i need to treat this challenging task ahead the same way i approached moving out of my house and into my current living space early last month. i didn't over-prepare. i just focused my determination on accomplishing what urgently need to get done. and i did it, despite everything. despite trips to the emergency room and parking tickets. i made it happen.

after this task ahead is complete next week, i will be free to figure out what the fuck i am doing with my life. i will update my resume, research job openings in philly and beyond, and spend most of my time writing cover letters and pursuing something new. a new life.

for now, i'm 10 feet from the summit. but i'm not turning around.  

leave(s)

fall has arrived and i'm ready to change with the leaves. embracing all the upheaval, the crumbling of foundations long taken for granted. i walk all around this city now, my bicycle broken and quietly resting in the parlour of my temporary living space. walking, we notice the details of the changes going on around us. yes, the leaves do change colors in the city. they are bright and then earth-toned...and then dead. i walk miles to sit in a coffeeshop, one that i will be not getting paid minimum wage to be inside. sitting there, gazing out the window, instead of diligently writing, i see the one face i would prefer to never see again pass by. it's unclear whether we made eye contact or not. but in that moment, i think to myself: i need to get the fuck out of here. i should leave. and fantasies of starting a new life in a new place are so comforting. like the change of the seasons. but for now, i am here. and i am writing. i am changing.

supervising myself, against all odds

i'm sitting at my desk in my new room, looking out onto my new neighborhood as the sun begins to set once again. another day. another massive challenge and nothing to show for it. i'm feeling pathetic. this is my last chance to get my first draft of my thesis to my advisor and i can't even begin to write. not a single word. what the fuck is wrong with me? i think back to 6th grade. sitting at my childhood desk in my bedroom 20 years ago, i struggled to write my report on the man-o-war jellyfish. i missed the due date and my authoritarian social studies teacher marked me down. then i think back to my first year living in northampton, struggling to write an article about an antiwar protest that was overdue for a friend's website. i was getting paid for that one, but i still couldn't find the focus or determination to make it happen. then my dear friend liz accompanied me to the public computer lab at smith college's library. she graciously acted as my chaperone, making sure i kept on track. sitting behind me, she kept looking up from her graphic novel, providing much needed supervision until i finished the article. eventually, i wrote it. and then we were free to leave. liz saved my life and i will forever be thankful for that. before i go to bed tonight i need to somehow find the strength and the focus to write a rough draft of the main body of my thesis. then i will wake up in the morning, pump out a draft of the concluding chapter, put it all together and send it off to my advisor before i head to my coffeeshop job in the afternoon.

inhale. exhale.

i can do this.

wow.

one month ago i fell off my bike. i fell as a result of a driver's reckless behavior. when they drove directly through a red light just ahead of me, along my route to work, i slowed down in disbelief. i turned my head as they continued driving south to yell the only word that made sense: "WOW." i then lost balance and hit the pavement with my bike. i scrapped my left elbow and then, with most of my body weight, landed on my right hand. with adrenaline racing through my bloodstream, i rose back on my feet and hopped on my feet and back on my bike. wow. i biked the remaining two blocks to work with my right handlebar slightly bent, my elbow bleeding, and my right wrist sore. i made it through my work shift despite everything, thanks to some pain relievers, a bandage, and a lot of extra help from my sweet coworker.

a month later, the scab on my elbow has almost disappeared, but my wrist is still pretty fucked up. sometimes our bodies heal like we expect them too. other times, they need some assistance. our wrists are made up of dozens of tiny bones and tendons and some of the pieces of my right wrist are still damaged, one month later. as one of the millions of americans without health insurance, i do not have access to a doctor to fix this. and even the community acupuncture clinic in my neighborhood is not an option for me financially right now.

so i wait. i patiently let my body heal itself as i walk around the city now. i walk everywhere and embrace the new perspectives offered as a pedestrian. i slow down and turn my head, and say to myself, "wow." does it really have to be like this?

revolt against adulthood

i turned 32 in april and i've spent the whole year thinking about 10 years ago, back to when i was finishing college. in that last semester, spring 2003, i decided to just do everything: write most of my senior project, save the old gym, try to stop a war, and even start a new band. i was fueled by radical ambition and i made it all happen. everything seemed possible.

10 years later, i returned to that college where i graduated at age 22. there's too much to say about the reunion here, although that story will  be told, but i do want to mention the driving theme heading into that experience and which defined last weekend for me: forging a balance between navigating the responsibilities of being in one's 30's and a dedication to redefining, or even revolting again, adulthood. escaping the trap of what-are-you-up-to-now? conversations, i squatted the reunion.

a few nights after i returned to philly, i realized that something i need in my life now is new challenges, new experiences, and to push myself into the unknown, out of the comfort zone i have sculpted this past decade.

this year, i will be writing a new thesis and finishing a masters program. it is what lies beyond this that will offer what i need. something bigger. something radically ambitious.

a season for new ideas

"for me, the fall is always a time of new ideas," she said as i paid for my coffee.

i like that. a season of new ideas. and here we are: immersed in the fall, embracing autumnal insights and revelations. we are ready for new ideas, new music, new experiences.

new everything.

but we also need to look back, to reflect. this is also a season of introspection.

the day before the multi-billion dollar 2012 election, one of my old little league pals from cape cod died of a heart attack at the tragically young age of 32. it doesn't make any sense that nick desimone is no longer alive on this planet with us. when something horrific like that happens it helps you put into perspective all the petty bullshit in your life and serves as a reminder of what really matters--namely the people we love and love us. don't take any of that for granted.

my heart goes out to nick's loved ones and family, especially his dad lenny who was the best fucking t-ball coach ever.

in other thoughts, i am finishing up my second semester of grad school. my winter break begins the first week of december and i don't return to goddard again until mid-february. during this time i will be starting research for my thesis, including a revisit of my "passions and survival" project. i will also be revising an essay for my progress review on developing a radical "right livelihood" beyond capitalism. it will be nice to have this time to catch up on my work and get back on track before my final year of the program begins.

until then, cheers to new ideas.

 

conquering today

my final packet of the semester is due today. here i am at grindcore house to finally confront this situation. part of the psychology of procrastination is the denial of reality. we convince ourselves that everything is just fine, our hands covering our eyes as we begin to approach the cliff ahead of us. today, i am opening my eyes up and embracing the fierce urgency of NOW. today is about getting shit done and being in the zone. it's also about demystification and conquering self-destruction. taking away the power from fucked up dyanamics and fucked up tendencies that get in the way of our own liberation. those things that become barricades to realizing our dreams. today, we tear them down and keep moving ahead...

conscious unemployment & the paradox of freedom

it's been over a month now since i quit my job. two days after my last day i found myself on a plane to chicago to write about the protests there between may day and the NATO summit. every day i was there i tried to be grateful of the situation, of not having to go to work at this place that made me miserable for four months. of course i also started missing philly and looking forward to leaving. 3 weeks is a long time to visit one place.

now i'm back in philly. i'm focusing on the end of my first semester in grad school, prioritizing being a student while i can. i have just enough money saved up to sort of scrape by through, at least some of, the summer. so here i am, consciously unemployed. i'm free. but this first week back in philly has been a struggle. when you don't have to be somewhere, to punch the clock everyday it is up to you to stay focused and be productive. in theory this moment is all about reading and writing all the time, eating and breathing my studies. but when you're free, it's hard not to enslave yourself with destructive (or at least unhealthy) tendencies.

in a repressive culture where we are conditioned to follow orders, we become dependent on our own unfreedom. in these rare moments of empowerment and liberation, we tend to self-sabotage ourselves by pursuing the things that are bad for us because, well, we can do whatever the fuck we want.

but this is not inevitable. part of being consciously unemployed is resisting this tendency and demonstrating that we do not have to be dependent on hierarchical instituitions ordering us around and structuring our lives by their clocks and bank accounts. we have the capacity to control our own lives, and yes, to be free.

two-thousand-twelve: this is what adulthood looks like

i guess i missed the deadline for reflecting on 2011. oh well. i have already moved on. after a year of profound personal change, challenge, and growth, i am embracing the potential of this new year. this fresh start couldn't have arrived any sooner. if 2011 was defined by loss, introspection and the recognition of unhealthy patterns, 2012 is all about moving beyond these lessons learned and actualizing my desires.

one week ago, i began this year waking up in a very adult bedroom. this person's living space exuded a "i-totally-have-my-shit-together" aesthetic. even though i will likely never return to this bedroom, i was inspired by this monument of adulthood and see it as a metaphor for what lies ahead in my year.

i already feel like more of an adult now than i did in december. after working the last 8 and a half months of 2011 washing dishes at a cafe, i now find myself a very different situation. for the first time in my adult life i have a job where i am earning a living wage. when my roommate kyle moved back to his hometown in massachusetts at the end of december i took over his position doing food deliveries for big-shot catering company in philly. the material benefits have already manifested in the form of a workable (hell, even fancy) phone, a bike helmet that will actually protect my brains, pants without holes, and a new stylish winter jacket.

this is what adulthood looks like.

not the voracious accumulation of material possessions. i'm talking about the ability to provide oneself with basic human needs. over the past 8 years the inabilty to do so has, in many ways, preventing me from following my dreams. when you are stressing out about paying bills it is often difficult to go beyond that point, to realizing the impossible. we are trapped in a monthly loop of phone calls from debt collectors, piles of recycled warning letters, shitty food, and a psychological block around escaping this fate.*

on december 30th, appropriately, i worked my final shift at the cafe, closing out a challenging year of starts and stops, confusion and revelation. on january 6th of this new year, i finally submitted my application to goddard college's masters in individualized studies program. after months and months of talking about this plan i finally put it all together and sent it out. i will likely begin my graduate eduation next month with the program's week-long residency. and i will be one step closer to actualizing my dreams.

this is what adulthood looks like.

*[of course, i am just speaking from my own experience here. i have had the privilege of only needing to take care of myself (ie: not supporting a family) and also being part of a really amazing, supportive community of friends and family.]

closure/possibilties

sometimes closure can serve as a catalyst. in these often painful moments when reality is turned on its head, we have no other choice but to accept, to move on--and from there, the possibilities are limitless. and this is where i have been standing for the past month. (well, more like dancing and exploring than a state of immobility). in the space of clarity and revelation i have an opportunity to discover who i am and what i truly want out of my life. and it's not an easy process, but it feels good.

last day of summer, or the return of may 2005

as far as the calendar is concerned, today is the last day of summer--the autumnal equinox lurking just beyond sunset. but come september we are generally ready for a new era, for new beginnings. even if it is still 80 degrees and sunny.

even on the best days in september/it's hard to find my peace of mind

on the last day of august, it hit me that many of my aspects of my current life in philly eerily mirror my reality in madison over 6 years ago. i wrote down a list of things that are identical to my final month in the midwest, in the spring of 2005:

-fucking broke/in debt/un(der)-employed
-registered with a temp agency with unfortunate, demoralizing results
-heartache across distance/attempting to salvage a seemingly impossible long-distance relationship
-making plans to move to western massachusetts to live with a close, platonic female friend
-drinking heavily after a long period of sobriety
-involvement in local bookstore collective my primary commitment

crazy, huh? it's so interesting to discover the weird ways our histories repeat themselves. hopefully by reflecting on where i was at back then and the subsequent years that followed i can move in new directions. i want to go beyond the familiar and start a new. unlike 2005, i am committed to returning to school and am currently applying to goddard college's master in individualized studies program. trying to focus on that now, despite the weight of these other challenges. i am ready for the fall. 

impatiently patient

sitting in the waiting room lately. it's that gnawing mental state of disconnection from the present, from my immediate surroundings. something bigger and better does lie ahead, down the road, but reaching that point feels improbable, almost unattainable--as if this current moment will never end.

but there are glimpses of better things to come on the horizon. soon i will be sitting on the beach, back in the land where i grew up. very soon, actually. it's funny how time works though. we're so impatient and then the things we are desperately waiting for often arrive before we're even prepared for them.

i want to be more engaged in the world. i want to have more going on and begin to challenge myself again, to do new things and put myself out there. time to leave the waiting room and start pushing the boundaries.

moments of transition

this year is half over. after a challenging winter of both upheaval and stagnancy, the spring was a transitional moment, offering me an opportunity to begin the process of starting things over. after couch-surfing off and on for a month or so, i said goodbye to the apartment i had shared with lv in west philly. on march 17th--an unusually warm st. patrick's day--james helped me move all of my belongings into traci's car and then into my temporary, transitional residency in south philly. for the next 2 months i lived with traci's boss from a certain progressive lawyers' organization. he was moving out of the 3 bedroom row home he had rented for the past 3 years on june 1st and welcomed the company and donations (in the form of "rent") to said organization. the whole situation worked out really well for both of us.

moments of transition are important. they help us put things into perspective and prepare for the next era of our lives. that's where i'm at now. just as spring ended (commencing the second half of the year) and the tempatures climbed back into the 90's again, i moved just down the street, staying in south philly. i now live in a beautiful house with 4 other humans and 5 cats. this is where i want to be right now and it makes a lot of sense as i work towards going back to school. in navigating the bureaucracies of student loan debt and collections, i have come to terms with the reality that i must wait until next spring to start school. this will give me a little extra time to get ready on various levels, so it's probably a good thing. i'm applying to both temple university (master of liberal arts) and goddard college (master of individualized studies) and i think either way i will be happy. now that i have entered my 30's i'm just ready for the next level, the next epoch. the next challenge. i'm psyched.

(a line from that one song about living for the moment)

forget about doom and gloom. i don't want to be paralyzed by fear of the world outside of our safety bubbles, or the reckless fear of that world coming to an end. but i can't deny that things are getting scary here in the early 21st century--with tornadoes in places that have never seen tornadoes before, never-ending oilspill monstrosities, heatwaves that kill the human spirit, and air conditioners that kill the planetary immune system.

instead of hiding in fear, these things inspire me to work towards being as present as possible. i don't want to invest everything in an uncertain future. i want to actualize my dreams as soon as i can. i don't want to put them on lay-away. i want to live for today and tomorrow (and perhaps the next one). but not for a few years down the line, or a fucking decade from now. this is all we have. let's not take it for granted.

your responsible planning is irresponsible. let's be impatient.

birthdays, bagels, and graduations

past.
this past weekend, i found myself in new york city for the first time in far too long. it was nice to catch up with a few friends that live there, but the main purpose of the trip was to celebrate tyler's 30th birthday. i have known tyler, literally, my entire life so i would not have missed this for the world. waiting outside the turkish restaurant in astoria for the rest of the of the party to arrive, i called my brother and then had to hang up shortly after as tyler waved to me through a car window. a few seconds later i noticed a woman that looked a whole lot like tyler's mother who i hadn't seen in at least 5 years. and it was! she surprised him by flying up from austin, texas just for the occasion. his brother and father (also surprisingly) came down from massachusetts too, so the whole family--my sort of extended-neighbor family--was all present. it was great. after dinner we ended up at a latin dance club in queens. continuing a tradition that began last may, tyler's girlfriend grisel and her sisters and cousins sang along to all their favorite tunes from growing up in colombia and we all danced like crazy. in between dj sets, some latin rock groups played while a dvd of live ramones concerts played on all of the bar's tv screens. quite surreal. and amazing.

present.
this morning was bagel tuesday at the gym. even though i've been fighting off a cold the past couple days, i woke up determined to finally check out this monthly situation. it was nice that they provided free coffee as well, but the "bagels" were beyond disappointing. the thin-style they offered tasted exactly like a slightly thicker pita pocket--but even worse than that. this is all to say, i belong to a gym and that is weird and should be surprising to anyone reading this. i'm getting a little more comfortable being there, but the space is still foreign territory to me with its only particular culture and mores outside of my comfort zone; not dissimilar to casinos or stripclubs. despite this specific chain's commitment to being "safe" and a "judgement free zone," it is still a hypermasculine space with rigid gender norms and traditional, well, everything. i'm just trying to keep my heart healthy as i advance in years, and the price is right.

future. 
this coming weekend, my mother is graduating from elms in college in western mass in their rn to bsn program. we're all so proud of her. i'm taking the time off work so i can go up and celebrate. can't wait! my friend amanda, who i also work with now, is driving up to northampton for a bridal shower this weekend so we're gonna roadtrip it together from philly. i'm looking forward to seeing my family again, being there for my mom, and seeing some northampton friends sunday night. karaoke at bishop's anyone? 

an impending future of grad school

sometimes we have no choice but to focus on the future. and sometimes the future is only a couple months away. preparing for this moment can help us get through a present reality that is unfulfulling, or rife with day-to-day uncertainty. this vision inspires us to make it through, to make it happen.

my impending future begins in late-august. my vision is to return to studenthood, pursuing a masters degree. i am excited about dedicating my life toward one thing--a temporary autonomous zone free of neverending questions marks.

recently, i have had the state of vermont on my mind and began entertaining the idea, once again, of applying to goddard college as well as temple. the application deadline for both is mid-summer. both have start dates in august. when i woke up this morning i turned on the radio and an ad for temple's master of liberal arts (mla) program was playing on npr. i interpretted this as a peculiar sign, at least a mild inspiration for getting my shit together.

i'm just gonna go for it and apply to both programs over the next month. letters of recommendation will be requested, bureaucracies will be navigated, and a seemingly crippling personal financial situation will be addressed full-on. all in pursuit of a future of new possibilities.

past/present/future

if you got one foot in the past and one foot in the future, then you're pissing on the present.  -an ancient proverb

now that i have passed into my 30's and people all around me (myself including) are making, or are preparing to make, major life decisions i'm obsessed with how our present realities are informed by our past and/or by our potential futures.

here's a survey: what percentage of your life orientation is dedicated to living for the elusive present moment? how about focused on the past? what part of you is dedicated toward future plans?

go!

360 months

next month i will be passing a personal milestone. it will mark my 360th month living on this planet; also known as turning 30. i like the idea of 360 months though. it's sort of a metaphor about where one is at when they reach this moment: a full rotation into adulthood, preparing for the next stage in life.

it seems like that moment for me is all about starting over, beginning new things, and facing new challenges and dreams. i'm curious how my peers are feeling as they approach this 360 month mark. what are the things that excite you, or scare you? or do you think that this is just an arbitrary birthday, just as any other?

here's to taking our lives (and our dreams) seriously and embracing getting old.

function is the key

Ten years ago, a summer had been an eternity; now entire years were flying by in a blur interrupted only by deaths, marriages, and other catastrophes. There is no more commonplace observation than this, but to my knowledge no one has yet set out to study why children and adults experience the passing of time differently.

everything is changing all around me but i'm temporarily paralyzed, sitting in the proverbial waiting room. uncharacteristic indecision and uncertainty have taken over; along with a more familiar spontaneity. anything is possible: fear and excitement, confusion and ecstacy all dominate at once. i am both stuck and going everywhere. simultaneously moving and waiting; i am patient and in a fierce hurry. time is illusive and my strongest ally. sitting outside of town...

the best ideas survive

am i still dreaming? past tense armies of ghosts haunting places that are familiar but different. embarrasingly political in content, but also, not at all. the soundtrack is that midwest folk-punker, unknown outside of his college-town cafe and bar circuit: i'm gonna go out and fuck up my life tonight. sung with a fierce ambivalence. no siento. the fortunes of the frivolous.

but before you know it here i am again...tossing the couches of the rich into their indoor swimming pools, falling asleep just before sunrise. these pictures of you branded onto my vision even after closing my eyes. i never want to wake up.

it was a truly happy village where no one was over thirty years of age and where no one had died.

super movements and the ascent into adulthood

i've been thinking a lot about growing up lately. last night i hosted an event at the wooden shoe with billy upski wimsatt, author of bomb the suburbs and no more prisons. he's currently on tour with his newest book, please don't bomb the suburbs which is both a manifesto towards building a "super movement" and a self-reflective exploration--a decade and a half after writing his first book at the ripe age of 21.

during the event, billy challenged each of us to imagine the most powerful position we could envision ourselves being in, 5 or 10 years down the road, while still servicing the movement. it generated a really important and honest conversation about how indivuals can meaningfully affect social change, confronting and balancing the inevitable compromises of being part of the system we all live in, and thinking big.

as things started winding down, billy's friend adam mansbach walked in. an accomplished hip hop intellectual and author himself, i met adam 5 years ago in madison, wisconsin during an event on his book tour that i tabled at for rainbow bookstore cooperative. he lives in philly now and teaches at rutgers-camden. i told him that i have a friend visiting from madison this weekend who i haven't seen in 3 years. everything is connected.

looking back at that period of my life, which i can now delineate as my "mid-20's," helps me put into perspective where i've been and where i'm heading now as i approach my third decade of being alive. i had this idea last week about asking all my friends who are my age, almost 30, to write about this moment in their lives, how they feel about where they're at, and about their greatest dreams as they ascend into what our society defines as adulthood. from there, i want to take what they write and publish it as a zine. then i will throw a release party on my 30th birthday in april. right now it's just an idea, but we'll see!

first day of fall

yesterday was the last official day of summer. it was also the full moon. sarah sent me a text message about this, sort of as an equation; last day of summer+full moon=eek! endings and new beginnings aligning simultaneously. the uncertainty and magic of a new season that we call fall and sometimes autumn.

tyler called me last night while i was frying tofu. he just wanted to share a tip: at sunset the harvest moon would appear, full and larger than any other time in the next 2 decades. when that moment arrived it started raining lightly, the clouds obscuring this historic occurence. but it all made sense. friends came over to celebrate lv's triumphant 24 months of sobriety. endings, beginnings, and continuations.

the crutch and potential of endless possibility

right now, anything is possible. this is a good thing in some ways, but also pretty scary. when i wake up in the morning now i don't know what i am going to do. i know what i need to do--my list is growing longer every hour--it's that i don't have a space to get it all done. there are infinite spaces, but no space that is mine.

yesterday morning i decided that i would return to the library to do work after taking a 2 week break. i reached 43rd street on my bike and before i could start heading north from clark park another bicyclist passed me as the light turned green. this seemingly innocuous, insignificant event turned out to shape the rest of my day. with each red light i remained just behind my fellow bike-commuter and after 5 blocks of this i decided that i had enough. i took a sharp, desperate right at ludlow and continued to 40th street. this landed me at my favorite cafe with the most unfortunate of names. i would not be returning to the library afterall.

it was nice and quiet at the cafe when i arrived. i caught up with the barista about our favorite late-80's hardcore band, the one that she had the t-shirt of the week before. "what if the outfit of the barista affected your entire day?" she suggested as an idea for a sitcom. i thought it would make a better comicbook, even though neither of us are into comicbooks.

for the next 5 hours, i got work done. despite the heavy foot traffic on display through the cafe's sprawling windows, i concentrated and was productive. today i am back at the library, confident that i can carry that work ethic over. anything is possible.

september is an illusion

i can't emphasize enough how writing keeps me accountable--to my life goals, to my dreams. so basically, if i'm not writing then chances are pretty good that i'm not living in a way that's consistent with these things. or maybe it just means that i've been out of town. probably a little bit of both.

i enjoyed my late-summer adventure in massachusetts. it was so great to see emily and to go back down to the cape. so great to see all of my family too. we danced at silent disco in havard square thursday night, took a nap in the car and then hit the road. the weather had been dastardly all week, we were told, but became beautiful upon our arrival. we spent the weekend stretching the summer out as hard as we could. and then returning to philadelphia monday night, it's back to near 100 degrees. heatwave city. september is an illusion.

now i'm back to the grind, searching for my focus and motivation. as the restaurant school reopens from summer break i remind myself how grateful i am to not be working a wage job for someone else's profit. in order to sustain self-employment, i need to work harder and continue to take this work seriously. this is what i am doing.

working for myself: week two

Back at the library after a weekend break from work and a Friday that I wish I could re-do. Oh well, new beginnings! There is an urgency to being this week since I am going out of town Thursday. This means I need to get more work done over the next few days even though I am planning on bringing my computer on the busride to Boston.

I got sort of a boost yesterday as it appears that I have some money starting to trickle in. That began with a weekend of cat-sitting for a Wooden Shoe friend that was out of town, and then Wednesday I will be receiving my final paycheck from the Restaurant School. This money, although not much, will at least help me pay rent next week without having to dip into my savings account...yet.

It was nice to get a positive comment on something I wrote here from a couple weeks ago. I realized that my writing was probably more interesting then; when I was mentally struggling with larger life decisions instead of rambling on about all the work I need to catch up on or the mundane details of my personal income.

I'll try to keep it more interesting. And to write more too.

day 3/4

Yesterday I worked from home. The morning was productive, but as you may have noticed--I did not write. I think I would have got a lot more work done if I had left my apartment in the afternoon to work elsewhere. It was raining and I needed a break from the library, so I felt okay about it; it's just that things really degenerated around 1:00.

I updated Inga Muscio's page on the Aid & Abet website and then posted our August newsletter. It felt good to get so much done in the morning since the first couple days I had difficulties focusing until later in the day.

My life right now is basically a constant struggle to focus, to motivate and get shit done.

Ok, back to work...

day two

Maybe I just need some fresh air. My brain feels cloudy and unfocused. It's my second day at the central library and need to resdiscover the urgency and motivation of working independently. I have a sprawling to-do list, yet my mind wanders like a popcorn kernel sizzling in a hot pan. I'm going to take a short break from the library, venturing out into the summer heat for free food samples at the nearby natural grocery chain. When I return, things will be better. I will get work done.

working for myself: day one

After more than 11 months of being there, I quit my job last week; Friday was my last day. Today I begin my experiment with self-employment. The plan is to wake up each morning, Monday through Friday, and bike to Philadelphia's central library: my new office. It will be a challenge of self-motivation and determination. I've decided that the only way I will be able to succeed is by documenting the experience here. So everyday I will write how things are going, to keep me in check and to make this happen for real.

Today I have a lot of work to catch up on for Aid & Abet. I just started working with Inga Muscio, the author of Cunt and Autobiography of a Blue-Eyed Devil. She has a new book coming out in November and I will be helping her manage speaking events around it. I need to finish writing up a description of her work to post on our website.

I'm also doing publicity for my friend Katy's band Trophy Wife. They have a new album and my job is to find folks to review it. There's a lot to be done!

In addition to all of that, I'm working on fall events for a bunch of other people include Heather Rogers, Tyrone Boucher, Kari Lydersen, and Cristy Road. I definitely have my work cut out for me. I'm excited to have the opportunity now to immerse myself in it without the distractions of my old job.

8.9.10: the beginning of the end

these past couple weeks (damn, the whole summer), i have been paralyzed by uncertainty. maybe it's less paralysis than hopelessness. either way, things started looking up today. the world seems a little clearer, more hopeful.

i was sick this past week with a strange combination of invincible sore throat and achey-fever, all in the dead of the summer. so strange. i called out sick from work thursday hoping to rest up to go back in friday for one last day before the weekend. but i felt even worse friday. that morning, i got up and drafted an email to the appropriate powers-that-be at my job. the email more or less said:

sorry i'm sick. also can't come in today. can you make sure to credit me with my remaining sick days? oh, and i have decided to try to work for myself so next friday will be my final day. thanks, matt

and now uncertainty has been replaced by a well-lit end of a tunnel. i'm not sick anymore and it was a little easier waking up and going to work today, knowing that this is it--the final week before i start taking my life into my own hands.

between self-empowerment and self-sabotage

my life is pretty strange right now. i wake up and go to work every morning. not the same job i've had since september, but it is the same employer. instead of serving hungry and tired people food and coffee, i sit around and fold things, tie things, and put things in bags over and over and over again. until there's nothing left to do and then i sit in a dank, damp basement until it's time to leave. my brain rots.

simultaneously, my to do list is through the roof. there's a lot of important work that needs to be done during the time i'm at this new job. but it just sits there untouched. fall tours, album releases, all on the horizon as i waste away my hours for barely above minimum wage.

this. cannot. last. much. longer.

actualizing dreams

another month is almost over and it struck me that i haven't written in a while. writing keeps me accountable to my dreams. it keeps me honest. a lot has happened. a lot is happening. a lot is going to happen, with summer afoot...

last month i turned 29 years old. i don't believe that life ends when you're 30--i'm actually excited about it and am trying to embrace the process of getting older. for me, the final year of my 20's is about checking in with all of the things i have talked about doing and trying to make some of them happen. i want take advantage of that urgency to get shit done. then i can have some serious momentum when i enter my 30's next year. i will be unstoppable!

this is a 3-day weekend that just began. on cape cod and other tourist destinations, this marks the beginning of the summer season and the influx of outsiders. all that it means for me this year is that i have one extra day off (paid) from the drudgery of my wage job. returning to work next week will begin the final month of dealing with customers and pastries. my job as i have experienced it for the past 9 months will end on july 2nd. i will celebrate by going up to maine for my family's annual reunion/vacation on the beach, only to return to do odd jobs around the college.

the summer should be better as i hope to work on projects both on and off the clock. but it's the fall that i am getting most excited about. in september i will quit my job and actualize my dreams.

the initial breaths of spring

i have this theory that after such an extreme, debilitating winter, when spring reaches philadelphia it will be twice as amazing as usual. people will feel free and inspired once again as the air warms and the days grow longer. anything--everything--will become possible.

this week has been a little preview of such exciting things to come. one of my new favorite bands, on tour from new orleans, played a house show in my neighborhood wednesday night. i hosted a lively event on art and social transformation thursday and i'm eagerly anticipating another great event at the shoe tomorrow evening. last night was the first of a monthly series of salons in fishtown coinciding with the city's first friday art festivities. lots of good people and good music.

and even though it's still unbelievable that it's happening so soon, i'm getting psyched about our trip out to portland next week! friends, aid & abet meeting, and good times are promised. along with green trees, green grass and mountains...things i haven't seen in many months.

returning to philadelphia the following week, spring will be gearing up for real. new possibilities are on the horizon...

current top ten: beyond invincible winter

the winter is finally starting to get to me. after surviving the most snowfall on record in philadelphia i began to feel it today. the cold air, the ice, the grey sky and dirty snow piled up everywhere, crawling under my skin.

so, i want to try to stay positive. here's my current top 10, or things that have distracted me from the nasty, nasty mid-atlantic winterdom:

-Hurray for the Riff Raff: seeing them live in new orleans last month. listening to their new cd "young blood blues" nonstop since i've been back.

-New Orleans: secretly wishing i was still there. weirdly inspiring me to pay attention to football and routing for their saints in the superbowl. hope you're enjoying mardi gras liz!

-Wooden Shoe Books: the radical nerve center of philly. i'm inspired by everyone i've met there and the events we've been able to put on in our beautiful new space.

-Andrew Jackson Jihad: fresh folk-punk anthems from arizona. one day, i hope to see them play on the subway...

-Dancin' in the Streets! Anarchists, Iwws, Surrealists, Situationists & Provos in the 1960s as recorded in the pages of The Rebel Worker & Heatwave

-Sharing a beautiful apartment with LaVange, an amazing and caring sweetheart.

-Running into my old friend Katy Otto at coffeeshop in my neighborhood and learning that she moved to Philly at the beginning of the year! Vote for her All-Ages Movement Project to get money for their vital projects.

-Revolt on Goose Island: The Chicago Factory Takeover, and What it Says About the Economic Crisis by Kari Lydersen

-Do Make Say Think: epic. instrumental. rock. their newest album "other truths" is the perfect winter soundtrack.

-Aid & Abet: we have a gorgeous new website designed by derek hogue (g7 welcoming committee/winnipeg). we have a couple of new awesome collective members and next month we're all meeting up in green, snow-less portland, oregon. that will help me get through the rest of the winter...

Remembering Howard Zinn

"To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction..."
-Howard Zinn

My Junior year in high school, we used A People's History of the United States to put Christopher Columbus on trial for genocide. That book blew my mind. Instead of reciting the version of history fed to us through the lens of the rich and powerful, through their experience as oppressor, Zinn's classic work opened up a whole new world: history from below. The book tells the inspiring, though often brutal, stories of everyday people struggling to create a better society. I would never be the same.

The following summer, I was working as a breakfast and lunch cook at The Flying Fish Cafe in Wellfleet, MA. On one particularly slow mid-week July afternoon my boss, local musician and educator Lisa Brown, came into the kitchen and said to me, "Matt, there's someone in the bakery I want you to meet." I followed her through the restaurant and into the adjacent bakery to see a tall, lanky grey-haired man. "Matt, this is Howard Zinn. Howard, this is Matt." Smiling with glee, I shook his hand and talked to him about my Junior paper which compared his friend and comrade Noam Chomsky with his (and my) historical hero(ine), anarchist-feminist Emma Goldman. He thought that was pretty cool and said that he would mention it to Noam!

Life changing moment. Check.

Lisa joined the teaching faculty that September at Nauset Regional High School and during the first week back to school invited Howard to speak one evening to the students in the School Within a School program. He was still on the Cape with his wife Roslyn who spent each summer in Wellfleet, where their son Jeff directed a local theater company.

It was such an honor seeing him speak about his life in my high school auditorium. He spoke about how his experiences as a bombardier in WWII opened his eyes to the inherent horror of war, his solidarity with black students during the civil rights struggle, and his belief in people's power to change the world.

I raised my hand and asked what young people who want to make a difference can learn from the past. He said that we need to find other people who want the same thing and work together, that we can't make as much of an impact alone. It has been organized movements, he explained, that have changed the course of history, not single figures like our history books pretend.

Over the years I had the great privilege to see Howard speak several times. I also rang up his groceries once, and shook his and Roslyn's hands in their driveway while walking around their neighborhood with my college friend Nick, who's parents lived down the street.

But most importantly, I continued to be inspired by his writing and tireless struggle against war and oppression, his contribution to social justice and a better society.

So, needless to say I was saddened by today's news that Howard Zinn died at the impressive age of 87.

Even though he is not with us anymore his work will live on forever...

"And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."

Rest in peace, Howard.

letter to an ex-lover

dear northampton,
it's been one year since i left you. just wanted to say hello and see how you've been. although it's hard to admit, i'm a lot happier without you. i have changed and i know you have too. i was so young when we first met and back then, you made a lot of sense to me. but this is a whole new era now. i met someone new and they're really amazing. even though it's nice to see you every now and then, to catch up, we both need to move on and embrace the future. i hope you have a fun new year's. i hope your ball successfully rises and that you're not too cold. i will be with my new love. i will be smiling, excited about what lies ahead for 2010.

sincerely,
matt

i woke up this morning and then...(part 3)

i guess there's nothing inherently wrong with having one of those blogs where you talk about what you did all day, if what you're doing is interesting...

today i biked through a violent early morning rain storm to get to my job on time. in the dark. the sun will rise later every single day until next week's solstice. i was drenched by the time i made it to work. luckily i brought a dry set of clothes to wear...wait. this shit is getting boring now.

when i'm at work i think of all the things i want to do, all the projects i want to start. but lately, when i get home all i can think about is not being at work anymore. more on that to come...

today, however, i got home from work--socks still damp--and did interviews with 3 different folks who are interested in joining our aid & abet collective. we have 2 more tomorrow! phew.

i feel like things are brewing right now and the potential for 2010 is already starting to explode. i like it.

half a decade later

it's been 5 years since i started writing here. at that time i was living in madison, wisconsin and spent my first thanksgiving alone, away from family. now i am living in philadelphia with a really amazing woman that i love a lot. yesterday we cooked all afternoon with her good friends who are visiting from out of town and appreciated being here and not in transit. i thought about plymouth and the national day of mourning, where i used to go each year. it was nice to speak to my family on the phone and i look forward to seeing them all in one month when i will have almost 2 weeks off of work. today i'm trying to refocus on the work that my full-time job as been distracting me from. there's a list goals for the month of november hanging on our fridge. just a few more days to get it all done!

breaking guitar strings and writing words again

shit. i'm not sure how i went the entire month of october without writing a single word here. i could simplisticly attribute it to this full-time job lifestyle, but there has to be more. i have to take responsibility too. writing is important; it's vital to my mental health. i don't think i can attribute my written silence to an unreliable internet connection either--at least not completely.

there was something about today. it felt like the beginning of a new era, a forging of that balance between self-confidence and self-critique. there was a heightened awareness of where i'm going and what i'm doing. this week, month, year, and beyond.

and now here i am, writing again. hello. it's nice to be back...

the final days of summer

september accelerates. i've developed this new existence where i wake up with the sun each morning and ride my bike into the world of wage labour, alongside cars that still have their headlights on. there's such an unusual comfort in cultivating a daily routine. alarm clocks, endless commentary about the weather, in bed before 11:00 pm. repeat. repeat again...

i struggled to accomodate my bulging to-do-list with this new lifestyle. home by 3:00 each day, but there's a conflict between the lazy desire for relaxation, for post-work leisure with a burning passion to get shit done.

last night i closed all the windows in our beautiful new apartment for the first time. fall creeps in and with it, the urgency to create and live hard.

on a move

today is the first day of september and everything feels different. the air has shifted, a glimpse into cool autumn nights and new beginnings. today, lavange and i are moving in together. when she gets out of work this afternoon we're gonna pick up a moving truck which we'll have for 4 hours. by 7:00 pm tonight we'll be settled in our new apartment. i'm looking forward to the potential of this new space and starting a new chapter here in philly.

a paradise built in hell

the most mundane is always the most existential. what we do each day/what we are doing with our lives. a lyric from a song is scribbled in sharpie on the bathroom wall: "daily life is shit." we are forced to read that over and over again as we, well, shit. hmmm...where is this going?

where are we going? what are we doing?

it's always in the most desperate, seemingly hopeless moments that we reach our most brilliant and life-affirming revelations. disaster brings out the very best in human nature. crisis as a glimpse of utopia...i can't do this anymore. let's pursue what truly matters with reckless abandon, together.

(re)visiting northampton

by the time sunday afternoon arrived i was practically crawling out of my skin, beyond ready to leave. i had seen everyone that i wanted to see. done everything i wanted to do. but i had a couple more hours before meeting my ride. i went under cover at the cafe where nobody else would be. at least nobody that would recognize me, or vice versa. i sipped coffee and hid behind the gorgeous words of valencia, michelle tea's memoir about her early years in san francisco's 1990's dyke underground--generously lent to me by liz diamond, my fabulous weekend host.

so, once we were on 91 heading south toward philly with the windows down and classic rock blaring on the speakers i felt relieved. but also full and content after a mostly lovely weekend in the town i called home for 3 and 1/2 years. every moment between thursday evening and that late afternoon sunday departure was a reminder of either why i stayed as long as i did, or why i'm glad i left. each one a manifestation of this ongoing love/hate relationship. with its culture, streets, buildings, and residents; this complex personal history with a town that's population has consistently remained 30,000 over the past 100 years.

the good and the bad. the paralyzing beauty and alluring ugliness. so much promise and potential. so many limitations and disappointments. i took it all in with a sweaty hug that lasted 3 days. all of it. in those final moments i realized that i had overstayed my welcome and relieved the awkwardness with a bike ride past the medows and the county fairground. i will keep returning, but maybe next time for just 2 days...

grad school revisited/returning to new england

so i've been thinking about grad school a lot lately. it's an idea i have played around with off and on the past 5 years, but i think this time is a little different. being back in school is a lot more appealing right now that working a shitty, just-barely-above-minimum wage job. it's been one week since i got fired from last one of those i had and the timing couldn't have been better. i basically have 4 months to research programs, study for and take standardized tests and apply. it would probably living in philly for the next year (in the apartment that lv and i are about to move into) and then relocate this time next year, probably to nyc. but we'll see!

i've also been thinking about, in the mean time, finding a new shitty (or maybe not so shitty) job and also about visiting northampton...which i'm doing this weekend! looking forward to seeing the good people that still live there and to be back in new england again before the end of the summer. who wants to go swimming?

take me back to the summertime...

growing up, i never wanted summer to end. it was always a magical season of infinite possibility and wonder. back then i didn't have to worry about mundane concerns like securing a wage job, navigating bureaucracies to access basic human needs, or the weight of losing everything. but that part of us never dies. it's what keeps us going; persevering through all the shit that the world offers up now and then.

many years later, there's part of me wants to just wake up on the last day of summer. all of my worries figured out. nothing but promise and potential ahead of me. but there is beauty in struggle. it makes us who we are and gives us appreciation for the good times.

i'm still a little kid. enjoying the summer.

the one thing that i couldn't live without

on the other hand, if i'm not on the lease, have no protection under the law, and the landlord responds to my propsal in a greedy, soul-less, um...oh, like a landlord, then this could end up being one of the worst weeks of my life.

one small victory did occur this morning when i tried to turn my stereo on...it totally works! i will now proceed to turn up the volume, lay on my floor staring at the damaged ceiling, and sing my lungs out to "this year" by the mountain goats.

but you're right. it won't kill me.

rent-free summer rainstorms

in addition to getting fired from my job, another significant event occurred this past week. early friday evening, the final day of july, a violent rainstorm pummeled philadephia while i was at work. by the time i was biking home the sky had cleared, the humidity disappearing into the sunset and puddles along my route home the only evidence of the monsoonesque explosion of just a few hours before.

arriving in my bedroom i was greeted with puddles of water around the open windows, but the windowsills themselves were mysteriously dry. i discovered that my ceiling had leaked directly above my stereo. over a dozen cd's were destroyed. the 5 disc changer that i had possessed since my senior year of college had been murdered by the house's structural damage. the meaning of this incident soon turned itself on its head when i realized the opportunity it presented me. the value of these personal items lost in the storm was about equal to the check i would have soon written towards rent.

instead i wrote a letter to the landlord explaining the situation and, interestingly enough, the day i lost my job he stopped by the house to pick up one less rent check and my letter which he scanned and left on the dining room table. today i plan on mailing it to him. now that i have returned to the financial insecurity of unemployment i feel weirdly grateful for the summer rainstorm and the improperly repaired ceiling for helping to keep me afloat an extra month.

rejoining the unemployed masses, a tragedy in 3 parts

i should be at work right now. instead, i'm at the neighborhood coffeeshop sipping ice coffee. shorts, flip flops, air conditioning, seat by the window. i did bike the 5 miles to my job earlier this afternoon. after clocking in at 12:59 i found myself sitting down next to my boss as he explained to me that he would have to "let me go." what?! fuck.

last week he mentioned that the owner of the store would be coming back to town soon and that i needed to increase the production level of the sandwiches since they're the "pet project" of the big bossman. over the next 3 days i did so, "producing" more sandwiches than i previously had been. when i left sunday, before my 2 days off, the sandwich case was filled to the brim, overflowing.

something else happened sunday that contributed to my termination...as i was wrapping up the sandwiches that afternoon my boss was getting ready to leave, complaining to the other kitchen manager about how stressed out he was. i decided it was clearly a bad time to ask him about taking a few days off at the end of the summer. i left an hour later and just went ahead and wrote in the days i would be out of town on the kitchen staff's calendar. apparently this was a big mistake: "you've already taken time off and the way it works here is that after you've worked for a year you're eligible for a week off." wow. i wish i knew that before i got hired.

oh, and he mentioned the recession a few times.

so obviously there's a lot more to say, but that's what happened today. ironically, i just started working on an article for wiretap about my experiences job-hunting (and eventually getting hired for a low-wage job) in the context of the economic crisis. now i have another chapter to add. hopefully something positive will come out of this.

over the past month...

i have:

-gone on a loooong bike ride with lv...50 miles north to quakertown. then back the next day.

-surprised my sister by showing up to her open studio show at the school of visual arts in nyc. thank you $5 megab*s ticket!

-enjoyed another visit to philly by jen angel.

-taken advantage of my 2 days in a row off. most notably by squeezing in a trip to maine during part of my family's vacation week there. chinatown bus to nyc, then another to boston; followed by the train to old orchard beach. arrived 1:26 am monday, departed at 2:50 pm tuesday. totally worth it.

-continued to work, pay bills.

-celebrated lv's 30th birthday!

-read more than i had been: finally finished "passionate mistakes and intricate corruption of one girl in america" by michelle tea! currently: "where we stand: class matters" by bell hooks.

-volunteered a bunch at the wooden shoe. getting ready for the big move.

-and thought a lot about writing and work for aid & abet. finally getting around to doing it NOW!

first half/second half

today is the last day of june. the final day of the first half of the year. what can i say about these past 6 months? in some ways, it seems like just yesterday that i moved to philadelphia. at the same time it has been a long droning period of struggle with unemployment and lack of direction. and now, all of that is over. this is a new beginning. the rest of the year is ahead of me...

after less than 2 weeks at my new job i received my discount card--20% off everything in the store! i'm starting to get paid too as the anchor slowly drops in the deep ocean of debt and neglected adult responsibilities. soon it will stick and i will be able to move forward, beyond merely catching up.

and i exhale, thinking about tomorrow's opening day of a certain chocolate-themed restaurant chain at 15th and walnut that i will not be working. tomorrow is the first day of the second half of the year. it's my day off and i plan on making the most of it, to start this new era.

double week

yesterday i did a double shift. at essene i felt at home with the smell of natural and organic food and tattooed, smiling co-workers. then over to mb for my final training for a job i will never actually work. leaving the building i confessed to the one person that i liked from the barista crew that it was my last night and that i found another job. this morning i called the bar manager and gave him the bad news. he was surprisingly peppy and just told me to bring my uniform back, which i did after my second training shift at essene. what a strange week. the summer is now about to begin.

ephemeral choco-pops

i called my new boss at the natural food store this morning to see how long my training would last tomorrow. if i was finished before 5:00 i could get paid for at least one more training behind the bar at max brenner before telling them to kiss off. sure enough, he doesn't want me to be there too long on my first day. so after coming in at 11:00 tomorrow morning i should be out by 3:00 or so with plenty of time to breathe, eat, and make it over to 1500 walnut street.

tonight i showed up there at the suggested 15 minutes earlier than scheduled. it started raining before i arrived so i was a little wet after locking up my bike and walking into the building. i said hi to the bar manager, who looked at my wet long sleeve striped shirt and informed me that i was supposed to be wearing my uniform. i reassured him that it was in my bag and that i would go change into hit. walking to the bathroom i exhaled and felt the relief of the temporary nature of this ridiculous situation.

i joined my fellow choco-men and women after punching in and spent the next 4 hours learning how things work behind the chocolate bar. we did get to taste some of the hot chocolates which was nice, but the whole experience was pretty surreal for me. knowing that i really don't need to absorb any of this information, that it's all pretty meaningless, i vaguely paid attention just to prevent boredom.

all 9 of us trainees cleaned and closed up the whole thing, bumping into each other and squirming for direction from the trainers brought in from the union square restaurant in new york. by quarter to 9:00 we were done. before we left the general manager had us meet him in the basement office where he handed each of us paychecks for our 2 hour orientation we had to sit through last month. a whopping $12.05!

it was still raining outside when i was reunited with my bike. this week can't be over soon enough.

sandwich-maker vs. "chocoman"

okay. so, i went to the first training at max brenner last night and it was pretty ridiculous. fortunately i will be getting paid for the 3 hours that i endured. max himself (the mystical chocolatier/cult-leader) graced us with his presence, sharing with us the story of how this all came to be--his ascent from an aspiring romance novelist in israel to the ceo of an international restaurant group. surely, if he had touched all of our foreheads we would have collapsed to the floor. instead we all just sat there, all 150 of us who were hired to work at this brand new center city establishment, obediently listening to every word. laughing at every joke.

there's really too much to say about what happened last night. the main headline is: because of a "gas issue" mb will not be opening for business until july 1st. however, they calmly reassured us that they would keep us busy until then with various trainings and even make it fun for us! whoopee.

i received my uniform before leaving at 8:00 pm: 2 medium-sized brown t-shirts with a drawing of max's head on the left arm and the phrase: "chocolate is good for you" in big colorful letters on the back; a brown apron with one pocket and "100% pure max" scrawled at a dramatic angle across it; and finally, a brown beanie (which one of my fellow baristas pointed out, "is not fashionable and, rather, resembles a horseshoe crab") which ties in the back and features the word "chocoman" on the front. of course, the female-identified barista's hats are labeled "chocowoman." fucking hell.

in addition to the opening day being delayed until "july one," they granted us with today off, along with saturday and sunday to celebrate father's day weekend. this is all good news.

the experience actually wasn't terrible, but it did make me desire the natural food store job even more. this morning, after finishing up a coffee date with local radical historian dan berger, i received a voicemail message from the kitchen manager that had interviewed me yesterday afternoon: "we want to bring you on."(!!!)

i called back and chatted with him for a minute and he asked me to come in thursday to start training. great! the whole cafe is vegan, the people seem really cool, and the only weird thing is that i am expected to bring my own knife to cut the sandwiches....but no uniform! just can't wear open-toed shoes or tank tops. no problem.

SO. i'm still gonna go in for another day of training at mb tomorrow since i'll get paid for it. i mean, what do i have to lose? then on thursday i'll give the bar manager the bad news and my address to mail the check. word. looks like things are gonna work out okay this summer afterall!

early summer job chronicles (continued)

it's unusual that the middle of a month could contain so much upheaval, moments of transition and starting over. today is the 15th and over the past few days the world has been turned upside down and shaken up; mostly for the best.

on friday night lv's roommate and bf ollie began to move out of their 2 bedroom apartment. the living room was filled with boxes filled with (most of the) kitchen items and all the large furniture ready to be moved across town the following day, along with her amazing dog marmalade and cat, estelle.

late that night a car parked across the street from my house (where my least-friendly housemate had moved out of for the summer the day before) containing 3 good friends that i missed a lot. it was so great to see liz, david, and michelle again. l & d were on their way to new orleans where they are moving for liz to begin her librarian career. they picked up michelle in nyc on their way to philly and at 2:30 am they all settled into my bedroom to sleep after a long day of travel.

also, last week i applied for a job at a local natural/organic grocery store that's near south street. they had posted an ad on craigslist the day before for a sandwich-maker and i figured that if they hired me it would be vastly superior to the corporate chocolate culture of m*x brenner that i would begin training for this week.

and that brings me to today. i just had an interview for that job and it went really well. if they call me back in a couple days offering it to me than i can kiss the bald man goodbye forever. although tonight i am going in to begin my week of training. luckily i will get paid for it and i have this plan to finish the training but not work when the restaurant opens for business next week. crossing my fingers!

stay tuned...

a new, new beginning

from this moment on we will remind ourselves of the things that are good for us and pursue them with wild abandon. they are our fuel, our lifeline. the other shit, those pesky (and yes, alluring) speedbumps on our road to happiness will be rejected and ignored. from now on. let's remind each other of this. let's talk more often. the only thing that can really hold us back now is our own self-doubt. a new summer is on the horizon and anything--everything--is possible.

into the atmosphere

i feel like i've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, but i'm not really sure what to write about. in this moment of transition and upheaval i remain in the same place i've been since january, struggling for direction and inspiration. i'm in this weird in between point though where i'm still looking for a job but have this weird one that will be starting soon. i had another interview with prometheus last week where the entire staff collective asked me questions. so intense. i think it went pretty well, but we'll see what they decide later this week...

i wouldn't have been able to sustain myself here this long without lv's love and support. she has just been so amazing. and now she has been laid off from her full-time job and is battling the bureaucracies of unemployment offices, her dysfunctional agency, and the non-profit job-hunting complex. i hope to support her through all of this. we're gonna make it, together.

adventures in job hunting: part two

after my interview at cigna (did i mention that they were featured in michael moore's movie sicko?), i bought a pretzel from these kids across the street who were trying to raise money for some sort of program for youth. i sat down and breathed in the strange corporate culture that surrounded me in the heart of this urban business zone. then i biked a few blocks down the street to apply for another job. this one was just posted a few days before and it was to work at a restaurant opening here next month.

i had never heard of max brenner (mb) or its "chocolate by the bald man" before, but i soon learned they it is a growing "international restaurant group" and in addition to locations across australia, israel, one in the phillipines and one in singapore, there are two of these chocolate-based concept restaurants in new york city. and now, the company is preparing to spread its "chocolate culture" to philly. um, okay...

the space where it is moving into is right on walnut street amidst a concentration of other high end restaurants and boutiques. i entered the building, signed in, and took the elevator up to the second floor. they had set up a temporary hiring office, sort of assembly line, where they greeted us with a application and clipboard and asked what position we were interested in. people were spilling out of this room and i almost turned around and left as lv was meeting for lunch down the street. but i decided to stay and go through with it.

i came back later and ended up being interviewed, one by one, by each of the various managers of this new establishment and by the end of the afternoon i was filling out tax formers and being welcomed to their weird cultish family as a barista. so i finally got a job! but the feeling was pretty surreal and bittersweet since i wouldn't actually start working for a few weeks when training starts. there's a lot more to say about all of this too. i'm sure it will all come out eventually...

as june's rent starts to loom over my consciousness i still need to figure something out. the challenges continue but whatever happens should be interesting. we'll see.

adventures in job hunting: part one

as spring begins to morph into summer i look around and there's so much going on. a lot of people i know are in a transitional moment, whether they're graduating from school or moving somewhere new, travelling or getting ready to start a summer job. although part of me is nostalgic or even jealous of this state of affairs i am not exactly in a grounded, static situation here.

earlier this month i resigned myself to truly prioritizing employment. i carved out a daily routine of looking at every job listing on craigslist upon waking up and applying for as many as possible. over coffee and cereal i would bust out disingenuous "cover letters" detailing my passion for filing papers or making coffee drinks. i rewrote my resume and fine-tuned my references. for the most part the result was a defeaning silence of an empty e-mail inbox, with the exception of two bizarre possibilites that came to light last tuesday.

at 1:30 in the afternoon i found myself being interview on the fourth floor of one of the tallest buildings that compose philadelphia's skyline; the headquarters of the nation's largest pharmecutical corporation's: cigna. yes, pure evil. but no, i was not applying for some sort of office job there. the position was to be a barista in the new "coffee bar" of their cafeteria. crazy, right? i could say a lot more about this but long story short is that after competing with 20 other desperate unemployed folks, they didn't call me at the end of the week. phew!

to be continued...

returning to the fold (part II)

i've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately, ever since it starting getting warmer outside. i wake up missing all of these people from my past lives. i run into some of them in real life too and meet for coffee and have really fantastic conversations about where we came from and where we're going.

my mind is racing too much these days to abandon this now. i'm here. come back to visit soon...

millions for mumia, ten years later

the first time i ever came to this city that i now live in was ten years ago today. on april 24, 1999 a massive protest in march in support of mumia abu jamal was organized in philadelphia. the millions for mumia march was both a celebration of his 40th birthday and an impassioned plea for his freedom from death row.

this evening, ten years later, i will be attending another event in philadelphia for mumia who is still unjustly incarcerated after all these years despite an international movement of supporters. the "more than a book release" event tonight at the historic church of the advocate in north philly will celebrate mumia's latest book jailhouse lawyers and will feature a number of speakers and performers. there are a number of similar events happening around the country today, mumia's birthday.

for more info visit:
http://freemumia.com/april242009.html

the continued search for focus

sometimes it's hard figuring out where i want to focus my energy. i desperately need to cultivate a steady income, but go back and forth between looking into traditional wage jobs/temp work and dedicating all my time towards my own writing and other projects. passions and survival, indeed. i'm looking forward to talking to lv about our life goals, both short and long term. i think that will help me focus. i want to envision and articulate where i want to be a month from now, 6 months, this time next year, in 5 years, etc. it will be helpful but also fun to share these dreams together.

today, i find myself at a coffeeshop all over the place. i jump from researching freelance and proofreading jobs to feelings of guilt around not booking an early summer tour for one of my aid & abet clients. all the while, the impending may rent looms over every action and thought like a fatal illness. but i'm optimistic that i'll figure something out over the next couple weeks.

bright forecast

now that i'm back in philly, i'm try to harness the inspiration from my travels. i was hoping that i would be catalyzed after the nyc anarchist book fair and reflecting on my past life in northampton. but the first few days back have been a struggle. it's still sort of cold, dark and rainy. it's as if nothing happened and i just woke up from a dream. maybe i'm still 27? i wonder if i will ever be liberated from the shackled bureaucracy of financial institutions. i wonder if tomorrow will begin a new era of sunshine and creativity. the future is still hopeful. i just need to keep reminding myself why i'm here. what i'm doing. and where i'm going.

spring break 2009

i've been on the road for a full week now. it seems like months ago that lv and i were waiting for the megabus in philly for a weekend adventure in new york! now i'm heading back to the big apple for another weekend, but this time from northampton--where i have been all week. i was able to see friends and family in celebrating my 28th birthday and despite getting a little sick it's been great fun. i'm looking forward to the anarchist bookfair tomorrow, meeting up with my aid & abet co-conspirators again, and also returning to philly and my sweetheart sunday evening. i think when i return my mind will be fresh and inspired and i will be to appreciate the beauty of the full bloom trees even more.

april urgency

it's been a good week. one morning i woke up and was brought back 6 years, to my final semester in college. jolted out of bed with the realization that it was now officially april and my senior project was due at the end of the month. there was a similar urgency this week, with so many things going on and to look forward to in the coming weeks.

tuesday night i went to a fantastic zine reading at the wooden shoe with cassie j. snyder and al burian. cassie was hilarious and it had been about 4 years since i had last seen al perform. i enjoyed the thread connecting all of the pieces he read: what was it that initally brought us to punk and why are we still in it? why were we all there that night? i had really nice conversations with all the other wooden shoe folks afterwards as i got pumped up for the couchsurfing.com meet up i was heading to afterwards!

there's a japanese restaurant/karaoke club where local couchsurfers have been meeting every tuesday night for various specials and a private karaoke room. i was inspired to check it out this week with the temptation of visiting the philly pretzel factory at midnight when the 35 cent, fresh pretzels are available!

i had fun meeting all of these random people, some from philly, others couchsurfing from across the globe. over 30 of us squeezed in this room to sing songs accompanied by the cheesiest japanese karaoke videos that you could imagine. i bonded with some of them after my performance of "dancing with myself." ha! i biked down to washington after midnight beating the carpool to pretzels. it was great to finally experience the freshest, hottest pretzels in town before biking all the way back to west philly.

there's so much more to say about this week. mostly, that jen angel arrived via train on april fool's day and it's been great seeing her again. her event at the wooden shoe last night was a success and i had a blast hanging out with all these great folks afterwards that came out for it. jen's crashing at my house over the weekend while i'm in nyc with lv. then sunday i'll be heading back to western mass to celebrate my birthday and see all of the wonderful people in my life up there. see you soon!

springing forward for real

this was a tough week. for a few days straight, i felt paralyzed by stress and depression which is pretty unusual for me. things got better yesterday though. i spent the day with lv as she criss-crossed the city from appointment to appointment. then she provided me with support and focus before my event at the wooden shoe, a discussion about "radical change in the age of obama." the event went really well and i felt so much better and connected to the world afterwards.

and today actually felt like spring! i had the pleasure of meeting tyrone who does the really amazing website enough and our conversations inspired me to write about my experiences in philly...here. things are turning around and i'm excited for my favorite month, just around the corner!

the gaps in between my aspirations and my apathy

the line in that song really speaks to where i'm at right now. over the past 6 years i've been struggling with that balance of working hard on projects and the lures of complacency. as the gorilla biscuits once sung, "i like hanging out but who doesn't," but it's time to start truly living our lives and realizing our dreams instead of just sitting on our asses: "let's start today."

maybe sometimes i'm too hard on myself, but i really wish that i had worked harder and had more to show for it now. but i know it's not too late and that i am the only thing that is holding me back from making it all happen.

propagandhi show/prometheus update

"so...anything new?" i was asked recently by a friend; beyond my previous response of things being pretty good in philly. well, last weekend i had a chance to see one of my favorite bands (and biggest political/life influences) from high school play live. propagandhi are a punk band from winnipeg, manitoba that have been playing since the late 80's and made a stop in philly, accompanied by their fantastic new album supporting caste. it wasn't quite as much of a mind-blowing experience as the first time i got to see them back in 2000 in new york, but it was fun and important nonetheless. it was great just to be able to bond with some of my new friends here over this band that has meant so much to all of us; a thread connecting our collective experience as punks and activists.

the other thing, of course, was getting interviewed for the internship with prometheus. the update on that is that they decided to go with someone else for the position which, as evidenced by my previous post, was not a tragic blow to my life. they had tons of applicants for the position and even though i was one of the top 3 candidates, there was someone else that had a lot more fundraising and development experience. it seems like the organization is going through a lot of upheaval right now so i wish that person the best and hope that it's a fulfilling experience. i'm mostly pscyched that i can still come back to northampton for the entire week of my birthday, as i had planned, before the anarchist book fair in nyc!

that's it for now. more updates later...

internship dilemma

yesterday i had an interview at the prometheus radio project for a paid internship that would go through september. they're a rad organization that works with community radio stations all over the country and their main office happens to be 3 blocks from my house. the internship wouldn't pay much, but enough to for me to live on and definitely more than i'm making now. i have mixed feelings though because i wouldn't be able to dedicate as much time to my aid & abet work. jen angel pointed out, though, that the summer is a slow time for booking tours (at least on college campuses) so maybe it would be fine if i got it. we'll see!

i'm trying to be better about structuring my time and being productive as a self-educator/employer, but it's still a challenge. i have a lot of ideas and projects and time i just need to be more motivated and focused. but this is nothing new.

i will be going back to massachusetts around my birthday next month which i'm really psyched about! of course, if i get this internship it will cut into my spring break time since it starts that week. hmmm...

daylight savings nyc

i woke up in brooklyn sunday. we sprung forward an hour overnight which was appropriate. my brief trip to nyc was definitely worth it. i got to spend the afternoon with my dad who had been on vacation there since wednesday night. we walked around times square and central park, enjoying the warm weather. i got to meet up with jesse for dinner in the east village after she got out of work. afterwards i took the subway to brooklyn where i met up with jon after an unfortunately pretentious panel discussion on photography he had just been on. we walked back to his apartment in greenpoint, where i crashed.

sunday morning we walked around the neighborhood and jon took portraits of me with his new camera. i had to catch a 1:30 bus back to philly but i had just enough time to meet cristy road for breakfast. she just joined the aid and abet roster and i'm psyched to work with her and set up some sucessful for tours later in the year.

during the bus ride i cleared my head and felt good about the trip. arriving right near philly's 30th street station i bumped into dave end who was taking a train up to nyc to rehearse for a big performance he's doing with kimya dawson at carnegie hall soon. he also informed me that kimya will be playing at the unitarian church in philly the next day and he might join her for a song or two.

i jumped on the subway toward 5th st. and made it with enough time to get a snack before the wooden shoe collective meeting which i was facillitating at 5:00. the meeting went well as we approved the restructuring of the collective's bylaws which we passed at a daylong retreat two weeks ago. it's the beginning of a new era for this radical institution and i'm excited to be part of it right now.

discovering the end of the rainbow!

i woke up this morning exclaiming "today is gonna be a good day!" it's been a good week. sort of unbelievable that today could be any better than the last couple but i have a feeling in my gut.

yesterday saw a pre-sunrise bike ride with lv to the upenn dental school. she put her name down to be seen later in the morning and we walked around a bit as the sun slowly emerged into our day. i got home around 9:30 am after they finally called her number. my housemate adam greeted me from the kitchen as i walked in the front door, reminding me that it was rent day and that i should put my check up on the fridge with the others. i nervously confirmed my awareness of this fact as i headed upstairs to check my bank balance online.

the day before, after a little research, i figured out how to find the status of my tax refund on the irs website. my refund was due to be directly deposited on march 5th! with that knowledge, i took a deep breath and closed my eyes as the page displaying my balance loaded. this has become a routine over the past couple weeks, an act i have performed many times each day with the hope of newfound riches at my disposal. but this time i was more optimistic. i opened my eyes and gleeful discovered two additional digits in my checking account! enough to cover this month's rent and maybe even next month's too!

i wrote out my check to the landlord and posted it on the fridge with the others. everything is going to be okay. spring is almost here.

marching ahead

march is always a wild card. the snow that arrived in the middle of the night during the final hours of february, and the initial hours of this new month, began to melt in today's bright sun. something shifted today. i busted out my review of the new thermals album for jesse's website sadie, and finally figured out how i will cover my rent this month. what a relief! inhale. exhale.

now i have returned to my new favorite cafe on 43rd and locust where you get two free refills, the sun shining through the big windows facing the street. i am determined and focused now to finally finish this article i've been working on about our new president and the challenge of social movements to develop strategies to navigate this new political climate. things are starting to fall into place. i think spring is afoot...