millions for mumia, ten years later

the first time i ever came to this city that i now live in was ten years ago today. on april 24, 1999 a massive protest in march in support of mumia abu jamal was organized in philadelphia. the millions for mumia march was both a celebration of his 40th birthday and an impassioned plea for his freedom from death row.

this evening, ten years later, i will be attending another event in philadelphia for mumia who is still unjustly incarcerated after all these years despite an international movement of supporters. the "more than a book release" event tonight at the historic church of the advocate in north philly will celebrate mumia's latest book jailhouse lawyers and will feature a number of speakers and performers. there are a number of similar events happening around the country today, mumia's birthday.

for more info visit:
http://freemumia.com/april242009.html

the continued search for focus

sometimes it's hard figuring out where i want to focus my energy. i desperately need to cultivate a steady income, but go back and forth between looking into traditional wage jobs/temp work and dedicating all my time towards my own writing and other projects. passions and survival, indeed. i'm looking forward to talking to lv about our life goals, both short and long term. i think that will help me focus. i want to envision and articulate where i want to be a month from now, 6 months, this time next year, in 5 years, etc. it will be helpful but also fun to share these dreams together.

today, i find myself at a coffeeshop all over the place. i jump from researching freelance and proofreading jobs to feelings of guilt around not booking an early summer tour for one of my aid & abet clients. all the while, the impending may rent looms over every action and thought like a fatal illness. but i'm optimistic that i'll figure something out over the next couple weeks.

bright forecast

now that i'm back in philly, i'm try to harness the inspiration from my travels. i was hoping that i would be catalyzed after the nyc anarchist book fair and reflecting on my past life in northampton. but the first few days back have been a struggle. it's still sort of cold, dark and rainy. it's as if nothing happened and i just woke up from a dream. maybe i'm still 27? i wonder if i will ever be liberated from the shackled bureaucracy of financial institutions. i wonder if tomorrow will begin a new era of sunshine and creativity. the future is still hopeful. i just need to keep reminding myself why i'm here. what i'm doing. and where i'm going.

spring break 2009

i've been on the road for a full week now. it seems like months ago that lv and i were waiting for the megabus in philly for a weekend adventure in new york! now i'm heading back to the big apple for another weekend, but this time from northampton--where i have been all week. i was able to see friends and family in celebrating my 28th birthday and despite getting a little sick it's been great fun. i'm looking forward to the anarchist bookfair tomorrow, meeting up with my aid & abet co-conspirators again, and also returning to philly and my sweetheart sunday evening. i think when i return my mind will be fresh and inspired and i will be to appreciate the beauty of the full bloom trees even more.

april urgency

it's been a good week. one morning i woke up and was brought back 6 years, to my final semester in college. jolted out of bed with the realization that it was now officially april and my senior project was due at the end of the month. there was a similar urgency this week, with so many things going on and to look forward to in the coming weeks.

tuesday night i went to a fantastic zine reading at the wooden shoe with cassie j. snyder and al burian. cassie was hilarious and it had been about 4 years since i had last seen al perform. i enjoyed the thread connecting all of the pieces he read: what was it that initally brought us to punk and why are we still in it? why were we all there that night? i had really nice conversations with all the other wooden shoe folks afterwards as i got pumped up for the couchsurfing.com meet up i was heading to afterwards!

there's a japanese restaurant/karaoke club where local couchsurfers have been meeting every tuesday night for various specials and a private karaoke room. i was inspired to check it out this week with the temptation of visiting the philly pretzel factory at midnight when the 35 cent, fresh pretzels are available!

i had fun meeting all of these random people, some from philly, others couchsurfing from across the globe. over 30 of us squeezed in this room to sing songs accompanied by the cheesiest japanese karaoke videos that you could imagine. i bonded with some of them after my performance of "dancing with myself." ha! i biked down to washington after midnight beating the carpool to pretzels. it was great to finally experience the freshest, hottest pretzels in town before biking all the way back to west philly.

there's so much more to say about this week. mostly, that jen angel arrived via train on april fool's day and it's been great seeing her again. her event at the wooden shoe last night was a success and i had a blast hanging out with all these great folks afterwards that came out for it. jen's crashing at my house over the weekend while i'm in nyc with lv. then sunday i'll be heading back to western mass to celebrate my birthday and see all of the wonderful people in my life up there. see you soon!

springing forward for real

this was a tough week. for a few days straight, i felt paralyzed by stress and depression which is pretty unusual for me. things got better yesterday though. i spent the day with lv as she criss-crossed the city from appointment to appointment. then she provided me with support and focus before my event at the wooden shoe, a discussion about "radical change in the age of obama." the event went really well and i felt so much better and connected to the world afterwards.

and today actually felt like spring! i had the pleasure of meeting tyrone who does the really amazing website enough and our conversations inspired me to write about my experiences in philly...here. things are turning around and i'm excited for my favorite month, just around the corner!

the gaps in between my aspirations and my apathy

the line in that song really speaks to where i'm at right now. over the past 6 years i've been struggling with that balance of working hard on projects and the lures of complacency. as the gorilla biscuits once sung, "i like hanging out but who doesn't," but it's time to start truly living our lives and realizing our dreams instead of just sitting on our asses: "let's start today."

maybe sometimes i'm too hard on myself, but i really wish that i had worked harder and had more to show for it now. but i know it's not too late and that i am the only thing that is holding me back from making it all happen.

propagandhi show/prometheus update

"so...anything new?" i was asked recently by a friend; beyond my previous response of things being pretty good in philly. well, last weekend i had a chance to see one of my favorite bands (and biggest political/life influences) from high school play live. propagandhi are a punk band from winnipeg, manitoba that have been playing since the late 80's and made a stop in philly, accompanied by their fantastic new album supporting caste. it wasn't quite as much of a mind-blowing experience as the first time i got to see them back in 2000 in new york, but it was fun and important nonetheless. it was great just to be able to bond with some of my new friends here over this band that has meant so much to all of us; a thread connecting our collective experience as punks and activists.

the other thing, of course, was getting interviewed for the internship with prometheus. the update on that is that they decided to go with someone else for the position which, as evidenced by my previous post, was not a tragic blow to my life. they had tons of applicants for the position and even though i was one of the top 3 candidates, there was someone else that had a lot more fundraising and development experience. it seems like the organization is going through a lot of upheaval right now so i wish that person the best and hope that it's a fulfilling experience. i'm mostly pscyched that i can still come back to northampton for the entire week of my birthday, as i had planned, before the anarchist book fair in nyc!

that's it for now. more updates later...

internship dilemma

yesterday i had an interview at the prometheus radio project for a paid internship that would go through september. they're a rad organization that works with community radio stations all over the country and their main office happens to be 3 blocks from my house. the internship wouldn't pay much, but enough to for me to live on and definitely more than i'm making now. i have mixed feelings though because i wouldn't be able to dedicate as much time to my aid & abet work. jen angel pointed out, though, that the summer is a slow time for booking tours (at least on college campuses) so maybe it would be fine if i got it. we'll see!

i'm trying to be better about structuring my time and being productive as a self-educator/employer, but it's still a challenge. i have a lot of ideas and projects and time i just need to be more motivated and focused. but this is nothing new.

i will be going back to massachusetts around my birthday next month which i'm really psyched about! of course, if i get this internship it will cut into my spring break time since it starts that week. hmmm...

daylight savings nyc

i woke up in brooklyn sunday. we sprung forward an hour overnight which was appropriate. my brief trip to nyc was definitely worth it. i got to spend the afternoon with my dad who had been on vacation there since wednesday night. we walked around times square and central park, enjoying the warm weather. i got to meet up with jesse for dinner in the east village after she got out of work. afterwards i took the subway to brooklyn where i met up with jon after an unfortunately pretentious panel discussion on photography he had just been on. we walked back to his apartment in greenpoint, where i crashed.

sunday morning we walked around the neighborhood and jon took portraits of me with his new camera. i had to catch a 1:30 bus back to philly but i had just enough time to meet cristy road for breakfast. she just joined the aid and abet roster and i'm psyched to work with her and set up some sucessful for tours later in the year.

during the bus ride i cleared my head and felt good about the trip. arriving right near philly's 30th street station i bumped into dave end who was taking a train up to nyc to rehearse for a big performance he's doing with kimya dawson at carnegie hall soon. he also informed me that kimya will be playing at the unitarian church in philly the next day and he might join her for a song or two.

i jumped on the subway toward 5th st. and made it with enough time to get a snack before the wooden shoe collective meeting which i was facillitating at 5:00. the meeting went well as we approved the restructuring of the collective's bylaws which we passed at a daylong retreat two weeks ago. it's the beginning of a new era for this radical institution and i'm excited to be part of it right now.

discovering the end of the rainbow!

i woke up this morning exclaiming "today is gonna be a good day!" it's been a good week. sort of unbelievable that today could be any better than the last couple but i have a feeling in my gut.

yesterday saw a pre-sunrise bike ride with lv to the upenn dental school. she put her name down to be seen later in the morning and we walked around a bit as the sun slowly emerged into our day. i got home around 9:30 am after they finally called her number. my housemate adam greeted me from the kitchen as i walked in the front door, reminding me that it was rent day and that i should put my check up on the fridge with the others. i nervously confirmed my awareness of this fact as i headed upstairs to check my bank balance online.

the day before, after a little research, i figured out how to find the status of my tax refund on the irs website. my refund was due to be directly deposited on march 5th! with that knowledge, i took a deep breath and closed my eyes as the page displaying my balance loaded. this has become a routine over the past couple weeks, an act i have performed many times each day with the hope of newfound riches at my disposal. but this time i was more optimistic. i opened my eyes and gleeful discovered two additional digits in my checking account! enough to cover this month's rent and maybe even next month's too!

i wrote out my check to the landlord and posted it on the fridge with the others. everything is going to be okay. spring is almost here.

marching ahead

march is always a wild card. the snow that arrived in the middle of the night during the final hours of february, and the initial hours of this new month, began to melt in today's bright sun. something shifted today. i busted out my review of the new thermals album for jesse's website sadie, and finally figured out how i will cover my rent this month. what a relief! inhale. exhale.

now i have returned to my new favorite cafe on 43rd and locust where you get two free refills, the sun shining through the big windows facing the street. i am determined and focused now to finally finish this article i've been working on about our new president and the challenge of social movements to develop strategies to navigate this new political climate. things are starting to fall into place. i think spring is afoot...

formula for focusing

nearly 6 years after graduating college i am still struggling to figure out how to focus and get work done. deadlines are meaningless. i need urgency to accomplish anything. i'll wake up early with hopes of having a productive day and then before i know it the sun is setting and i have nothing to show except a headache. but i know it's a process of a larger process. trying to finish an article today a couple weeks past when it was originally due. now it's urgent. time to focus.

free at noon

in philly, you can see a free concert every friday at noon. sponsored by npr affiliate wxpn (based at upenn), the world live cafe hosts premium live music each week for free--usually touring bands playing in the city that night.

i discovered this the week i moved here. an increasing popular northampton band called the winterpills just happened to be playing there my second day in philly. lv and i walked the 15 or so blocks before arriving at this venue that feels more like a museum when you enter it than a music club. there is a little stage in the street-level restaurant where smaller, mostly acoustic acts play, but the free at noon bands perform downstairs in the music hall replete with full bar and the biggest sound board i have ever seen.

it's always disorienting walking in to this dimly-lit, windowless space from the sun of high noon, in addition to being at a concert in the middle of the day with a few hundred other people who are either unemployed or skipping work. but once your eyes adjust you can begin to appreciate the siutation.

at the end of january i had the pleasure of seeing devotchka who were so fun to see live with their vast array of instruments. i returned again yesterday for a concert featuring two songwriters i had never heard or seen before: john wesley harding and m. ward.

i use the word concert very consciously. i enjoy going to see free live music in the middle of the day on fridays as much as anyone else, but there's something detatched about the culture that stirs up an awareness and pride of my punk roots. it's a strange dichotomy: watching free music in a deeply commercial (even if xpn is "member supported") space. on the wall next to the stage where the bands play, the logo for comcast is projected underneath the xpn call numbers. the majority of musicians fall under the oxymoronic "commercial indie" genre, which for me is sometimes a guilty pleasure. i love devotchka's music but what is the significance of a band gaining noteriety from a movie soundtrack? and i know not every band can be fugazi, but i just feel like integrity is important. of course this won't prevent me from continuing to go to the free at noon concerts it's just things that i can't stop thinking about while i'm there...

in defense of joel kovel

this week my alma mater, bard college, decided that it would not renew the contract of one of my mentors, professor joel kovel. this is undoubtedly a result of the college's unfortunate allegiance with the state of israel and joel's outspoken, principled critique of zionism and the escalating oppression of palestinians in the occupied territories. read his statement about the situation here.

the following is a letter of protest that i wrote to the president and vice president of bard:

Dear Leon and Dmitri,

As a Bard alum, I am writing to express my shock and disapproval of the college's recent decision to terminate one it's finest professors, Joel Kovel. Not only did I learn a great deal from Joel's classes, I considered him a mentor and a friend. He was an amazing resource for his students and was extremely supportive of those of us committed to political organizing on and off campus.

It is outrageous to me that Professor Kovel never received tenure during his 20 plus years teaching at Bard. Your decision to not renew his contract is an insult to those of us that gained so much from him. Furthmore, this unfortunate action undermines the values of academic freedom that the college was founded on and that both of you have claimed a committment to during your time there.

As similar letters pour in from around the world in support of Professor Kovel it should become uncomfortably clear what an egregious mistake you have made. I urge you to reinstate him immediately or to at least issue a public apology.

Sincerely,

Matt Dineen, Class of 2003

back in philly (part II)

since i've been back in philly it's been like this: new room, up and down 48th st. in between here and lv's place two blocks away, applying for paid internship with the prometheus radio project, back to volunteering at the wooden shoe, starting to work with cristy road for aid & abet, crossing my fingers for tax refund to arrive before march rent is due, feeling more like i actually live here, grateful for the lack of ice or snow, no money but lots of love, can't wait for spring...

r.i.p. tj

when i visited my mother in new hampshire last week tj, the cat that's been in our family for over 22 years, wasn't doing to well. her health had gone down since my last visit a few months ago. her fur looked pretty ragged and her hind legs were wobbly. i'll spare you the more digusting details.

i talked to my mom today and she shared with me the bad news: she found tj dead earlier in the week, curled up in the closet with the cat door, tongue sticking out. so sad.

tj stands for tigger junior. my brother's cat tigger was hit by a car when i was 5 years and we got tj a few months later from someone that my mom worked with. i remember the night tigger died. paul was really devastated and he sat on the living room floor listening to "every rose has it's thorn" by poison on the radio:

every rose has its thorn
just like every night has its dawn
just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song
every rose has its thorn

i feel grateful that i was able to see tj one last time before she passed away. as my mom pointed out, "she's been such a thread connecting our family all these years." she had her cremated and will bury her ashes in the spring under a forsythea bush.

rest in peace, tigger junior...

little glimpses

when spring actually arrives, for real, it will be so extrordinary. we're not there yet--not even in temperate, ice and snow-free philadelphia. when it does get here, everything will become alive again. it's the greatest feeling in the world. i've found that it's necessary, although frustrating, to have these little glimpses of the possibility of spring throughout the final months of winter. it keeps me going until the real thing makes it.

after a nice visit to boston i am back in philly, slowly moving into my new house. the possibilty of early spring is fueling everything right now. it's good to be back.

february visit

i've been back in new england for a week. when i left philly it was sunny and warm. spring was in the air and i was feeling good. soon after arriving in northampton the "snow showers" predicted by the weather channel started to fall on my old town. my nose started running within an hour of being back. sniffle. sniffle. emily opened up her apartment to me and let me use her car the next day to drive to evolution. i worked the lunch shift and got paid in cash. it kind of felt like i had never left, like the month of january had never happened. despite drinking heather's amazing conconction of raw garlic, ginger, lemon juice and cayenne, i felt sick and wiped out when i got out and just went to bed early instead of going out dancing at the basement. didn't sleep well that night, waking up dehydrated and blowing my nose.

wednesday morning i walked through town for the first time since december, but just to stop by the bank and then straight to the bus station. i made it just in time to hop on the 10:30 bus to brattleboro where my mom was meeting me. she could tell i was sick before i even got in the car and i basically spent the next two days relaxing at her house and taking care of myself. the first night there i realized that one year ago i was in the same place, surrounded by snow, house-sitting for her while she was on vacation in the dominican republic. one year later, i listened to a certain album that i associate with that week, filled with mixed feelings. it was all too weird and appropriate.

i felt a little better when i took the bus back to northampton friday. i got in just in time to work one more shift back at the cafe. i was reunited with austin and we trudged through a crazy night featuring a concert that made my head pound. it was all worth it for the free food and money. definitely my last shift ever though!

saturday was the first day that i was actually able to hang out and be back in northampton for real and it felt good. it was great seeing old friends again that i have missed a lot and i had so much fun dancing and running around town again.

i woke up early and walked to my old apartment building to make sure my bike still existed. it was securely locked up and even had plenty of air in the tires! my mom drove down before work to meet me for breakfast and paul came up with lee and her daughter too. it was really nice to see them all before i went back to philly.

this morning i returned to valley free radio as a guest on tony and keely's show parapolitics. we talked about the new administration and the forging of new activist strategyies with obama in office. i'm trying to write an article about it all using the inauguration as a metaphor for this dilemma and the lack of visible dissent at his swearing in, particularly compared to those of bush in 2001 and 2005. that's what i'm doing now with my last day here.

tomorrow, amanda and are going on a field trip to boston. i'm excited to see tyler after so many months since our last visit. then back to philly on wednesday. i'm looking forward to feeling like i actually live there, after a month of just visiting, as i will move into my own place. also can't wait to see my sweetheart who i miss so much...see you soon!!

divided psyche

pour me a glass of paralyzing bad habits and distractions. pinch my nose and force it down my throat. every. last. drop. dreams colonized by the existence of reality tv. but not tonight. wrap me up in kleenex soaked in nyquil. fold my clothes on top of piles of pet dander. two days of being in elementary school again. press hard on the remote control. my desires are drowned out by static and commercial breaks. it's over now. i'm surrounded by hardcover books i will never read. let's crash the art show. pretend we enjoy photographs of sunrises as much as the free grapes and crackers. everything is in hibernation-mode. but still, they call this a warm front. here's a patch of my skin. keep it somewhere safe for the next time i leave. trust me. i'm not stranded. not yet.

the chonology of a wageslave trage-comedy

a month after my last day of work, i finally got paid today. the following is me trying to make sense of it all...

monday, dec. 29th: my last day of work at the cafe.

wednesday, dec. 31st: leave northampton for philly.

friday, jan. 2nd: paychecks are issued. my address in philly hangs on the cafe's bulletin board.

thursday, jan. 8th: check has not arrived. i call the cafe and the owner explains that there was a mix up between him and the manager about who was going to mail it to me and, oh, sure enough, it was just sitting there as i anticipated the mail delivery each day. he promised to mail it before the end of the day.

monday, jan. 12th: the check has still not arrived.

tuesday, jan. 13th: i call the cafe again to inform them that i still have not received my check and acquire the owner's cell phone number. i leave a brief, stern message on the voicemail of said cell phone.

friday, jan. 16th: are you fucking kidding me? my former boss receives a more caustic, blunt message on his voicemail. he calls back like everything is cool: "oh, i mailed it a few days ago. and yesterday i mailed the check for your tip money. so you should be getting them soon." i call the cafe to give them the update.

saturday, jan. 17th: the absence of this money begins to affect every aspect of my life and complicate this transition in a new city. psychologically distracted from other projects, i begin to check craigslist for jobs. getting home late after my first volunteer shift at the wooden shoe anarchist bookstore, i find the check that he sent for my tips. it was sent the day after my paycheck, which still has not arrived.

tuesday, jan. 20th: i call the cafe to ask about w-2 forms. one of my former co-workers leaves the owner a note about the persistant non-arrival of my paycheck.

wednesday, jan. 21st: he calls me back after seeing the note. we agree that it was most likely lost in the mail and if does not arrive by the end of the week then he send me a new one.

friday, jan. 23rd: i leave him yet another message informing him that i still have not received the check and that it is his responsibilty, especially since he did not get it in the mail when originally promised (x2), to get me my money as soon as humanly possible. he is instructed to return my call with a plan of action. an hour later he leaves me a message about the payroll company cancelling the first check and mailing him a new one. he will then send me the new check via priority mail, probably monday or tuesday. the message ends with the word, "peace." it is later replayed for lv on speakerphone.

wednesday, jan. 28th: message left while i am doing work informs me that the new paycheck has arrived and that he had it sent to "overnight." i have to be present to sign for it when it gets here around noon.

thursday, jan. 29th: at 10:15 am the dog barks. looking out the window i see the postal truck drive away and subsequently discover a slip in the mailbox informing that i would have to wait until tomorrow to pick it up at a local post office. fucking unreal.

friday, jan. 30th (today): i walk the treacherously icy sidewalks toward the post office at 53rd and florence. it's sunny today but i am hating on philly in all kinds of ways. i eventually figure out how to get around (or over, to be more accurate) the train tracks that split the neighborhood like a spinal chord. at 4:00 pm i sign for my express mail and am delighted to see the cost to ship it overnight: $15.20

maybe there is some justice after all? next week i will be returning to visit western mass and will simply deposit this check into my account there. ridiculous. it's over...

the sidewalks are watching me think about you (part III)

i think things are beginning to look up. next month i will be moving into a beautiful house with friends, mere blocks from lv, called international waters. this weekend we will try to forget all our worries and retreat to the post-bush district of columbia. it's warmer today and people are smiling a little more. money continues to be a paralyzing force in the lives of nearly everyone i know, but collectively we can help discover temporary band aids to get through the tough spots. all the while holding those accountable for fucking us over. i miss my friends in northampton and look forward to visiting soon. here's a kiss, a postcard, and box of cupcakes for all of you! ;-*

the extended re-mix of history on repeat

as i write this, a new president is being inaugurated. my toes are cold and looking out the window i see two small dogs shivering, waiting patiently for their guardians to finish their lunch indoors. the local football team lost. my final paycheck still hasn't arrived. the political is intimately personal this winter, and on a local and global-scale i see history on repeat like a skipping record. please don't hold the door open. it's a walk-in freezer out there filled with frost-covered concrete and nude tree branches blowing in the frigid breeze. i'm choking on pennies. five dollar bills are not a reliable method of birth control in this new millenium. close the fucking door. breathe. as i finish writing this dick cheney is exiting the slave-built white house in a wheel chair. clenching his cane light a rifle, 2 million people wave good bye...

when the tape slows down it means the battery's dead

the windows are covered in frost. is the world closed for the day? surprisingly, the door is not locked and the lights are not off. everyone is huddled inside, sipping coffee, listing to outkast and early 90's crust punk. our dreams begin to overlap and we can now make references to the ones that we've shared. i have to remind myself where i am. forget about the day of the week and time...what fucking year is it anyway? what is this alternate universe i'm surrounded by? sitting in a circle, going over the consensus decision-making process, i am 19 years old again listening attentively to the meeting's facilitator. hold my hand. melt my alienation in your sweaty palm. this is starting to feel more real.

goodbye vfr, hello wooden shoe?

since i left northampton i have maintained contact with valley free radio, following up on some projects and responsibilites. realizing that this has distracted me from the work that i want to be working on here, i decided on monday to unsubscribe from the station's e-mail list and start to move on. approximately 15 minutes after my confirmation message that googlegroups had removed me from both the discussion and announcement lists i received another e-mail welcoming me to the wooden shoe books listserve.

i had recently submitted the form to volunteer at philly's formidable radical bookstore/infoshop and apparently they just added me to their email list to keep me up to date on events, meetings, and the global anarchist struggle. part of me is nervous about volunteering at wooden shoe. partially it stems from my past experience in madison where i was unemployed, floundering for months, while volunteering at rainbow bookstore cooperative after just missing out on getting hired as paid staff member when i first moved there. but i think i can balance some volunteer work with paid projects and hopefully my experience there will fuel and inspire the other work i'm doing.

still waiting for my final paycheck from evolution, by the way...

back "home" after a field trip to "the" city

returning "home" from a lovely field trip to nyc, i reflect on my first full week in philly. there were ups and downs, challenges and celebratory moments. i'm stressed about my checking account dipping into double digits with no source of income in sight. meanwhile my incompetent former-boss has yet to mail me my final paycheck. food not bombs dinner at the a-space, an inspiring performance by bread and puppet theater, and a vibrant discussion at the wooden shoe (local anarchist bookstore) about the recent insurrection in greece feed my passion and remind me of this city's infinite potential. amazing to spend quality time with my sweetheart without worries of imminent departures, bus schedules and craigslist rideshares looming over us. still not sure where i will be living in february or whether or not i will be able to afford to live period, but fairly optimistic that something will work out. it always seems to, right?

nyc. we took the city by storm friday night after deciding not to navigate the subway deep into the bowels of brooklyn to erik petersen's mischief brew set at a house show. instead, we walked around lower manhattan in disgust and awe of the spectacle that permeates the streets. we sought out pockets of resistance finding ourselves sipping coffee and reading the onion in the low-lit cafe that was once a record/bookstore; a show raging in the bar below. we were on a date. we meandered our way toward washington square park and had dinner at one of the neighboring vegetarian establishments before indulging in cupcakes. we eventually retreated to the subway toward park slope where we were staying for the weekend with lv's friend tal.

on saturday we walked all over brooklyn and ran into some familiar faces, while meeting some new ones. surly northampton baristas transplanted to this strange urban world, prince and pearl jam rotating on the stereo. a bizarre afternoon children's birthday party at a neighborhood bar. heart racing, i resisted the urge to steal all of their cupcakes. spicy mexican dinner and kindly discounted red velvet cake was followed by an incredible event to benefit make/shift magazine.

hosted in a ft. greene apartment of supporter's the rsvp benefit featured readings from contributors and a chance to meet the magazine's editors who were visiting from LA. after coincidences, surprise people, and networking the reading began. halfway through the first person's piece i felt my nose running which was strange since i did not have a cold. sure enough, my fingers appeared bloody after inspecting the situation, lv was horrified as we sat there silently. i felt like every eyeball in the crowded living room was focused on my nostrils as napkins were procured as i tilted my head back, or forward..."wait, which one is it?" this hasn't happened in 9 years! i retreated to the bathroom after the first reader was done deconstructing the movies of al pacino and diane keaton. every word was torture until it ended. the blood stopped flowing and i thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the event. so glad we made it, really.

after walking the snowy streets and flawlessly riding the controversial G train we made for the last song of khira's band behavior. it was their first show and cho's variety was packed wall to wall with a disturbing ratio of northampton bodies, which michelle pointed out when she eventually arrived. i had a great night and an overall fun time in "the" city.

navigating the (un)comfort zone

this doesn't seem like winter. i don't know what it feels like; an androgynous season in this strange new city. i feel emotionally grounded but completely alienated from almost everything that surrounds me. taking out library books on the history of the city is my attempt to have some sort control, or at least greater understanding of this urban environment.

how is it so far? i don't even know how to answer this question honestly to myself. i'm alone most of the day but i don't feel lonely yet because i'm getting work done. i have friends here that i just haven't made the effort to reconnect with yet. i don't miss my old home too much yet, but i know i will. i'm focusing more on the impending visit to nyc with lv this weekend and reuniting with good friends there.

for now, i try to scrape together a routine, to sculpt together a comfort zone in this foreign complex land that's mostly intimidating as hell. and i continue to balance on the tight rope of excitement and fear...

northampton to philadelphia

if i ever fall sleep i'll remember my dream,
where everybody's there and nobody leaves
-mischief brew

i think back to last monday, the last monday of 2008. after doing my final radio show and completing my last shift at evolution cafe, emily picked me up at the apartment that i had been living in for over 3 years. when i got in her car she wanted to wish me happy birthday but she paused and realized that even though we were heading to my party it was to commemorate something bittersweet. my going away party was fun but emotionally exhausting with all of those hugs goodbye. i wanted to have it on monday so i would have all day tuesday to get all of my shit together and be ready to hit the road early wednesday morning.

i am the biggest procrastinator in the world. i'm always scheming ways to extend deadlines to put things off even longer until the absolute very latest moment they can get done. it's embarassing. i got off to a late start on tuesday and spent a leisurely morning/afternoon doing laundry and beginning to excavate my bedroom. emily lent me her car when she got out of work in the evening and, with some help from pauly, i packed it with an assortment of belongings to store at my grandmother's house in westfield. i didn't arrive at her house until quarter of 9:00 after a stressful drive alone on 91 and the masspike in which i left a number of frantic voicemail messages for people in my life that i wished were in the passenger seat providing moral support. that's waht the ride home looked like too, except i took the back way, and was a little sorer after carrying everything up to the third floor of her house.

emily and i agreed to leave northampton at 6:00 am to drive to avoid the impending snow storm. by the time 2:00 rolled around i was faced with the reality of staying up all fucking night as piles of material possessions and refuse surrounded me, closing in on my sanity. i was able to take an hour-long power nap at 3:30 which proved to be the difference between making it to philly before the new year. i made countless trips from my fourth floor apartment to the dumpster out back, in the eerie, cold silence of pre-dawn. i sent emily a desperate, apologetic text message at 5:45 explaining that even though i stay up most of the night packing i would not be ready at 6:00 but was aiming for 6:30. i picked her up at 7:00 just as the snow started to fall on this town i was leaving for good. we drove back to my house only to begin loading the car up together and to finish desposing of the last pile of weekly papers i had been hoarding since 2006. we finally got on the highway at 8:00 after brushing the snowing off her car. we hit the road and proceeded to plunge through the state of connecticut at a tortoise-like 30 mph.

we finally arrived in sunny, snowless philadelphia around 5:00 pm. driving over the delaware river we marvelled at the dramatic sunset and it's reflection off the city's triumphant skyline. i pointed out how weird it is that this will be my new home. so strange. we landed in west philly right before lv got home from work with a prime parking spot right in front of her apartment. i felt like half a human as we all carried in my stuff that filled up emily's massive trunk, before taking a much deserved nap. feeling more human, i got dressed up fancy with lv before we headed to a lovely dinner party in heath's bedroom. i managed to stay up until midnight and almost got kicked out of gojo's for wearing a "happy new year" plastic tierra instead of the more gender-conforming plastic top hat. 2009 had arrived and i was ready to crash. the longest day of my life had culminated with a kiss in this new city and a new year.

monday hearts

it's monday morning and i'm starting a new job, sort of. for the past 3 years, my usual monday would look something like this: wake up around 8:00, bike 3.5 miles to the florence community center to do my radio show from 9-10, do some work at the station or get coffee with tony before going to work at evolution at 11, work til 6ish.

this monday is a completely different beast despite waking up around the same time: i made coffee and oatmeal for sweetheart and then after she left for work i made my way down the street to the satellite cafe (sort of the haymarket of west philly) where i now find myself, struggling to be productive, to approach the projects i'm working on as a full-time job that my life is structured around. in 2 hours i will be checking out a room in a house in the neighborhood that i might move into before the end of the month. this is my new life in philly that i am slowly adjusting too. i miss the old mondays but am embracing this new one.

tony sent me an e-mail around 9:30 informing me that the last episode of passions and survival that i recorded last monday was being replayed this morning, just in case some listeners missed my final show. maybe next monday too. and even though i will be here in this strange new city each monday, my heart will be on the airwaves and in florence and in northampton with people that i miss so much.

it's the dawning of a new era

i shouldn't even be writing this. there's too much to do. literally. there are more tasks than minutes left before i leave, but i've been wanting to do this for a while now.

despite saying it over and over again the past week, the fact that i am moving to philadelphia tomorrow is still completely surreal. so is leaving northampton. that felt a little more tangible this morning as i woke up to bare walls and piles of belongings in my bedroom. i spent the afternoon excavating the closet in which i have collected clothes in over the past 3 years.

yesterday was fun but exhausting with all of the emotional goodbyes and see-you-laters. in the morning i did my final radio show after producing "passions and survival" almost every monday since january 2006. then i had breakfast with my mom before working my final shift at evolution. so many endings making way for new beginnings.

i had a lot of fun at my going away party and really appreciated all of the great friends that came out for it to sing karaoke. i walked home after the snow dusted over northampton and was in awe of its beauty. a friend who lives in minnesota now recently pointed out that northampton looks really gorgeous when you're leaving it. well, i'll miss you dearly but don't worry...i'll be back to visit often!

i will be waking up soon and driving to philly with my best friend here who i will miss so much, emily gallagher. how amazing is it that she offered to give me a ride on new year's eve? here's to a new era...

nourish

what a moment. when so many things in one's life are up in the air, when destiny is determined by countless variables that are all seemingly at odds with each other, every day produces a series of newsflashes: the gas almost got turned out, we decided to just tell the landlord we're moving out and not pay rent this month, my brother didn't get the job, etc.

after another visit to the city that i will soon be calling home, i'm still trying hard to make it all seem real in my head. i keep looking at the calendar: "december," it keeps reading back to me. okay. it helps a little. it also reads: "nourish," which is a lot more helpful.

somehow, we're going to have to remove everything from this apartment that i've lived in for the past 3 years. i've received advice about chopping up the huge desk in my bedroom. i guess i could try to sell things that i don't need, but i seem to be horrible at things that involve acquiring money. hmmm...

i also need to have my mail forwarded, cancel gas and electricity, find someone take over fundraising at the radio station and all the other logistical drudgery involved with moving away that's probably painfully boring to read about.

i reminded myself today about the pledge i made to myself earlier this year to leave my minimum wage job before the new year. i'm doing it! that gave me a boost.

it's happening.

last month in northampton

wake up. wake up. wake up. it's the first of the month...

my last month in northampton. it hasn't really set in yet that i'm about to make this gigantic life move, but it felt a bit more real waking up this morning. walking the streets, i reflect on the past 3 1/2 years here and what it means to be leaving this town. i know i'm ready for change, and i know that i can also come back to visit. i have a lot to do, but i'm ready for the challenge.

alone again, four years later

my voice is slowly returning to normal. during the two nights i spent in new hampshire earlier this week i drank hundreds of gallons of filtered water, and went through at least a dozen bags of herbal tea. i also ate lots of homemade cookies and pie and a third of a tofurky. maybe it all got balanced out, i'm not sure. my voice got scratchier and more painfully pubescent as the night grew later. when the period that free cellphone minutes arrived, and my sweetheart was free to chat, my words were awkward skeletons straining to breathe dusty air.

returning to northampton in the middle of another dubious national holiday yesterday, i marvelled at the deserted streets. i got dropped off at home and didn't leave until well after the sun set and then rose again. i spent a delightful afternoon and evening alone, not straining my voice, doing as i pleased with no agenda to speak of. i grabbed my guitar and then halfway through a song grabbed a book on my bookshelf that caught my eye. i simultaneously strummed a chord and read a quote from an old professor of mine on the psychology of racism. i made tea, baked a pretzel, did whatever i pleased with the bathroom door open. i wore layers and comfortable sat around with the heat off.

i could've spent the day on cape cod with my dad or walked through the streets of plymouth mourning the ongoing genocide of native peoples. but i was content in my solitude, taking care of myself, getting healthy again.

making sense of last week

last week commemorated the births of two people i'm related to and those of countless others, close and distant; along with the death of someone loved by someone i now love, and saw the death of the father of someone i work with.

it officially became cold. tension and conflict permeated the frigid air. miscommunication, straight up insults, threats of lawsuits, ignoring inappropriate friend requests--all commenced as we layered up, armed with mittens, scarfs, and winter hats. is this winter?

last week i was centered, immune to it all. i surprised the surprisers. triumphant, until i began coughing and sniffling. and now today i found myself making your lunch with gloves, my nose dripping, my vocal chords unable to articulate the words transmitted from my brain. we were all damaged in our own special way, but i left early and haven't left home since.

survive

sitting together in anticipation, we slowly flip the next page of the calendar: survive. the crows stand defiantly in the puddles, staring up at the emerging sun as it begins to drown out the ominous storm clouds surrounding them. the prospects of a new year are like those beams of light radiating from the sun. it's still raining on us. our feet are wet. but soon the tunnels will recede and everything will be fresh, new and, most importantly, close. we are invincible.

dreaming of insomniacs

shake me out of my comfort zone. feed my brain with seeds of a new world. there's too much at stake right now to sit on our asses watching romantic comedies. give me your words and i'll turn it into a song. join me at the grand opening of the corporate clothing store on main street and help me hand out molotov cocktail-shaped candies to teenage consumers. bring the wheat paste recipe tonight and we'll cover the town with our maps of picnic tables. meet me at my favorite one, where we'll conduct interviews at 12:30 am. the day after tomorrow is today.

we're all presidents: election night part two

we had already bounced all over downtown, but we needed a change of scenery. we needed a better setting to witness the big speech. i'm sure for some it was exhausting, but i really appreciated how on that night the only thing on people's lips was politics. it was a glimpse of what it's like in countries with a richer, more informed year round political culture. a contagious sense of participation and purpose permeated the streets, workplaces, schools, bars, and cafes--in northampton and all across the country.

we briskly walked across town as hundreds of thousands of chicagoans eagerly awaited the historic speech in grant park. when we arrived at the backroom of packards to an enthusastic crowd that had graciously saved us a seat to view the big screen tv on the wall. minutes later obama began his speech. despite my mixed, even ambivalent feelings about his victory i have to admit to being moved in that moment.

returning to the warm november night outside, honking cars and screams of joys came from all directions. i decided to embrace it by borrowing a guitar from a kid sitting on main street across from city hall. i belted out the only song that made sense:

we're all presidents. we're all congressmen. we're all cops in waiting. we're the workers of the world. there is the elite and the dispossessed. and it's only about survival. who has skill to play the game for all it's worth. and reach an obscure kind of perfection.

just before we reached the point in the song where the guitar drops out and handclaps take over, a police officer walked up to us and asked if i had a permit. he commanded me to stop playing. after he left, we resumed singing with handclaps:

and we rock. because it's us against them. we found our own reasons to sing...

we continued to sing other songs and keep the handclaps going as we walked to the dance party. the small crowd outside the basement was quietly smoking cigarettes when we showed up, still singing. but inside it was an epic celebration. we danced as hard as we could to "you can get it if you really want" and "let me clear my throat." when the ceo of the iron horse entertainment group, the owner of this building we danced in, arrived i had a thought that he might not be as excited as the rest of us.

if president obama does, as he promised on the campaign trail, to roll back bush's tax cuts for the wealthy this may negatively impact small-town capitalist eric suher. feeling fiesty, i approached him after using the bathroom to express my condolences for this potential threat to his assets. "what?!" he replied, caught off guard. "i said, i'm sorry to hear that you may lose your tax break under the new president." grumbling something inaudible beneath the booming dance beats, he was visibly angered. i smiled and just danced away.

we left a little early only to discover a smaller, but just as spirited dance party on the street. "groove is in the heart" played from a boombox as passerby smiled and cheered, some joining us. "what is love" began and we walked into the night, embracing the potential of a new future.

spinning on that dizzy edge

last night was fun. in places like west philly, detroit, new orleans, harlem, and obviously chicago a collective bonfire of joy spread into the streets, triumphantly raging into the wee hours. in northampton it was more like an organic scented candle of relief, but we made the most of it.

as the returns came in and john mccain prepared his concession speech, we ran down the street for some live karaoke. i decided earlier that i had to sing. it had just been too long. after the band's intermission was over i chose a song from the piles of lyric sheets strewn across the bar. "surrender" by cheap trick--an appropriate lullaby for the arizona senator as his supporters, that angry sea of white in phoenix, booed obama's name.

"we played that one earlier," the guitarist informed me. "sorry."

someone else came up and sang a beatles song. i came back up with my second choice: "say it ain't so" by weezer. again for mr. mccain. but again, a song they had already played during their first set. crazy, no? so finally i chose a more celebratory tune that was a non-repeat: "just like heaven," by the cure. as i sung from the stage with this live band i thought less about the election results and more about the person i missed so much who was celebrating three states away:

show me how you do that trick. the one that makes me scream, she said. the one that makes me laugh, she said. and threw her arms around my neck. show me how you do it. and i promise you. i promise that i'll run away with you. i'll run away with you.

my performance was followed by hotel california, replete with wanking guitar solos, as the number of people smoking cigarettes outside outnumbered those watching the music. it was clearly time to move on and to witness history.

we can all fly

let's create soundtracks to this moment. an amalgamation of your most meaningful songs of fall with mine. we'll break into that beautiful abandoned church and play these songs from the rusty boombox we found on the street, singing along at the top of our lungs. this is our last chance to not get caught.

i hope to learn more about the pronunciation of rivers, the best bicycle routes, and secret cupcake shops. and i know that you'll expertly teach me all of it. we will learn more together. we'll lay in the park, protected by the most ferocious of guard dogs, excavating the sky for cloud bunnies and horses. they all look like horses.

i close my eyes and we are rolling around in the snow, smiles ear to ear. it's cold, but we're not.

chinatown bus & craigslist rideshare

exactly 9 hours after leaving philly i return to my home in northampton. as always, the trip was completely worth it. and despite the absurd amount of time spent enroute it was so much less stressful and traumatic (emotionally and financially) than the last time.

we were kurt and courtney for halloween. my voice was shot from singing along to every word of the misfits and minor threat (and some jawbreaker) cover bands in that west philly basement. i saw people from bard, northampton and other areas of my life as the universe shrunk just a little more. with some of them, i was too uncomfortable to say hello with my costume so i sort of avoided them. eventually, i felt confident enough being "the girl with most cake" and greeted dan berger, explaining who i was underneath the hot mess before we hugged and caught up. being there was important. it made me realize that there's a really vibrant community there that i can be a part of if i want. that i can sing-along with and maybe collaborate in all kinds of other ways.

the rest of the visit was pretty magical and i'm excited about january. congrats to lv for getting a job! everything is so ripe for potential right now. eating apple cobbler and drinking cider i think, exhale, and realize how lucky i am.

the election and baseball in philadelphia or, the politics of excitement

waking up this morning in west philadelphia, i lay in bed singing: i remember halloween, this day anything goes...happy halloween everybody. there's a really special urgency enveloping this city with the phillies winning the world series the night i arrived (celebratory riots unsuing), the subsequent victory parade occupying center city as i write this, inumberable halloween parties, shows, and haunted houses later this evening, and of course the looming presidential election that has brought pennsylvania into the spotlight as a so-called swing state. folks here are on the pulse of it all, spinning the wheel of history during this exciting moment.

even though it is a really special time to be here, i feel alienated from a lot of it. these four nights will be my longest visit to the city of "brotherly love" so i am very much so a mere visitor, an outsider. but i am flirting with relocating here in the very near future. maybe this weekend is my proper initiation?

i am excited for phillies fans, but i can't sincerely express that same excitement myself since i didn't even follow the series at all. maybe next year i will study up on the team and attempt to become a fan--except during interleague play against the red sox. i kind of feel the same way about the election and specifically the obama campaign. i don't want john mccain to be president, just as i didn't want the tampa bay rays (who beat the sox in the acls) to be the world champs. but i don't share the passion for obama and his politics that a lot of folks here, and across the nation, have been catalyzed by. i will be excited for them when he is elected (presumably in a landslide, depending on how much funny business the republican machine deploys) next week, but i will not be sincerely excited about his victory, just relieved.

i think we all deserve something more: collective liberation, a fundamentally new society, not just a new commander-in-chief with a gentler vision of empire. i will be more excited by the work people are doing toward actualizing the former than an election that will be over in 4 days. this work will persist well beyond november 4th. of course, i recognize that some of the policies of a new democratic administration will have real, positive impacts on lives across the world. but i still think we need to dream of a an even bigger change. to: "be realistic. demand the impossible."

a different kind of foliage: disaster and resistance

when i was in college, the activist lending library had a copy of seth tobocman's classic book you don't have to fuck people over to survive. that was my first introduction to this legendary nyc-based political artist who founded the still-vital publication world war 3 illustrated. during my junior year i went down to brooklyn with my roommate jon for the release party of tobocman's latest book portraits of israelis and palestinians. his unique political art has always taken on the most pressing issues of the day with an often devasting honesty.

so with all of this respect i have for him and his work, i was excited to see that he would be visiting the pioneer valley this month with the release of his newest book disaster and resistance: comics and landscapes for the 21st century (ak press). i was even more excited when erika from food for thought books e-mailed me about having seth on my radio show the day before the event! touring with his nyc friends, erik blitz and steve wishnia who play drums and bass while seth performs pieces from his books, they had a couple events in holyoke over the weekend with local artist and fellow world war 3 editor rebecca migdal at paper city studios.

on monday morning, after my interview on parapolitics with tommi avicolli mecca was aired, the whole crew squeezed into the cozy valley free radio studio. i was a little anxious about having live music on my show since it would be the first time, but it went really well. rebecca performed a piece about indigenous struggles in belize based on her recent trip there. seth followed with his account of the resistance in new orleans' lower ninth ward following hurricane katrina. the last half of the the show featured a conversation with all of them about these issues, and the challenge of artisits and activists following their passions under capitalism. they followed me over to the cafe where i work afterwards for a less formal discussion.

it was great to see the performances accompanied by visuals last night at food for thought. i wish i had gotten their a little earlier to participate in the stencil-making workshop for youth, but i had still had a really great time. it was one of those events that left me feeling inspired and connected to something bigger--a global movement of people dedicated to changing the world.

a different kind of foliage: avanti popolo

this past weekend was declared to be the peak of the fall foliage in western massachusetts. the weather was perfect, hiking trails amidst the radiantly changing leaves were over-crowded beyond capacity. i didn't get to fully appreciate and participate in all of this as much as i would've like to, but the past week has seen a different, aseasonal sort of vibrancy.

last tuesday i conducted a phone interview at vfr, along with parapolitics co-host keely malone, with san francisco's tommi avicolli mecca, co-editor of the new anthology avanti popolo: italian-american writers sail beyond columbus. tommi talked about the importance of italian-americans to reclaim their history and heritage by rejecting the genocidal legacy of columbus in favor of more admirable italian-americans such as anarchist martyrs nicola sacco and bartolomeo vanzetti. "i prefer to call this holiday sacco and vanzetti day." tommi also talked about coming out as queer--live on televsion(!)--when he was an undergrad at temple university in the 1970's and the backlash he endured from his conservative family. that story was told after he read one his poems featured in the book about his father.

on monday, as some americans celebrated "columbus day" we broadcasted this interview. that evening there were 3 events nationwide--in san francisco, new york, and philadelphia--celebrating the release of avanti popolo, with contributing writers from each city performing pieces from the book, published by manic d press. i want to thank my friend james tracy, another contributor and co-editor of the book, for contacting me about making this happen. dump columbus!

leaving empty lives

"The truth is that I don't necessarily want things to get easier, because things that are easy also tend to be safe and boring." -Give Me Back zine, issue #4

i open my eyes and it's fall of '99 all over again. my body is propelled out of bed with ease, in unison with the sunrise on barely 5 hours of sleep. a couple days worth of clothing, a toothbrush, zines, a book, my walkman, and some mixtapes are all packed and ready to go for the absurd journey ahead. prophetic lines are sung to me in my headphones, the soundtrack to this moment recreating itself 9 years later:

i need a way to measure the distance/my fury's rising faster than bus-fares

wake up and pack your bag/to whom it may concern/there's a bus that's leaving half an hour from now/it won't take her where she really wants to go/so she sits there with her luggage at her side/leaving empty stations, leaving empty lives

there's no question that it was worth it, despite everything. i dream of timelines, maps, completed to-do lists with love notes on the back. the pros and cons of starting over, of beginning a new life bounce back and forth like a frantic ping pong match. right now, everything seems to be pointing to: yes. a new year holds the promise of new possibilities. and this is scary. but i'm more scared of staying safe. safe and bored.

reclamation

the windows in my bedroom are finally closed so i can hear the tick/tock of the clock that i forgot about over the hum of traffic. the calendar has been turned once again and now the word reclaim hangs above my head. everything is really coming together right now as my life begins to shift in new, exciting directions. the urgency of fall has arrived. i take on the weight of the elements fearlessly, even if i can only find left-handed gloves in my ghastly overflowing closet.

i want to be present for all the people in my life that are dealing with heavy shit right now...and that seems to be nearly everyone i'm close to. i'm here. fueled by the strength of autumn.

promise

i realized the other day that i hadn't even thought about the fact that the summer is over and i'm not going back to school. that first september after college was so strange and significant after 17 years in a row of institutional learning. 5 years later now, it doesn't even cross my mind. i'm excited for all of my friends who are back in school to pursue their dreams, but going to continuing on the path of "higher education" just doesn't make sense to me; at least not right now. it would just be something to do. but there are so many other things that i would rather being doing!

since i turned the page on my bedroom calendar and the word of the month changed from ambush to promise it has seemed like the pace of time has been fundamentally altered. i wake up before 9 am, but just lay there listening to news radio. there's no urgency to get out of bed like there was just a couple weeks ago. this morning i listened to awkward tributes to the victims of the 9-11 attacks 7 years ago and thought about how incredible the weather always is this week. and it is. but the irresistable force of summer adventure has seemed to have slipped through my fingers these past couple weeks. bike rides are just not the same. i don't feel invincible anymore. but the last thing i want to do is live in the past or be held captive by some potential future. for the the immediacy of the summer was all about living in the present moment, not obsessing over fears, and just going for it.

writing down the late-summer bones

the growing piles of books, zines, and overdue bills are threatening to crush me as i attempt to write again. the sheets from both beds in my room are in the dryer downstairs, dirty clothes strewn across the floor. the breeders on the stereo. i've returned to pre-summer stoicism as i breathe in change with each late-summer breath of air. i embrace change as a defense mechanism. change is exciting, both in the shifting trivialities of daily life and the potential of large scale social change--the new society beating in all of our hearts. but change is also really fucking scary. we have to numb ourselves sometimes.

i watch videos of the street protests happening in denver and st. paul against the major u.s. political parties and their conventional spectacles. four years ago i was in new york city during the republican national convention, participating in the critical mass bike ride with over 10,000 others. the idea of going to the twin cities this year was never an option. it's not desirable to me anymore to travel such distances for political uprisings. of course, i'm in solidarity with the actions going on this week and also in denver last week. i guess i'm just not a 20 year old student activist anymore. working toward the creation of alternatives is more appealing to me at this point than following around the global elite in dissent. i'm grateful for those who do. it's just not where i'm at right now.

the sort of change that is in the air here, in this peculiar valley of ours, binds us all together. flights leave for seattle and berlin, while others return from reno and oakland. we commiserate about the return of the students. we celebrate the return of better live music and the approaching beauty of autumn. change is in our water supply. it's in the first leaves to change color and fall to the ground. we commiserate and celebrate.

the enormity of cupcakes and bunnies

some experiences are just too big, too powerful to reduce to the limitations of the written word. this is partially why i haven't written much lately. everything has just been so intense, so otherworldly, so big. language could never do this moment justice.

the moment ended less than an hour ago with a bus station goodbye straight out of the most heart-wrenching 80's movie ever produced. but there are no goodbyes, only see-you-laters. an ending opens up into a new beginning. just the beginning of something even more magical, something even bigger.

i bet most of the people you know enjoy busrides

in southern new hampshire it got cold after the sunset. cold in a way that i haven't felt in months, that first sensation that the summer has begun to recede. the days getting shorter, the fall looming in the near future. i learned that there are two kinds of people in this world: those that enjoy busrides and those who don't. burn collector #13 entertained me on the ride home this afternoon, after the anxiety produced by the greyhound being 45 minutes late. al burians tales of travel misadventures in germany, after a much-feared family reunion there, made me like i had gone through more than the 90 minute ride from keene to northampton. there was the brief stop in greenfield in which i got off the bus to hand my brother an envelope only to get right back on, but it wasn't that eventful beyond that sketchy act. now, i'm happy to be home. ready for another adventurous weekend after a nice contemplative get away.

complete control

woke up this morning craving the clash, knowing it would be a good day. it was a gut feeling. now i have this nice block of time to be alone in my bedroom, to confront the things i have been avoiding for weeks, months, years. laundry drying downstairs, the clash on my turntable. i put a new E string on my neglected guitar and it wasn't even on my to-do list. my arms and fingers just made it happen, as if it was a physical need like drinking water or defacating. this summer needs music! i flip the record over for the third time and anticipate a fun night ahead.

saturday night theater

tonight we celebrated the 3 year birthday of valley free radio. it was this week 3 years ago that the station went on the air during the grassroots radio conference and barnraising facilitated by the prometheus radio project. we sat along the canal in holyoke squinting our eyes, pretending we were in venice for a night. veggie meatballs and frozen cream puffs on the grille. tomorrow is a performance of the taming of the shrew at heather's farm in the berkshire's, featuring a number of evolution characters, blueberry-picking-brunch, and the cafe will be closed to accomodate the show. another anniversary was passed recently, that being my one year working there. honestly, i never thought it would last this long. i'd like to find something new before the year's end but it is so comfortable and mindless. but on the downside...it's so comfortable and mindless. i receive e-mails about ak press hiring again and i fantasize about the bay area. but really, all i can think about is west philly. drool, drool...

in my secret place

i want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth...

the sappiest indie-pop songs make so much sense right now, like they're in synch with the pulse in my left wrist. really, i'm just happy that my bike was where i left it last night after the rain began. it's always a gamble leaving it downtown after sunset. my heart skipped a beat as i turned that corner only to find it leaning against the street sign, a little wet but still fully alive. abandoned but forgiving, ready to ride again. it's gonna be a good day. i can feel it.

playgrounds

i could've been in new york city today, rescuing long-lost bicycles from brooklyn alleyways; or in brattleboro, vermont reading anonymously in coffeeshops and climbing mountains with local superheroes. but instead i'm just here, breathing. i'm wiping the cobwebs off of the growing pile of adult responsibilites multiplying on top of my desk. well, at least in theory. i'm actually sitting in the lamest cafe in town with a dozen other alienated souls, all secretly hoping that one of us will sink each other's electronic battleships. then we could all escape this strange, artificial keyboarded and flat screened world for something fresher, something that we can actually taste and smell.

i'm facing a wall of greeting cards and i think about all of the belated greetings i should be sending across the country. i haven't forgotten about you. i'm just lazy. really, i still care. in simpler times we could just leave cryptic messages on poles and 'spaceship' walls on the playground. two sets of initials added together, sketched into the paint and metal, surrounded by hand-drawn penises and titles of 80's movies. we were part of a secret club that never had to rely on hallmark logos or fancy fonts.

we returned there last night and proudly added our own messages to this twisted tapestery of scribbles and lewd comments. time stopped. and every whisper pierced our ears, as we lay there just waiting to get caught.

ambush august

july is over and so far this new month, labeled ambush on my nikki mcclure calendar, has relentlessly deprived me of alone time. things have been really exciting but i need to stop and think in order to fuel everything else. but i can't get enough of it all. sometimes i'll give myself a quick thought break by spending a little extra time in the bathroom to sing a song in the mirror, or i'll show up early to the after-party and just lie down in the middle of the street watching shooting stars. these are the moments that sustain the passion.

inquire within

sometimes you just need to shave your head and write up a to-do list. inhale. exhale. move forward. there's a break in the rain and i need to go take advantage of that shit. you'll probably see me from heavy traffic, singing at the top of my lungs. i want to make it all happen. now. or just give me a week to let my thoughts germinate. grow, grow, grow. then watch out. ohhhhhh! i have to go, but just wait...

both sides of the river

when you live in a valley, the notion of horizon and the actual time of the sunset are pretty blurry, imprecise. you have to climb to the top of one of the surrounding hills or mountains to have a more authentic perception of the day's end. last night i found myself on top of mt. skinner, celebrating my roommate pete's birthday. gazing out beyond the valley below from the porch of the summit house i saw the horizon. the sun set prematurely under the cluster of thick clouds in the distance, but i can honestly say that i witnessed the sunset.

today i biked to the medows, the flat expanse of farmland that winds around the opposite side of the river and holyoke range. those pink, luminescent puddles scattered up and down its dirt roads that i pointed out last night became extreme challenges to overcome as the sun beat down on my neck. carrying my bike as i shuffled along the edge of corn crops, i forged ahead riding until the next obstacle presented itself. finally reaching the puddle-less stretch toward the airport i looked up at the summit house and thought about the chipmunk that scuttled along its base while i watched the sun set.

late night

i want to be able to remember all of my friends' birthdays without relying on the internet to remind me. i ended up at the wrong party saturday after a long night of work and serving food to white people listening to white people playing jazz, i found myself in the cooley dickinson waiting room. as 4:00 am pressed on i was commiserating with the girl who also had a friend gettting treated for a glass-in-head injury, just before i dozed off while trying to read rebecca solnit's a field guide to getting lost. the rain and thunder raged outside as heads were stapled and i returned home to read the newest issue off the bard college alumni magazine featuring photos from my reunion. before dozing off for real. this may explaing why i feel so tired now...

the show

the show went well. i'm still laughing about the girls who asked me if i was the "owner" of the house. "i don't even live here," i said, smiling, after gaining my composure. all the bands were really great and a lot of good people showed up to rock out to a mid-week, summer basement show. even the rain and lightning couldn't hold us back. griffin and i both broke strings on our guitars. mine was right after singing: i never have and never will pledge allegience! i didn't know the rest of the words of the classic propagandhi anthem anyway so maybe it was for the best that the E string snapped. i just cut right to the outro: those who see through the lies, are quickly gagged and bound. ambition realized: tear the whole fucking thing down! ella and ben were very gracious hosts, particularly given the fact that they didn't know many people there, in their own home. they seemed like they had a nice time too.

i hope more house shows and parties happen this summer. it's so important to create these spaces, even temporarily, in which people can have meaningful interactions outside of market exchanges. no purchases, customer service, tips, or hierarchy. just fun, conversation, dancing, singing, and sharing. there's so much more to write but it's a truly beautiful day and we should all just turn our computers off and go outside...now.

anchor of adventure

this is the peak season for trainhopping, greyhound scams, and other types of ill-advised road trips. mid-summer. even with sky-rocketing fuel costs people are criss-crossing this vast country in search of adventure and connection. with the exception of a possible day trip to nyc (anyone wanna join me?) this sunday i am feeling pretty anchored right now. i am here, in this apartment i moved into 3 years ago, with an extra bed for those on the move.

sunday afternoon hannah-(lastnamesareferfeds) contacted me on couchsurfing.com about crashing in northampton monday night. she was hitchiking from boston so wasn't certain when exactly she would be arriving, but she was aiming to get in before the potluck at 7:00 i invited her too. after work, with an hour before the potluck, i rode bikes with two of my coworkers down to a secret swimming spot in leeds. it was truly amazing. i hadn't been swimming in this area since my first summer here and after a sweaty shift and bike ride i needed it. a return trip is surely in order...

despite travelling from north carolina, hannah knew half of the people at the potluck and it was promptly invited to lori's birthday party saturday upon meeting her. she greeted my coworker with long-lost-friend-type hug as, it turns out, they worked together at the camp in rowe last summer. it all made so much sense. i biked home and hannah found a ride. we were equally tired and fell asleep early after studying maps and helping her secure a ride for the morning. she was pleased about not having to hitchike another day.

my brother arrived at my door from the bus just minutes after hannah's ride picked her up. an ostensible job-hunting trip to northampton quickly degenerated into socializing with his new bff and my incredible neighbor ani. i spent hours spamming everyone i know about the house show i'm setting up for griffin this week while they drank beer and out-sassed each other. ani fed us delicious pesto from basil she grew in her garden. i was distracted by phone calls with rumors of the iron horse entertainment group potentially interfering with the upcoming valley free radio benefit that we've worked so hard to organize. several additional phone calls clarified that the story was more complicated, but the benefit has, indeed, been cancelled.

after our vfr meeting to discuss all of this tony and i came back to my apartment to meet up with paul who had just woken up from a nap. the second house party of the day, also featuring my lovely roomates, winded down as they got ready for bed and roseredd stopped by to say hello. she gave me, tony, and paul a ride to the basement before she drove home to clean the yankee candles off her skin. the basement was too much fun, well, for me. they sat on the couch in the corner feeling too old. i talked to everyone i could about the show the following night and danced hard in between. we walked home before the music ended and had a little sleepover to avoid any drunk driving to chicopee. i'm not used to waking up with a boy in my bed, but i felt okay about that. paul is spending the day with his friend lee checking out the massage school in easthampton and applying for jobs. ostensibly.

tonight is the show. griffin and her true believers should be on their way down from montreal but i haven't heard from them yet so i'm just waiting in anticipation. waiting to rock...

the edge of honesty

my former, 22-year old self looks over my right shoulder as type this, moralizing, carpel tunnels on fire. how could i truthfully explain to him what i've done? really. honestly. the blood, the guts, the stained sheets. dozens of scandalous tales scribbled in haiku form to melt his naivete and post-adolescent world view. he remains there, on both shoulders, filtering my experiences and emotions into the words you read. did all of these things really happen? the sweat, the late night bike rides, the stories that only one or two people have ever heard. i want to tell you everything, honesty dripping out of my nostrils, oozing out of my lips onto this computer screen. but not tonight. he looks down at me and ties my wrists together with elastic bands and duct tape. "you're never gonna guess what happened last night..." a message in a bottle to be read on a different shore. i have a crush on your words. on your truth.

doing my laundry

i think you're right. the ocean definitely helped me clear my mind. i was pretty quiet that week in maine around my family, but the whole time my mind was racing with the wildest dreams and ideas. i've been trying to actualize all of that since i've been back. finally got around to publishing my interview with erick lyle (soon to be be on towardfreedom.com--who are paying me!), and have just been writing more in general. i've also been playing my guitar everyday, reconstructing those fingertip callouses again, in preparation for the show i'm setting up here for griffin and her true believers next week. that's been nice. biking more too. now i just need to get my shit together with the tours i'm booking for aid & abet. i also need to dance more. and swim. it's all about balance. i think i can do it. all of it.

sesame tofu

during that (first) summer of poverty katie z. came to visit and graciously took me out to lunch. sesame tofu and miso soup at the only pan-asian restaurant in northampton i was familiar with at the time. we used to go there back in the day and ordering my "usual" brought me comfort. going out to lunch was sort of a reintroduction to society after selling books to finance unsuccessful payphone calls to a certain cellphone in manhattan that never picked up. desperate voicemail messages left as nocturnal insects infested the streetlight outside the bus station. my future boss had to leave a message on my roommate's phone informing me that i was hired. things didn't turn around until, during my week of homelessness, i met my new bestfriends on a back porch of a third floor apartment downtown.

today i went out to lunch, alone, at said pan-asian restaurant. for old time's sake i ordered my usual and reflected on these peculiar three years, where i've been how i got here, how i returned over and over again. i used to say, "i'm here...for now." but now, this is where i live. and it's good.

surprise show

i wasn't planning on going to a show in a crowded record store yesterday.

after biking over the connecticut, through hadley (with a pit stop at a certain air-conditioned natural foods chain), and into amherst on the bike trail i found myself walking around the center of town. that's when i came across the flyer for a show at mystery train records. " tuesday july 15," it read. "6 pm sharp!" it was just after 6...perfect. bands were still setting up when i arrived to familiar faces and the buzz of a pre-sunset, midweek summer rock show. predictably it didn't start until after 6:30, but still giving me time to catch fat worm of error's set before i had to meet thais down the street.

the last time i saw fat worm was when they opened for deerhoof at pearl street a couple years ago. they played much quieter this time which worked well given the setting. i enjoyed their experimental performance even if it was visually obstructed by the towering thurston moore who intermitently flipped through the surrounding records while bopping his head to the music. we returned to the show later but it was a little too hot and stuffy to stick around so we walked past emily dickinson's house and back.

i got back on my bike well after the sun went down and fearlessly plowed through route 9 toward northampton. reasonably well-lit by all of its gas stations and strip malls, the road only fucked with me once as i skidded through a small patch of soft dirt on one darkened strip. i returned home sweaty and exhausted with no desire to socialize or dance. but i felt good.

superheroes against the elements

the hazy sun was setting as i sat on my back porch in my underwear, eating mac & cheese. it was then that i noticed the plot of land--adjacent to the dumpster below--that would make the perfect guerilla garden. come plant seeds with me. we'll feed the whole town and the absentee landlord will never notice.

the map on my wall takes on a whole new meaning upon discovering that i can reach any point on its surface with my bike. the town boundaries, even the mighty river and mountain ranges don't look so scary anymore. but then i wake up in a cold sweat to the sound of cars driving through the rainy street. and i'm freaked out. the summer's first bike ride in the rain, or do i wait for the fucking bus?

i face my fear, dry pair of pants tucked in my bag next to cd's and the newest issue of doris. i arrive at the radio station 10 minutes late, but am welcomed by my own voice on the speakers reading an essay embracing failure in a society obsessed with success. and overcoming fear.

come ride with me in the rain.

triumphant

it's hard to wrap my mind around the synchronicity of the past 12 hours. as i biked to work underneath angry summer clouds yesterday afternoon i had pretty much give up any hope of finding a late night ride to brattleboro for the end of the show. at that point it seemed implausible. but by 7:00, after a few phone calls to/from my newest friend i still hadn't met, i had a ride! it was actually going to happen! we closed up quick and early and i raced home after locking up the cafe, my mischief brew t-shirt drenched in sweat as i walked in the door. lisette came over with cassie to hang out and get to know each other a bit before we hit the interstate. diane entertained us and concocted some fuel for our trip north. after parting ways with cassie we hit the road with nonstop conversation about our mutual friend in boston over her perfect mix cd featuring every song i had listened to earlier in the day.

we pulled into brattleboro and i didn't have to climb through jen's window, as her second wind kicked in just before midnight. we successfully bumped into each other amidst legions of crusty traveler kids spilled out onto eliot street. the bar downstairs boomed, "it's gettin' hot in here so take off all yo' clothes..." little did the booty dancers, emerging for the night from woodwork, vermont, know that it was much hotter in the upstairs tinderbox and people actually were taking off all their clothes!

after the second to last band finished their set, i set out to search for erik petersen. mischief brew was scheduled to play next but he was nowhere to be found. i brought him a copy of the zine, big hands issue 5 1/2--"the chumbawamba issue" as a present. but the zine still remains in my bag.

jen and i returned from our pitstop at the weathervane and guy from brooklyn was getting ready to play announcing, "i'm not erik petersen but i'm gonna do the same thing he would've done...rock out!" or something. the point being, erik wasn't playing. halfway through the replacement headliner's set i confided to jen that, in fact, it was my fault and i would explain it after the show.

there's an punk rock legend that it is bad luck to listen to the band you're going to see the day of the show. i recklessly disregarded this legend and played erik's split with robert blake as i was sweeping the floors and washing dishes earlier in the evening. i even mentioned the risky significance of this act to my coworker. i fucked it all up. my apologies to the disaffected, dog-owning youth of brattleboro and their train-hopping friends from across the states who walked to the squat three doors down disappointed. it was all my fault.

somehow this almost made the experience even better, more romantic. of course, it would've been great to see erik and to sing along with his impassioned anthems with dozens of others who love his music as much as i do. but this was a blemished fairy tale, not a sterile disney-fied one. as we sat on the sidewalk at 2 am, i felt happy to be alive and endlessly entertained by the mingling of crusties from the show and sketchballs from the bar all sneering at the local cops doing laps around the block just waiting for something to happen, anything.

as i bought my bus ticket home, i thought about that bus that i couldn't afford 3 years ago. i thought about the empty feeling i had sitting in forbes library reading about the fest online, bittersweet knowledge of an experience so close by, but so far out of reach. i felt catalyzed, and excited about the fun, new people in my life and the growing potential of adventure summer 2008.

three years later: triumph or tragedy?

three years ago, i moved to northampton from madison. the first month i lived here i wrote a song. the last song, incidentally, i've written:

i woke up today. not knowing where i would be tonight. but i knew where i wanted to be. it was just a question of whether or not i'd get there. so i got out of bed. and grabbed three hardcover books. to sell to a used bookstore. because i'm fucking broke. but ten dollars won't get me across the state line today. now it's 1:24 in the afternoon. and the bus is about to leave without me. i'm stuck in this town. and i won't be rocking out tonight. but i'll do what i can with these precious hours that have been given to me. even if i can't afford the busfare.

it's ridiculous how history repeats itself in such obscure ways sometimes. three years later, i am no longer the new kid in town and have a supportive community of friends. this enables me to be less dependent on bus schedules and even the almighty dollar itself. but bratt fest has returned and, three years later, i am once again stuck in this town singing my favorite bands' songs in my head instead of in front of them at the tinderbox in brattleboro, vt...or maybe not?

my friend erik's mischief brew will be "headlining" friday night and although i am working that night at the cafe he isn't scheduled to play until 1:00 am! maybe i can finally make up for the tragedy of 2005...anyone up for an adventure?

i knew angels who've been dancing with some devils

this summer we will perfect the art of sharing smiles with strangers but not saying hello. that universal gesture which transends language and national boundaries. we'll discover secret swimming spots only reachable by bicycle. adapt our bodies to thriving on 5 or less hours of sleep each night in top-floor apartments on fire. we'll proudly spit on air conditioners that spit on our heads as we walk down the street. our phones will be converted into electronic pipebombs so that when the phone company calls about delinquent payments it will make national headlines. boom.

new people and poverty

this seems like one of those weeks where everyone i know has a different theme. one or more forces shaping their lives in most interesting and sometimes frustrating ways. my themes this week are: meeting new people and dealing with the reality of poverty. there's a couchsurfer from norway waiting for me at the bus station as i write this. travelling in the states this summer she sent me an urgent message last night about escaping new york city, in search for a place to crash in northampton. and then there's joan's friend from boston, who is teaching art in northampton for the summer, is going out tonight dancing.

and i did that terrifying math equation where the totals of checks i wrote didn't quite match up with the balance in my checking account. sigh...i'm just glad that things seem to always work out, especially in the summer.

silverware and the arc of history

"my father worked in this building 80 years ago." my eyes widened, jolted out of the drudgery of a monday afternoon lunch rush. "i was passing through so i figured i would eat where he used to work." the building where i currently work. back in the day the whole building was a silverware factory and the space where the cafe is now was where joe's dad worked. as i made his tofurky sandwich i thought about how history connects people and places, the stories that are buried underneath the floors we walk on everyday. we continue this trajectory as we walk.

"ha! we could use some silverware up in here!" del joked. i thought about what it must have been like to work in the same space 80 years ago.

my boss stopped by to take the money from the cash register and i noticed the temperature in the cafe rising immediately after he fled. sure enough, the bastard turned the air conditioning off again to try to save a few bucks as we sweat balls. with an hour of steamy dishwashing ahead of me i turned it right back on. i thought about joe's father and imagined what his boss was like and the working conditions of a factory in mid-summer before air conditioning. some things never change.

off the radar summer

there's something romantic about being somewhere where nobody else wants to be; places off the radar in any given season. a small alaskan port in the dead of winter, only a bar and gas station open to the fittest survivors. returning to northampton from a week in "vacationland" i realized that this is, in some ways, the summer equivalent: a place that people leave this time of year. this off-season in the pioneer valley began yesterday.

less than an hour out of the car with my grandmother i found myself back at the cafe disoriented, ocean air and sunblock still fresh on my skin. tables full of ugly families adorned the other side of the counter and my fantasy of a quiet, short night seemed threatened. but things began to look up and by 7:30 it was totally dead and we just started closing up. i was home in record time and got to decompress a bit before biking back to florence for a very fun house party where new people came out of the woodwork to properly celebrate.

perhaps summer arrived here at some point while i was away, as thunderstorm after thunderstorm bombed this valley and the population completed its annual evacuation. after no-holds-barred adventure in montreal followed by a week on the beaches of maine with the fam i am back, ready to dig into projects i have been neglecting for months. there's so much potential in this land devoid of tourism. i'm inspired to push myself this summer: long bike rides across state lines, playful danger, spicy food, explosive ideas, soundtracks to indelible moments. all nourished by my sweaty, cramped fourth-floor apartment. the masses have fled but the summer is here. i can taste it.

dispatches from the reunion (part 1)

after 5 years, i've been told, one can no longer defer student loan payments. over $20,ooo dollars in debt now, i am still seeking deferment based on "economic hardship"--5 years after receiving my degree from bard college. it was this day in 2003 that i graduated, which brings me back to annandale-on-hudson ("back to my old school" as fellow bard alumni steely dan once sung), for my first reunion.

reuniting based on shared educational experience can be a pretty strange phenomenon. my friend jared used to fantasize about returning for our high school reunion in a limosine and performing an identity completely at odds with his actual life. reunions are often social magnifine glasses which reduce us to empty soundbytes: "what have you been up to these past 5 years?"
we are restricted in this environment from honestly expressing ourselves.

of course, this is all just heresay as i just arrived on campus and have yet to squirm through any disingenuous intereactions. but i'm prepared.

i'm really glad to be here actually. this is evidenced by the amount of energy and money i spent today getting here. after a couple of potential rides from fellow alumni/ae fell through, i entered the abyss of online transportation options for non-car owners. i replied to craigslist ads for rides to not-so-nearby new york city, calculated unimaginable bus routes between the pioneer valley and this mid-hudson valley, and navigated the foreign terrain of the auto rental economy.

sitting at my desk, unpacked and flustered i was about to jump in the shower and run down to the northampton bus station to catch the 11:25 bus to kingston, ny--via albany (2.5 hour wait) and springfield, ma--when tony called. he offered me a ride to the closest car rental place that offered one way rentals. this gave me a couple more hours to get ready and retrieve my pay check, which i will obviously need this weekend. so now i have this sweet ride until 1:00 pm tomorrow. the only question marks that remain are: where will i sleep tonight (and tomorrow night) and how the hell am i getting home? i'm just glad i made it.

i drove around the campus when i got here. passing the office of financial aid i thought about the pile of overdue notices in my bedroom from sallie mae. i think my experience here was worth it, but now i find myslef at this crossroads and i'm not sure what to do. despite all this, i'm going to have a good time this weekend and party like it's 1999--the year i first arrived here.